To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

I'm just curious as to why, if your childhood was so abusive, your sisters maintain a good relationship with your mother? Look, you don't have to look after your mother. No one can force you to. However, your sisters clearly need some sort of support right now. My guess is that you would rather your relationship with them break down rather than see your mother. That said, if you do care about your sisters, could you help out in other ways? Perhaps you could do some chores for your sisters to free up some of their time? Perhaps you could pay for some care for your mother for the day? There are plenty of things that you could do to help out indirectly if you wanted to.

No, stand firm.
You will not do anything for her whatsoever.
You're not in the wrong at all.

I’m so sorry, OP - this sounds awfully upsetting. I think you are amazing for having the strength to resist the urge to go completely the other way and spend your life trying to prove your worth. You sound like a very strong person who deserves to find their own happiness.
So what would YOU like to do for Christmas? What would the holiday season look and feel like for you if this wasn’t having over your head? Would you still choose to go away? Who would you spend time with?
Forget everything else, and choose YOUR Christmas x

I don't agree that @NotAbabysitter should take the mother back from whence she came. She needs to raise an elder care concern with the social services department and if her sisters don't like it, tough. It may be the only way that any of them gets what sounds to be a needed break.
If the mother does then appear on the doorstep, phone call to the emergency social care team and/or police because she has been abandoned.
All this sounds heartless and unloving but I've been on the receiving end of parental abuse and neglect growing up. To the extent that I have been extremely mentally unwell as an adult. Going no contact was the only way to create space to begin to heal and for treatment to begin to work for me.
I completely understand @NotAbabysitter position and understand why you feel the need to run so you're not at home if your sisters make good on their threat to abandon the mother on your doorstep. Get a ring doorbell with video card so if they do pull this stunt you have evidence. Make sure you also have it in writing where you have said to both of them that you cannot have her at your home under any circumstances, ever. If they do abandon the mother, you need to be able to defend your position against elderly abuse accusations should it come to it.

Regardless, we can 100 % say that any qualified professional psychologist would not dream of diagnosing anybody on the internet or go anywhere near forcing their pontifications on somebody who is clearly telling you to stop. What is making you or the other poster think this is remotely acceptable? Mind-boggling.

"pop-psychology" - someone is in the FOG. Also you can't dismiss something as pop psychology when you don't even know what it means - Google it FFS - there is many videos and websites explaining triangulation

Confused how they think they can thrust a responsibility they have taken on, on you when they’ve had enough?

Surely the sister with a baby has had 9 months to realised the baby is coming and arrange accordingly if she was planning to use it as a reason to not have her mother over? They sounds awful.

Don’t let them bully you out of your home if you would rather be there. Move car, leave boxes on doorstep like deliveries, pull curtains etc.

Sorry about your childhood with her, it sounds like you are sensible staying away. 🌸

Going away for Christmas would be lovely regardless of your horror of a mother, but don’t do it unless you really want to and can afford it.

If you stay at home and they show up despite being told “no”, don’t answer the door. They can’t exactly force it open and push her inside.

Message them immediately so they have time to make other plans. But that’s the maximum you owe them - a prompt response - nothing else!

I agree with this @NotAbabysitter

This and leave some boxes on the doorstep to look like packages that have been delovered

I wouldn't relinquish any inheritance. Don't sign anything. If you don't personally want the money you could give to your children+if you have any) or a children's charity perhaps.

My DH was totally non contact with his mother (she was awful to him and he finally had enough when we had dc and she started being unkind to them, too) He didn't want to accept the small bequest when she died (just over £10k) but his lovely brother encouraged him to. He gave a fair amount to our DC and kept a small amount back for a rainy day.
His mother's money was split equally between him and his siblings, they however understood how awfully he'd been treated growing up and as an adult.

Nothing has changed between you and your mother, this is entirely predicated on your sisters' circumstances and their own needs... It's a poor reason for you to dismantle your protective boundaries now!

I agree that you should definitely book to go away - then you'll feel easier in your mind, knowing you'll be away and telling the truth.

I know these things can be emotionally upsetting. If you stick to this practical action, it should help. Sending empathy. People who weren't the scapegoated kid don't understand how differently siblings can experience childhood, and how painful this can be. 🤗

try and go away but I would also tell your sisters that whether you are there or not you're not getting involved and they must not bully you into doing something you don't want to do. it's absolutely not up to them.

Maybe go and stay with a friend or several different people. Enjoy and happy Xmas and I hope you have a lovely break. Hugs x

How can you term someone's family member a narcissist/or them a flying monkey etc - when they are a complete stranger, you know nothing about.. that's really strange.

Someone can fully empathise with a sibling that's gone NC with their parent and at the same time still feel burdened by the extra weight that siblings absence causes. It's called being a human.

OP - book yourself somewhere nice - so you don't feel like you're looking over your shoulder the whole time.

I wonder OP if it could be helpful to reframe this in terms of what you want to do, or feel you should do, for your sisters.

They clearly feel an obligation, maybe mainly of love, but also it sounds like a matter of feeling a duty to make sure she is cared for over those days. And clearly they feel overwhelmed.

So I suppose I'd ask, if it was a more neutral person than your mother, would you want to help them. or feel you ought to?

If so, I would suggest saying clearly you are nc, but consider helping them find some other solutions. is there some other place she can go? Could you help your sisters out directly with some other burdens? Something like that.

If you don't want anything to do with any of them, I would reiterate, and maybe going somewhere would be a good plan.

If none of you can do it, cancel Christmas this year. Meal at a restaurant for anyone who wants to go is plenty.

And re AIBU. Of course not. You are an adult. Nobody has the right to decide for you what you are and aren't doing.

If sisters aren't up to it this year, see above.
Stand your ground. Go away for the day if you think they will continue this nonsense.

I do feel for you OP. My M is also deeply unpleasant and it would be the fact that your Sisters won’t even tell you which day that they are going to drop her off that I would find so difficult to deal with.

I would send them both the same message saying that you are sorry that they are finding caring for your DM difficult with everything going on in their lives but due to the abuse suffered by you when you were growing up, you are unable to look after your M at any time.

I hope you do find some peace this Christmas, whatever your plans end up being. As others have said, none of this is your fault. You sound lovely and your behaviour as a child just sounds like normal child behaviour. You didn’t deserve the abuse and you don’t deserve any of this now.

Tell them by text you are not doing and they know why you are not doing it one last time and don't respond to any after that
Do not tell them you are going away because they will turn up some other random day with her
Hopefully they don't realise you have gone away when they arrive and do leave her on your doorstep, the 3 of them can then deal with the consequences of that
If they mention inheritance in the future just laugh and say we all know she's not going to leave me anything

What the fk?

What kind of relationship do you have with your siblings?

Is your mother unwell ?

This must be so hard. I was the only one of six that even bothered visiting my cantankerous mum and resented DBs and DSs hugely. I had my mum come to us every Xmas day for years until one year I told a DB it was his turn. He did pick her up and kept her the whole day. Mum told me the next day that she was given ham sandwiches for lunch, absolutely untrue 🤣🤣🤣. Good luck with whatever you do but have some sympathy for your DSs. I feel sorry for all of you.

OK, let’s apply a little emotional intelligence here. Do you think it could be possible she was doing that because she was responding to your insistent (and persistent) posts about her psychology, while also calling her a flying monkey while not even being able to spell the diagnoses you're bandying about in your overbearing responses?

Go away. Have a great time!
Two years ago we decided on December 15th to just feck off abroad with our kids, and we had the best Christmas ever. Booked absolutely last minute and it was a joy. Did it again last year. Would be doing it this year except work has thrown a curveball. Holiday abroad Christmas is GREAT.
Also I have a mother with NPD (and I'm the family scapegoat) so I get it.

No. They’re not allowed to do that to you. They’re basically continuing the abuse by trying to force it as well. They’re trying to take away your choice to say no. Tell them to fuck off in whatever manner you choose, then explain that you will be contacting the relevant authorities if they attempt to abandon her on your doorstep. You don’t have to put up with any of them.

Why should she? Her mum abused her

@NotAbabysitter

If I were you I'd go away-if only because you said you would and they need to know you mean it.

I think you need to go no contact.

they are not at all sympathetic to you and you don't need that!