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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To let DH have whole day in bed ...

61 replies

wonder456 · 30/11/2025 13:19

...when hungover? I had both kids from lunchtime yesterday and took them overnight to grandmas for us to stay ..kept them out away from home so DH could rest.. just got home and asked if I could have some downtime this afternoon but DH says he's still not feeling good and can't help out this afternoon.. I feel it's a bit unfair AIBU?

OP posts:
Thisisnotmyid · 30/11/2025 14:57

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/11/2025 13:55

The question is would he give her a few days to recover? Would he be amenable to her having a massive night out in the first place?

I hope OP comes back and lets us know. My guess is that if he considers parenting his own children to be ‘helping out’, the answer to the above questions is ‘no’.

And if OP comes back and says it’s a one off thing and he generally lets her have the longer sleeps on the weekends but she was just having a rough day today and felt like a moan what then? Without a proper OP ( or the usual drip feeding) it’s hard to give an honest opinion and assuming just makes everyone look like an ass.

Thisisnotmyid · 30/11/2025 14:52

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/11/2025 14:34

But someone who is regularly drinking themselves into a state where they can’t function for the whole of the next day isn’t capable of “teamwork”.

Which is why I think it all comes down to the frequency. If this happens once a year its fair: I would let it go. If it’s happening once a month its a pisstake. If you are opting out of weekend parenting duties regularly because you don’t know when to stop you’re not a parent, just a drain on the family.

Did you read my whole post or just decide to start yours with an argumentative approach? Neither my post nor the OP’s mentioned anything about this being a regular thing.

Vaxtable · 30/11/2025 14:35

Sorry but tough. Go out and leave the kids with him

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/11/2025 14:34

Thisisnotmyid · 30/11/2025 13:52

So many horrible replies on here. If he does it on a regular basis then I wouldn’t be leaving the kids but I wouldn’t be making the house comfortable. If it’s a one off/blue moon situation then where’s the harm in letting him rest? Marriage and parenting is supposed to be about teamwork. If the shoes were on the other foot would you like him to give you a days rest to recover?

But someone who is regularly drinking themselves into a state where they can’t function for the whole of the next day isn’t capable of “teamwork”.

Which is why I think it all comes down to the frequency. If this happens once a year its fair: I would let it go. If it’s happening once a month its a pisstake. If you are opting out of weekend parenting duties regularly because you don’t know when to stop you’re not a parent, just a drain on the family.

HappyMeal564 · 30/11/2025 14:25

As long as it works both ways I think it's fine

HatAndScarf33 · 30/11/2025 14:22

It depends how often something like this happens. If it’s a rarity, I’d try and give a bit of grace and just take on the extra as a one off. If he does it on the regular though, I’d be far less inclined and would be tempted to just announce I’m having some time to myself and he needs to suck it up and look after the kids.

Imanexcellentdrivercharliebabbit · 30/11/2025 14:16

Seems common these days, night out and a day to recover. My DD and SIL take it in turns to have nights out like this and the following day ‘off’
(I stopped having the kids overnight for this reason when they both went out- as they didn’t want kids dropped back until following day night time -fed n showered !in PJs !! Err no chance lol )

LumpyandBumps · 30/11/2025 14:15

My kids are grown up now, but I remember having to have a chat with DH about nights out.
In theory we had a roughly equal number each, but mine were for a few hours after I’d put the kids to bed, and whilst I might have had a couple of glasses of wine I’d be fully capable of doing/ sharing any night waking.
His crept up from a whole evening where he would come back perfectly happy and sociable, but unable to stay awake, to leaving at midday, returning late evening and being hungover for much of the next day.
He agreed that it wasn’t reasonable to be hungover next day from a normal night out. I was ok with it happening occasionally for a special night, and keeping the kids away from him, and he would then take the kids out for a few hours the following week to give me some time to myself.

2old4thispoo · 30/11/2025 14:07

Is this unusual for your DH to be so hungover, that he can't t function the next day?

StruggleFlourish · 30/11/2025 14:07

If you take the kids away, provide a quiet environment for him, make sure he's got water and an aspirin, a bucket if needed, some plain toast or crackers etc, let him detox and rest, then you are a very kind sensitive and supportive partner.

Being hungover is a self-inflicted wound. Nobody holds you down and pours the drinks down your throat, it's an illness that you bring on yourself. I provide far less sympathetic care for hangovers than I do for other illnesses, as one should completely know better, but that doesn't mean the person isn't physically suffering at this time and could use the help.

I think the question is, how often does this happen? Does he get hungover and demand 24 hours in bed once a week, couple of times a year, or has this almost never happened before? Because if it's an incredibly rare occurrence, I would say be the support of partner, give him the care he needs as he's feeling crummy, and later when he's feeling better, state plainly that you don't want this to happen again. If he doesn't drink that often, if this almost never happens, then you probably won't have to worry about it.
If this happens frequently, like after most parties or several times a year, then you've got a husband with a drinking problem.

Fun fact, it's good to know what a standard sized drink looks like (beer at 5%, wine at 12% and spirits at 40%... What the size of a standard drink is because it's the same the world over) And even though every person is slightly different, how big they are, how experienced they are, how old they are, and other physical parameters that might define how they handle alcohol, for the most part, most biological males can have two standard drinks in 1 hour and biological females can have one standard drink in 1 hour, and they can stay below the illegal blood alcohol concentration.
If exceeded, that's when you're going to go beyond what your body is able to process in an hour, and that's when you're going to get toxic levels and that's when you're going to get hangover.

Livpool · 30/11/2025 14:06

The ‘helping out’ comment would annoy me more than anything else

Euphesia · 30/11/2025 14:06

Luckyingame · 30/11/2025 13:25

This. He cannot "perform" well with kids and household if hungover.

He's a parent, if he's under the weather and it's self inflicted hard cheese. Not once has DH pulled a stunt like that or my father come to that.

I'd have given him leeway if it was the once a year office night out at Christmas but all day? I think not.

2024TN · 30/11/2025 14:02

I don’t agree that he’s “helping out” by being in sole charge of his own kids, and if this is his normal attitude to family life then you have bigger issues to worry about.

regarding today specifically, my answers would depend on whether it’s a one off/ very rare occurrence or a regular thing, and whether you also get the opportunity to have a weekend “off” from time to time. It’s not OK for you to always bee seen as the default parent, but if in your relationship you usually “tag team” to allow both parents equal-ish time and opportunities to do other things I’d let him have today.

TheChosenTwo · 30/11/2025 13:58

Both dh and I have done this for each other before.
hes better with a hangover than i am though which is why ive basically cut out drinking alcohol. Not fully but just occasionally now. I just can’t stand wasting my precious weekends in bed.
If he’s got a hangover he’s most likely to get up, force himself into a shower and go for a walk to blow away the cobwebs- it’s about twice a year for him!
So in our relationship this would be acceptable because it’s rare and because we support each other. And because sometimes we all just need/fancy a duvet day in bed and contrary to how other people feel I don’t think that having children means you can’t still have that. Not every weekend of course but every now and again and it does need to be fair in that both people pick up the slack when the other needs them to.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 30/11/2025 13:58

LardoBurrows · 30/11/2025 13:42

Send the kids into his bedroom now - with toy drum, trumpet, large spoon and saucepan and tell them to make as much noise as their little hearts desire, tell them it's to "help" Daddy wake up. Useless, selfish fecker that he is.

You've been far more accommodating than he deserves, time for him to be reminded that he chose to have children so now he has to actually parent those children, hangover or not.

Jesus Christ.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/11/2025 13:56

Crikeyalmighty · 30/11/2025 13:44

Yes that’s what would piss me off , so many blokes do see managing and looking after kids as totally woman’s work and an optional extra for them

Yup. The general attitude is quite gross.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/11/2025 13:55

Thisisnotmyid · 30/11/2025 13:52

So many horrible replies on here. If he does it on a regular basis then I wouldn’t be leaving the kids but I wouldn’t be making the house comfortable. If it’s a one off/blue moon situation then where’s the harm in letting him rest? Marriage and parenting is supposed to be about teamwork. If the shoes were on the other foot would you like him to give you a days rest to recover?

The question is would he give her a few days to recover? Would he be amenable to her having a massive night out in the first place?

I hope OP comes back and lets us know. My guess is that if he considers parenting his own children to be ‘helping out’, the answer to the above questions is ‘no’.

Thepeopleversuswork · 30/11/2025 13:55

If its a rare event, a close mate’s birthday for example, possibly.

If he’s doing it just because then don’t pander to it. Parenthood means you show up and don’t get to opt out.

How often does he do it?

Thisisnotmyid · 30/11/2025 13:52

So many horrible replies on here. If he does it on a regular basis then I wouldn’t be leaving the kids but I wouldn’t be making the house comfortable. If it’s a one off/blue moon situation then where’s the harm in letting him rest? Marriage and parenting is supposed to be about teamwork. If the shoes were on the other foot would you like him to give you a days rest to recover?

UtterlyOtterly · 30/11/2025 13:52

Since when has parenting your own children been called "helping out"?

Nickyknackered · 30/11/2025 13:50

So many people live in a tit for tat marriage. What happened to just being nice to the person you supposedly love? I would do this for DH and he would do it for me. Equal and even of course but not necessarily on the same day. You dont have to be awkward just because 'it's not fair'. Save it for a day when you need a catch-up and he's able to take over. Weird to be so aggressive aboit things (responses by posters are aggressive).

Crikeyalmighty · 30/11/2025 13:44

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/11/2025 13:24

It’s not ‘helping out’, it’s parenting.

When’s the last time you got a night out followed by a full day in bed?

Yes that’s what would piss me off , so many blokes do see managing and looking after kids as totally woman’s work and an optional extra for them

LardoBurrows · 30/11/2025 13:42

Send the kids into his bedroom now - with toy drum, trumpet, large spoon and saucepan and tell them to make as much noise as their little hearts desire, tell them it's to "help" Daddy wake up. Useless, selfish fecker that he is.

You've been far more accommodating than he deserves, time for him to be reminded that he chose to have children so now he has to actually parent those children, hangover or not.

BreakfastClubBlues · 30/11/2025 13:39

"Can't help out" Haha!

How often does he get so drunk you all have to vacate the house for 24hrs?

localbutterfly · 30/11/2025 13:36

I would say not unreasonable IF (1) the two of you had agreed that he gets quiet/alone time until he feels better (not a specific timeframe that he now wants to extend) AND (2) he does the equivalent for you when needed/wanted without whinging.

This isn't the case here, and he sounds like one of those "babysitting my kids" wankers to boot. I'd resent it too. It's also tricky because it may not be possible to have a fair, equitable, reciprocal arrangement if he's frequently incapacitating HIMSELF and you don't (and don't want to) do the same.