To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

I do know what triangulated means. It means:

• to divide an area into triangles for surveying purposes
• to form into a triangle or triangles
• (in politics) to position oneself in such a way as to appease both left wing and right wing standpoints

I have no idea what you think you’re forcing it to mean in whatever nonsense you’re spouting.

I think you hope that when you say my reaction is telling, I’m meant to be suddenly impressed by your profound psychological insight and realise the error of my ways. But nope, still not falling for quack psychology 😂

Agreed. The OP's plan is sensible.

This can be the year you stop sending her Christmas cards, unless you have already sent it. If you have then make it the last time. If you haven't then don't.

Well if what they're upset about is that they aren't going to get a break when they need it, or they feel unappreciated or resentful, it might go some way towards acknowledging their situation and helping them out, without having to host her abuser.

Anyway, it's not an obligation. Just an idea if she wants to help her sisters out.

Suggest she goes into a home for respite for them

Yes I'm sure that'll really teach them to stop trying to force contact on the OP...

To help out her sisters.

She's not obliged to. Just, if she wants to do something to help maintain her relationship with her sisters, it's an option.

I think it sounds like going away (hopefully to somewhere nice for yourself) would be the best plan.

Not only will you enjoy it better and be less on edge all the time, it will help to create and enforce a strong boundary. It will reinforce that you mean business and want nothing to do with her.

If your sisters have had enough of caring for your mother and are no longer able or willing then they must contact adult social services, not you. Your mother made her bed by being awful while you were growing up. Now she gets to lie in it.

If you don't know what triangulated means how can you be sure your parent hasn't triangulated you 🤦‍♀️

Your reaction to my post is very very telling

Why though?

Perhaps OP can offer to find and pay for someone to come and sit with their mother on X day (if that would meet her care needs) so the sisters get a break. She still should go away though.

Your pop-psychology would be SO interesting and insightful if it bore any relation to reality and you knew ANYTHING about me 🤨

My parent is not a narcissist.

They have not ’triangulated’ (WTAF do you mean by that) me against my sibling, who I love very much. It is possible to feel resentment and frustration with those we love unless we’re characters in a Disney film.

I’m not a flying monkey because I’m not a character from The Wizard of Oz.

I’ve got no time for those who spout made up pop-psychology shite and then use it to pass judgement online instead of learning how real, complex relationships function in the real world.

It's not that she couldn't cope OP, it's that you wouldn't conform. You were not a bad child, you just didn't conform. And you were unfairly punished for it.

My sister/mum are narcasists and I didnt understand the dynamic until they scapegoated one of my children and favoured the other. My mum also did this with all of her children.

It took me watching how they treated my children to realise it was never about me personally as such. My daughter is a people pleaser and wants everyone to like her, so she conforms to them. ( she was their golden child )

My son is the complete opposite and couldn't be bullied into conforming or bribed, so they scapegoated him like they scapegoated me

I'm NC with my mum cause she's awful. No regrets (almost a whole year 🎉). My sister is low contact because my mum is horrible to her but she is the eldest sibling so has always been conditioned to resolve things and keep the peace. My brother (middle child) is very ignorant to how my mum is and he's her golden child.

My mum's recently gotten her friends to message asking to let her see the kids because my sister refuses to get involved with my choices (she respects what I've done and said if she had kids she'd 100% do the same). Sadly every one has a different experience with a narcissist. But I would use this as your breaking point to finally pull away completely. Message / write to your mum and sisters and explain you are no longer keeping in touch in any capacity with your mum. If your sisters can't respect that, minimal contact with them.

As PP have said, if you do go away your sisters may pull this again? You may have to actually stand your ground if they do dump her on you.

If you want to go away fine, but if you don’t maybe you just need to shut this down by absolutely refusing to let her in 💐

Stop the cards.
Text them both that you do not want your mother near your home.
That you will NOT be at home.
That you refuse to provide ANY care for her.
That you will not have your mother in your home.
That you will involve the police for harassment if they continue.
State clearly that you have no further wish for any contact with your mother due to childhood abuse.

This is your proof to police if they try and involve you.
Go away and stop with the cards.
The cards send a mixed message.

Perhaps call 101 for advice too.
Get a ring door bell that you can access remotely.
Should they try anything you have it on tape.

I understand where you are coming from with this. I used to but out of the big family gatherings by going away to a non christian country like Egypt, Morocco or India, I did this for a few years then it struck me. I was living in another city - there were no smart phones then and none of my family used the internet or knew I had a mobile. They had no way of knowing whether I was at home or not. So I just TOLD them I am off to X country to get away from things.

In your position I would just double down and not nswer the door. Draw the curtains. Get a ring door bell.

I think that poster must have some fanily members who are NC with them as they seem desperate to be on the OP's mums side?

Go and read up on narcasists, triangulation and flying monkeys. OP having a frank discussion will not work against the sisters having spent their whole life being turned against OP. Educate yourself

Just be mindful if they don’t dump her on you sometime over Christmas, they might do so over New Year!

Ah sorry I must have misunderstood what you said when you said 'Its not as simple as 'deciding' to be your parents care taker, she is their mum' what did you mean then?

If you would actually want to go away without this situation then book it. But I think this is a good time to hold strict boundaries otherwise they may end up pulling this kind of thing another time without telling you. Let them know that if they do attempt to then you won’t be answering the door and will be phoning the police/ambulance for her if she is unable to get herself home.

It's impossible to have a healthy relationship with your siblings when your parent is a narcasist. You feel resentful and frustration because your parent has triangulated you against your sibling. Unfortunetly, with you saying you feel resentment and frustration towards your sibling who is NC... you have shown that you are a flying monkey ( flying monkeys often don't know their flying monkeys )

There is another way you could look at this…

This is your chance. Your tipping point.
Book the holiday and enjoy it. Stop the cards and cut contact with your sisters. Write to them and be factual. Tell them that due to past behaviours, you no longer wish to be considered as part of the family in any way. Drop the rope and free yourself from all of them.

Your sisters have handed you a golden opportunity.