Adult kids not interested in us.

Try asking. Dm is blowing up my phone everyday (because it suits her now, despite hardly bothering when she was occupied, and when I needed her the most). Now she needs me, and keeps up a facade that we have a mother/daughter relationship that we never ever had. Ihave dcs, and she is wanting whatsapp conversations every day, when this is not our relationship.

I am not saying that this is anywhere similar to what you're going through op, but a conversation can go a long way.

Do they socialise with their sibling or do they not bother with them also?

I think there's always a reason, usually its a lack of self awareness, either from the parent or the adult DC.

YABU for a post with so little information, eg how often you see and speak to your DC, how far away they live and so on. What you’ve done to maintain your relationship with each of them.

We have a family WhatsApp group and share what’s going on in our lives.
Sometimes we have a zoom call and they come back sometimes for weekends or occasions.
We also ask them to join us if we are letting an air b and b sometimes.
I like that they’re independent and remember being the same in my twenties.
we never put any pressure on them about seeing us, but I do make an effort with nice food and entertainment when they’re back.
We also visit them and find out about their lives.
i have chronic pain too, it can make things seem hard but i distract myself and try not to talk too much about it, they know and understand but can’t really magic it away.

I’m sure you did but If there is any past hurt that they might be carrying acknowledging it and apologising can go a long way.

Sounds like you may be wanting to lean on them emotionally if you're lonely in your partnership/marriage which a lot of adult children don't want to know about or be involved in.

Do you have friends or a Frienship group/hobby group for your social needs?

A bit more context needed. What is it they don't do that you think they should be doing? Do they have their own families now/kids/busy work etc?

Do they live close by?
Do they have partners, kids?
Do they have demanding full time jobs?

I think it just depends on their personality and how close you are

My friend has a 20 year old son, he visits her weekly, they go for nice meals with his partner ect

She also has a 15 year old who absolutely adores spending time with her,

Mine are a lot younger than my friends but I so hope mine want to visit me and spend time with me when their older like my friends DC do

Do you think you provided a happy childhood or are there things that you feel you should apologise for?
I haven’t spoke with my mum for four years now because of this reason.
My husband feels similar about his mum and dad but is still in contact, he sees them around 3 times per year. They moan about this but are quite hard to be around, very negative.
Plus we both work 40+ hours a week and it seems it’s always us arranging things.

It's a different world now, you can't even compare generations. When I think of my own childhood where we did nothing at all, and my childrens, who do as much as our tight budget allows, we are so busy!y mother doesn't get why I'm not able to answer the phone to her whenever she rings me. It's exhausting.

What does work is the family WhatsApp groups which has my father, my siblings and their partners in it. We are in a constant chat. So I can tell you what they're up to and can see that they're good, we share stupid jokes and play stupid games with puns or someone will post a quiz. It's brilliant, and I feel really close to them all despite us only being in the same room a couple of days a year. Low demand, high reward.

So tell them about yourself. If they ignore you, point out how rude this is.
Most DC go through a self centred phase in their teens, but I'd expect them to have outgrown it by late twenties.

Unless the issue is that they feel that you moan constantly and they are worn out with dealing with it?

What do you mean by "not interested"? Do you mean you literally never hear from or see them? If this is the case, this is likely to be a conscious decision.

If you mean you don't see/hear from them as much as you would like, this might be because they are busy with family/work/other committments.

If you mean you do see/hear from them but they only talk about themselves, I'd suggest raising this ...

How often do you see them? What is the relationship like? How close do they live? I don't think there's a right/wrong.

Surely if they're independent and happy, that's the main thing?

I'm not sure how the two things are related, the comparing yourself to other parents and the adult kids not being very interested?

How often do you see them or hear from them, and what would your ideal situation be?

I think it depends on the relationship when they are growing up and distance from you can also play a part.

Families are different, some see each other regularly and there is always a celebration, others not as often but close, so just at Christmas/birthdays and others never. I think the relationship you will have with adult DC is made when they are teens (although future partner/kids can have an impact on the relationship).

How would you like things to be different.