Adult kids not interested in us.

We used to live about a 4 - 7 hour travel from each set of parents, mine in a different country and my husbands a long expensive train, or a longer cheap coach, journey away. We used to travel to see my parents about 4 times a year, with some of my family visiting at least every couple of months. We travelled to see his parents twice a year and in 5 years his mum visited once.
We now live in the same country as my parents and see them multiple times a week, and travel to see his parents every couple of years. They've not visited once.

When I was at uni, I'd see my parents once a year though so swings and roundabouts.

I feel for you OP, one of mine is round the corner but works long hours so I might see him if he calls in randomly to borrow something or we have an arranged event. I see his wife and dog about three times a week. DD is 20 miles away, I see her once every couple of weeks but we talk every day and text 100 times a day.

We have a family group chat, we go for family meals every couple of months and have weekends and holidays away, some or all of us. All very casual and often impromptu. We might stay over at each others houses if we are babysitting or dog sitting or visiting elsewhere more local to one of other of us.

We are each others “go to” in times of need, from emergency child care to financial to moral support .

I think it helps if they are not far away.

I missed the bit about not suggesting it was like her. Apologies, I was wrong but a bit upset by lack of empathy generally on the thread

This

The OP might be wise to look at some of the threads on the stately homes forum to see whether she may see anything from her children’s perspective. Or even perhaps recognise one of them posting on there!

Our 3 drop in all the time and they text on and off through the day, one has just moved temporarily back home, one lives 80 miles away and we see him approx weekly.
They meet up as siblings for concerts and festivals which we aren't invited to. I have chronic pain but would never ever show this. I don't want them to fret about me.
When they are with us we keep things light and fun. I don't think they are here out of obligation but because they want to be. We spend a fortune on them though. We buy tickets for events for us all, host a yearly family holiday that they all come to with partners.
Could you book something and invite them all? Doesn't have to be expensive. Pub Quiz or day at the beach?

Your adult DC are not the right people to mitigate your loneliness or take a solicitous interest in the day to day stuff of your life. That’s what your friends and your spouse are for.

I’m also wondering whether you are as reticent in person as you are on here, and whether conversation with you might feel a bit effortful, with a lot of unexpressed aggression and defensiveness.

My dad always felt we didn’t bother with him. But the more effort I put into spending time with him, the more he’d go on about how I was neglecting and abandoning him.

He mainly wanted to chat about his complex medical conditions and doctor’s appointments and medications, and how the world was going to shit, and how everyone around him let him down, and how all his colleagues and neighbours were stupid / incompetent / evil.

He never showed any interest in my life.

Every conversation was an endless dump of martyrdom and misery, topped and tailed with guilt trips.

Eventually I figured if he was going to insist on feeling abandoned no matter how much attention I paid him, I might as well get the benefits of actually abandoning him. So I just stopped communicating with him.

(He still had his wife and second family - he had a huge support network of people by whom he delighted in feeling neglected)

I wonder if there is some form of this dynamic going on.

Kahlil Gibran 1883 –1931
And a woman who held a babe against her bosom said, Speak to us of Children.
And he said:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life’s longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them like you.

Will you see them over Christmas?

That seemed like a balanced post to me and certainly doesn’t warrant this daft indignation

wow, is that how you respond to your friends in real life who are depressed and in chronic pain?
You dont know if the poster is toxic, im sorry your parents were.
This place used to be lovely and supportive, I do despair.

Yes, sometimes it is like that.
I'm 46, not suggesting this is you, when I was 25
I moved to another country and ever since
kept a very low contact with my toxic parents. (One died about 16 years ago).

Unfortunately people only read the first post and then give ‘advice’ . It will keep coming but don’t feel obliged to keep reading it.
depression and chronic pain is a a horrible duo, please be kind to yourself, take steps to get help tomorrow and then the rest of life will improve.

That's hard for you.
Previous generations had a sense of obligation to their family. We no longer feel that obligation which may be a good thing but there's also a definite downside.

I have four adult children who live in different parts of the country. They visit home a few times each year and we talk on the phone each week or more than once a week. We go and visit them where they are a few times a year.

Perhaps your children live close to home therefore don't see the need, they know you're there and assume you always will be.

Agreed, but those same well rounded people wouldn’t need to post on MN to ask how to show how grateful they are. Which appeared to be your bugbear.

Another poster talked about routines of seeing family. Could you say to them you'd like to see them more and make plans for a night of the week to have dinner/ a cup of tea/cake together? Once a fortnight. Or similar.

No, but the ability to show appreciation occasionally is a desirable trait in well rounded adults. Life shouldn't be entirely viewed as a one way street.

Of my three children the closest lives over 300 miles away. They have tiny children so I go on the train to see them about every 6 weeks. It’s much easier for me to go to them than it is for them to come to us, especially as they are working and I’m retired. It’s an eight hour return trip but I get to read or listen to podcasts without my neglected housework or garden making me feel guilty.
We WhatsApp every week sometimes more than once. The middle child lives more than 330 miles away, only an hour from the first. We go down and stay approximately every three months but we message almost weekly. I also have a stepson living close to this one. Again they all work full time. Child number three lives abroad and we see them less often but face time regularly sometimes for well over an hour. They are very good at face timing if they see I’m on line.
I do feel I make most of the effort but I don’t mind. I have more time to think about them than they do to think about me.
you can’t bring them up to be independent then complain when they are.

I raised my children well because I’m their mum, not because I wanted them to thank me.

For those at the back

She suffers from depression and chronic pain. The posting style reflects a low mood and her interactions with the adult children will be affected by this.

Maybe ask HQ to delete the thread op, if it’s making you feel worse.

That was unkind.

Could it be that you and your DC have very different communication styles? From the way you respond to posters here I wonder if you struggle with text based communication? I think sometimes you have to push through if someone you care about has a preferred method that isn't the easiest for you.

I think it’s quite usual for parent/child love to be uneven. You’ll always love them more than you are loved back . My oldest son (21) takes a week to answer a text, sometimes never. Unless it is something that interests / affects him,

He’s just a bit of a selfish person but I was at that age too! I just keep my expectations low and keep on giving. He wouldn’t be able to be so selfish if he thought my love was conditional

I feel like he’ll be back when he has kids / sees a bit more of the world. I was always given a guilt trip by my parents. But I want him to feel free to live his life.

I am 60 and have two adult children (males). I also have a mum and dad. This year I have gone very low contact with my parents( I should have done it years ago)

I see both lads several or more times a week. I go on walks with one if them.with our three dogs and he comes round once a week for tea. Both of them come to the pub quiz on a Wednesday with me and dh plus several other family members.
We plan meals out and go to gigs and the cinema together.

Its a two way street
We all contact each other and stay in touch.
The 'children' are in their mid and late 20s