To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

Your sisters are emotionally abusing you.

Go away from Christmas.

Block them.

Do not engage with them.

Inheritance is not worth it, and by the sound of it the chances are, you won't get any, either because they will withhold it from you or because your mum will write you out anyway. It will just be used as a way to make you 'behave'.

Go away - you will have a brilliant time and will be out of reach.
I have difficult relationships with family and swore blind after one Xmas 30 years ago I would never do Xmas with them again. I have stuck to this and never, ever regretted it. This black sheep made the right choice.
I also started going away over Xmas, which makes doing this easier (plus it's great being away somewhere warmer), and it can be affordable if you look around. One year, when the guilt trip hinting came on about Xmas plans in October(!), I could honestly say 'I'm going to Ethiopia'.

They probably still cast you as the “bad one”, or “troubled one” and the fact that you won’t help with your elderly mother will even boost this narrative for them . They can’t actually admit to your treatment it as that would bring the whole house of cards down .
Unfortunately elderly-ness is a great disguise and a cover for others to hide behind and deny the past . You are absolutely right to have taken a step back and even though you shouldn’t have to go away at all , I would in case they do show up and you wouldn’t be able to relax anyway ..
My situation isn’t as extreme but had awful things said to me as a child and a lot of weeks of silent treatments over the slightest thing ,clearly not liked really , literally not speaking to me and acting as though I was invisible over the slightest thing from around age 13, some physical abuse too but the emotional stuff was worse .
In my case my mother just can’t be bothered with me at all and never has been since I left home . She has my siblings who she prefers to be around and has time for . I also get judged for not calling around more (I’m never invited and she prefers me gone after 10 mins). It is of course awful but ultimately I had to just take a step away and try and live my life as best I can with my heart a bit broken . It is what it is . Do not get guilted by your sisters , you sound very strong to have gotten through what you have . Peace to you op.

I guess if you stay at home you won’t be able to relax, given the threat?

Haven’t RTFT but suggest you send them an AI (or old) photo of you on a beach, a couple of days beforehand. Hopefully they then won’t bother coming round. If you have a car park it elsewhere.

or even send them a photoshopped / AI flight confirmation

YANBU at all.
It is your sisters decision to have a relationship with your mother. You have made your own decision for very valid reasons not to.
I'd absolutely book to go away, turn off my mobile phone and not feel an ounce of guilt about it. You reap what you sow in life. You can't treat someone like shit and then expect them to want to help out with your care when you need it.

You're being incredibly patronising, and you're right, you didn't do an analysis of their life, you passed a highly derogatory judgment based on a poster saying they totally understand and support their sibling's decision to go no contact but as a human being they occasionally feel frustration at what that means for them (ie increased burden etc).

You really are coming across as the aggressive one, and it's horrid.

"My youngest sister has a new baby and other sister has been unwell this is why they are saying I have to help."

Sounds like they've gone nuclear. But I feel for them as they're probably fed up that you've got a "Get out of Jail" card that they can't invoke.

I think you need to contact them again and say that while you are going to be away over Christmas so can’t help them with your mother, you want to be clear you will never do care for her. So if it looks like your mother needs care and it’s getting too much for them, you are happy for them to investigate care home options or carers in her home if it’s not that bad, you don’t expect an inheritance and are happy for it to all go in care fees, be that carers/cleaners or a care home. But due to the abuse you suffered at her hand you will never do care yourself.

It sounds like your inner child is still seeking approval. Your sisters' behaviour is also bordering on abusive. In your shoes, I would not only go away for the holidays, but I would cut contact with all of them.

Hell yes - even if you have to pay it off in the new year just get yourself gone.
Do not however sign your inheritance away - it will not make up for the way you was treated but you could do something you know she would hate with it.

Was it only you who received childhood abuse?

I would go away. If they leave her on your doorstep, you will be left with the same responsibility any of us would have for a person in distress, which means you would need to at least contact emergency services. Over Christmas and being your mother, getting her turned over will take time.

your sisters are making a choice to be caregivers. They aren’t doing you a favor and there is no implicit share that they are covering for you. Our abusive parents are not owed our care in their old age.

my personal boundary is that I will make phone calls and manage accounts so that hired staff can provide care. I will never be an onsite caregiver myself. I know how I would be treated and I am not going to put myself through that.

I think it would be money well spent. Once you've booked something it'll be a weight off your shoulders. How dare they.

You need to go away for peace of mind. I don’t want to say too much about my own situation as it’s outing but it’s uncannily close to yours. If you don’t go away they will turn up. It’s control and it is out of order when you have made your feelings clear.

I've done this, and I can see why 2 people doing more than they could deal with and going round the twist trying to balance everything would be pissed off that someone who could ease the load wasn't doing. It doesn't mean that OP should do anything.

”It doesn’t” - try consulting a dictionary every now and then 😂

The fact that you are talking about fictional creatures created by L. Frank Baum as if they were real is also very telling. Don’t worry: no fear of you impressing me, so you’re safe!

wrong thread

My mother was not abusive as such but she was an alcoholic and not particularly interested in me. I would say she often found me irritating, and that still stings. She's dead now, and I have been able to make people see how her behaviour affected me.

@NotAbabysitter I think that by putting your foot down firmly, you've got an opportunity here to really reckon with what happened to you and heal a little. I think you're absolutely right to refuse, and ideally you book yourself a lovely break somewhere nice. It might be time to spell out to your sisters calmly and directly why you are not willing to help. Stop with the cards. Stop with the old patterns. Start with the therapy, maybe. The past is painful but the future doesn't have to be.

OP I'd go away for sure in your shoes if you can. You won't relax otherwise.

But you need to make it very very clear you will be providing ZERO care at ANY point (otherwise this will just be shifted to a different date!), and that they need to ask social care to assess her needs if they can't continue it with their own health and family situations.

That is for them to sort and have their own healthy boundaries with her and is separate from you saying no for very reasonable reasons.

People are not obligated to provide care for their abusers!

Whether “it pisses off” the other relatives or not, if they were decent human beings they would understand why their sister wants to be no contact with the mother.

Its always fascinating (and tragic) when one child is singled out in this way. Do you know what was happening in your parents marriage or lives when you were born? Sounds like something got projected onto you. I would ensure I had been crystal clear with the sisters (you probably have, but I would do it once and the keep referring to it going forward);

Dear sisters, for the avoidance of any doubt in future. I have had and will continue to have no meaningful contact with our mother now or at any time going forward.

The reason for this is her abusive treatment of me when we were growing up. I understand that you had a different experience, and I am glad for you that you had good parenting. This in no way excuses or minimizes what happened to me- in fact it makes it worse that I was constantly scapegoated and castigated for being a normal child when she obviously had the wherewithal to be a good parent.

I understand that you both have a lot on at the moment and can understand why this means you would look to share the load of caring for our mother. In any other circumstance if you needed help I would help you. But where mother is concerned, I am not available and never will be.

If you attempt to bring her to my house, or drop her off, I will report this as elder abuse. I hope it does not have to get to this before you can really understand the impact of my childhood treatment has had on me and the boundaries I have had to put in place to protect myself. I love you both, and wish our experiences of our mother were more aligned.

Are you on your own OP? Do you have a husband/partner and children. If you have children why should you take then out of their home?
Don't let this pair dictate to you. If they intend to dump their Mother on your doorstep, report as a safeguarding issue to social services.

@NotAbabysitter you are getting some ridiculous replies here. You do not need to explain what kind of abuse you suffered nor do you need to explain why you and your siblings see things differently. You have chosen to put boundaries in place, no one but you needs to know why or feel if they are justified or not.

You haven’t mentioned if you have family at home or what you are planning Xmas day to see if anyone has other suggestions other than going away.

If this was me, alone and no other plans as yet and I could book to go away I would, just to avoid the drama of it all. Alternatively if I wasn’t in a position to book a trip I would make plans to not be in.

These days I’d probably do what others have said, if they turn up close the curtains and call the police. Or I’d send my DH to the door to tell them where to go as I wouldn’t be driven out of my home by them.

If they are the perfect daughters they can look after their perfect mother. I do find it amusing how the “perfect” mother/daughter relationship isn’t so perfect when they don’t have the scape goat to pile all the shit on.

I second this. Maybe your mum didn't abuse your sisters, or maybe she did but they feel a sense of duty towards her anyway. This doesn't mean you are wrong to feel as you do, but I can see why it majorly pisses your sisters off, if they are running themselves ragged caring for her, and you won't help. If they get as far as dropping her off with someone who they know doesn't want her, she IS effectively abandoned, so calling the police or social services would be the right thing to do, as it would be if you found someone lost and confused in the street. If they can't cope without your help, then they should be calling in other help anyway.