To not want to take 6 year old to grandparents funeral?

We took ours to my mil's funeral because FIL and DH wanted them there. They were the only children, but were also her only grandchildren, and it felt completely appropriate. They were 5, 9 and 11. MIL had wanted grandchildren so much and they were so important to her - when she got her diagnosis she'd wanted to hang on for the youngest's first day of school (we live in a country where children start school at 6 and the first day is a big family occasion with both sets of grandparents usually and presents, new clothes, photos and an extended family meal) but she didn't quite make it.

It was years ago and the youngest recently changed his bedroom around and put her memorial card up on display. It still seems completely appropriate that they went to the funeral, but obviously different families/ children/ local cultures are different.

I've so been to some truely sad funerals in my time - at 11 I went to the funeral of lt school friend's father who died age 39 from cancer. At 16 my own mother's funeral who died at 48 from a brain tumour. At 22 my brother' friend who committed suicide aged 25. They can still be celebrations of life and fine for children to attend.

Like I said, some English people are very odd about death and funerals.

I agree. Funerals are all a part of life and I don't believe in shielding children from reality (unless it's something truly horrific of course). It's a chance for her to mix with a cross section of adults of all ages and at the end of the day it was her grandmother. And unless you truly believe in God, I certainly wouldn't tell her she'd gone to heaven. Anyway, to be fair most children of that age don't really understand, let alone be traumatised.

Why would you not?

I didn’t take either of mine to my mum’s funeral. They were 8 and 5 at the time.

No to the funeral but yes to the tea/wake afterwards. I think it's too upsetting for them but I think they would benefit from hearing all about them at the wake when people tend to have happy stories about them and are more relaxed. Sorry for your loss.

There would almost certainly have been devastated family there, and they would likely see it a sign that life continues on in the midst of death, as it alway has done.

@Considerlentils I mean he was an 85 year old man who had been in poor health for a while, people were sad but not stricken. Also I take it you've not been to a large Irish family funeral? Thet are to celebrate a life not just mourn.

It's a cultural thing I think. Grandchildren would always come to an Irish funeral and no-one would give it a second thought.

To me, that's like saying I don't approve of taking young children to petrol stations. Funerals are a normal part of life. Why wouldn't you take them?

Yeah we were never told the heaven thing either. We were told quite matter of factly about how death means the end because people were too ill, old or hurt for their bodies to carry on but we continue to remember and love them.

100% agree with this.

Sounds awful.

There maybe people present truly devastated, stricken

No heaven here either.

I can’t imagine not taking a child to her grandmother’s funeral. Funerals are when the family comes together, and it’s her own grandmother, not a great-great-aunt or distant cousin.

I had a good conversation with my cousin's 5 year old at my uncle's funeral about grandpa had died because he was very ill.and we were sad, but also happy he had had a long and good life and it was lovely that all his friends and family had come together to share stories about how much they all loved him.

Children understand.

Minus the Haribo, this is my experience too; I’m not Irish, but I’m an American Catholic, so there’s probably some cultural overlap when it comes to the norms surrounding funerals. I went to a lot of wakes as a child because my grandparents all had four siblings, minimum, with one having seven and one having eleven. Between them and their spouses, I’d say there was a death about every eighteen months on average. Not traumatic, not a big deal.

You know your child.I went to funerals as a child and mine have been to funerals from the age of 5. We don't do the Heaven thing..so don't know if that is relevant. When I was young I remember being sad that other family members were sad if that makes sense.

You know your child best.
fwfw when FiL died when DD was 6, she and I didn’t attend the actual funeral, we met up with everyone afterwards for the food - she played in the sun in a pretty frock and cheered people up.
when MiL died when she was about 13 she didn’t want to spend 2 days off school to go so she stayed with a schoolfriend so I could go with DH.

Personally I think it's an important part of death, understanding, grief and family. I've always taken my children to family funerals.

You mention what your FIL thinks but not… your partner, your child’s father, son of the deceased.

Id say his view on it is a little important OP?

Six year olds grasp death perfectly well. And are often rather unsentimental about it.

Far too young to go to a funeral just to please your father in law. Your mil won’t know she hasn’t gone.

My six-year-old went to my uncle’s funeral last spring. What is it you think six-year-olds couldn’t understand?

I would take her. It's part of the process of mourning and saying goodbye, and teaches her about honouring dead loved ones.