DH called DD annoying and it’s made me feel really sad

Your daughter sounds fun but also tiring and pretty intense. I think it’s actually terrible advice to give to a child to make videos incessantly and talk on FaceTime on a walk home. You should be focussed on your surroundings surely and not calling everyone you know to chat with you when you’re walking? I think she sounds very, very tiring to someone who is more of an introvert.

BUT - of course a parent shouldn’t constantly be putting down one of their children. There are bits I find easier and harder with both my kids and I very much try to focus on the positives. My son loves sports and video games and I find both pretty boring but I nod along

I think parents and children aren’t always going to mesh together - that’s just life. And your daughter is either high energy or perhaps ADHD and that can be really tricky for someone who likes a quiet and calm life. My brother has ADHD and I’m a bit of an introvert and I can only cope with him in small doses. It’s just hard for follow his trains of thought and he never ever just… sits. It’s constant movement and constant talking and constant fidgeting and after a couple hours of it I need a break. I love him and appreciate him and think he’s interesting and fabulous, but for my own mental wellbeing I need some calm time too. So I see all the sides in this one.

I think maybe worth asking your husband if there’s something he likes about your daughter - something they could do together (a sport? Mini golf or bowling?) and then give him some grace to check out when he needs to. He clearly cannot cope with this every single day but he should put some effort into finding something he can enjoy with each of his children.

I think there are some strange responses on here OP.
people tend to react negatively to people speaking highly of their children (and I know you have been forced by your husband and by the thread to be defensive) and seeing peoole
say ‘well, she DOES sound annoying’ as though that justifies a parent conveying their annoyance is sad.

Clearly your daughter can sit still and focus. Her educational success are testimony to this. She clearly can engage in reciprocal relationships - she has friends and a boyfriend.
she can engage in sport and is energetic and dedicated.
Some people are very curious about others -
like you said she is- and also enjoying sharing their inner mind and observations etc.
It seems she has never been in trouble or you’ve never noticed her being really inappropriate as to when she does this ie. Talking incessantly about herself to a shopkeeper. Seems she knows her family is one of those spaces where she can just share sometimes. And with you she can.
Also, I really don’t think there has to be a point to every story and every story doesn’t have to be a story. That is a criteria for certain relationships but I don’t have that with my husband for example.

thing is, in a dynamic like with a married couple sometimes when one person carries a certain energy the other person is pushed then carry the other. As your husband carries the critical energy towards your daughter you get pushed more and more towards defending her and the positive. But it also means that as you are pushed to me more positive he will also find it hard to be - as you do all of that. So it becomes a dynamic

I would try and talk to him but it depends how open and reflective he is. I suspect it is too painful to admit that he has a part to play. But I wouldn’t let the idea that ‘she is annoying’ be allowed to pass without comment. Everytime I’d add ‘to you, she is annoying to you’. She is not universally annoying.
also, it seems she is age appropriate on everything - all children and adults can act their age at school or with friends and then at home revert sometimes to a younger side of themselves. It’s bloody healthy

I'd still be asking some big questions about why she was coming up with that as a question.

She sounds so much like me....all I heard growing up was: slow down, I can't understand what you are trying to say, rein it in, stop talking all the time. What people didn't realise was that I didn't understand why I was annoying them. I didn't think I was doing anything out of the usual. I was just being normal in my world.

Each comment felt like a criticism of who I was and really affected my self-esteem. People thought I was very extroverted...I wasn't. I'm actually very introverted but a hyper introvert.

Like your daughter, I don't have issue with concentration too much. I can focus, I don't lose things. Attention is not the problem, hyperness is. Physical but even more mental. My brain never stops, my thoughts are with me all the time, and these are most of the time creative thoughts, thoughts about what I can do, and most Importantly, what I SHOULD do.

I bless my hyper mind. It's made me a successful person in life. I am that 'I really don't know how you do it' friend, colleague, stranger!

But yes, I am also annoying. I also struggle with how slow I find everyone, especially with thoughts. I'm in my 50s and it happened again last night with my friends, trying to organise a trip. They were still trying to consider the things to think about to decide where to go when I'd long gone already through that list in my mind and was trying to share it with them. They do like me a lot though when I helped them move houses! I had sorted how to organise the packing in a few minutes when they were feeling overwhelmed with the task!

Like every traits, there are negatives and positives. I've finally became much more self aware of how hyperactivity affects me and others. My closest friends and family members accept me with the good and annoying, but some are very quick to call upon the good and then try to put me down for the annoying. That hurts my feelings.

You're a fantastic mum to your daughter!

Your DD sounds exhausting and yes, irritating, bless her. She does sound like she has ADAH. I'm sure your husband loves her but he probably sees her more like how other people might see her and it bothers him. I think you need to realise not everyone will be tolerating her or even going to be polite to her when she is older... Though you did say she is not bothered so this is a good thing - or maybe she is bothered but already learned not to react to it (I'm sure your husband not the only one who noticed her quirks).

But I would talk to your husband about it and discuss with him how he sees her and why he makes these comments. He is her parent and should support her, just like you do.

Even at the time there was a massive debate on whether the trials were the right way to deal with nazi atrocities. It’s far more nuanced than saying someone is a nazi sympathiser becsuse they want to talk about and debate The Nuremberg Trials. Signed Another Historian (just in case the OP’s nasty dh thinks he has the monopoly on being right about history).

Very good point.

Your DH sounds like a beller, but he’s not wrong in that your DD needs to develop a little bit of self awareness, which will hopefully come with age. On the whole though, she sounds great. DH is lucky to have a DD engaged with the world and enthusiastic. I didn’t catch your respective work situations, perhaps he just needs a break after being surrounded by people at the office all day?

She sounds like a lovely girl but I think she is rapidly arriving at the stage in life where she needs to take care how she presents herself in order not to rub other people up the wrong way.

She will soon be going into environments where not everyone is automatically sympathetic and she will need to win the good opinion of others, who might come from a completely different background and perspective.

’Is this considerate towards others?’ would be a useful starting point.

I personally find the videos inconsiderate as it effectively compels someone to watch to the end, in case something vital is said, but the viewer has no opportunity to express their own needs as they might in a face-to-face conversation.

For perspective, I was that highly articulate and arts-minded sixth-former, prone to singing, doing slightly zany things in public places and talking about classic literature to anyone who would listen. (I know, insufferable!) But I completely failed to realise that not everyone appreciated this and that other forms of ability, talent and intelligence were equally valuable. This is especially true in the workplace, where being zany or cutesy is rarely tolerated and only for very high performers.

It is also very possible that any zany or cutesy behaviour will make you look less intelligent than you actually are, especially for women.

I soon realised that I did better by being more measured and analytical in my self-presentation, but setting my creativity to work when it came to generating ideas. That is quite a powerful combination and has served me well in the workplace.

She has huge potential and as her mother @GugiGi you can really help her to channel it for the best possible results.

Your daughter sounds like a lovely person and I understand why you're upset that he says negative things about her. She also sounds to me like she has ADHD and I think most people without ADHD would find her exhausting if she is so full on from early morning until late night every day.

I’m with the father here. Your daughter sounds intense. VERY intense.

And while I am sure she is perfectly pleasant in small doses, if I had to live with her I would be making myself scarce.

I think she sounds so lovely and her father is being really cruel and dismissive and this needs addressing. For all the posters who say she sounds insufferable and a ‘pick me’ I would consider that at 16 some of her behaviour will have already been shaped by her father’s attitude towards her and some of these more ‘random’ comments e.g naming the pigeon I think may well be attributed to growing up aware you are not liked and sort of a mix of overcompensating and being silly and brushing things off. Many posters have explained how damaging it was to grow up in such an environment which I really hope the OP (and feel she has) takes onboard. As an adult I know many people who describe their father’s as miserable and joy sucking and those miserable old men are wondering why people don’t visit and bring the grandchildren.

You are describing my daughter to a T- and she has ADHD.

Yes, only on mn is being an extrovert medicalised.

@GugiGi goodness you and your dd are getting a bit of a pasting on here! The bit that stands out for me is your h complaining that her pacing is so ‘annoying just thinking about it’. He can’t see or hear her, but she’s still being annoying to him. That’s not normal. Is he a dullard, a fun sponge, a selfish single minded man who is only interested in other people who have similar interests or think the same way? I feel very sorry for your dd as she must surely feel that level of animosity.
Id be inclined to have a discussion with a family therapist perhaps to unpick that, rather than push for trying to define her as adhd.

Absolutely

She sounds wonderful and I would feel a bit sad too

Absolutely. It was an intelligent question.

https://www.nationalww2museum.org/war/articles/the-nuremberg-trial-and-its-legacy

She might have read this.

The conversation struck me as being at a more advanced level: More “With 80 years hindsight, were the Nuremberg trials the best of dealing with the atrocities of WW2” than “victors justice innit, Free Palestine!”

As soon as i read the OP I knew what kind of responses you would get here.

MN has a high representation of people who self-describe as introvert, socially awkward, anxious. There is a general mistrust/ bias against people who are extrovert, sociable, intelligent, sporty.

So while I can believe that some quiet personalities find it hard to be around someone who is vibrant and outgoing - much of these comments are triggered from insecurity and inferiority.

Which is what I think is going on with DH. Yes, there may be a character clash to some degree, and yes I can understand an incoherent pigeon story might annoy him - but it’s possible to be mildly irritated in a benign way. Essentially he is a quiet introvert and she is a sporty extrovert and she’s triggering his insecurities.

For all the posters on here who say she should “tone down” her personality”, if anyone told them to “tone up” theirs to be more outgoing they would say it’s impossible.

Essentially, you’ve asked a forum full of DHs what to do about DH.

My advice is to have a serious chat with him as he may not be conscious of how negative he is being with her. Potentially you could book a few sessions with a relationship counsellor so he can work through his issues with her.

Apologies, haven't read the full thread...

DH sounds like a total dick. How lovely to have a DD16 (as we do!) that wants to engage with you and be sociable. He is very lucky, and clearly doesn't value what he has. Unfortunately fathers can have a lasting impression on their daughters, particularly at this age, so what a shame he behaves like this.

Lots of people on the thread seem to be opining on whether they would find your DD annoying...well frankly a lot of the time other people's children are annoying - the difference should be when they are yours and you love them and see the best in them. It's not a valid comparison imo.

I would say (slightly tongue in cheek) LTB before he completely crushes your DDs spirit and self confidence.

I agree with this poster.
Also the fact that you say DH has no problems boring on about his interests- which I assume as a middle aged man aren't particularly interesting to his dc, yet you are all expected to listen reverently to him! He just doesn't like the way your dd delivers her stories.

With the tennis shoes, as an analology, if he has asked something about his hobby and dd had said "why would i care, i don't like chess?" I'm sure he'd be moaning that she was being disrespectful. Similarly if she'd told him he was sounding like a fascist!

Several posters have said dd sounds annoying, which she might be, but she's 16, still very young, but seems to be treating her dad with a lot more respect and maturity than he's treating her.

I'm surprised people are saying she sounds immature - asking questions about the ethicality of the nuremberg trial sounds pretty impressive to me for a 16 year old!

It's quite sad that he doesn't seem to take any interest in any of her hobbies or likes, (is there literally no sport he's the slightest bit into?) but even when she makes the effort to engage with him about how his day has been and his own interests he rebuffs her.