To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

My FIL went on holiday with another woman he worked with within 3 months of my darling MIL dying! It was so upsetting for my husband and I. She moved in within 4 months and he then married her 18 months later!

It might not be financially possible to immediately gift sums of money.

And there is nothing that says he isn’t planning on honouring his late wife’s wishes (by planning on writing a new will immediately after he marries) - OP hasn’t discussed it with him. She could bring it up and he could be horrified that she could think so bloody little of him.

ETA - OP isn’t being rational. This woman could already be in her father’s will getting everything, and could already have LPA. It doesn’t sound like she’s discussed either of these things with her father before. This is an emotional reaction to her father having a new wife.

Hi OP, I totally get where u r coming from.Some women are out for what they can get.
I wish your dad every happiness and hope he has the forsight to sort out his financial affairs.
You and your sibling are not being greedy or entitled at all.
Take care OP

I think you need to forget about the money aspect, unless he can ensure the house goes to you two. Make sure he sets up poa with you two covering health and finance.

This. My dad refused to marry the new lady because of inheritance laws but gave her a larger percentage of the house than she put in when they moved in together (eg she put in say 30% and he put in70% but they had it recorded as 50/50 in the deeds as tenants in common or whatever the phrase is.

He bought her a nice expensive solitaire engagement ring which she wore next to her wedding ring. She looked married. They were in their 60s. Nobody who didn’t know them from before would think they were unwed. Worked fine. Perhaps that would suit your dad too. Just wear the rings and nobody knows. Nowadays people don’t even routinely change their name.

The deal was that the last one left gets to stay there until they move out or die.

Over five years later she is still there. I will get my half in due course when she moves in with her adult child to care for her or into a care home or dies.

My dad did me a solid there. Im grateful.

Thank you for explaining the first bit - I couldn’t find the words other than men sometimes need women to express their feminine side!

caveat - if you die Imtestate spouse only gets 322k plus 50 percent of rest

This is why parents (if they want their children to benefit) should leave a fixed monetary amount or a % of their estate to their children and NOT just a spouse , in the HOPE that the spouse will ‘take care’ of children. If you want your children to benefit from your hard earned money - you MUST leave it to them , legally. Your spouse can do what they like after you die! Meet someone , change a will or become estranged from those children. If you want your children (of any age) to benefit you must make this known in your will. You cannot trust that the spouse you leave behind will be the same person a year, two years or ten years on from your death. They may not act in the best interests of YOUR children, even if they are joint children. A lot can happen , a lot can change from the time when you die and the time that your spouse dies. If you want to leave your children something, do it. The only one who can make sure your children get something after your death , is YOU. If you want to leave something to your children , do not let all of your assets pass to your spouse/ partner- they may not act in the way that you hope when the time comes.

I don’t see why people are making such a big deal of this.

At the end of the day, if you think your father shouldn’t leave anything to anyone else you should be objecting to him being in a relationship in the first place.

After all, he’s still entitled to change his will to leave his estate to this woman whether they’re married or not.

The only point at which marriage is going to make a difference is if he dies in testate. Then everything will go to her.

But he could write a will right now which leaves it all to her anyway. So marriage is a red herring, you’ve potentially already lost out.

Yes agree you can protect against it but I'm assuming OP's mother didn't

Good luck OP.

My husband died in 2016 and I'd take my dog to the beach through his golf club every day. The old couple that lived in a cottage in the grounds of his golf club befriended me, I saw them most days. They had both been married to different people for a long time then widowed. They met on a holiday in Tenerife in 2003, they shared a love of dancing. They were late eighties. She had moved up here from London to be with him at the age of 74.

The man had two adult children and a grandchild from his previous marriage, but when he died at Christmas 2023, his will left everything to his girlfriend. His adult children and grandson got nothing.

His girlfriend died in April this year. Her will dated January 2024 left everything to her four adult kids, her partner's children weren't mentioned. I'd felt sorry and always 'treated her' as she regularly said she didn't have any money - she left £325K.

Treachery! What absolute rot.

That’s not what I was meaning actually. However, now you’ve mentioned it, yes, I think op’s dad should live his life differently because he and his deceased spouse took a joint decision not to ensure their joint child inherited at least 50% of the estate. This is what I would do anyway. In fact the most efficient way to avoid inheritance tax is to pass things over is whilst you’re still alive. So inherit everything from your spouse then immediately gift part of the estate to your child(ren).

I don't actually think this is unusual. I'm sure there's been research showing that older widowers move on really quickly and get remarried really quickly.

I think some older men want a wife to look after them (it's a generational thing which is hopefully on its way out!) and some just struggle with the loss of identity of no longer being someone's husband. To you it's just a legal contact they don't need. But for some men, it's about getting their identity back, and feeling more normal is worth it to them.

And as the OP's partner is also no spring chicken, it's entirely possible she also has strong enough feelings about the label for the legal consequences to be secondary. Not being married is quite normal among younger generations. For most people in their 80s, being married is the sign of a committed relationship, and it feels weird having a boyfriend or girlfriend when you're definitely no longer a boy or a girl. Whether or not you agree, you can't make someone feel the way you'd like them to.

It's worth checking whether a man remarrying in this situation understands:

• The new wife will automatically be assumed to be the one making decisions re medical and funeral decisions. (Even if you have legal paperwork drawn up to say, actually, it's you, you'll have to override that and it might be too late.)
• If there's no will in place, the new wife will get everything.
• He might love his new wife and his children, but at this stage in life, he can't expect them to love each other. They're well past stepparent/stepchild ages. He needs to be clear with his wishes upfront rather than leave it to them to work it out after his death. That would just be cowardly and cruel.
• There may be implications over funding his care. The OP talks about health issues - is it more important to him to ensure his new wife is looked after, his kids are looked after, or that he gets his first choice of care home? It's not selfish to want to spend his and his first wife's accumulated wealth on ensuring his final days are as comfortable as possible.

If he knows the ramifications, if he's mentally fit... let him crack on. I'm of an age now where I will never be with someone for 50 years, so I can't imagine what it's like to suddenly be on your own after that length of time. If being someone's husband again is what makes him happy, I wouldn't want to get in the way of that.

Life is short. You take your happiness while you can.

It's likely you'll outlive your father. Think about how you'd like your last years together to be, and how you'd like his last years to be. The answer might well be with him married to this woman, and you spending time with her.

Having already lost a parent, you know all about grief, the what ifs and the regrets. If you fell out with your father over this and didn't speak to him again, what would that mean to you?

Yes, do think about what your mum would have wanted. But the casting vote goes to what your surviving parent wants. Because that's the parent who was left behind and is trying to find a way of coping.

PS My sincere condolences for your loss. I know it was 5 years ago, but it's a big loss, and I think anyone seeing a parent remarry would have all kinds of complicated feelings brought up in this situation. Be gentle with yourself, and be mindful you're not shoving all your feelings about everything up into a ball and chucking those around at any moving target.

No one makes their best decisions when they are struck by grief, and hearing about your dad getting a new wife is bound to make you have all kinds of thoughts about his first wife, and how much you miss her. I really am very sorry sorry you lost your mum, and didn't get the time you deserved to have with her.

Mirror wills don’t protect as they can be changed at any time - they are not locked into each other but two separate wills that reflect the same - either spouse can change at any time

he’s not being a traitor, he’s moving on with his life!

he needs a Will that honours his wishes

It's not 'her' inheritance. It's 'his' to do what he wants with.

Any will made before marriage is invalidated by a new marriage so no point in making one before if you then intend to marry

This happened to us. Although I get you wanting them to be happy it's not right when men literally do not respect their wives wishes and it's more common than you think. My FIL remarried at 65 within a year of MIL passing. His new wife got the whole lot and passed it on to her own children. I wouldn't want everything I've worked for going to random strangers so I think it a perfectly reasonable conversation. Ring fence your mum's inheritance to go to her own children and if he wants to leave the rest to new wives children and grand kids that's up to him.

Unfortunately, men and women are different. Men act like traitors and pretend it is not treachery. What your father is doing is treachery. To your mum's memory and to you as well - he could be with that woman without marrying her, doing a mirror will and leaving you without your mum's money.

No it doesn’t they get £322k then 50 percent of the rest shared with children - sometimes that can work out better!

There is more point to marriage than children

Worth remembering that marriage invalidates a previously written will. A lot of people don’t realise this or don’t get round to getting a new one drawn up and this is how all the horrible step family inheritance stories come about.

If you remarry your estate will automatically go to your new spouse, unless you specify otherwise.

You are right, absolutely right. I see people here castigate you over 'worrying about inheritance' and why should you not worry about your inheritance? This is something your mum and dad built together over the 50 years they had been together - why should some old gold-digger get half a penny from that? Why? The point of marriage is to have children, no other point in that - and they are not going to have children. Object to their marriage, tell him there is no need. If the old gold-digger insists, explain to your dad why she insists.
All the above is invalid if the old woman he wants to marry is independently rich.

The point of a will is to cover all eventualities. A good solicitor would ensure this.

Your father prob didn’t either - it’s very common for that generation of men to marry quickly - some are really lost without women due to the traditional divided roles - he probably didn’t realise how he would feel when your mum went

your dad can protect you if that’s what he wants to do by making an adequate will

I work in a sector which brings me into close contact with lots of elderly people, it’s very common for widowed men to move on very quickly after losing their wives, they just don’t seem to cope on their own very well. The elderly ladies I meet who are widowed seem to get their companionship from their female friends, not may of them remarry and are very content.
I would frame this to your Father that your concerns are based on who would be his next of kin, responsible for organising any future care needs etc rather then a money/estate point of view.
It is important that he considers who he would wish to decide care plans especially as his soon to be wife is a similar age.
I think the getting married is probably a generational thing, people of that generation are less likely to cohabit without being married first and perhaps they want to live together.
Loneliness and isolation in elderly people is so prevalent, I would try and be happy for him that he has found someone to spend his final years with.