Adult kids not interested in us.

That's a somewhat facile/glib comment - and, no, it's not really 'End of'

Will you be seeing them over Christmas? How often do you see them? And, if you’re honest, when you do see them - what’s it like?

I would love to be closer to my parents but they never pick up the phone to have a chat. Even when my GPs died it was a text.
Are you making an effort too?
I have found my late 20s to 30 the busiest I've ever been so seeing them regularly is difficult.
Maybe try and up the contact with texts or calls?

I probably saw mine every 6 weeks or so in my 20s. Mainly because term time was so hectic.

More regularly when I had kids in my 30s.

But conversation was an effort. My dad likes to lecture about whatever's upset him on the telly. Mum used to nod, or offer up trite little comments- which then annoyed dad. Dm never got into text messaging, unlike other relatives.

For me, visiting was just bloody boring. Their lives were just so...meh and lacking in energy. It just used to remind me why I couldn't wait to leave home.

If it’s a while since you’ve e been treated for depression and you’re struggling with pain have a chat with a medic to see if you need more input or a change in medication.
Can people be kind to the OP, when you’re low it’s hard to reach out and you can feel people are uncaring.

How often did you see your parents when you were their age? And also when your kids were young?

Don't get upset. Sometimes children grow up thoughtless, irrespective of what you do. Just look at MN posts - not a single post about 'my mum went without raising me, she is not getting any younger and I am still not earning enough to buy her nice things/send her on a cruise/buy her a car', so what would you suggest I do to thank her properly for going over and above when raising me/us'. Not a single post like that. All the posts are about 'abuse' - the priceless one was the other day 'my parents abused me because they called me 'the clever one', and my sister 'the pretty one'. Or you read posts about 'boundaries' or 'my parents ate the food I bought for myself and put in their fridge because I am sponging off them accommodation-wise'. Just look at the posts and cheer up, not being bothered is not the worst that can happen to us, parents.

I think I was probably a bit like this in my late 20s. Was in a new / tough career, living away from home, new friends and just probably didn’t think about my parents that much unless it was Christmas or birthday. Sometimes I went a couple of weeks without speaking to my mum and she always phoned me. I was just a bit inconsiderate. My mum did point it out to me and I bucked up my ideas.

Perhaps they're just naturally more introverted than their sibling. I think all you can do is to maintain an open offer that they are welcome to come anytime.
Maybe off a set date once a month for dinner or something?

@Birlngsnotnicepeople I totally understand where you are coming from but...

Do you think that because your adult children don't visit/contact as often as you would like, you must have done something "wrong"?

Could it not simply be a case, as @PivotPivotmakingmargaritas mentioned that they're wonderfully independent, busy adults, making their way?

You've mentioned that "I am a bit lonely and we are an afterthought"

The loneliness, is for you to rectify and not for your children to fulfil. The afterthought comment is somewhat concerning as you seem to think that your children are somehow failing your need?

Your "expectation" of what your relationship should look like, does not align with theirs.

So a change in your mindset could be useful and bring you the most peace to enable you to just enjoy their company, when you do actually see/have contact with them.

Don't be sad @Birlngsnotnicepeople, it is what it is 🌻

I honestly can't remember how often I saw my parents before I had dc, but pretty regularly as apart from when I was away at uni, we've always lived fairly nearby. After dc, probably at least once a week.

I get on well with my dps, we've holidayed together, pre and post dc, and I can't imagine not seeing them regularly.

Yep!

I’m curious about why you see other people as ‘the outside world’? It feels as though you feel cut off from it.
Could you be a bit depressed-it’s common in chronic pain?
have a look at a depression check list and see a gp if you are scoring high? Please ignore if not relevant

This is really sad. I have adult DC’s the same age as yours who live 60 and 80 miles away.
They text, WhatsApp or phone every single day and DH and I see them on average about every 4 weeks, they usually visit us.
We also go away with them probably twice a year for a long weekend.
This seems to be slightly more than most of my friends with similar age DC’s.

This is like squeezing blood out of a stone. If this is how a typical conversation is with your children, I’m not surprised they don’t visit as much as you would like.

You do sound a bit whingy in your posts OP - if that carries over into your interactions with your kids, I promise you they will not want to hear about it.

You can communicate your problems factually if you think they need to know, so long as you also follow up by telling them all the steps you are taking to deal with the issue(s), and there is NO HINT that you expect anything from them in response beyond a "how annoying, but that sounds like a good way to deal with it" and maybe "my friend's Mum tried X and apparently it's quite helpful"

Do not make your problems theirs , it's the best way I can think of to make your kids scoot away in the opposite direction. (Unless you have enmeshed them in FOG which it sounds like you have been wise enough not to do)

I think that, especially pre children, it’s normal for your adult dc to be forming their own adult lives. It won’t always be that way.

Do you rustle up some grub when they DO pop round?

My DC are in their mid/late twenties and live about 90 minutes travel away.

We are in daily contact online and talk on the phone regularly. DS probably three times a week and DD once.

We meet up face to face on average every 6 weeks.

It depends.

If they don’t talk to you at all, then you/your DH is likely to be the problem.

If they do but they don’t spends loads of time with you, then it’s likely they’re just busy.

I do find I work all week and then the weekends I want to just relax or cram in seeing friends, shopping, cleaning, visiting new places etc.

How often do you see them?

I think there can be different factors. We live very close to MIL and have DC so we see her pretty regularly, DH can easily pop in for a chat etc. Whereas MILs daughter lives a few hours away, no kids, busy career and she maybe speaks on the phone once a month. No bad feelings or anything, just circumstances.