To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

Losing someone you’ve been wed to is devastating and very lonely .

Let him be happy - you’ve got your own family.

Those of you saying ‘it could all go on care fees’ - most couples with assets leave ‘their’ half of any assets including property in a trust for their children in a mirror will (ie they both agree to do this regardless of who dies first). This is not only tax efficient but also means only the remaining spouse’s half is used for care fees (because they’d be the only one needing it by that point) instead of everything. Perfectly legal and encouraged by financial advisors.

This isn’t true. Some do it, most don’t. If you don’t have an accountant or financial advisor, you wouldn’t necessarily know this wrinkle.

Protecting yourself from care fees is all very well in theory, but most people realise when they get to that point that they would rather have the better standard of care facilities and pay for it than an LA funded care package where the choices are limited.

The OP is worried about her inheritance. She’s more likely to get one if he has a partner to care for him at home, should he need it. But that partner also deserves recognition for what is a very hard and soul destroying role, especially if they are also elderly

She should have that conversation about his new will, but she also needs to understand that unless she personally takes on the full time care of her DF, should it be needed, she can’t complain if the person providing that care is rewarded for it.

This. Whether he gets married or not is irrelevant. He could also choose to will his half of everything to his children not his wife, even after marriage. It is totally up to him who gets what and who makes the health decisions.

Have you actually discussed all this with him or just told him you don't want him to get married?

As someone has mentioned previously, Dad could make the partner POA for health and/or finances, and could make a Will leaving everything to partner all without getting married - getting married doesn't in itself give all control to the wife, a Will and POA does, if that's what he chooses to do.....

Getting married or not is not really the issue though is it. It's his will. Op needs to talk to him, encourage him to sort his will, talk to his wife about it pre marriage, and then if it's sorted it in reality wouldn't make that much difference if he was married or not. Bite the bullet op and have a frank conversation with him. Do it when it's just you and him uninterrupted.

I domt think you are being unreasonable

why does he have to marry her?

What health decisions do you think you should be getting a say in? Is this again money related eg if he should go into a home? He has been with the woman 5 years ultimately it is up to him what he does with his money

Could it be that they want to live in the same property abd will only do so if married?

He has a new partner. He wants to marry. If they live together and he dies, you could, and it sounds like definitely you would, otherwise kick his new partner out of his house. Perhaps, given he loves her, he wants to know she would be ok. He can write a will and a power of attorney to make sure everyone will be ok, his assets eventually end up with his own children, and that his wishes for care and financial decisions are set out. That's the conversation to have. Not it's you versus her.

He may end up with substantial care needs. Or his new wife may end up saving you a load of care costs and worries and fears for your dad, if you want to think of this in terms of risks and benefits to yourself. You might even come to be very grateful she is around and happy for him to have found someone to share his remaining time with.

"Next of kin" isn't a legal category. If the child has medical POA and the spouse doesn't, the medics do have to defer to the child. The key thing is to get both kinds of POA sorted while your father is compos mentis.

Have you expressed your concerns about his will?

It’s very normal when people marry again later on in life that they have a specific detail in their will for their children

I have inherited a life changing amount of money having lost both of my parents I won’t ever marry again and this is partly the reason. I also don’t see any point having had a 20 year marriage that failed.

This is a good idea.

my family had an issue. My grandad remarried a lady very different to my grandma and indeed him, but we were really happy for him. It turns out her actions showed that she never must’ve liked us very much. Grandad sadly passed away and by the time his wife did a couple of years ago everything that she and her former husband, and grandad and grandma had built up, wasn’t split evenly, as was previously expressed, the whole estate went to her niece, who’s only interest was ever money. Not even talking money only, but also his items too. It’s strange because an outsider would look and say expecting an inheritance is money grabbing, but idles not the money, it’s the symbol of what my mums parents had built up over their lovely marriage. It’s hard to explain without sounding like it’s only about money though

*edited to write grandma instead of grandad and correct some typos

Can’t say it any better than this. I’d never remarry without ensuring that I didn’t endanger my children’s inheritance that I had built with their other parent, never in a million years.

And still no-one has acknowledged the fact that all this could still happen without marriage.
he can change his will.
give her POA.
marriage could actually be about love for all we know.
people are assuming not getting married somehow protects the children. It doesn’t. He can make exactly the same decisions without marriage.

I completely agree. It’s selfish to remarry.

No, we're not. If the OPs mum left her estate to her husband then it's now his, not hers any longer. If she'd wanted her children to inherit she'd have made provision for them in her will.

I have seen this play out. Mum dies. Dad moves on. Remarries a widow. Dad dies. All assets are inherited by the new wife

messy and hurtful.

definitely get legal advice and speak to your dad about your concerns and what your mum would have wanted.

You are not being unreasonable to be upset about the inheritance. I understand that you want to make decisions on health too, but if you discuss POA with your dad then that's up to him and him alone. You don't want to sound money-grabbing but the only people accusing you of this are those who are not in your position. If they were in your position, they'd be thinking about it! The inheritance is of course also up to him, but you know your mum never envisaged the legacy she and your dad built together being at best shared with, if not entirely going to, another unknown woman + offspring. Be gentle, be kind, and get some legal advice on alternative solutions to present to him so he can see that he can still make a symbolic committment to his gf without causing chaos and bitterness . But don't be guilt-tripped by MN into not acting now while you have a chance - your mum spent over half a century with your dad. You know better than anyone what she would want the outcome to be had she been aware of this scenario.

He may want her (and she him) to have the security, responsibility and authority that automatically goes to married partners as next of kin. He may value marriage as an institution and want that for the two of them, see it as a symbol of commitment and love. As many people who get married do. Why do you think it would be different for him than for anyone else? Marriage isn’t just about protecting women who have children from getting shafted.

If he’s got sense he will talk to a solicitor about inheritance and make sure he sets aside a reasonable amount for his children in his will. But it makes sense that he might prefer someone he spends most of his time with over a DC to have POA over health and financial matters if he becomes infirm.

Ideally POA should always go to the next generation to avoid the issues that arise if one person needs to have the POA enacted but their partner is incapacitated.

The money is not something I could particularly get worked up about as it may well be needed by df for care. However if he still has dm's jewellery, family photos and other sentimental items that will mean nothing to the new wife and her family, I would want to secure that. Finding a gentle way to suggest that you don't mind anything else going out of the family but would be very sad to lose those memories and not be able to pass them on.

If he marries the new wife might not want reminders of df's former life around so perhaps suggest that you and your sibling could look after the sentimental items to preserve them, but making copies of favourite photos so both you and df have them. Heard too many stories of new families just dumping evidence of the first family.

Such a lot of virtue signalling on here about inheritance. I’m sure if it was you in this situation you’d NOT be happy for your parent’s life savings and other assets to end up enriching the life of total strangers. If you’d honestly be ok with this, why not take your own savings and just give them to some random next time you’re out, it amounts to about the same thing. And let some random make end of life care arrangements for your DP, let them make a decision about turning off life support. Yeah, thought not.

@Perimomof2 - he’s been perfectly happy not married so I’d wonder what (or who) was pushing for it now. The cynic on me says her DCs…

When you and your DSister were growing up I imagine your parents saved jointly and hoped to be able to ‘leave something for the children’. Loads of their generation did that and your DM would not have wanted her half of those savings and property to go to a complete stranger and her DCs.

Explain this to your dad. My own dad would assume that because he wants me and his GCs to inherit, that’s what would happen. It wouldn’t occur to him (a) that he should make a new will after remarriage and (b) thar his second wife wouldn’t pass it on, if he died without a will. He’d assume she’d ’do the right thing.

Those of you saying ‘it could all go on care fees’ - most couples with assets leave ‘their’ half of any assets including property in a trust for their children in a mirror will (ie they both agree to do this regardless of who dies first). This is not only tax efficient but also means only the remaining spouse’s half is used for care fees (because they’d be the only one needing it by that point) instead of everything. Perfectly legal and encouraged by financial advisors.

My biggest concern is that you would cease to be next if kin from a care perspective. Inheritance can be dealt with by reusing his will after his marriage, but even with power of attorney for managing his affairs, a spouse is likely to be contacted first and deferred to.

Do you know what, if I died tomorrow and my husband met someone knew I’d be happy for him. But if he married that person and disinherited my kids I’d be back to haunt him.

Well that’s a personal thing isn’t it? you don’t get to tell him how he should be happy!

I’m just really uncomfortable with your viewpoint. My DH has terminal cancer. I will be widowed within a few short years. I’m 53.

If my kids started telling me what I can or can’t do, or try to ‘guide’ me in anyway they will be shown the door.