DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

And you don’t think dd will notice her own father’s ’silent disintrersr’? You don’t think it will hurt or confuse her? It’s an absolutely vile way to behave towards anyone.

He could have just said he didn’t have time to see the video, and ask her how her day has been, it’s not hard.

Wow, I can’t believe how unpleasant people are being about your daughter. She sounds like an absolutely excellent character

I firmly believe that our role as parents is to love unconditionally and allow our children to be themselves in our presence, if they can’t do it with us, they won’t learn to expect it from other people and will never find their tribe. That does not mean never offering feedback or guidance, but it really doesn’t sound like your daughter is doing anything untoward that needs to be corrected and if she was, your husbands approach is still bullshit anyway.

He is being constantly negative and critical of her and you are right that it’s a concern. He needs to do some work in himself and I’d be telling him and her that so she doesn’t internalise his issues as her own.

Her peers will tell her if she is annoying, either directly or through ostracism, neither of those things are happening. If her father wants her to be more succinct, he can express that to her in a loving way, but he’s not doing that, my son does have ADHD, and will talk like this going off round the houses, I’m currently having cancer treatment and I cannot follow what he’s saying anymore, so I just smile, hold my hand up and say babe, can you give me the headlines because I can’t follow this. He is learning to do that. You don’t have to be horrible about it.

I just want to say a huge bravo to you for being a lovely mum and your daughter for being such a corker.

If he really does dislike her and it clearly shows to her and your other DC, and he’s not worked on and changed his thoughts, feelings behaviour, which seems to be the case, that’d be a reason to end the marriage.

Classic Mumsnet. Loads of posters lining up to put the boot in to a 16 year old girl while making excuses for a grown man who is being actively mean and unpleasant to the daughter that he is supposed to nurture and love.

I despair, I really do. All kids are annoying sometimes but don't let your husband and randoms on here pathologise your lovely daughter. You do need to read the riot act to your 'D' H though before he crushes her spirit completely.

DH has made many comments about DD over the years such as, “it annoys me when she is in her room and I knows she’s pacing even if I can’t see or hear it, just thinking about it annoys me”, “god knows how she did well in her GCSEs, I was expecting her to fail as she does all her studying standing up
Neither of these comments are problematic. He’s just stating his opinion to you. It would annoy plenty of parents if their Dc was pacing their room at night - we would want them to be settled in bed asleep. Similarly with the studying. He quite understandably thought she couldn’t be revising properly as likely he did or your DS did so was surprised When she did well. No doubt when she comes to A level revision he’ll be a bit more reassured that her methods of revision will work.

I'd find it slightly annoying as well 😳 I never watch the constant videos sent in our group chat, I'm just not that interested (although it would probably be different if it was my own child!)

My DD2 sounds similar to yours (although a lot younger) She never stops moving and fidgeting, can't sit still to watch a film or if she does there's a constant running commentary, hugging me, kissing me, moving around. I love her to death but yes, sometimes it's extremely annoying and I just need to tell her to stop.

Edited to add I just read your updates about him constantly complaining about her, that isn't ok. Is he really negative about other things in his life? I would find that more exhausting than anything your DD does.

She sounds amazing and he REALLY needs to realise how lucky he is that he has a fabulous healthy daughter.

How does he not see that?

FGS, the point of the thread is not "Would you find my daughter annoying?" It's - "Is my DH in the wrong to be unremittingly mean, negative and critical of my daughter?"

It doesn't matter whether you, personally, would be annoyed by her. You don't have to live with her. The OP and her DH do, and I don't think his behaviour is remotely justifiable.

Why’s it’s abusive.

get a grip.

nit responding to a video on a what’s app rather than responding to tell someone they are annoying is far better.

Not responding just means you could be busy (like the OP who was in the shower) and it’s a life lesson to learn that other people have lives outside of listening to you and responding to your inane videos all the time.

Your dh needs to accept your dd as she is and stop putting her down. Yes they are not very compatible personality types, but he is the adult and parent here. He needs to grow up himself and realise that his attitude is horrible. He didn't actually have to watch all her videos if he didn't want to - it sounds almost as though he watched them to give him more ammunition/proof of how 'annoying' your dd is. The fact that he still put her down when she was trying to talk to him about history speaks volumes. Tbh it sounds as though she's brighter, more positive, more engaged with the world around her and has more personality than him and he's threatened by it.

I do get that some find people who are always 'on' exhausting and irritating, but life would be pretty boring if we were all the same. Someone with your dd's energy will probably go far in life. It's probably fairly rare to maintain it into adult life anyway, and the idea that a parent wants to squash that spirit before she even leaves school is very sad.

Honestly, he is a grown man with nearly adult children and he is behaving like a mean girl towards DD1. He is annoyed by imaginary things that she might be doing, even though he can't see or hear her doing anything. He is just imagining her doing them and getting cross with her. It's as though he has got the 'ick' for his own daughter.

It would definitely make me get the 'ick' for him and I would be considering splitting up with him. His behaviour is toxic and unfair.

It’s really NOT a ‘well known safety tip’ to call someone: quite the opposite!

Silently disinterested? Jesus Christ that sounds abusive. You are getting terrible advice here op suggesting such poor parenting.

For some reason these threads always create jealousy. Most people would give their right arm for a highly intelligent, engaged, genuinely happy teenager.

OP’s post is about her DH and his seeming dislike and different treatment of their DC2 @Soontobe60 Understandable her posts focus on that and the behaviours of DC2. Your comment seems mean: what are you implying?

Hate to say it but she does sound annoying!

But then again if she sent loads of videos to the chat I’d just ignore them. I would t feel the need to spend 4 minutes if my life watching 4 inane videos and then comment effectively.

id suggest he goes silently uninterested (it’s a life skill to learn not everyone shares your enthusiasm) rather than actively be unkind to her though.

Hate to ask this OP, but has she had any trauma in early life? Trauma can have effects that mimic ADHD symptoms. A child psychologist told me that this can happen when a child is constantly on edge/in fight or flight mode around a parent, because it releases a certain stress hormone that, when released consistently, can have permanent effects on the brain.

She just sounds highly intelligent and exuberant to me! Not everyone needs a label because they have the audacity to be happy and authentic!

So it’s fine for you to tell her she’s annoying but not your DH?
TBH, she sounds exhausting. I’d find her annoying in the morning as I like a peaceful start to my day. If she’s sending videos or expecting to face time family on her way home, maybe DH is ignoring them because he’s busy at work. You were busy in the shower. People can’t just drop everything.
Do you realise you’ve hardly said anything about your other two DC?

I can’t imagine a world where my children and step children when they lived at home would be contacting us with videos instead of talking to our faces, so yes I would find her incredibly annoying.

Mad that having energy and being a bit chatty with a tendency to go on is immediately pathologised as ADHD.

phones and screen obsession has completely changed the way we think humans should be.

I think, if you had started your post with these examples, you might have had very different responses. He sounds incredibly narrowminded, and unable to show a generosity of spirit or warmth towards your daughter. Furthermore, it seems at best very mean, and at worst very toxic to be playing people off against each other in this way. I would find it to be nasty and damaging behaviour, and would find it incredibly hard to tolerate. Presumably all of your children will be picking up on his dislike of your daughter, which is not good for any of them.

Give that ND runs in families if the DD is ND there is a fair chance her father is to and the signs are there in some of his behaviours. So does her ND somehow trump his?

To me it sounds like an extrovert and an introvert trying to rub along together in the same house which won't always be easy.

PSA to everyone: You can play voice notes at 1.5 or double speed

Slightly off topic but she sounds wonderful and very like my daughter. She only received her ADHD diagnosis when she hit late teens as she'd spent ages trying to conform in her younger years. I would maybe revisit the diagnosis with the provider and ask if they considered masking or if they're using the right diagnostic tools for girls ADHD in Girls: Ignored Symptoms in Females https://share.google/7GEh1M28qi2NFyxSz Oh and tell your DH to take a look at his own annoying habits before trying to dampen your daughter's light.