AIBU for telling my son's dad he can have our son on Christmas Eve day but not Christmas morning.

It depends on how it’s framed. If you’re dropping tons of hints that guilt them into a particular decision then it’s not the same as letting them actually be honest.

My DC are comfortable enough to be honest, it’s always been drummed in that if they are happy then I am happy and that grown ups manage their own feelings. Neither parent is alone on Xmas day, we both have families and will fit celebrating around what they want. Never had a big sit down conversation about it with pressure on, just a passing comment of have a think and let me know.

Anyone withholding contact based on child maintenance is not putting the child first IMO. My ex never paid properly, but that is not DCs problem or something they should even know about. If DC want the contact, they should absolutely have it.

What is the relevance of what you done? The OP hasn't prevented her son from seeing his dad at any point. They don't have a relationship where he goes to him at Christmas. The dad is using the child and that's not on.

Sorry but kids aren’t to be parceled up as rewards for parenting. He still has a relationship with both parents and he still does see his dad. What’s wrong with his dad having him for half the day. It’s his son too.
My exh barely gives me maintenance and I last received a payment 9 months ago, however I’m not going to be one of those mums who says oh no I do more than you so I get every Christmas Day. I look at it that my child will never be able to say to me I prevented her seeing her dad and it’s what makes her happy.
Last year my dd went to her dads Xmas eve, he returned her at lunchtime Xmas day, the most important thing was my dd was happy and got to spend some of Christmas Day with both of us. Me, I just had a lie in, a nice bath, got our dinner ready and looked forward to seeing her. We still had a lovely time together despite it being half the day.
Too many parents do this and it’s about their issues with their exes and not about what would make the kids happy.

He should pay maintenance? Its not exactly a hassle , its a phone call ? And as you said he has spare cash ! Also, maintenance is not linked to contact - the amount you get is - obs 😀

Yep. I was about 8 when I was put in that position and it was horrible. I opted to stay with my mum and my brother went with my dad. My dad didn't return my brother when he was supposed to. It was horrible and to echo what I said earlier, he wasn't involved enough as a parent to have any right to do it. My mum was a dick also in a different way in that particular situation and ultimately neither of them should have put young children in that position. Its never, ever left me.

I think I'd offer the dad to have him from Christmas Day at 12pm. You have Christmas Eve and the morning with him.
I'd worry that he would just refuse to hand him back on Christmas Eve.

I'm sorry op. He shouldn't get to turn up when it suits him and pick the best bits for himself. It's not fair.

I think swapping Christmas Eve and Day might be the least stressful option all round this year.

No, he'll no. He doesn't do any of the hard bits he doesn't get to pick the best bits.

THIS. I cannot believe he's making so tiny a contribution to his son's upbringing.

Never mind Christmas. I can’t get passed the fact he doesn’t pay you maintenance. Why on earth are you worried about what a selfish neglectful fool of man wants?!

Absolutely not I hate these dead beats that do fuck all all year round and then turn up on Christmas and birthdays with a pair of trainers and a tracksuit so they can take picture for socials. Defo just show for his new girlfriend.

I’m lucky I honestly couldn’t imagine my kids dad going more than a few days without seeing them!!

Do whatever you want to do. If I was you I’d say fuck off your not having him at all but I’m mean

Sounds like he’s been let get away with his half arsed parenting for too long OP!!

It depends on the child though. Some will feel absolutely torn by being put in the position of having to choose, and will find it stressful having to make a choice between parents.

Has dad’s new gf got children? I find that men, previously un-interested, generally try to impress on new gf’s what a super involved parent they are, especially if new gf has children herself. Tbh, I’d compromise a little, and suggest instead of having your ds on xmas eve, that he picks him up from yours Christmas Day evening and then keeps him Boxing Day?

Even if your DS wanted to go I would be reluctant. Obviously because he’s a deadbeat Dad doing the bare minimum so doesn’t deserve the privilege. But also because he is highly unlikely to make Christmas morning as magical and special as an 8 year old deserves. Your DS won’t realize this of course and will be in for a big disappointment.

This will be about what the new girlfriend wants. I respect you for your stance to date, making a bad situation into the best it can be for your boy, but the time has come to set some new boundaries I think.

He's getting away with a hell of a lot here and it is (very understandably) breeding resentment. This situation re Christmas feels like the straw that has broken the camel's back.

Regardless of whatever you decide about Christmas, his maintenance and access needs to be properly formalised and agreed.

Your child deserves the maintenance money, and to have access properly agreed - both of these things are not for you, they're for the benefit of your child - I'm saying this in the hope that it helps you to consider what to do next.

Good luck!

Christmas is really about children. What does your son want? What you or ex think is not really important.

Is this a new girlfriend that ex is trying to impress, or the gF who visited last year?

I always asked DC what THEY wanted to do for Christmas. I would give lots of options, stay at home/dads Xmas eve, come home morning/afternoon/evening/boxing day, dinner with mum/dad. The only thing I would say was that they should see both parents, but could do that however they wanted. I don’t get how these “parents” who don’t show up for the day to day lives of their kids expect them to fit a round what they want for holidays. If you don’t show up, don’t expect your kids to want to either.

My ex did the bare minimum and would throw tantrums because DC wanted to wake up in the house they viewed as home, go to dad’s for a few hours and then come home in time for dinner.

Unless your DS really wants to spend the night there, YANBU at all. And even if he does really want to, there are a bunch of circumstances that mean it could still be reasonable to say no.

Good point.

She’s offered for him to come to her as he has done in past years.

It sounds like you are a great mum for so many reasons mentioned in your post. Your son is lucky to have you.

It very much looks like your ex is trying to show his gf that he's not the deadbeat dad he actually is.

Stick to your usually arrangements and if he was to stand up and be there properly for his son, financially and otherwise, you can change things over time but right not his half assed effort doesn't allow him to dictate terms.

I agree.

All that matters is how your son will feel on Christmas morning.

If he is used to staying in the place your ex proposes he stays on Christmas Eve and can express a fully informed opinion, based on these experiences, that he would like to wake up there on Christmas morning then you really ought to support that.

From what you've said already, I think it's unlikely that he's used to staying there and wouldn't feel at home. If that's the case, it's your job to protect him and make sure that he's in a place where he feels comfortable, relaxed and loved on Christmas morning, i.e. at home with you.

Try to change the focus of your thinking from what his dad has earned to what is best for your DS. Once you've done that, the answer to how you should handle it will be obvious.

If you decide he's coming back to you on Christmas Eve, do you have a strategy to prevent your ex from just refusing to hand him over?

Sorry OP but I think you’re under-reacting to how crap he is.

He sounds like a total deadbeat and I’d be keeping contact to the bare minimum because his attitude and approach to fatherhood is so poor.

He has shown you - and your son - who he is for years now. Prioritising his time and money for himself and moving in to cocklodge with the first stupid woman who lets him.

So stand firm on Christmas Day, protect your son and claim the CMS your child deserves - you have nothing to lose.

Hard to say, there are two sides to every story.

you seem at pains to stress how amicable your break-up was, and how well you get on together, then spent the rest of your post trying to paint your ex in the worst light possible.

bottom line is I don’t think this is about what you or your ex wants; your implication is your son is not a younger child (I’m assuming 10+) and, as such, is old enough to decide what he would like. So I would find out his preference, and then make a decision and a plan between the three of you.