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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to refuse to host Christmas again after what my family said?

392 replies

WillieFIrwin · 01/12/2025 03:54

I’m 43, I’ve hosted Christmas for the last 7 years because I’m the only one with a dining room big enough for everyone. Every year it costs me a fortune, I do all the cooking, buy all the extra food, stock the house with drinks, and everyone else turns up empty handed. My sister usually arrives with just a packet of bread rolls. My brother brings nothing at all.
Last year I suggested we rotate hosting, or at least that everyone chips in for food. The reaction was unbelievable. I was told that because I “earn the most” and have “the nice house”, it’s my job to host, and that “tradition is tradition”. My mum even said it would be “selfish” to break the family routine.
This week we were discussing plans, and when I brought up the cost again, my sister said, “Well if it’s too much for you, maybe don’t make such a big deal of it.” For context, she never helps in the kitchen and sits on her phone all day.
I’ve decided I don’t want to host this year, and suggested we book a pub Christmas lunch instead. They refused and said Christmas at the pub “isn’t the same”, and apparently I’m “ruining it for the kids” by not wanting to host.
AIBU to finally put my foot down and say if no one else wants to host, then they’re welcome to do their own thing? I’m confused about why this is suddenly my moral responsibility every year when I didn’t even volunteer in the first place. Am I missing something here or is this totally unreasonable on their part?

OP posts:
Hankunamatata · 01/12/2025 16:11

Why cant everyone bring a dish. Someone does turkey, someone does ham, someone does veg and someone does desserts. Everyone brings dink and nibbles

CraftyGin · 01/12/2025 16:06

Christmas lunch doesn't have to cost a fortune. OK, you might pay a bit for turkey (although can get very good frozen ones). Everything else is fairly cheap.

Don't go overboard with extras, and don't buy any booze. You'd have to tell them, of course, but they will soon get the message.

gamerchick · 01/12/2025 16:03

Sure I've just seen the opposite of this thread a little while ago.

Brefugee · 01/12/2025 15:59

My parents ended up as the default hosts for Christmas for about 5 years (we were in a different country and never made it) in a row and when my dad suggested that someone else might take a turn it fell on deaf ears.

So they started booking holidays in lovely exotic places, and... the wider family grumbled. My parents just ignored the complaints and had a whale of a time.

Pistachiocake · 01/12/2025 15:58

That's awful. Maybe you have the biggest house, but I've been at Christmas meals in tiny houses and flats-this isn't an excuse for them doing nothing. Even if it makes most sense for everyone to come to yours, they should all contribute. It doesn't have to be expensive, or complicated.
If they respect you, they should help with things; they don't need to be rich to help with jobs.
If the CFs don't want to go to a pub, fine, but it's your Christmas too, and you're not Santa who can do everything by magic.

Horses7 · 01/12/2025 15:54

YANBU but arrange to be out Christmas Day just in case they turn up! Book a lunch and go out for the day.

MaMaMalenka · 01/12/2025 15:52

SerafinasGoose · 01/12/2025 12:48

I suspect this observation is going to go down like a lead balloon, but somebody needs to say it. This thread is a study in competitive martyrdom. It's a full-scale internalisation of the female socialisation that tells us: you come last. Your needs are not important. You're a vessel; a respository for the requirements of others. Even Virginia Woolf saw it nearly a century ago. Her 'angel in the house' 'was intensely sympathetic. She was immensely charming. She was utterly unselfish. She excelled in the difficult arts of family life. She sacrificed herself daily. If there was chicken, she took the leg; if there was a draught she sat in, in short, she was so constituted that she never had a mind or a wish of her own, but preferred to sympathize always with the minds and wishes of others. Above all, I need not say it – she was pure'.

A century later, just reading the contents of this thread is a depressing reminiscence on those observations, made in 1932. Women: you do not have to do this. You really, really don't. Your place on this planet is not to provide domestic servitude, especially to those who take it as theirs by right and provide nothing in return - not even a modicum of gratitude.

Your ungrateful, entitled families won't change. You are the one who has to do that. You won't do it in the first place because it's difficult. You'll receive pushback. You might even receive the usual 'extinction burst' as the pressure ramps up to make you do what you've always done. When you step outside your box as a woman you'll find there will be no shortage of volunteers to shove you right back into it. When they realise all such efforts are futile, then comes peace. Then comes the Christmas you want to enjoy: the Christmas some of you have sacrificed for decades. Worth it? I think so.

Be Kind. To YOU, for a change. The word you are looking for is 'no'.

Edited

THIS is so, so true!

Howdidlifegetsobusy · 01/12/2025 15:42

Like you I get the pleasure of hosting my family every year too! My parents cannot manage to take turns anymore (and in some respects my sister and I had to insist they don’t given their age now).
I used to get frustrated (we are talking last 20 years or so), as my dad, sister, brother in law and his brother rarely lifted a finger.
I ended up asking if we could get my sister to prep all deserts, mum and dad buy wine, etc and that there is assistance with washing up etc. this has made it all about easier.

my sister doesn’t have the space to host us all (trust me it’s a squeeze anyway), so do agree it wouldn’t be much fun.

I would personally not ask, but tell them they all have purchasing and helping tasks assigned to them. If they refuse let them know they can do make their own Christmas plans!

JustSawJohnny · 01/12/2025 15:33

They've had it too easy for too long.

Just tell them straight that you're sick of them letting you pay for literally everything and sitting on their arse while you run around after them.

Tell them you want to actually enjoy Xmas day for once and that means not pandering to them.

It's not your responsibility to make their Xmas day enjoyable for them.

If they don't want to pay to eat out, good.

Go to town for you and yours and let them sort themselves out.

Brefugee · 01/12/2025 15:31

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 01/12/2025 14:41

Maybe do as your sister said and don't make a big deal out of it. when they turn up have nothing for them.

fish finger sandwiches all round

SockFluffInTheBath · 01/12/2025 15:30

Free loading CFery at its festive finest. I agree with not going to one pub/restaurant all together, they will all do a runner just before the bill comes out.

Mrspalmer2016 · 01/12/2025 15:19

I’ve hosted my parents and in-laws for the last 5 years, my parents provide the meat and I cook it, the in-laws provide the desserts and some alcohol. I stand and cook it all and serve up that’s how it’s worked for us.

if I were you tell them to shove it and find someone else to do all the work you do.

RedFlagsAllOver · 01/12/2025 15:19

Oh no fuck that! Ungrateful lot I wouldn't have any of them.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 01/12/2025 15:18

RobinEllacotStrike · 01/12/2025 14:32

I think its a bad idea - everyone will simply turn up regardless.

Show quote history

That didn’t even occur to me - but then, I can’t imagine not contributing with food, booze, money, and help to a family (or any other big private) celebration, being hosted in a family or friend’s home so I’ve clearly got different boundaries and habits than the OP’s family!

WhereYouLeftIt · 01/12/2025 15:15

I'm going to go out on a limb (one that I feel sure is sturdy enough to bear my not inconsiderable weight) and ask - this cheeky fuckery by your family is NOT confined just to Christmas, is it?

All those comments about you " “earn the most” and have “the nice house” " - that just shrieks envy and entitlement to me. So now that your focus is on their appalling Christmas free-loading - what else has surfaced in your memory? Being expected to pay for coffee when out? Expected to buy drinks, but none bought for you? Sizeable presents expected for birthdays, a token the most you can expect for yours?

There's no way their Christmas behaviour is out of character.

OhYeahOhYeah · 01/12/2025 15:15

Oh wow, your family sound very selfish, and frankly, bloody rude!

Who turns up at Christmas without any contribution.

I personally would stick to my guns, and not host. You will probably find that they realise what a super Christmas they’re missing out on, and will be more willing to dig deep next year……

CleansUpButWouldPreferNotTo · 01/12/2025 15:07

Tell them you're doing something different this year, you're going out for lunch but you'll be in for the afternoon, and invite them for sherry and mince pies from 4-7pm. Tell them if they want anything else they should bring it. That way you can host the family gathering but on your terms, and after a couple of years of that, you can bow out of hosting without too many protests.

Maria1982 · 01/12/2025 15:01

Shoxfordian · 01/12/2025 04:08

Your family are just too accustomed to taking advantage of your good nature - probably not the only time they do it as well.

Say no, stand your ground op

This! Say no and stand your ground. They will kick up a big fuss and try to guilt trip you.

gallivantsaregood · 01/12/2025 14:51

Book you and your immediate family, ie your kids/partner a nice pub/restaurant lunch, and tell the rest of the selfish folk you won't be home.

eqpi4t2hbsnktd · 01/12/2025 14:41

Maybe do as your sister said and don't make a big deal out of it. when they turn up have nothing for them.

PotatoPrometheus · 01/12/2025 14:38

I'd save your money and spend it on a lovely Christmas holiday away from the family

RobinEllacotStrike · 01/12/2025 14:32

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 01/12/2025 14:28

I think that’s excellent, though a bit on the low side for the cost, imagine if they were going to a pub or restaurant for Christmas lunch, even without booze!

Show quote history

I think its a bad idea - everyone will simply turn up regardless.

Jaichangecentfoisdenom · 01/12/2025 14:28

Brefugee · 01/12/2025 14:09

tell them that anyone who will bung you 20 quid a head (10 for kids) by 15th December is welcome. Everyone else can stay away...

I think that’s excellent, though a bit on the low side for the cost, imagine if they were going to a pub or restaurant for Christmas lunch, even without booze!

catin8oot5 · 01/12/2025 14:27

This almost sounds unbelievable. Sorry OP. Tell them all to get fucked.

GreyBeeplus3 · 01/12/2025 14:16

Just say NO to the lot of them I bet between them, behind your back you've become the standing joke they expected and got for the past 7 years
So what if youve got the biggest house and earn money?? Resentment rearing it's ugly head right there because you actually got up and went out to work and as it paid off; they all feel that it's time to get some of yours.
They're all a useless petty bunch, but I realise there may be perhaps some family whom you'd love to see.......
So what I'd do is book myself a lovely little break away over Christmas time and in the new year specifically have only the ones you like over for a drink and nibbles and make sure they understand that it's ONLY THEM YOURE ASKING
Also with them, ask them to bring a bottle of something or some lovely nibbles to ring in 2026?
Good Luck, whatever you decide
And another thing, I bet they've told their kids that you're the one with money and if cards are played right..........

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