To go away at Christmas due to being asked to help with elderly mother

Wow OP please ignore the abuse enablers on this thread.

I would cut them all off your sisters have no empathy for you and their behaviour is appalling.

I don think you should be forced to leave your home, stand firm if they dump her on your doorstep, they may otherwise try this again.

I hope you manage to come to a decision that supports what you want to do.

But they have no right to be “pissed off” they should have empathy for their poor sibling.

Noone is responsible for providing care for their parents if they don't want to do it. You tell your sisters to arrange care through social services or, if funds permit, to book her into a home for respite care.

Why is she allowed to continously post to me but I'm not allowed to reply? It doesn't work like that, if she doesn't want to engage then she should stop replying surely

If I get a notication from someone I'm going to reply. If she doesn't want me to reply then she needs to stop tagging me 🤷‍♀️

You’re projecting. You have no idea why that pp’s sibling is NC or if their parent is a narcissist yet you continue to aggressively badger her and effectively accuse her of being complicit in abuse. She said she loves and supports her sibling but as a human, sometimes feels frustrated and resentful at having to bear the extra burden. Can you really not understand the nuance and complexities of that dynamic?

OP, definitely go away over Christmas and tell your sisters in no uncertain terms that you will not be bullied into providing care for your mum.

If there’s a risk of them driving to yours and dumping her on your doorstep then yes, absolutely go away for Christmas if that’s what you’re happy doing. The alternative would be to just ignore them knocking, they can’t force their way into your home.

Flying monkeys are real 😅 it's a well known term for people with toxic families. I suspect your no contact sibling knows the terminology

Because OP and her sisters had two different mothers, even though each mother was the same person. Her sisters had a loving mother and OP had an abusive one. Their mother brought OP's two sisters up to despise and reject their own sister and to believe that their mum's abusive treatment of their older sister was justified.

OP owes her mother nothing and she owes her sisters nothing.

It’s awful that you are being out in this position if you don’t want to go away, but I think it will be the only way you don’t spend three days on edge. I hope you have a lovely Christmas.

This

It'll be less stressful to go away but ultimately you don't have any obligation to help somebody that was complicit in your abuse (assuming that was the case) and if your sisters can't respect that then they need to be told. If they won't respect it then I'd seriously be considering whether I wanted them in my life either.

Stop the cards.

Send your sisters a formal email / letter setting out clearly exactly what was done to you.

Inform them that as children they had the best of her.

Now it's their turn to deal with the worst of her.

And that what you suffered at her hands means that you will have nothing more to do with her, for your own wellbeing and mental health.

And that this means you will not be taking any part in dealing with her over Christmas.

It does sound like you'll be best going away, in case of a dump and run. Shame they're stressed but between them they can deal with this.

I think you are going to have to go away. Otherwise you won’t be able to relax.

Your sisters don’t sound like they want much to do with your mother either. Who would dump their mother on the door step of someone who has been non contact? They seem to be just taking her out of a sense of duty. You ate absolutely correct to be non contact but I wonder is their a perspective from your sisters that you aren’t seeing? It sounds like you could do with having a non confrontational, calm chat where you hear their perspective and outline that you will never be able to assist them with your mother because of what happened to you as a child.

Does your mother actually need looking after or is it your sisters who think you should 'do your bit'? Hardly matters really...I agree with other posters, now is the time to be clear that you will not be having your mother over at any time. You don't need to go away. Otherwise you'll be in the same situation next year.

It sounds ridiculous that you're going to have to flee your home for a minimum of 3 days around the holidays because your sisters who 100% know that you are practically no contact with your mother have decided they're literally going to dump her on your doorstep one of the days over the holidays and you don't even know when, and it's not even a matter of knocking on the door and calling you and then going back home, they're literally going to leave her there, which is so ridiculous it sounds like something out of a poorly written sitcom.
I would say that if it's at all possible for you, (hopefully you don't have any pets) then yeah, tell your sisters you're not going to be there, and then don't be there. Which will be nice for you, it'll be nice for you to get away, I mean it sucks to have to literally flee your home, you wouldn't have chosen to otherwise, but try to make a good time out of it for yourself.

And, in the future, if you're ever thinking about moving, 100% don't tell your family where you're going. Because then this won't happen again.

Could you tell them you appreciate their circumstances are really challenging, but you are “not an option and never will be”.

“I have no contact beyond cards for years and it has to stay that way for my own sanity. Even the thought of it has put me into a panic”.

Then, if you can, pick somewhere that will be a treat to go and book up as soon as possible so it’s not in the back of your mind any longer, even as a possibility.

What happens to your mum all the other days of the year? Surely if she can manage then she can manage on the 1 day they want you to have her.

NotAbabysitter I'm so sorry you had such a terrible life with your mother.

Your sisters will never understand this. Your experience of that women is so far removed from theirs, they won't easily empathise. They don't see any of this in her. Their mother is an inconvenience who needs farmed out for Christmas. Your mother was a vile cunt who deserves to be dumped on your driveway while you're having a lovely Christmas elsewhere.

Stay strong OP, you owe her nothing. ❤

You don’t have to run away to make others to respect your decisions. Tell your sisters to never contact you again and if they’ll leave your mother at your doorstep you’ll drive her back and drop her at their doorstep

Personally I wouldn't go away, they'll continue to pull things like this.
They know how you feel, make it clear you won't be taking her and if they drop her and go you'll call the police to collect her

OP my concern is that if your other is left on your doorstep while you are in the house refusing her entry and the police are called, that she will be treated as a vulnerable person and you will charged with elder abuse, no matter how unjust that may be. I doubt that it would actually get to court but it would be a very unpleasant situation. At Christmas people can become quite emotional, the police and social services will be understaffed and very busy and may lack the ability to provide appropriate alternative care so the pressure would be put on you. For these reasons I think a short break away from home is the best solution for you.
Good luck

And mine.
Keep your powder dry OP

I think your sisters are also abusive to you. They have no right to break the boundaries put in place re: your mother.

Do you have a partner and/or DCs that you’ll be spending Christmas with? Are they happy to go away? If so, or equally if you’re on your own, go for it. Or could you maybe go to ILs or to friends?

Yes go away if you can OP. I don’t think your sisters can expect you to share in providing care for your mother but you may have to go no contact with all of them to shut this down. I bet their relationship with her is unhealthy in some way. Otherwise they would show empathy and compassion for you and unless she is genuinely incapacitated they could leave her alone on one of the days. It’s telling that they don’t/can’t.

I'm just curious as to why, if your childhood was so abusive, your sisters maintain a good relationship with your mother?

Are people really this ignorant?

Everything from favouritism to the golden child/scapegoat dynamic to sisters being more incentivised or inclined to overlook abuse if they suffered it (one child not being prepared to sit and take it is often incentive enough; some people need parental approval more than others and playing off the "bad" child can get you extra points) to not wanting to accept that the parent was abusive.

Can't believe it needs explaining.

However, if you are so curious, you could try reading OP's posts. She explains it. Your curiosity can be satisfied.