Please or to access all these features

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

483 replies

Perimomof2 · 29/11/2025 19:02

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple.
My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs.

Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.

Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

OP posts:
Enrichetta · 01/12/2025 14:07

Thechaseison71 · 01/12/2025 12:14

The OP hasn't a clue of what her father has put in place re inheritance though.

. And if her mother was that bothered about it the she should've ring fenced her share for the kids

Chances are that, at the time of her death, their house was the parents’ main property. It is normal for married couples to be joint tenants, so the father would have automatically inherited his wife’s share of the property.

In order to be able to leave her share to their children, they would have had to have formally switched to being tenants in common. This would also have resulted in the father/widower having to sell the house to pass the deceased wife’s share to the children. Unless she had made a will to grant her husband a life interest so he could stay in the house.

Personally I doubt that, in real life, many people have the foresight to plan for this eventuality. Even solicitors often advise for minor wills - I know ours did.

At the end of the day, one can only hope that a surviving parent/widow(er) will act in the children’s best interest. Sadly, it appears that - as in the OP’s case - some don’t, either through ignorance or carelessness, or because they put their new partner’s interests above those of their children.

Doggielovelouie · 01/12/2025 13:48

Thechaseison71 · 01/12/2025 12:14

The OP hasn't a clue of what her father has put in place re inheritance though.

. And if her mother was that bothered about it the she should've ring fenced her share for the kids

I think it’s fair she would have assumed he would do the right thing

we still don’t know if he intended to anyway

Doggielovelouie · 01/12/2025 13:46

SereneLilac · 30/11/2025 22:19

Mad, isn't it? You go to a solicitor for advice because he or she has years of experience with these issues, then insist your situation will be different 🤷‍♀️

And it never is

the solicitor also said we wouldn’t believe what he’s seen when money is on the table!

actually I would - worst of human kind

Picklemysink · 01/12/2025 12:26

Ladyymuck · 01/12/2025 10:23

yanbu and I don’t understand why people would say you are being unreasonable. How can they think it’s reasonable a woman and her family your father has known for only 5 years should be entitled to the inheritance your Mum believed was to one day go to her children. I actually think it’s grubby and greedy someone would marry a man in his 80s knowing they will and in turn their family inherit everything over his own and his deceased wife’s family.
edited to say: why can they just not remain as they are a couple in every other way but not married.

Edited

But marriage does not mean she will automatically inherit everything. It is easy to put provision in your will to ensure that children inherit upon your death. The op's mother could easily have put provision in her will to protect the op of she wanted to but chose not to.

Someone I know recently got a shock because her mother chose to leave the bulk of her wealth to a charity. She didn't see much of her mother and wanted Christmases to be "her little family" leaving her mum to organise herself ....

Parents are free to disinherit their children from any reason they want

helpfulperson · 01/12/2025 12:24

Thechaseison71 · 01/12/2025 12:14

The OP hasn't a clue of what her father has put in place re inheritance though.

. And if her mother was that bothered about it the she should've ring fenced her share for the kids

I think this sums it up.

Thechaseison71 · 01/12/2025 12:14

Ladyymuck · 01/12/2025 10:23

yanbu and I don’t understand why people would say you are being unreasonable. How can they think it’s reasonable a woman and her family your father has known for only 5 years should be entitled to the inheritance your Mum believed was to one day go to her children. I actually think it’s grubby and greedy someone would marry a man in his 80s knowing they will and in turn their family inherit everything over his own and his deceased wife’s family.
edited to say: why can they just not remain as they are a couple in every other way but not married.

Edited

The OP hasn't a clue of what her father has put in place re inheritance though.

. And if her mother was that bothered about it the she should've ring fenced her share for the kids

IDidntSayThatSorry · 01/12/2025 10:24

@Perimomof2 YANBU about your concerns. I'd speak to your father to make a will and grant you POA. If I were him, I'd do that to secure my children's future. If I were his partner, I'd encourage him to do that too because I wouldn't want to inherit his money that's meant for his children. Any decent person would do the same.

YABU about not liking her for the reasons you stated. They're of no substance and it's really because of your mum (which is understandable) that you don't quite like her. Also, she's in her 80s, what do you expect her to do to liven things up and entertain you?

She's your father's companion. He (like a lot of men) requires nursing like a damn child which is probably why he rushed into a new relationship the same year your mum died. That is what's disrespectful to your mum. He couldn't wait because he didn't have anyone helping him like your mum probably did. It could be why he feels the need to remarry.

I don't see the point of them marrying at this stage either.

Ladyymuck · 01/12/2025 10:23

yanbu and I don’t understand why people would say you are being unreasonable. How can they think it’s reasonable a woman and her family your father has known for only 5 years should be entitled to the inheritance your Mum believed was to one day go to her children. I actually think it’s grubby and greedy someone would marry a man in his 80s knowing they will and in turn their family inherit everything over his own and his deceased wife’s family.
edited to say: why can they just not remain as they are a couple in every other way but not married.

5128gap · 01/12/2025 10:03

Yes, you're being very unreasonable. You're using your own mothers memory to emotionally manipulate your father because you're worried you will lose out on his money. It's pretty low behaviour.

WelshRabBite · 01/12/2025 09:51

The sentence that stands out to me from the OP is:

I told my dad “If I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory.”

What a cruel thing to say to a man, over 5 years after his wife’s death 😞

I genuinely believe that some people think widows/widowers should mourn and wear black and be sad for the rest of their lives.

A person moving forward with their lives after their partner dying is not a sign of disrespect to the departed and what a burden to put on an old man’s shoulders saying that it is. ☹️

WhistPie · 01/12/2025 08:49

TheignT · 01/12/2025 03:00

I don't think the OP said he's 80, I think she said in his 80s. If he's 89 he came of age in the 50s and it wasn't free love at all. I came of age, if you mean 18, in 1971 and there was still a lot of disapproval of free love. There was a salvation army unmarried mother's home just round the corner from where I lived and I can assure you those girls suffered for their "sin" I used to hear them in the phonebox begging to be allowed to bring their baby home. From their sobs it was obvious what the answer was.

Coming of age was 21 in those days. You're probably too young to know that. And I did say that he was in his 80s, not 80 - if he was 85 now, he would have been 21 in 1961 - just before the Beatles arrived.

Many people on this site give the impression that those in their 80s & 90s lived in Victorian times - I'm trying to inject a bit of reality

MeAndTheDoggo · 01/12/2025 04:49

SunshineCatcher · 30/11/2025 20:41

My Mum died very unexpectedly, and then my Dad re married pretty quickly afterwards. He too said that he wouldn’t re marry as him and my Mum were married for such a long time. Unfortunately he died and everything was left to his wife. She brought practically nothing financially to the table. My Dad had a long and very well paid career. He said that he was going to trust her to leave me a third of the estate, and this would also be split with her 2 children from a previous marriage. She stopped speaking to me the minute Dad died. It’s obvious she has absolutely no intention whatsoever of leaving me anything. There’s no point letting it get to me as I want to enjoy my life. I really hope that it doesn’t happen to you too though.

That’s heartbreaking! You’re very strong to take the stance you have ❤️

TheignT · 01/12/2025 03:00

WhistPie · 30/11/2025 22:36

People in their 80s came of age in the swinging sixties. Free love and all that!

I don't think the OP said he's 80, I think she said in his 80s. If he's 89 he came of age in the 50s and it wasn't free love at all. I came of age, if you mean 18, in 1971 and there was still a lot of disapproval of free love. There was a salvation army unmarried mother's home just round the corner from where I lived and I can assure you those girls suffered for their "sin" I used to hear them in the phonebox begging to be allowed to bring their baby home. From their sobs it was obvious what the answer was.

TheignT · 01/12/2025 02:52

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 20:30

I’m not so sure of that. I know loads of people of this age that have lived with partners after a divorce or becoming widows. People who are 80 now were young in the 70s/80s it was hardly Victorian Britain ! Of course OP’s dad should ( and probably will) do what he wants though .

Well I'm 72 and I can assure shotgun weddings were very real, I attended a couple. Living together was disapproved of when I was late teens early 29s then it started to relax. Yes some people did it but it was very different to now and clearly to the 80 something year old marriage is important. It isn't for anyone else to tell him or his partner how they should feel.

Fends · 01/12/2025 00:08

Picklemysink · 30/11/2025 22:11

as a widow or widower you aren't just a vessel for the past, but a real person who also has to carry on living whilst carrying that bereavement

Beautifully put.
I've been disgusted by some of the responses here about there being "no need" to marry, as if the wants and wishes of the widow/widower are nothing.

Agree. As a parent I’ve arranged for “my half” of certain assets to be ringfenced for my kids. If you die before doing that then maybe you’re happy for your surviving spouse to decide.

Either way, good luck to this man and his future wife. Why would his offspring have any say in what he does with his assets?!

Tarteaucitronmerinquee · 30/11/2025 22:51

Tangerinenets · 30/11/2025 22:42

My eldest is disabled and will never be independent so obviously things will be put in place to take care of him. My other children are hardworking adults however it’s our choice to make sure their futures will be a little easier. Everything we do is for them. I don’t care how anyone else does it. This is something that is important to me and I’d be fuming if my husband ever put their inheritance at risk.

Same here. Our wishes are in place and if the one that remains is elderly and their discernment is a bit unbalanced due to that or just due to new found love( which I would certainly hope for for my DH) our kids inheritance is protected. It wont be huge but it’s what we’ve worked for.

Thechaseison71 · 30/11/2025 22:48

Tangerinenets · 30/11/2025 22:42

My eldest is disabled and will never be independent so obviously things will be put in place to take care of him. My other children are hardworking adults however it’s our choice to make sure their futures will be a little easier. Everything we do is for them. I don’t care how anyone else does it. This is something that is important to me and I’d be fuming if my husband ever put their inheritance at risk.

So have you made your own will so if you die first that your share of assets goes to your children?

TeenLifeMum · 30/11/2025 22:47

I get how hard it must be but I’d hate my dad to be lonely so I’d be supportive while asking him to get legal advice re his will.

mullers1977 · 30/11/2025 22:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Tangerinenets · 30/11/2025 22:42

HoskinsChoice · 30/11/2025 15:31

What's wrong with your kids? Why can't they look after themselves? We all look out for our kids and do the best for them but putting your life on hold for them is ridiculous unless there is a reason why the kids cannot fend for themselves. Mine will inherit from me but they don't need it. They're well adjusted, hard working young people who will successfully get through life financially whether they inherit or not. Inheritance is a bonus not a birthright.

My eldest is disabled and will never be independent so obviously things will be put in place to take care of him. My other children are hardworking adults however it’s our choice to make sure their futures will be a little easier. Everything we do is for them. I don’t care how anyone else does it. This is something that is important to me and I’d be fuming if my husband ever put their inheritance at risk.

StrikeForever · 30/11/2025 22:41

of course you are being (very) unreasonable. Your father was widowed 5-years-ago. He is entitled to be happy with someone else. It’s none of your business. Would it influence your decisions if he didn’t like your partner? Bloody hell, save us from entitled adult children.

echt · 30/11/2025 22:38

Doggielovelouie · 30/11/2025 21:23

I don’t know why people assume the women will always want to grab the money!

there is a way to do this legally so all are protected

Numerous threads on MN show the same attitude towards men.

WhistPie · 30/11/2025 22:36

People in their 80s came of age in the swinging sixties. Free love and all that!

PyongyangKipperbang · 30/11/2025 22:30

HighlyUnusual · 30/11/2025 21:57

@Younginside I am a widow and feel just the same. Life is for the living. Nothing wrong with having conversations about PoA and inheritances, I've had them with both my parents, one remarried, one not remarried, but more than anything I am happy that they have life partners again and are not sad and by themselves. I hope my children will think likewise and I will remarry if I want to, because as a widow or widower you aren't just a vessel for the past, but a real person who also has to carry on living whilst carrying that bereavement! I have secured my children's inheritances though, as that is also my life's work but it isn't connected with marrying per se. This thread has been an eye-opener, and not in a good way.

I think that a lot of people are coming to this from the POV of the mother. How would she feel if the money she worked and saved for her kids ended up going to the children of her husbands second wife? Given the statistics of women vastly outliving men, its more likely that he will go first.

I would be devastated to think that that would happen if it were me, which is one reason I have decided to never remarry.

That doesnt mean that no one should remarry after widowhood but that any assets left by the deceased spouse should be protected for their children. Sadly often love and trust are used instead of legal protection and sometimes that trust is abused (as evidenced on this thread). You have done the right thing by protecting your assets (and I am sure you know that any will is invalidated by marriage so would need to be updated), but many dont. As I said they trust that "X will look after you, dont worry" only for X to pass the money onto their own children and leave rightful heirs out.

As for feeling that she is conflicted about the marriage as she loves her dad but it would make her feel disloyal to her mum, well thats understandable. Perhaps if there was a better relationship with the new partner she would be more positive but if there is discord then its understandable that she would feel ambivalent about it.

Thechaseison71 · 30/11/2025 22:26

Enrichetta · 30/11/2025 17:20

This is precisely what many posters have been saying!

But OP’s dad needs to be made aware of what he needs to do. As it is he seems to be walking into marriage without considering the implications.

Those who consider her grabby for wanting to raise this clearly have not considered that the dead wife would almost certainly have wanted her share of marital assets to go to her children - rather than the children of a new wife.

Its what the OPs late mum should've done really