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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU for telling my son's dad he can have our son on Christmas Eve day but not Christmas morning.

110 replies

NattyRedWriter · 30/11/2025 13:37

So just to clarify before I start, me and my son's dad have a reasonably amicable relationship and have done since we split 5 years ago. We parted on mutual amicable terms and make arrangements for our son between us.

He sees our son about once a fortnight- through his choice- and I am happy to accommodate the days that work for him, because up until recently he was working weekends and didn't have set hours. As long as it doesn't affect our son's football matches for that weekend as this is our son's favourite thing and we both know this and wouldn't want his matches affected. I drop him off and pick DS up because he doesn't drive.

He doesn't pay maintenance but does pay for half of our son's clubs- as well as football our son does 2 other clubs and goes to afterschool clubs twice a week due to work commitments. He tends to pay this half way through the term which is slightly frustrating because I need to pay upfront at the start of the term but to be honest I know he'll pay eventually so I don't see the point in causing an issue for the sakes of a few weeks! He doesn't pay for maintenance/ food/ clothes etc but tbh I don't struggle and would rather just get on with it than create what could become an issue. It's a bit frustrating because he smokes a lot and goes out quite a lot but tbh I don't want the hassle!

He worked away for a bit abroad for 3-4 months at a time so doesn't have his own accommodation any more. He has lived between his parents and now his new girlfriends houses for the last 18 months. His parents aren't trusted around our son unsupervised so whilst our son goes there under his dad's supervision he wouldn't be left unsupervised or stay overnight there.

What I find quite frustrating is that he doesn't turn up to any football/ swimming/ school events for our son- even though up until a few weeks ago he was literally living 300m away from the leisure centre/ playing fields! Doesn't take our son to school, pick him up or take him to any club/matches and can't even be bothered to turn up to parents evening, despite currently not working. Doesn't help at all with arranging childcare for school holidays but rather tells me he only gets his rota weekly so doesn't know in advance- assuming I'll sort it!

I feel that it's his loss because he's missing out on seeing our son grow and do the things he loves but equally it's me that gets the frustration of our son when he's not turned up to something yet again!

Anyway my real frustration and the reason for this post is that today my son has gone to his dad's- he turned up 5 minutes before the end of his hour long football match to pick him up!- and then asked the arrangements for Christmas. For the last 3-4 years our son has seen his dad on Christmas eve day and I've picked him up in the evening and he's been with me Christmas Day. His dad is always welcome to pop round on Christmas Day if he wants and has done the last couple of years with his last girlfriend. It's always been quite pleasant and I felt good for our son to see his parents and step parents all get along together.

I assumed this would happen again this year and said to him this when he asked... he then replied yes I can have him xmas eve and I'll drop him over xmas morning/ after lunch. I swiftly said no to this! I felt quite frankly fuming that he has the audacity to think he can have our son at his new girlfriends house on Christmas morning when he doesn't both on any other morning of the year! I feel that I do everything for out son - which I'm not complaining about- but I do feel the least I deserve is to get xmas morning- the one day of the year to be able to share presents and be together and share the magic (he's 8 and already shared doubts about santa so I'm expecting this to be his last xmas believing) etc.

I can't help but feel really fuming but also AIBU for saying no to my son being at his dad's for Christmas morning when I do everything all year around and his dad just pops up when he feels like it?

OP posts:
CrazyGoatLady · 01/12/2025 08:14

I voted YABU because really your son should get a say in whether he spends some time with his dad on Christmas morning. It's nice that you've been able to get on well enough for him to visit with his gf, but inevitably they will over time want to establish their own traditions.

He does sound a bit of a fun times only dad, not up for the harder bits of parenting, which is a shame, and yes he should be stepping up more. But my question is, would withholding this time at Christmas be in your son's best interests, or would you be withholding it because you want to punish him for his lack of practical involvement/financial help? If the former, like you have a concern about your son's safety or wellbeing staying with him, then that's fair. If the latter, that's about your feelings, not your son's interests, and you would be unreasonable to use contact with a child to punish the other parent. Most separated parents do alternate Christmases. If you do agree this year it would be fair for you to have Christmas morning next year.

99bottlesofkombucha · 01/12/2025 08:13

thepariscrimefiles · 30/11/2025 13:54

So he choose to see his son once a fortnight, pays no maintenance, doesn't bother with parents' evenings, doesn't help with childcare during the school holidays but is expecting to have him on Christmas Eve night and Christmas Day, including Christmas lunch? Absolutely not! He has actively chosen not be be an equal parent to your son so cann't expect to be treated as one when it comes to special occasions.

Another one saying this. My reply would be ‘ds can see you on Christmas Eve and I’ll collect him at <usual time>, I won’t be changing the usual Christmas Day plans with ds at mine. We should discuss maintenance payments at some point, you are his parent and should be part of supporting him. The other thing most separated parents do is share holiday time, I assume this Christmas request indicates you are willing to step up a bit in the dad department. Why don’t you start with 5 days in the period before school goes back?

He just wants to look like a good dad for the girlfriend, this isn’t about your ds. so my response would make it really clear that if he wants to try and take the best bits I’d stop enabling him with being such a shit dad.

OhamIreally · 01/12/2025 08:06

I think people forget that in large part having children is a selfish act. We have them because we want them. We imagine the happy times and we put in the hard yards and as per PP days like Christmas are the reward.
I do put my child first but there’s no need to be an absolute martyr and think OP’s happiness counts for nothing here.

My ex left when DD was young and moved 400 miles away, opting to be a “high days and holidays” bare minimum dad. I’ve made my peace with it now but one thing I have never shifted on is Christmas. I get Christmas and he gets New Year.

GoldMerchant · 30/11/2025 19:32

Your ex is doing the absolute bare minimum here - if that - so I can see why you're upset. I can also see why you think you deserve Xmas morning (I think you do, too), and you ex does have some cheek to ask for it.

But the problem is that I think you've rationalised the set up you have as a kind of arrangement, in which you don't demand from your ex what are his rightful obligations to your child (regular contact, maintenance), and you get all/the majority the parenting highlights as well as the daily grind. But that's not an agreement that you've actually ever made between the two of you, and your ex may not see the trade off in the same way you do, and now that's causing an issue.

I think you should go with what your DS wants this year. And then in Feb, you approach your ex about formalising your co-parenting with an agreement for maintenance, regular contact, and arrangements for holidays.

Ripplemoment · 30/11/2025 19:07

Yanbu.
He's a BMD, bare minimum Dad and a CF to boot.

thepariscrimefiles · 30/11/2025 19:03

Bushwoolie · 30/11/2025 18:45

You can't say you're frustrated he doesn't put the effort in and then refuse him when he's offering it!

Let him experience Christmas morning with his son. You've had him plenty of Christmas'.

I say this as a mum of a child who spends alternate Christmas' with his dad.

Having his son on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day isn't him putting the effort in. That would be having his son regularly overnight, paying maintenance and being a proper reliable fatherly presence in his life, none of which he does. Christmas Eve and Christmas Day are the best bits of parenting, the reward for OP doing the hard daily slog of bringing up a child on her own. He doesn't just get to swoop in and take this from OP without any discussion.

amylou8 · 30/11/2025 18:57

Mine are adults now, but I was was in a very similar situation to you. Ex would see them regularly but when it suited him. We were very amicable but I always felt I did 90% of the parenting and 100% of the drudge.
One thing I never ever budged on was Christmas morning they were with me. He could have them Christmas eve, boxing day, Christmas afternoon. He could come over and see them at any point. But they woke up on Christmas day with me. Had we had a more even split on the parenting then that would have transferred over to Christmas as well.

Bushwoolie · 30/11/2025 18:45

You can't say you're frustrated he doesn't put the effort in and then refuse him when he's offering it!

Let him experience Christmas morning with his son. You've had him plenty of Christmas'.

I say this as a mum of a child who spends alternate Christmas' with his dad.

Tryingatleast · 30/11/2025 18:44

Yanbu but I’d still talk it out with your son, he hasn’t got to do Christmas morning with his dad in years and he may have brought it up but be trying to spare your feelings

Hedgehogbrown · 30/11/2025 18:42

ButtonMoonMrsSpoon · 30/11/2025 17:35

Sorry but kids aren’t to be parceled up as rewards for parenting. He still has a relationship with both parents and he still does see his dad. What’s wrong with his dad having him for half the day. It’s his son too.
My exh barely gives me maintenance and I last received a payment 9 months ago, however I’m not going to be one of those mums who says oh no I do more than you so I get every Christmas Day. I look at it that my child will never be able to say to me I prevented her seeing her dad and it’s what makes her happy.
Last year my dd went to her dads Xmas eve, he returned her at lunchtime Xmas day, the most important thing was my dd was happy and got to spend some of Christmas Day with both of us. Me, I just had a lie in, a nice bath, got our dinner ready and looked forward to seeing her. We still had a lovely time together despite it being half the day.
Too many parents do this and it’s about their issues with their exes and not about what would make the kids happy.

I really doubt being shipped around is what makes the kids happy. You say kids shouldn't be treated as a reward on Christmas day, we hr Father should understand this and back off until boxing day. Letting him get away with shit parenting and covering for his shit parenting to your daughter is not the win you think it is. She will think women have to put up with bare minimum from men as it's all they are capable of, when that's not true.

lunar1 · 30/11/2025 18:41

Does he ever have over night on these visits? I doubt your son wants to spend Christmas even in a random bed

Vivi0 · 30/11/2025 18:34

Hedgehogbrown · 30/11/2025 18:28

Everyone saying he deserves to see his son on Christmas day. Why? He is not a present to share around and validate people. He is a child and Christmas should be at home with his Mother who is his primary carer. How many of you saying YABU actually had to be away from your Mother on Christmas Day as a child? In the 80s and 90s we saw my Dad on boxing day and it was fine. Children are not there the validate deadbeat Dads.

The OP would also need to do the dropping off/picking up of her son to enable him to spend the time with his father because he doesn’t drive and doesn’t appear to be motivated enough/capable of organising this on his own.

Hedgehogbrown · 30/11/2025 18:28

Everyone saying he deserves to see his son on Christmas day. Why? He is not a present to share around and validate people. He is a child and Christmas should be at home with his Mother who is his primary carer. How many of you saying YABU actually had to be away from your Mother on Christmas Day as a child? In the 80s and 90s we saw my Dad on boxing day and it was fine. Children are not there the validate deadbeat Dads.

Hedgehogbrown · 30/11/2025 18:24

SheWantsToBeMe · 30/11/2025 13:44

So what time on Christmas Day are you suggesting he sees son then?

Edited

She said he can pop round to her house any time. Deadbeat Dads don't automatically get to have their kids on Christmas Day. That would be a shit Christmas for a kid.

Coconutter24 · 30/11/2025 18:22

How old is your son? Is he old enough to ask what he would like to do?

Nowheretobeseen · 30/11/2025 18:16

As someone who was in a similar situation (as the child) ask your DS what he would like and maybe start there.

I do agree you should get the maintenance aspect sorted in the long term.

QuietLifeNoDrama · 30/11/2025 18:07

TidyDancer · 30/11/2025 13:41

What does your DS want? I would start with this when trying to figure out what’s best rather than what you feel you both deserve.

This! I had to vote YABU because all of your post is about who deserves to spend xmas with your son based on what input they have the rest of the year. I can’t imagine how frustrating it must be for you co parenting like this but you haven't actually mentioned what your son wants. I think you should ask him first and be prepared for things to change in the future as you DS gets older. Christmas has been your way for 5 years it’s unrealistic to expect it to stay that way forever.

Wynter25 · 30/11/2025 18:00

Cherrysoup · 30/11/2025 14:29

I’m going to assume your ds would rather wake up at home with all his stuff around him. Dead beat dad can shove off, frankly.

This

NigelForage · 30/11/2025 17:59

U0KHun · 30/11/2025 17:56

When he pays maintenance, he gets to have a day.
Why do you let him get away with it? Oh this, oh that! He's a deadbeat dad! If there were no clubs to pay for, he wouldn't pay anything!

Please don't link access to children to payments. That's not how the law works anyway.

U0KHun · 30/11/2025 17:56

When he pays maintenance, he gets to have a day.
Why do you let him get away with it? Oh this, oh that! He's a deadbeat dad! If there were no clubs to pay for, he wouldn't pay anything!

NigelForage · 30/11/2025 17:54

Number one. He should pay proper maintenance.

Number two having him for Christmas seems reasonable because he hasn't for many years.
Number three don't link the sport thing to Christmas

Carycach4 · 30/11/2025 17:49

What does your son want?

Owly11 · 30/11/2025 17:46

These are all separate issues. It sounds like you have made an implicit agreement (not involving your ex) that you will do everything and therefore be in control. But it doesn't work like that. He should pay maintenance and do more and you should share xmas fairly. Ask your son what he wants.

viques · 30/11/2025 17:45

Alittlefrustrated · 30/11/2025 16:19

Is this a new girlfriend that ex is trying to impress, or the gF who visited last year?

I wondered this. I am seeing insta pictures of the “ my little family on Christmas Morning”, with all her friends telling her how amazing she is…….

Vivi0 · 30/11/2025 17:42

Too many parents do this and it’s about their issues with their exes and not about what would make the kids happy.

@ButtonMoonMrsSpoon Completely disagree.

What would make the kids happy is having a father who wants to be involved in their life, makes the effort to do so and actually shows up for them.

Allowing your child to chase after a parent like the one the OP has described does nothing but set them up for a lifetime of heartache and disappointment when they finally get to see for themselves how disinterested the other parent is.