Is this normal or am I a crap mum?

Sounds normal to me. Life is hard. The small bits of joy and love will come with time as things get easier. They will be a minority of the time, but meaningful and the things you remember in decades to come.

Babies are boring, annoying, gross, time consuming and a total energy drain. Whether they're even cute is debatable. There isn't actually anything at all to love about them. They're the worst people to have to spend your time with and be responsible for...except for Donald Trump perhaps.

Any love someone feels for a baby is either hormonal (mother and father) or manufactured and forced (anyone else) because "it's a baby!".

You haven't had the rush of hormones that puts you in servitude to baby. That doesn't make you a bad mum at all.

Love doesn't make a good parent, your actions do. Love just helps make it easier. You're doing it on hard mode at the moment.

The love will grow just as with any other creature you're stuck taking care of (and they start perhaps being slightly cool at some point...).

Don't beat yourself up or worry yourself. I bet you're doing absolutely fantastic.

I have 4 children the rush of love didnt occur with all of them

Dd1 full blown rush of love felt hit by a sledge hanmer

Dd2. No rush of love it was more a matter off. Yes she is here and there is room

Ds traumatic birth he was 3 months old before before it dawned on me I loved him.

Dd3 no rush of love it was more a slow brewing of love that just keeps building.

I know my children felt loved growing up. I don't think anynof them have ever considered if I had that rush of love with them they just know we loved them and they felt that.

OP don’t worry, I felt the same. I didn’t get that immediate rush of love and I used to google if it was normal! Honestly in the first few years I felt exhausted, overwhelmed and bored. No one talks about feeling like this and people immediately jump to PND - while it sometimes is, sometimes it’s not, sometimes these are normal feelings and it does make you feel like a bad mum doesn’t it? But you are not!! I am now sitting with my 7yo DD and without a doubt she is the best thing that ever happened to me. They get better with age. That love will come and one day you will realise it was all worth it x

I had post natal depression. You sound just the same.Have you talked to anyone about it.
I didn't feel the warm glow thing until my grandchildren were born. At thst point it was beautifully wonderful. With my own children I certainly loved them but I didn't get the glow thing. I was too ill, exhausted and my husband was shaggjng someone from work so it was all awful really.

I found having a newborn boring and tiring. They get much more fun and going from 1-2 was easier than 0-1.

No rush of love here. And no one prepared me for quite how tedious life with a newborn was. I’m not sure when it changed but it was a good few months for sure, maybe as DS was approaching toddlerhood and became more like a person than a potato.

Just posting to say what you feel is COMPLETELY NORMAL X

Things change so so quickly at this stage, your hormones are all over the place. Please do not worry about this, focus on you and giving him what he needs, the rest will come.

OP, I'm older now (51) and my children are both adults.

For me, all these instaperfect moments around everything from elaborate pregnancy announcements, 'gender' reveals, 'babymoon' (not even sure what that is tbh) etc are all things that didn't even exist before SM required them to.

There is a lot of pressure on new mums now to bounce back and be living perfect lives with bunting and balloon arches and all.manner of unnecessary and pointless bollocks!

I have a much younger ex colleague on fb who has a now 2 year old - it's been oddly fascinating to watch...

My experience was that I didn't have that rush of love or this is my new best friend experience either but I woke up one day when my son was around 4 months old and had a rush of feeling like I couldn't live without him. It took a lot longer with my daughter and, for the first year she felt like a baby I was quite fond of but more like a girl who was always there and I was responsible.for than part of me.

Like I say, they're both adults now and we're really close, but I certainly didn't sacrifice my life for them. I give them the space as adults to live their own lives and make their own choices and I'll never he one of those women posting after having a little cry because they don't phone me often enough.

Oh, and the early days are mindnumbingly boring.

And, yes, the comments about the baby being a stranger - that's exactly how it felt.

You're not alone, OP. It will get better.

I bonded with my babies immediately and was madly in love with them but at the same time I could easily have handed over all the practical stuff to a nanny, and the best part of the day was when they were asleep (although my oldest never wanted to sleep 🤨). Basically I loved them absolutely but I found the actual ‘work’ involved completely boring. Everything other than cuddles and feeding was a chore. I was still a really good mum though so as long as you show love to your baby it’s ok to be bored by the practicalities.

I used to read about celeb mums saying how they loved every single second of motherhood and felt I must be awful and selfish for not loving every second, but looking back they probably all had nannies to relieve them of the boring bits. Once they’re walking and talking it’s so much more interesting.

I had two elective c-sections so had no trauma so bonding for me was a very easy process, but that still didn’t stop the feeling of finding aspects of baby care boring.

I was the same as you OP. I just think some of us are less maternal, less gushing about it. We've had a great time as a family, but I was always happy for the kids to stay with grandparents or have plenty of time by myself. My rule was to keep them clean, fed and unharmed, walked at least twice a day in nature and read to as much as they wanted. Which was A LOT. Once older it's a focus on fresh air at playgrounds, which is very boring but makes for easier night times.

Completely agree!

A lot of the literature about this rush of love sets the scene it happens for everyone, and it doesn’t.

My first wasn’t planned, and was with someone I hadn’t been with for long. I felt like they gave me an alien immediately after birth and was disgusted with everything, it was gross. I didn’t love him for quite some time and actually was really considering giving him up - all too much for me. Turned out I had PND.

Second child (same dad and five years into our relationship), similar experience but not PND. I just don’t like those early months/years. You run on empty and it’s exhausting! You’ll get there and make sure you look after yourself. 💛

I wouldn’t worry about the rush of love thing. I have 3 children and I only got the rush of love with my 3rd baby. The birth of my first was traumatic and I felt absolutely nothing towards him for a good 5-6 months. With my second I slowly bonded over a couple of months and my third it was immediately. I love them all the same now. Fake it till you make it. It will come eventually.

I remember expecting to have an overwhelming feeling of love and it didn’t quite work like that. It was like she was a total stranger and although I wanted to protect her, I didn’t really know her to love her like I did other people in my life. It just took a little bit of time.
Essentially, life had changed to be unrecognisable despite plenty of support around me and sometimes I just wanted some time to be my old self, but also didn’t want to be away from her for a minute. I think I did love her, just not quite in the way I expected to.

I didn't feel the rush of love either. Just a huge weight of troubling responsibility (I was desperate to protect dd and be the best mom I could, regardless), and a kind of mourning for my old free self. Maybe looking back I had a touch of depression? Nothing major. I had a very easy baby, which helped me through I guess. But I did not enjoy those newborn days.

I don't know when kneejerk responsibikity was replaced by actual love - I think it happened gradually, the more dd's distinct individual personality started to emerge. I almost think, for me, I couldn't fully love someone I didn't really know as a person.

Just because it took me a bit longer to get there, it doesn't make our bond any the weaker - now she is a gorgeous, headstrong teenager, we love each other like nothing on earth.

It's brave of you to admit to this OP, and it could be worth mentioning to your HV or GP, if you believe it's possible you could be depressed.

Oh, and congrats on the birth of your beautiful baby!

I never felt that rush immediately with mine either. I expected it because people talked about it but it felt just like looking at a tiny stranger. I missed the baby in my belly because they were familiar to me!

At this age babies don’t really give anything back. The change for me was when they start to smile and laugh. That did give me the rush of love and it grew from there. Now if I’m sad I look at pictures of them to cheer me up. I absolutely love having toddlers!

There’s no harm in mentioning the way you’re feeling to your GP in your check up, or to your health visitor. My GP was great, and rang me to check in regularly until I felt more myself again. Hormones do crazy things to your mind and body!

p.s. it’s so good to read how other mums felt the same in the newborn days. It feels like a taboo saying you don’t like the baby days but it’s helpful to others feeling the same.

I tried for a very long time to get pregnant and was so excited when I did, so was gutted that I then found it so difficult when DD was born. A pp said something about getting snacks and enjoying being 'nap trapped ' - I remember that being some of the worst parts of my day. I bonded when DD was about 5 m but until then I went through the motions every day and hated myself for it, but at least she was well looked after and interacted with. It will get better

I have two children. My daughter was easier and I probably bonded with her more quickly, I fell in love with her around 3 months. Until then, she was just a ball of meat that I needed to protect 🤣

My son was not an easy baby. He cried a lot, slept very little, couldn’t be put down for a minute. It was tough. I didn’t fall in love with him until gone 6 months.

I had no post natal depression, it just worked differently for me than the ‘rush of love’ you hear about.

I love them both VERY intensely now and wouldn’t change them for the world. They are my everything ❤️ but I wouldn’t revisit the early days for anything. Just didn’t like them. I love the toddler years, and most people moan about them…

My point being, not everyone is the same and sometimes you experience love and children differently to others.

I’d guess you’re exhausted and in shock at life- I think most people feel that but then also get the rush of love. I’d guess it’ll randomly hit you on the head. I’d say don’t wait for it, and don’t listen to all the in bliss stories either, while he is your little guy and it is the two of you in a bubble, that doesn’t mean it’s not so hard!!

Newborn stage is so exhausting and boring, the baby will be more interesting and fun later when his personality shows and look more cute. You are not a crap mum, this is not a fun stage and will pass. Focus on getting through these next couple of months and try to get out of the house for a walk alone or with the baby..try to get sleep when you can. It will get easier, you will get past this and you will feel a deep love for your baby later, it's just boring and tiring right now.

Not everyone is the same. Just because you are not a super demonstrative person doesn't mean you're a crap mum. Not everyone finds babies wonderful, you'll probably find you bond better as baby gets older and you can interact more. You're doing fine.

The newborn days can be hard and boring. It gets so much more fun when they start getting a personality and turning into a little person. 6+ months was the turning point for me, I think.

Aww of course not a bad mum. Echo the other comments about trying a few baby groups. Look up baby sensory or baby massage groups or even baby swim. I find that the hour or so in the day I do those I can give my baby full attention. Then I don't feel so bad the rest of the day if I'm busy or trying to get things done, not super present, because we have had that bonding hour at the group. It can feel a lot to work up the courage to go but I have two children and always felt welcome/never regretted any group I've been to. Also definitely take partner, grandparent or friend along if it helps, lots do.

You’re not a crap mum. You’re knackered, possibly post-natally depressed.

I had a good pregnancy and straight forward birth but I remember feeling like this. It felt like I was looking after this precious baby but she wasn’t mine.

I did get better and so will you. Please don’t worry but do ask for help. You’re a great mum and it does get easier.