AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

I’d have stopped hosting these CF’ers after the second year.

£25 contribution per person and I’d be giving people clearing up/ washing up jobs after everyone has eaten. Or ofc they can sort themselves out in their own homes.

Was thinking of looking this one up. I hope she’s taking her daughter away again this year and has started focusing her generosity on herself a bit more this year.

What a bunch of sponging cheeky fuckers. Definitely do not host again!

I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead.

I wouldn't suggest this as they sound like the sort of piss takers who would expect you to pay (and then have everyone back to yours for dessert, tea and drinks for the rest of the day anyway).

Stop this charade now.

'I've been thinking over the weekend, it's not even the money, it's me being the one doing all the work by hosting every single Christmas. I'm not doing it going forward and we are making our own plans as a 4 (or however many you are). Let's catch up in the new year somewhere'.

And let them get on with it.

I would go out though as you risk them just turning up at yours.

Book a holiday, hotel or meal somewhere just for you.

This is literally my in laws. We are also the ones with the most money and the only house big enough to host (except MIL could host, but her awful partner won’t let her - he’s never invited to our house, so everyone comes to ours to avoid him).

Except we get them not just for Christmas Day. They come for a whole f-ing week! It costs truly a small fortune. Easily £500 just in food. One year it was £800!

They bring nothing. Sometimes a case of beer (I don’t drink). One year I got a sharing bag of crisps to split amongst 8 people and they bought one round of drinks at the pub (while we paid for 7 days of all food and drinks). Even my attempts to order takeaway and send them off to get it with Dh have failed and he just ends up paying.

Then last year I got cancer and I said, fuck this shit and refused to host. I’m not hosting this year either. The dc said they much prefer it when it’s just us! So I’m not doing it again. Not like that. I don’t mind people coming for Christmas lunch itself. I hate them being there the night before getting drunk and staying up late. I hate them taking over the present opening (SIL’s whole family sent all her presents to us to put under the tree, they all had weeks worth of Amazon parcels arriving and then had to take over the kitchen table on Christmas Eve to do all their bloody wrapping 🙄).

No more, they are welcome to come for a meal. But they’re gonna have to not drink and take themselves home after. The AI resort is closed. I’m not spending the next week cooking and cleaning for them.

If you still want to see them, yes, insist they bring something. Who is such a tight arse that they can’t manage some roast potatoes? Costs like £4. Plus a bottle of wine. Or charge them! When Dh’s aunt and uncle still hosted, it was £20 per adult plus bring what you want to drink. That £20 covered decorating and heating an attached barn with tables and chairs to sit all 40 of us, plus plate/cutlery/glass hire. We got canapés with drinks to start, then a full Christmas meal with all the trimmings, plus Christmas pudding and a selection of pies/cakes, chocolates and coffee/tea. Very happy to pay £40 as a family for all of that, plus we pitched in with peeling potatoes and parsnips, etc.

Or tell them to stuff it. 😂

Yanbu AT ALL! Don’t host it, let them sort themselves out. They will realise when they don’t have it/try to do it themselves, just how much effort and expense you went to.

I’m in a similar position with my family being the only one with a big house and I do wish we could go somewhere else sometimes for family meals/Christmas but the difference is they help with bringing proper sides/desserts/drinks/nibbles etc and fully support with cooking and clearing up etc. Fortunately my in-laws have bigger houses than us so we take it in turns with them.

It might be too late for this year, but next Christmas please book a holiday, and leave your awful relatives behind!

I think you’d be working flat out…

YANBU. My DB hosts because he has the biggest house, but we all chip in somehow. My mum contributes financially and we both prep the veg on Christmas morning and mum cooks it. I used to contribute the Christmas pudding and another dessert, but things changed slightly a few years ago, so now I spend extra on DB and SIL Christmas presents, and take 3-4 bottles of Prosecco, and a large bag filled with snacks and sweets for their family.

DD and I carry plates in and out, and do anything we are asked to do to help.

It is hugely appreciated that they host and they we can all have Christmas together.

The least your family could do if they all want to be together, is to contribute financially and help out on the day

For pity's sake. Your family sound ridiculous. My sister and BIL earn about 4 x what me and DH earn. They can afford to throw the most lavish christmas ever.....

... and yet, as a family, we'd never dream of doing that. we share the burden financially, and more importantly, in terms of effort. We do it at her house becuase yes, she cna fit everyone in. But I do all the sides every year. And starters and desserts are allocated depending on who attends (it's not just family.- and overall size of celebration can vary from 8 people to 24!).

I would book myself a lovely week in the sun, make sure no one has the key of my home and left them to sulk 😂

I want to start offering a service where I ring people up and tell them they're cheeky fkers.

No means no! Grins. Well done OP for having had enough. If they can't take turns then never do it again. You've been taken advantage of, and some.
Why didn't they just suggest that they each bring a dish? Then be a real nice family affair. Lazy buggers, the lot of them.

Wow, how utterly brazen of them. I tend to host and my family bring token bits, but if I asked for fair contribution they would absolutely pay their share/bring more etc. Your family have straight up said to your face that they expect you to pay for their free Christmas every year and that is an acceptable 'tradition'? No way in hell!

I'd tell them to bugger off and I would be very tempted to actually spend the same amount but on having an even better Christmas with just my husband and kids, and then post loads of pictures on the family group chat. 🤣

Quite right.

Even if it’s not practical to bring dishes of food, or the host says not to bother, it’s still possible to brings lots of treats for the host (flowers/bulbs, biscuits, chocolate, cheese, nice tea/coffee, drinks etc etc) and to help out throughout the day (offer to get drinks, help in the kitchen, clear up afterwards etc).

And certainly give a toast to the host before and after the meal and send a ‘thank you’ note afterwards. It’s so important to be appreciative of all the host’s hard work in planning, shopping and cooking.

I’m shocked OP’s family sit there and expect to be waited on.

OP how would you like your Christmas to be? Your family don’t sound appreciative at all and just seem to be using you rather than making a loving fun Christmas together. I do think you need to stand back and reflect what is meaningful for you and how to achieve it. Maybe go away this year to break the cycle and then maybe someone else will host next year.

We have hosted for decades and always prep veg together with Christmas music and wine it’s all part of the family gathering but it’s me who has expected this. Also people bring a dish, champagne, game etc. I think you have sleep-walked into this situation and need to be very clear and assertive in how it’s going to be this year. They can’t make you do anything. You need to be calm strong and stubborn and just choose what you’d like this time.

For the very first time in years we are going to a family member this year and we are taking lots of contributions and will be rolling our sleeves up to help make Christmas lovely for the hosts too.

Good luck.

I think it's this one:

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5227116-to-cancel-christmas-unless-im-given-a-present

I’ve hosted for the last 25 years, at our expense save for the odd pudding and bottle of wine (I would never have dreamt of asking for a financial contribution and refused any offers). Usually had 20 round the table, plus a full house of staying guests, although everyone pitched in and helped. Between various bereavements and change of circumstances there will only be 7 of us for Xmas this year. Given the change of circumstances I am so glad that we had those years of big Christmasses, and wouldn’t change it at all.

Even with that, OP, I think that your family have taken you for granted and you are well within your rights to stop hosting. They should have been helping out when you asked for it and offering to bring some dishes. Good luck finding somewhere to book. One of my siblings goes to a restaurant now and they love it.

More CFs!

I’d make it into a Xmas game. Whichever two get the sixpences in the pudding (or a certain colour hat in their cracker or draw the short straws) does the washing up and brings you a cup of tea while you put your feet up while waiting for them!

It is absolutely not too late to put her foot down for this year. These cheeky fuckers can cook what amounts to a slightly more elevated Sunday roast in their own homes with days, much less weeks notice. It's not as if people are having to kill and pluck their own turkeys or make their own puddings or grow their own spuds. One decent supermarket run a few days before and there you go, sorted.

Send out an email saying you are happy to host but the costs and the work need to divided up. Then ask them for suggestions as to how they see this working?

Other thing to consider is do you want them actually cooking in your kitchen and using your cookware? - if not, then say you are happy to host but costs need to divided and paid for in advance of you purchasing everything.

If no one can agree then best to let everyone do their own thing

Hard no. Don’t compromise and have them bring dishes or you will have to organise it all, probably still supply the most and still have all the work getting the house ready and clearing up afterwards. And they will let you go on hosting and gradually will go back to expecting you to bear the full load.
A clear communication today saying that you have decided that you are not able to go on hosting so starting with this year you will be doing your own thing.
You don’t have to go out if that isn’t your thing. You can chat to your partner and children and decide what you would all enjoy. Brunch, a long walk to be out of the house at the time they would arrive then whatever food you all fancy. Or pick a pile of films, turn off phones and slob on the couch together.
Have some phrases to use on repeat, ‘we are looking forward to doing something different! ‘I’m sorry you are unhappy but we are just doing us!’ Or something shorter ending in off.

Book a holiday and leave the country

YANBU. Your family is totally unreasonable, CFs.

I’ve hosted family Christmases in a one-bedroom flat. It’s not that difficult with a bit of planning (fold up table, borrowed garden chairs, precooking as much as possible etc).

But it sounds like you don’t mind hosting, given you have more space. What you mind is paying for all the food and drink, cooking it all and then clearing up afterwards.

It’s a little late to be putting your foot down this year. But if they’ve made it clear they won’t bring a few dishes each and their share of drinks, and if they haven’t assured you that this year they’ll help you cook and clear up, I think you have to say you’ll be having Christmas dinner with just those you live with this year.

As a compromise, you could invite the family over to yours in the evening if they bring at least two dishes each for a casual buffet and drinks. If they don’t bring drinks, offer them coffee, tea or water.

More fool you for doing it for 7 years. Who are these free loaders who don't bring a load of booze and puddings?