Page 12 | To tell my elderly father that I do have objections to him marrying his partner he met 6 months after my mother died?

Perimomof2 · 2025-11-29T19:02:19+00:00

My mother died 5 years ago quite suddenly after a short illness. My dad was devastated, they’d been together 50+ years. But later the same year he announced that he’d met someone, similar age and also widowed. They have been together ever since, not exactly living together but they live close by so pretty much do everything as a couple. My sibling and I didn’t object, he was happy enough and had been clear from the start that he wouldn’t be moving in with her or vice versa and had no intention of marrying again. We don’t particularly like her (my DF has no idea, we include her in pretty much everything) but that’s our problem, not theirs. Fast forward 5 years, he asked me out of the blue if I had any objection to them marrying. I said I did. That it was something he said wouldn’t happen, and that if I gave them my blessing it would feel disrespectful to my DM’s memory. Was I wrong to say this? I’m concerned that if he marries his wife will have POA around health and finances and that his estate (house and savings which were accumulated jointly with my DM) will not pass solely to his two children but to his wife who his has known for a relatively short time and will subsequently be split with her children. For context, his estate is likely to be considerably larger than hers.

Enrichetta · 29/11/2025 21:01

All you can reasonably do is suggest that he seeks legal advice with a view to updating his will in anticipation of the marriage.

Chances are that he may not be aware…

of all the implications of remarrying
that marriage invalidates his current will

Hankunamatata · 29/11/2025 21:01

I think you were pretty awful telling him its disrespectful to his late wife's memory.

Ohthatsabitshit · 29/11/2025 21:00

Perhaps he is marrying her because he WANTS her to be the one who makes decisions about his health and welfare and funeral? After all she is his partner of many years and he presumably likes and loves her even if you don’t. It’s entirely possible he is worried you @Perimomof2 and your siblings don’t warm to her and will treat her badly if he dies first. His estate is his to leave as he pleases and for myself I would be happy if my husband found solace after I died. I would be very displeased if my children weren’t supportive of him finding a new partner though I do understand it might be upsetting.

BackToLurk · 29/11/2025 20:59

tartyflette · 29/11/2025 20:34

I certainly do. Our assets as a couple have mostly come from me (big redundancy payout plus inheriting half my late DM's estate) so I would be gutted if our DS didn't inherit.
I've said to my DH that it's fine if he takes up with some floozy after my death (big of me, I know😉) but DS, who is unlikely to be able to afford his own property as things stand should inherit it all, in due course. So have relationships by all means but please don't marry again, especially if floozy has children of her own.

It will at least give our DS worry-free middle years and security in later life. I also have no intention of ever remarrying should DH pre-decease me, there would be no need.
I came to this realisation when a close friend inherited all her stepfather's estate because he died before her DM and of course her DM then left the lot to her. Her stepfather had a son from a previous marriage but 'he didn't need the money, so that was OK,' according to my friend. It changed how I thought of her.

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Isn't that what trust wills are for?

Elsvieta · 29/11/2025 20:57

POA goes to whoever the person it's for chooses to give it to - they have to start the process and choose who will have POA and then the people they've nominated have to sign a form if they agree. You can have more than one person in order of priority - so someone might list their spouse and then a child and then a sibling, for example. Don't forget there's two kinds of POA.

It's the same with the wills - the person decides who they will leave things to, and it doesn't have to be their spouse. You can have arrangements like the spouse is entitled to stay in the house for life but then it goes to the kids. Or if he and the new wife become tenants in common then she can leave her half to who she wants and he can do the same. But don't forget marriage invalidates wills - he'll need to amend his will AFTER the marriage.

Dogstar78 · 29/11/2025 20:56

My Dad died last year. My mum was convinced she would go first. Next year they would have been married 60 years. When they made their will years ago, their home was put in trust, if one of them was to die. This means that 50% of my mum's home is owned by me and my sister. When my mum is gone the house is fully owned by me and my sister.

This arrangement is good for tax purposes and protects 50% of the value of the home if mum needed care.

All the cash and pensions passed to my mum, so she obviously has chosen where thos goes in her will.

Maybe you could discuss something like this with him? Ultimately your Dad has the last say, but this puts him in the driving seat to make decisions and you can have a sensible and fair conversation, that protects his assets now and in the future.

Can you be the other or your sister? You need donor PoA as well in case someone can't act.

My mum was convinced my Dad would do what your Dad has done and I tend to agree and am glad I have not had to be put in your position.

Original poster

Perimomof2 · 29/11/2025 20:55

EricTheGardener · 29/11/2025 20:46

If I'd read this a year ago I'd have probably said you were being unreasonable. But after what happened to my friend this year, I think you're perfectly justified.

When my best friend's mum died 6 years ago, her dad was destroyed - they were like a loved-up teenage couple despite being married 50 years and had never spent a night apart. So my friend was shellshocked when her dad introduced his new 'companion' 12 weeks later. She wanted to keep the peace so initially pretended to be happy for him but as time went on she started seeing so many red flags with this woman, who was only 2 years older than my friend. One of them being - my friend was due to buy her first home and her dad had long previously offered to help her with her deposit. When she found somewhere to buy and arranged to see a mortgage broker, her dad confessed that he could no longer help her as he had 'lent' his companion £70,000 (about two-thirds of his life savings, accumulated by both her dad AND her mum) to help her pay off her debts and settle an agreement with her ex-husband, so she could 'draw a line under the past'.

Fast forward to last September. Her dad is seriously ill and bedbound. His now wife (yes they got married after 8 months) is fiercely controlling access to visits, and even to phone calls, even though her dad told her to ignore his wife and she could visit whenever she wanted and he wanted to see her every day and for her to be there at the end. He dies in the first week of October. When my friend goes to the house a week later to discuss the funeral, his wife has eradicated all trace of him, saying she didn't want to 'dwell on the sadness' - his clothes, possessions, trinkets, papers, everything. Gone. The only thing left was a couple of packets of photos, with the bulk of their childhood years completely absent. She was devastated.

Anyway. The point of this rambling post. She then discovers that her dad changed his will in the last three weeks of his life. When he was bedbound. She doesn't know how. Presumably a solicitor came to the house. The previous arrangement, which her dad had explicitly told her when he married again, was that the house would be split between her and her sister eventually but his wife would have a 'lifetime interest' to live in it. Even that was pretty galling, as the wife is essentially the same age so every possibility my friend would never see a penny, but she accepted it. Now, the updated will states that the lifetime interest still exists, but when the house is eventually sold, the proceeds will be split into thirds - 33% to the wife, 33% to the wife's 2 children from her previous marriage and 33% to my friend and her sister. If the wife dies first, her 33% share passes directly to her children. And now, to cap it off, she (the wife) has met someone new, moved into his double-fronted, three-storey Victorian villa, and rather than sell the property so my friend and her sister could get their 16.6% share of the proceeds, she has rented it out for £2,350 per month (it's only a very modest 3-bed bungalow but we're in the south east). Pure profit, after any fees, as there's no mortgage. This income will be on top of his NHS spouse pension that she inherited.

She's so sad. She really thinks her dad was bullied under duress to change the will at the last minute but she's got no evidence or the energy/funds to fight it. And yes, it's partly about the money, but she keeps thinking about how utterly disappointed her mum would be at what's happened. That's what hurts her the most.

What a sad situation for your friend. Stories like this are what make me worry about my DF’s situation.

His partner owns her house and is relatively well off so is not a gold digger as such but if I were to not be involved in decisions around my DF’s health and wealth I would be devastated. I have known and loved him dearly my entire life, she has known him for a fraction of that time.

OP posts:

Vartden · 29/11/2025 20:55

CheeseIsMyIdol · 29/11/2025 20:51

He asked. Nothing wrong with your honest opinion.

And realistically if he dies first, her kids, not you, will end up with the fruits of your parents’ lifetime of labour. That would be galling.

Why do they feel the need to marry?

You can write your wills so that it makes it impossible for a new wife to inherit a deceased wifes half. Its held in trust for her children. It costs more than a mirror will.

Advocodo · 29/11/2025 20:53

I think you have every right to be upset and I would be too. My mum died suddenly but my father was never interested in meeting anyone else. They had met at aged 14. I do feel though that after 5 years getting married again is a respectable amount of time. However not sure why they need to marry unless it is for her to be taken care of financially.

BadgernTheGarden · 29/11/2025 20:53

I would hope you are more worried about his happiness then your inheritance. Get him to make sure you are well cared for in his will.

CheeseIsMyIdol · 29/11/2025 20:51

He asked. Nothing wrong with your honest opinion.

And realistically if he dies first, her kids, not you, will end up with the fruits of your parents’ lifetime of labour. That would be galling.

Why do they feel the need to marry?

Birdh0use · 29/11/2025 20:49

Your points about power of attorney and inheritance are not correct. Married or not, he has every right to give them to who he wishes.

Original poster

Perimomof2 · 29/11/2025 20:47

Kikogub · 29/11/2025 20:08

Out of interest, how long had he known your mother before marrying her? Longer than 5 years, I'd assume by your assertion that 5 years is a short amount of time. Granted, by today's standards it is. Has your father made a will already? If so, marriage changes nothing. If your father hasn't made a will get, it would be prudent for him to do so - not for your sake but his own.

Your wording, incidentally, does lead to the following summary:
You don't object to your father's relationship as long as he doesn't marry, however remarrying is an insult to your mother's memory, and you're concerned about your inheritance.

My mother died several years ago. I'd be absolutely delighted if my father, who works hard and lives by himself, managed to find someone new as my mother insisted he do before she died. Would I be happy if he remarried? I couldn't honestly say, however he's made his will, and he's stated that it will NOT change, no matter what his circumstances. In point of fact, that doesn't actually matter to me at all. The only concern I gave him was how often I'd see him if he started seeing someone else, as I don't want to lose him at all, it's one of my biggest fears which I know will one day be realised. I wonder if your mother would want him to move on with his life or if she, too, would prefer he lives a lonely existence just to protect your inheritance. (This part of my response is based on the wording of your post, on which more emphasis, I felt, was placed on inheritance than your mother.)

However, you're not wholly wrong to be concerned, depending on your father's state of mind.

I presume your father has his wits about him, in which case the tale I am about to impart shouldn't matter, but...

A friend of mine's father wound up in hospital. By all accounts, it seemed he was completely compos mentis, however his nurse somehow convinced him to get a divorce. She then somehow managed to convince him to marry her. And then she somehow managed to get him to either change or destroy his will. This was within the space of six months. He died a short time after this, leaving his wife of 30+ years and his son with nothing, and there was nothing they could do about it because he had appeared to be compos mentis.

Now, an additional question for you: you say your sibling and you don't like her. Have you thought about why that might be? You've given the excuse to your father about ultimately being disrespectful to the memory of your mother. Is that the basis of this dislike? Or is there more to it which has nothing whatsoever to do with your mother? Might it be the way she speaks, the way she carries herself, the fact she's nothing like your mother?

My parents were courting (their words, not mine!) for several years before marriage (possibly around 5 or 6) then married for 5 years before having children.

My DM and DF have mirror wills, leaving to each other and then to my sibling and me.

I feel that giving my blessing is disrespectful to my DM’s memory as they were married for so long and she died so suddenly.

my DF very much has his wits but prior to DM’s death had no involvement in the finances and generally keeping the house. Despite support from us, he struggled to pick this all up and this is likely a contributing factor to the speed with which he started his new relationship.

Without being too outing, we don’t find her at all interesting. She doesn’t do much, or go anywhere. Has no sense of humour. And yes, in all honesty she is nothing like my DM.

OP posts:

EricTheGardener · 29/11/2025 20:46

If I'd read this a year ago I'd have probably said you were being unreasonable. But after what happened to my friend this year, I think you're perfectly justified.

When my best friend's mum died 6 years ago, her dad was destroyed - they were like a loved-up teenage couple despite being married 50 years and had never spent a night apart. So my friend was shellshocked when her dad introduced his new 'companion' 12 weeks later. She wanted to keep the peace so initially pretended to be happy for him but as time went on she started seeing so many red flags with this woman, who was only 2 years older than my friend. One of them being - my friend was due to buy her first home and her dad had long previously offered to help her with her deposit. When she found somewhere to buy and arranged to see a mortgage broker, her dad confessed that he could no longer help her as he had 'lent' his companion £70,000 (about two-thirds of his life savings, accumulated by both her dad AND her mum) to help her pay off her debts and settle an agreement with her ex-husband, so she could 'draw a line under the past'.

Fast forward to last September. Her dad is seriously ill and bedbound. His now wife (yes they got married after 8 months) is fiercely controlling access to visits, and even to phone calls, even though her dad told her to ignore his wife and she could visit whenever she wanted and he wanted to see her every day and for her to be there at the end. He dies in the first week of October. When my friend goes to the house a week later to discuss the funeral, his wife has eradicated all trace of him, saying she didn't want to 'dwell on the sadness' - his clothes, possessions, trinkets, papers, everything. Gone. The only thing left was a couple of packets of photos, with the bulk of their childhood years completely absent. She was devastated.

Anyway. The point of this rambling post. She then discovers that her dad changed his will in the last three weeks of his life. When he was bedbound. She doesn't know how. Presumably a solicitor came to the house. The previous arrangement, which her dad had explicitly told her when he married again, was that the house would be split between her and her sister eventually but his wife would have a 'lifetime interest' to live in it. Even that was pretty galling, as the wife is essentially the same age so every possibility my friend would never see a penny, but she accepted it. Now, the updated will states that the lifetime interest still exists, but when the house is eventually sold, the proceeds will be split into thirds - 33% to the wife, 33% to the wife's 2 children from her previous marriage and 33% to my friend and her sister. If the wife dies first, her 33% share passes directly to her children. And now, to cap it off, she (the wife) has met someone new, moved into his double-fronted, three-storey Victorian villa, and rather than sell the property so my friend and her sister could get their 16.6% share of the proceeds, she has rented it out for £2,350 per month (it's only a very modest 3-bed bungalow but we're in the south east). Pure profit, after any fees, as there's no mortgage. This income will be on top of his NHS spouse pension that she inherited.

She's so sad. She really thinks her dad was bullied under duress to change the will at the last minute but she's got no evidence or the energy/funds to fight it. And yes, it's partly about the money, but she keeps thinking about how utterly disappointed her mum would be at what's happened. That's what hurts her the most.

Horserider5678 · 29/11/2025 20:45

Perimomof2 · 29/11/2025 19:15

Thank you, and yes, I plan to talk to him about the inheritance worries. In all honesty I’m not sure he has thought through the possible implications for the family but my sibling and I will talk to him about the options and look at legal advice.

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So you don’t really care about your father, you’re only interested in what you may not inherit! If he went into a care home eventually your inheritance would be gone!

unrsnblyannoyd · 29/11/2025 20:45

OP, whether he marries or not won’t make any difference to his new partner being able to make health decisions. Power of Attorney is a legal process entirely separate to marriage. If your Dad has mental capacity to make a health decision he will be the decision-maker, if he lacks it (capacity is time and decision specific) a best interest decision would be made by the health or social care professional who has a legal responsibility to consult with all relevant persons so that would include you and his new partner. If he arranges a PoA it will be whoever he gives those decision making powers to who would be the decision maker for anything he can’t decide himself. The person appointed still has to act in his best interests and in consultation with others who are important to him. I’m not sure if you are, but lots of people get PoA (power of attorney) mixed up with next of kin - NoK has no legal standing in health. I hope that allays some of your health based concerns.
In terms of finances there are lots of ways he can protect your inheritance, the most simple one being a clearly written will. If this is the root of your objection then I think you’re right to talk with him openly and honestly about it and your understanding of your Mum’s wishes.
as to whether it’s disrespectful to your Mum for them to marry, none of us can answer that. I would recommend trying to consider what your Mum would say if she were able.

Advocodo · 29/11/2025 20:44

Perimomof2 · 29/11/2025 19:54

Thank you. I expected to be roasted and accused of being after the money so no surprise there! I do have concerns that our family could be pushed out of any decision making which would be devastating.

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When my FIL died my husband was not consulted at all about the funeral service or his ashes. I find that upsetting cos he was my husband’s dad for 50+ years and the new wife for only 20 years.

PauliesWalnuts · 29/11/2025 20:44

ultracynic · 29/11/2025 19:54

I don’t know why people get all uppity about this.

Say you’re a mum and you’ve worked hard to build a nice home life and future for your children, then you drop dead and your husband remarries… would you honestly be happy that the new wife got all your hard earned assets and your own kids got nothing?

I’d haunt the bastards.

Agree - my mum died of cancer at 53 and her worst fear was that my dad would remarry and her money would go to a new wife. He never remarried but I understand her worries. My dad earned more but was crap at maths and my mum very carefully managed the family money including a sizeable redundancy package he’d been given after 35 years working for the same national newspaper. All the money he had was down to her and she’d have been devastated if her kids had lost out.

GrooveArmada · 29/11/2025 20:42

For crying out loud. You do realise a will could be drafted and trusts set up so the children still inherit and not the new wife? This can all be sorted legally if it's your dad's wish to do so. If it's not, he can do what he wants with his estate. I think it's extremely unreasonable of you to put him in this position emotionally. His money and estate are not yours and he can do whatever he wants with his life and assets. He doesn't owe you anything and it sounds like he's very considerate he even asked your opinion five years on (!). YABU.

Echobelly · 29/11/2025 20:42

YABU - My late gradfather met someone else less than a year after DGM, who he adored, died and honestly we were all delighted; they married abour 2 years later. She was widowed around the same time and needed someone to look after, he needed someone to look after him as he'd gone straight from home, to army, to being married. I don't think you can be against a marriage because of seeing it as 'disrespect' after 5 while years, that is more than enough time, even if they met soon after.

My grandfather was always very mindful of his estate and made sure that she could live in their home while she is alive, but that it will be sold if she moves into care or dies and the proceeds go to family as I understand it (step grandma has resources of her own from the sale of her own house), I think TBH my dad has been a bit resentful because she's needed care for the last 2 years but I think the rest of us feel she gave my grandfather 25 happy years and she earned it. May be easier for us though because we do like her.

Doggielovelouie · 29/11/2025 20:41

Yes this and then say your mum assumed you would inherit becuase he wouldn’t remarry but now he is you want to talk with him about her wishes

Ohpleeeease · 29/11/2025 20:40

Rosscameasdoody · 29/11/2025 20:35

Yes. Marriage automatically revokes any existing will and the advice is to make a new one as soon as possible after marrying.

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This is quite a good opener actually OP.
He might not realise this.

I think you’ve rather shot yourself in the foot though by not giving your blessing. You would do better to say you’ve had time to think about things and you want what makes him happy. And then broach the subject of what he intends doing about making a new will as the old one will be voided on his marriage.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/11/2025 20:39

caringcarer · 29/11/2025 20:38

No reason he can't marry new wife and make a will after stating 75 percent of assets to go to his 2 DC and 25 percent to his new wife.

He would have to make a new will if this is what he wants because on marrying any existing will would be automatically revoked, and if he didn’t make a new one his estate would be distributed as though he died intestate.

Rosscameasdoody · 29/11/2025 20:38

AnyoneWhoHasAHeart · 29/11/2025 20:21

I don’t see why people are making such a big deal of this.

At the end of the day, if you think your father shouldn’t leave anything to anyone else you should be objecting to him being in a relationship in the first place.

After all, he’s still entitled to change his will to leave his estate to this woman whether they’re married or not.

The only point at which marriage is going to make a difference is if he dies in testate. Then everything will go to her.

But he could write a will right now which leaves it all to her anyway. So marriage is a red herring, you’ve potentially already lost out.

Marriage is absolutely not a red herring. In the UK any existing wills are legally automatically revoked on marriage and the advice is to make a new one as soon as possible after marrying. And if her father is of sound mind, OP can object all she wants to him being in a relationship - won’t make a jot of difference.

caringcarer · 29/11/2025 20:38

No reason he can't marry new wife and make a will after stating 75 percent of assets to go to his 2 DC and 25 percent to his new wife.