Son won't help me post surgery

Negotiate it in the form of retaking the year at the cost of another £9500 of fees and another year of living expenses. Cheaper for OP to employ a private nurse for 2 weeks or a live in nanny!

I think it's sad that your son isn't willing to do more. I've only read a few posts other than the ones from OP, but I'm amazed how many people think it is wrong to ask for help from a grown up child!

@Silentlysinging I don't know if it's already been mentioned as thread is too long to read the whole thing but have you considered contacting nanny agencies for some short term help with your daughter?

Well if he falls off a cliff he can negotiate that too with the university.

If OP fell off a cliff he’d have to negotiate that too,

If Op mainly wants help getting her daughter to school for possibly a couple of weeks I would have thought that that isn't really doable for her son.

So if he can only help with that on the day of the OP then surely it's best that Op knows this & can look into other options?

Because he might have a better idea of what the operation involved and more compassion for his mum if he were? And he wouldn’t be naive enough to vaguely think that the hospital will “send help”.

Sorry, but he sounds like real selfish little pratt and couldn't give a shit about you.

Maybe Social Social Services or your daughters school can help you out.
Or a neighbourhoid grouo.

l had a full hystrectomy years ago and really found out who my realn friends were when l needed help
.
Hope you get support.

X

And I disagree with you. You help family when they need it, if you can. Not at all costs. Not if it has negative implications for something important. Do I think op’s DS should refuse to help out at all? No. But 2 weeks- perhaps longer if all does not go to plan- and being the sole source of any help needed? No, he should not be missing university for that length of time.

we all have some degree of obligation to family- assuming we have a good relationship. But that doesn’t mean we do anything and everything asked of us. I also think that OP’s DS also has an obligation to his studies, to himself and his future, and missing prolonged periods of time from university could potentially jeopardise that. He may well have compulsory classes and minimum attendance to think about- even if missing 2 weeks to care for op does not take him to that threshold, if he is unwell himself later in the year, it could cause issues. It’s perhaps not the most likely scenario, but it is a consideration.

I’d also say his mother has obligations too- she cannot help needing surgery, or that her ex-husband and father of her children is not available to provide support, but she has known she needs surgery and failed to organise any care for herself despite knowing it was needed. And is refusing to ask anyone else to help too. In his position, I would also be annoyed that she was trying to place responsibility for her care, and for that of my 10 year old sister, onto me without consideration of my circumstances. In his position- you only get one shot at university and he may have plans that require certain grades etc- I’d be reluctant to do anything that could impact negatively on that. Also, if there is no back up plan in place, I’d be even more reluctant to agree- once there helping out it would be hard to leave than if you just were never part of the plan.

It's not so much the lectures but the hours of independent study in labs and libraries that go alongside it. In their final year. St a point when first semester modules are coming to an end. There is no way I would f#£k up my son's final year when I could use cabs, childminders and order food in.

Op I think I would just ask him and be really clear about what the expectations are from him. I'd also think about whether you could hire in a cleaner for a few hours during the week and get shopping delivered etc so you're reducing the overall amount he needs to do and so you can be really clear on what his tasks will be relating to your dd. At 21 he's old enough to understand this is a massive operation and while he may not be emotionally equipped to deal with it all, he is more than capable of stepping up for a few key tasks. I'd also be supporting your dd to learn how to do a few things for herself now so that when the time comes she can help out as well. You are the parent but your son is an adult and there's no harm in expecting an adult child to support you in a particular situation. You will also need to have plans in place for dd incase you need to stay in hospital longer than you're foreseeing though hopefully that won't be needed. If he's only in uni two days a week then he should be able to spend the first 5 days post op at home.

I would also speak to the hospital to see what support packages you can avail of from community nursing perhaps.

If this is NHS surgery there is a good chance it will be cancelled on the day and rescheduled, so this needs to be factored in for both OP and her DS.

Why? student nurses would be dealt with severely for missing 2 weeks of uni?

I think it's worth adding as well from son's perspective that he will get basically zero grace if he does take time out to care for his mum. Is OP planning on funding an extra year at uni if he flunks this year because he's spent it being her nurse? I understand that she's in a difficult position but the last person I'd be asking to help is my young adult child tbh.

It's also costing him £9500 a year to attend uni (and that's just tuition fees). Based on a 38 week year, that is £250 a week, is OP going to reimburse him £500.

Surely a 10 year old missing 2 weeks of school is less significant than a 21yo missing 2 weeks of university. I'm not surprised he has said he will only help out on operation day.

This is a very sensible post !
There is the saying “Your failure to plan does not constitute my crisis.” This is a planned operation. There are many people and institutions OP can and should call on. Yes the DS should do a bit, but perhaps his reluctance to step up is because he knows he will be expected to do everything when lots of other options exist.

I haven’t said she can make him. Clearly she can’t. Clearly he will do what he likes. I’m simply saying he should. I suggested she organise carers or a part time nanny to cover her.

I think we can safely say he’s not training to be a nurse. 😌

I’m very supportive of high achievement, I got a double first, but I didn’t go to every single lecture. Either way as has been said, DS could contact the uni for workarounds to minimise disruption.

He is an adult. whether you think he morally should help her isn't going to change anything. What exactly do you think OP can do to make him help? Ground him? Take away his x-box?

Ok- but what if later in the year he is actually ill, or is involved in an accident or something, and that means his attendance dips below he 75% minimum required attendance (or whatever the level is)? Consequences will be his, not OP’s, and I don’t think that is a fair ask. A few days- ok, but 2 weeks (or more if all not going to plan)- no, I don’t think it is.

i don’t think OP should put off the surgery, which it sounds like she very much needs, but she has had time to put plans in place and hasn’t done so, which I think is a mistake. She has known that she needs this surgery, that she would need to organise support, as a parent with limited support she did need to think more ahead, I think, and the fact she didn’t is causing her more stress, unfortunately.

I do realise that OP has not been feeling well and that some of that is outwith her control (ex-husband working abroad, no contact with parents). And, I can see that she is in a difficult position as I would not be overly keen to lean very heavily on friends- but she could have asked them to help a little bit. I would do what I could for a good friend, I imagine most others would too. It might not be everything they need, or every day needed, but I would do what I could.

I do think she will need to have some form of back up plan in the event that her recovery is not as smooth as we would all hope and she needs help for a bit longer. I’m not trying to be cruel to the op, what is done is done- but she now needs to have a plan for the unexpected too.

He doesn't want to go home for more than the day of the op. Doesn’t matter what a uni teacher on here thinks he could do.

Vocational degrees like nursing and allied health professions expect close to 100% attendance.
Some students want to attain a firsts. Some NEED to attain a 2:1 to continue in their desired path. Maybe he doesn't want to f*ck up his one opportunity that he will be paying for for the rest of his life.

I certainly don’t. I simply think, that as she has been putting it off for six years, she’s had time to think in detail about what help she’ll need, whether that’s paid help, support from her daughter’s school, or asking individual friends and family members to contribute a specific thing, and to put it in place. That’s a far more sensible approach than worrying herself sick, hinting to her son, then asking him at the last minute and being disappointed he’s not volunteering more. The only behaviour the OP can control here is her own, and it makes sense to put her effort into organising her own care.

‘Elective surgery’ doesn’t mean what you think it means. The NHS don’t spend thousands of pounds removing organs for a laugh.'

I don't think the nhs does anything for a laugh. The point is that elective surgery is done with a stable patient versus emergency surgery carried out whilst the patient is compromised and already very ill. Recovery of elective v emergency is usually smooth and rapid.

Indeed, UCL for example is 75%. As long as he attends the rest he’s fine. Either way a university lecturer has outlined workaround steps for DS to discuss with uni upthread.

Sometimes facts help. Many of us will have had planned major surgery and managed fine without unwilling 21yr olds having to come home to help.

The op will be anxious, totally understandable but she will manage fine. Make sure stocked up or do online orders. Get school informed so they are aware the 10yr old will be walking alone then going forward try and work on some kind of back up should she ever need it in future. It is obviously very disappointing the ds is so feckless but no point dwelling on it really last thing the op needs is to be full of bitterness and resentment

@Silentlysinging 6
I can see you are in a tight spot, but I do think YABU.

i don’t think it is reasonable to expect him to miss university for 2 whole weeks- he does need to be in classes and it’s not a day you are asking him to miss, it’s an extended period of time. He might only have lectures/tutorials etc 2 days per week but I suspect he will need to be doing some work outside of that if he is intending to pass his course, i’d have thought. Additionally, at this time of year he could be coming up for end of term exams (depending on course and individual university) and if so, it is not reasonable to expect him to miss lectures/tutorials or other classes (again, depends on course). Or to be trying to juggle looking after you, your DD and doing revision.

When I was at university (admittedly some time ago) missing 2 weeks would have been hard work to catch up and would have left me at a disadvantage. Additionally, there were also compulsory things that if not attended required an explanation- I don’t think they would necessarily have granted permission to miss compulsory classes to care for a sibling. Or rather, they would have said- you can miss the class without sanction, but you need to attend to pass this semester as it is compulsory to doing so. I would guess that is unlikely on a course where he is in 2 days per week, but something to be considered.

And what if there are complications meaning you take longer to recover than anticipated, so you. need help for more than 2 weeks? Are you going to expect him to be absent from university for however long you need? I think you are going to have to have a back up plan, at the very least.

Could you look at getting a childminder to do pick up/drop off, for instance. Is your dd able to walk to or from school, or to a nearby friend’s house and taken from there? A friend or parents of your DD’s school friend may not have time to divert to collect/drop off DD but might be happy to take her from their house if you were able to get her there. I know your dd walking may not be an option, depending on where you live (e.g. If you live rurally or on a busy route, or nowhere near your friends/your child’s school friends). Other options are a taxi to and from school if none of your friends could help out even occasionally? I know it’s not cheap, but you do need to look at options. I’d either batch cook or buy in meals to make life easier during recovery. As an aside, have you actually asked your friends if they could help, or just assumed they can’t? If I had a friend in your position, I would help where I could even thought that might not be every day or with everything they needed help with.

You could ask your son to come home on days where he does not have classes- but you do need to take into account if he is travelling/looking after you and DD, he will also need time to do any course work or revision etc he needs to do. And he might need financial assistance to help with cost of travel, as that is not cheap- especially if he has having to go back and forth throughout the week. You would also have to be understanding if he is unable to help out for the whole 2 weeks due to university commitments.