Ended our relationship of nearly 40 years.

@OhDear111
Your pearls must be crushed to dust by now.

😂😂😂

@Mummyshark2019 Not being married means they are both single! They deliberately wanted this status. He probably sees his actions as legitimate as he’s chosen to be a single person. I agree marriage doesn’t make someone stay together for life but they have actually entered an agreement and formal partnership with their spouse. The op and her “partner” never have and he’s certainly maintained a single person attitude. I’m not saying marriage would have changed his behaviour but I’ve seen people who remain single as deliberately reserving the right to behave in this way. It’s guilt free to them. That will be his position but the op doesn’t seem to share this view. Whether dc will be surprised is a moot point too. They might already be aware of his personality. My dc were.

Tell them. They're adults. Tell them exactly what he is, what he's done and who he's done it with.

Stop protecting him. You may not realise, but it's him you're protecting here.

Tell them, him and her that he's spending Christmas at hers.

Limping through a Christmas lie together will do nobody any favours.

I see your point but assumed both parents would be present when he spoke, that OP would not be silent if he changed his story, that he’d have to admit what he’s done and she couldn’t be accused of influencing the family’s opinion of him.
We are agreed both parents to tell them together is wise.

I’d be reluctant to let him do this. He might re-write the whole story and spin a lot of half truths. Probably best for both parents to tell them together, so he can’t change the narrative to fit his own agenda.

Rent a beautiful Airbnb property over the Christmas period. Keep your hosting plans, minus him obviously.

Your adult children will no doubt be very supportive. It doesn’t sound like they care too much for him. They need to know as soon as possible.

Don't leave it until after Christmas; tell them now.

And as PP have said, either make alternative arrangements for Christmas or host yourself and tell the snivelling cheating bastard to fuck off as he is not welcome.

It's been said enough times but I just want to say it again, I'm sorry that you're going through this, but be straightforward with your children. They are adults, and all this will be difficult for them, they will understand.
And you say, you don't want to spring this on them this late before Christmas... There's still 25 days before Christmas that's almost a month that's a 12th of a year, don't worry about it, it's not like Christmas Day is tomorrow and they're all making plans to come over to your place for dinner and even if it was tomorrow, you could cancel.
No. Put yourself first.
Don't make a show out of hosting a happy family Christmas just so that you can break the news to them and the new year what their father did to the whole family, his lies, his deceit, his cruelty, no. You've been through 40 years of this, that's long enough.
2026 is going to be your time to shine. Make a partner-free Christmas your gift to yourself this year

Dont forget to do a new will!

Christmas is still a month away, plenty of time for people to make other plans.

I'd tell your loved ones what's going on so you can get some support.

OP, it is his loss and you will be ok. It is sad because we tend to look at these things with nostalgia and romanticise moments and memories. But this happened for a reason and you've now been set free. Wish you well.

The fact that someone is married does not immediately make them moral and committed!! I was married to my ex for 20 years. That did not stop him from screwing the office whore and having 2 kids with her, all while still remaining married to me and living with my son and I!! A relationship is a relationship, married or not. Respect should be present regardless of whether there's a legal contract in place.

Yes I agree with this.
If he possesses modicum of respect for you he'll leave ASAP and let you get on with the rest of your life on peace.
I'm so sorry that you're having to deal with this 😔 💐

You're really claiming that someone who's been with their partner for 40 years shouldn't be as devastated as someone who's married and she could do exactly the same as he could because they're both single? What a ridiculous take on committed couples who aren't married - are you a Stepford wife?

Divorce stats rather belie your "true commitment" belief.

Well done you! I love how his only concern at this point is yet another selfish one. Be calm & dignified and have a lovely, peaceful Christmas.

You really do deserve better than that deceitful b’tard.x

@GreatOliveTiger

What I am struggling with is how to tell my children and how to manage Christmas which we were supposed to be hosting. I don't want to wreck everyone's Christmas at this late stage. Should I not say anything until after Christmas or should I speak to them and let them know and they will need to sort something out for themselves. What a bloody mess.

I'm in a similar boat. 38 year marriage, I've left due to his drinking. We had a great marriage up until about 7 months ago when his drinking soared and his personality flipped. I'm assuming all your children are adults. So my advice is this;

Tell your children now and tell them the truth calmly and without 'vilifying' their dad; simply say that he's been cheating on you for years and you've had enough. You deserve to be free and live 'honestly', not to go through another Christmas living a lie. I'm sure they'll support you as my DC have been supporting me. In fact, they have both said that I did the right thing and that I shouldn't ever think of going back (I'm not).

I sat down with my DC and said that what I wanted to do was throw all our Christmas traditions out the window and start fresh. They agreed 100%. We still haven't quite figured out what we're going to do or where and when we're going to do it, but it will be something new, not 'old traditions' that will remind us of 'days gone by' with their dad. At least for this first year.

One other thing I'll say. When this all happened it was surprising to me how much they already knew about their dad's 'new' excessive drinking but hadn't wanted to say anything. Yours may know or suspect that you've been unhappy for some time. So don't be surprised if they say they've been expecting 'something like this'.

It can be argued he’s been the perfect pawn in her hands to cause you and your family further hurt, hasn’t comprehended how he’s been used and is about to fully appreciate that he’s been merely the weekly bit on the side of a woman who wants to stay in her marriage. You don’t want him, your children don’t rate him and she doesn’t want him.

Be honest, Christmas is the least of worries. It's a day, fuck it, open up about the real issues.

I think you're on the wrong thread.

OP don't move out until the house is sold or he buys you out. There's no incentive for him to do anything if you're not there and you'll never see the money.

Be a big, open book with your adult children. You will be supported by them undoubtedly, and concerns about Christmas will disappear.
Well done on knowing your worth and not accepting his deceit and betrayal.
Keep those who love and care about you close. 🩵

I think you are going to be just fine ,and perhaps life is going to get even better for you without him in it.
You have your head screwed on and a loving family who will see you through this.
Keep focused on your new life free of this pathetic man who clearly doesn't deserve you.
And be prepared for when he comes grovelling back when everything turns to shit for him , but you'll be flying high.

Have a nice Christmas with your family at home and he can fuck off elsewhere. Deceitful bastards not welcome. Sounds like your own children etc. would prefer that outcome anyway. Don’t just play happy families for the sake of Christmas. You’ll have a terrible time, you all will. And it continues the theme of deceit.

Christmas is far enough away for plans to change. It’s not even the first yet. It’s hardly this weekend!

This is heartbreaking. Please do tell your children when you can find the words. I'd hate to think my mum was silently suffering. Please take care of yourself and let them support you. He's gone so low, he deserves everything that's coming to him.

It's going to take a while to get in any decent headspace so take it one day at a time, cry when you need to. You sound incredibly strong, it's going to be a rollercoaster but it won't last forever. You've got a far better future ahead of you than he does, embrace the change ♥️

Well done you.

I would take a few days to decide whether you want to tell people.

It may be that you need time to process it and sort yourself out before going over it with other people. And that may mean not saying anything until after Xmas.

Or you may prefer for it to be out in the open.

You don’t need to decide anything right now.

im sure you know op but the pain of separation and grief for what you have lost and his terrible betrayal will pass, life will be so so much better on the other side