That these phone rules are reasonable for my DD?

Do you follow all of those rules? Particularly the putting the phone down etc?

We have pretty similar rules and I don't think they are too harsh at all.

Especially the whatsapp rule. We have stuck to our guns and I'm glad we did. Whatsapp is from 13 anyway so she isn't allowed it. Why isn't this obvious to everyone? She is quite clearly showing she wouldn't be able to manage it anyway. Fingers crossed the age is changed to 16 soon

Put phone down completely when someone is talking to you

So, she's in the middle of quietly scrolling something she's interested in or typing out a message to a friend, and you say, 'DD, remind me if you've got PE tomorrow. Do you need your kit?' and you expect her to stop and place her phone down just to say 'Yes, I've got PE after lunch but my stuff's already in my locker'?

Why? Why can't she just answer you while she's holding her phone? How would you like it if, every time you were concentrating on something, you had to put it down and stop completely when someone interrupted you?

Would you expect her to do the same with a book? Or if she was in the middle of drawing something? Or writing something with a pen? Or anything else she's quietly occupying her time with? If not, why does she have to do it with her phone?

No phones during dinner, even if we're not eating together

So if she's eating alone, she just has to sit there staring at the wall silently? Again, would you let her read a book while she was eating? Or listen to something? Or any other thing to make a solo meal less boring? Why is it a problem when it's a phone?

I don't really understand why she can't use Duolingo or message her mates or listen to music in the privacy of her own room, either. She's 12, not 5. She needs to be able to chill in privacy sometimes.

Fine to have some rules, but most of yours are arbitrary and draconian and I'm not surprised she's questioning them. A lot of them are illogical and pointless and overly regimented.

What is wrong with WhatsApp ? My kids are adult now but I’d have thought that is how they communicate. I think the rules are a bit stringent and agree with a pp that the messaging in the morning is normal and should be fine , she just needs to speed it up a bit or get up a bit earlier .

I think no phone when she's eating alone is a bit pointless.
You could use the phone time in the morning to get her ready earlier - if she's ready by 'x' time she can use her phone but I would also get her to put an alarm on the phone to tell her when it's time to leave.
I think the courtesy around the phone needs to go slightly both ways - if she's genuinely in the middle of something, you ask her to speak with you when she's finished.
As always reiterate that responsible and respectful phone use will earn more freedom in the future

It does all sound a bit stringent .. I agree with rules and boundaries re phone use but why can’t she look at her phone if she’s eating dinner alone? Your choice of course but that’s one I don’t understand. Also in the morning - DS (15) is often messaging about ‘have you done X homework’ / ‘oh god we’ve got Mr X / a fire drill/ PE this morning’ or talking about meeting up a bit early before school or after school’ etc. all stuff that is normal / important to them. Of course if it consistently makes them late then Introduce that rule but I think it’s healthy to let them see how they get on and start to learn to manage it themselves - and intervene more with some more stringent ones if things start to go pear shaped in any given area. As others have said - some of yours make sense to me (Ie no phones after X pm) but some of them seem a bit overbearing (DS 15, DD 18)

I think you have to give and take at least a bit. It sounds like it's all "No No No".

I would reconsider the dinner one when she's alone - there's no need for it then.

Especially if you don't follow that yourself.

They are all fine imo.

The only thing I would say with this one Put phone down completely when someone is talking to you is just be careful you're not accidentally being rude yourself.

One of my DDs, politely, pointed out many years ago that DH and I would never expect our child's attention instantly if they were reading a book, watching tv or in the middle of something else yet we did instantly expect them to put their phone down. Dd spoke up after she was in the middle of replying to an upset friend and feeling, rightly, that she should be allowed to finish typing her message before giving us her full attention.

If dd is ready 15 mins before time to leave she can have her phone those last 15 mins..
Carrots work well in3 teenagers ime.
*currently onto teen number 10...

Imo they are harsh rules, why can't she have WhatsApp? How does she contact friends? Do you not trust her at all?

I think these are all bonkers rules for a near-teenager. Poor girl.

The only one that would make sense would be the no phone at breakfast if she's running late. The rest are just mean.

None of the rules are unreasonable but I would say to pick your battles -does it really matter if she is looking at her phone if she is eating dinner on her own, for example?

Also think about the reason for a "rule". What is the reason there are no phones allowed before breakfast - surely the point is that she is ready in time for school? And if she is, does it matter if she has a quick catch up with messages from her friends? If she understands the "point" of a rule, can she come up with her own sensible alternative.

I'd also ask if the adults in the family also follow these rules. If you are not modelling desired behaviour, it's harder to enforce.

I would also remember that she may be using her phone for school linked activities. All screen time is not equal.

As an adult, I can use my phone whenever I like.

Why can't your daughter? "because she's a child / because I say so" won't cut it with an autistic child (just as it wouldn't with any adult).

I'm asking because there are obviously reasons, but you only explained your reasoning for the "no phones at breakfast". (would she be allowed to use the phone if she got up earlier? If not, then the reason you gave isn't valid - does she sense the reasons you give are fabrications/don't make sense? ).

I'm autistic. If you give me rules that don't make sense to me, I won't respect them. I'll do them, as that's how I was raised and I have very little fight in me by nature, but I'll think you're an idiot. Your daughter has fight in her - make the rules make sense to her. Ask her to explain why she disagrees and listen... If she argues that white is black, explain to her how white is not black. Don't just say "it isn't" or "because I say so".

And if she's actually right? Admit it.

For the record "screen time is bad" is unlikely to be taken as a good reason. It doesn't make sense on its own. You'll need to go into detail why it's bad (and then possibly have to explain why adults have lots of screen time, if it's apparently so bad).

I think all of those sound absolutely fair especially the breakfast one, as I know how much screens can delay mornings!