Page 4 | Ended our relationship of nearly 40 years.

GreatOliveTiger · 2025-11-30T18:19:45+00:00

We have children and grandchildren together and have been together almost 40 years. We are not married. We have had a difficult relationship at times mainly because he is deceitful and selfish. We do however get on on a day to day level. I wanted to leave him in the past but for various reasons, young kids then elderly parents it seemed better to stay. I had thought that after him being unfaithful then very remorseful 10 years ago we had reached a good place and could grow old together in relative harmony. I have now found out that he has been lying to me for a very long time and is in a relationship with someone who caused me and my family a great deal of pain in the past. This is a complete betrayal. Not because of the sex but because of who it is. I feel that he has no respect for me or our relationship and has treated me with contempt. So I have told him it is ended. He is very upset and concerned that the rest of the family will turn against him and he will be cut out. Frankly that is on him. He will have to buy me out of our house. I am financially independent so am not worried about how I will live. What I am struggling with is how to tell my children and how to manage Christmas which we were supposed to be hosting. I don't want to wreck everyone's Christmas at this late stage. Should I not say anything until after Christmas or should I speak to them and let them know and they will need to sort something out for themselves. What a bloody mess.

Original poster

GreatOliveTiger · 30/11/2025 21:24

Just to confirm he will need to buy me out of the house which I would very much prefer. We had agreed that we would move from London when we retired which he subsequently reneged on presumably so he could carry on with the woman. I want to move forward with lots of his capital. My kids don't have a great relationship with him. They joke about me putting his name on cards and presents because he wouldn't have a clue or give a fuck about birthdays etc. Whereas I am very close to them and involved in their lives.

OP posts:

Canonlythinkofthisone · 30/11/2025 21:22

OhDear111 · 30/11/2025 19:38

You aren’t married so no explanation needed. He did what he wanted and isn’t married. In effect, you are both single - so just be single. I don’t understand why non married couples get the same angst over separation as married couples. You aren’t committed to anything with your partner. I see your feelings are hurt but you also could do exactly the same with no remorse. You both reserved this position for yourselves. He’s just taken advantage and you didn’t. Just tell dc what he’s doing. Keep to facts.

What on earth.

TheatricalLife · 30/11/2025 21:21

I think the OP means give him the house as in she will leave and he can buy her out of her half? Not actually gift him the whole thing.

CantBreathe90 · 30/11/2025 21:21

It's not that close to Christmas.

A month is a long time to have to pretend.

You need support now.

You couldn't "ruin" anything. All of the fault lies with your hideous ex.

Leopardsandcheetahsarefast · 30/11/2025 21:17

GreatOliveTiger · 30/11/2025 20:28

Thank you all for your kind messages. They have really bored me up. I was feeling pretty sad at the thought that this is the end of all our life together. I am leaving him the house. I don't want it. I want a new start with no need to compromise. His mistress or whatever is in a long term relationship and it seems is happy to shag him weekly but not leave her husband so not a great outcome for him. I sort of pity him. What a dick head. I have no hatred just contempt that he has fucked his life up. I have had a few glasses of wine and am feeling bolshy but will no doubt be sad later.

Why give him the house ? No Sir. He can have half of what he contributed to and he needs to tell everyone that he is a liar and cheat,

FridayFriesDay · 30/11/2025 21:11

SwordToFlamethrower · 30/11/2025 18:34

Congratulations on taking out the trash. He has ruined his own life and at this point, I'd be laughing! You're free of him and his stink, his mess, his face, everything!

You are free. Have an amazing Christmas! You got a great gift 🎁

Completely agree!

It’s not your job to keep playing happy families. Your kids are adults and need to know the truth. He’s the one that did it all and he can be the one to explain it to the family.

Wishing you every happiness x

therewasafishinthepercolator · 30/11/2025 21:11

Definitely do not give him the house. Use your solicitor. Don't give him a penny more then he's entitled to. Even if you don't want it your DC or grandchildren could benefit. Not him. Don't make any rash decisions you'll come to regret.

Goldbar31 · 30/11/2025 21:10

Sorry you are going through this. You’ll be just fine.
Congratulations on your fresh start! I hope you’re good enjoy Christmas & have a peaceful 2026!

MusicMakesItAllBetter · 30/11/2025 21:09

I salute you OP.
Well done for not putting up with his BS!!
Its ok to feel sad. Even though it is your choice, you will still mourn the loss of your relationship. 40 years is a hell of a long time, so sadness is a natural response to the occasion.

I understand why you want to leave him the house it I agree with other posters that I don't think you should.

Tell your children as soon as possible so you can have time over the next few weeks to decide if you want to do Xmas still. I'm sure they'll understand.

Well done!
Be kind to yourself ❤️‍🩹❤️💐

therewasafishinthepercolator · 30/11/2025 21:07

It absolutely is on him. Well done op.

Do what you want to do. If you want to host do that but don't feel like you have to keep it to yourself.

Take time to decide how you want to spend Christmas and what you need from people and then sit them down and be honest.

Spicybutn8cey · 30/11/2025 21:05

OP, think seriously before you leave him the house. Only do that if you're sure you can manage financially. Well done for not putting up with all of that. Christmas is only 2 days anyway. Wishing you much happiness.

Spicybutn8cey · 30/11/2025 21:03

OhDear111 · 30/11/2025 20:33

@CunningLinguist2 Er? No. Just seen it all before. No marriage- no morals. I’ve seen people just see it as their right and they do what they want - as here. Not committing is leaving your options open deliberately. Just is. That’s why more unmarried couples split than married. They don’t want to commit. 40 years with previous unfaithful episodes is a long time but the partner here is acting as if not married for a while. Op expected better but didn’t expect marriage.

What a load of rubbish.

YourFairCyanReader · 30/11/2025 21:02

GreatOliveTiger · 30/11/2025 20:28

Thank you all for your kind messages. They have really bored me up. I was feeling pretty sad at the thought that this is the end of all our life together. I am leaving him the house. I don't want it. I want a new start with no need to compromise. His mistress or whatever is in a long term relationship and it seems is happy to shag him weekly but not leave her husband so not a great outcome for him. I sort of pity him. What a dick head. I have no hatred just contempt that he has fucked his life up. I have had a few glasses of wine and am feeling bolshy but will no doubt be sad later.

Absolutely do not agree to gift him your proportion of the house!!

Even if you really, really think you want to. Consider that you will not be thinking entirely clearly right now, your judgement will be a bit off, and you shouldn't make any major financial decisions.

Hons123 · 30/11/2025 21:00

No, don't spare him. He never spared your feelings. Chuck him out and do your own Christmas, with your dc and grandchildren. Do not put up a front for the sake of his family, etc.

Spicybutn8cey · 30/11/2025 20:59

OhDear111 · 30/11/2025 19:38

You aren’t married so no explanation needed. He did what he wanted and isn’t married. In effect, you are both single - so just be single. I don’t understand why non married couples get the same angst over separation as married couples. You aren’t committed to anything with your partner. I see your feelings are hurt but you also could do exactly the same with no remorse. You both reserved this position for yourselves. He’s just taken advantage and you didn’t. Just tell dc what he’s doing. Keep to facts.

But they've been together for 40 years have dc and gc together! That's just as much a commitment as being married which is just a piece of paper.

Elsvieta · 30/11/2025 20:52

GreatOliveTiger · 30/11/2025 20:30

Not bored me up. I meant really made me feel supported.

Buoyed me up!

Glad you're feeling better, but "leaving him the house", seriously? He gets rewarded for betraying you with a free house? That might end up being owned by his tart?

If you're in the happy position of having a house you don't want or need, use the money to benefit your DC or GDC, not this loser.

AmyDudley · 30/11/2025 20:46

OhDear111 · 30/11/2025 20:33

@CunningLinguist2 Er? No. Just seen it all before. No marriage- no morals. I’ve seen people just see it as their right and they do what they want - as here. Not committing is leaving your options open deliberately. Just is. That’s why more unmarried couples split than married. They don’t want to commit. 40 years with previous unfaithful episodes is a long time but the partner here is acting as if not married for a while. Op expected better but didn’t expect marriage.

I was married for 35 years, then my husband had an affair, marriage doesn't stop affairs and not being married doesn't cause them. Fundamentally decent people don't cheat, fundamentally indecent people do.
Living with someone and having children is just as strong a committment as marriage, if that isn't enough for someone not to cheat then a certificate is not going to make any difference.

Well done OP, I wish you a happy life free of this useless man. A word of caution, don't make too hasty a decision about the house, I felt similar to you and just wanted to get away from him and start my own new life, consequently I could have been more financially secure if I had taken all I was entitled to. Just give it some thought, you might still feel the way you do, but there's no need to rush the nitty gritty of any agreement.

NormasArse · 30/11/2025 20:42

OhDear111 · 30/11/2025 19:38

You aren’t married so no explanation needed. He did what he wanted and isn’t married. In effect, you are both single - so just be single. I don’t understand why non married couples get the same angst over separation as married couples. You aren’t committed to anything with your partner. I see your feelings are hurt but you also could do exactly the same with no remorse. You both reserved this position for yourselves. He’s just taken advantage and you didn’t. Just tell dc what he’s doing. Keep to facts.

They have been together 40 years and raised children together- they weren’t fucking single!

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 30/11/2025 20:41

OhDear111 · 30/11/2025 20:33

@CunningLinguist2 Er? No. Just seen it all before. No marriage- no morals. I’ve seen people just see it as their right and they do what they want - as here. Not committing is leaving your options open deliberately. Just is. That’s why more unmarried couples split than married. They don’t want to commit. 40 years with previous unfaithful episodes is a long time but the partner here is acting as if not married for a while. Op expected better but didn’t expect marriage.

You are entitled to your views but you have the sensitivity and tact of a concrete block to voice them on this thread. Start your own if you want to moralise.

CunningLinguist2 · 30/11/2025 20:38

MagpiePi · 30/11/2025 20:37

🙄🙄🙄

Show quote history

I know! Still laughing.

CunningLinguist2 · 30/11/2025 20:38

OhDear111 · 30/11/2025 20:33

@CunningLinguist2 Er? No. Just seen it all before. No marriage- no morals. I’ve seen people just see it as their right and they do what they want - as here. Not committing is leaving your options open deliberately. Just is. That’s why more unmarried couples split than married. They don’t want to commit. 40 years with previous unfaithful episodes is a long time but the partner here is acting as if not married for a while. Op expected better but didn’t expect marriage.

35 years unmarried. You’re talking absolute bollocks.
Entertaining, but bollocks.

MagpiePi · 30/11/2025 20:37

OhDear111 · 30/11/2025 20:33

@CunningLinguist2 Er? No. Just seen it all before. No marriage- no morals. I’ve seen people just see it as their right and they do what they want - as here. Not committing is leaving your options open deliberately. Just is. That’s why more unmarried couples split than married. They don’t want to commit. 40 years with previous unfaithful episodes is a long time but the partner here is acting as if not married for a while. Op expected better but didn’t expect marriage.

🙄🙄🙄

cupfinalchaos · 30/11/2025 20:37

So pleased you’ve made this decision. Much better to live on your own in peace and contentment. Tell them tomorrow, just get it out there. In the grand scheme of things Christmas isn’t really important.

OhDear111 · 30/11/2025 20:36

Also all our non married friends have either split or married. Mainly due to finance I have to say.

Catpuss66 · 30/11/2025 20:35

Certainly wouldn’t be leaving him the house, do you think that would be
reciprocated I doubt it he had no thought of you before. Sell the house get half the money use it to start anew.