Dh won't let me follow his strava , I think he is secretly training for a marathon,. Should I enter too?

that

The OP is very careful to avoid any question asking her WHY he would need to hide Strava, when he's not even hiding his actual running?

Sounds like he's trying to avoid a controlling wife

The whole thing sounds exhausting

let’s be honest if OP did want to enter this marathon she would of if she enters now it’s just tit for tat

might be wrong but to me the guy wants a quiet life so that’s why he hasn’t said anything

I'm not sure why you said "but" as you seem to be agreeing with me that the OP is also unreasonable! Her main issue seems to be a petty "it's MY day off and he hasn't checked with me first", especially when she's said they do have access to someone who could babysit. Not the training in the run up as some have said. He can do his weekly long run on his Saturdays.

But it's grossly, grossly unfair for their childcare arrangements to be set up in such a way that one partner can access events that they both want to attend, whilst the other partner has to miss out or beg for permission. The "Premium" days (ones where these events take place) need to be shared equally between them.

OP says she thinks as an "us". So what is she doing to ensure her DH has access to his half of these Premium desireable days (without having to beg for permission from a controlling partner?)

Haven't read the whole thread, but this post nails it

Its hard to get a sense of who is wrong and who is right on this thread, feels like many shades of grey.

DH added me on Strava so I can see his runs, he is uber competitive and loves talking about his achievements. I am a lot slower than him and frankly don’t want people to see or comment on my times, so I am not on it. DH also started doing parkrun because I do it and it’s hard not to let it suck out the joy when he complains about his slow times and he is at least 10-15 minutes faster than me. So I get the potential motivation for keeping things quiet.
But sneaking in runs by taking time off work and entering into a race in secret or at the last minute is deceitful when you have young DCs and spare time is in short supply.
Whatever the truth of it, it sounds like a deeply unhappy marriage.

A marathon takes serious commitment - 3/4 hour training runs once a week in the later stages then a copule more here and there per week, with strength sessions built in too. You can’t just opt for either a half or full on a whim.

Either sign up for the full marathon and let him know you’re training for it (it’ll be obvious anyways from the amount of running you’ll be doing in the weeks before it) or don’t.

Sounds like you’re taking the same approach to the 10k he did behind your back but this distance is a whole new ball game.

Because training for your first marathon requires a significant commitment several times a week in the run up to the event. Long runs will start at around 10 miles, going up to 20 in the weeks beforehand. Since the OP and her husband sound new to long distance running, that would be likely be starting at 4/5 hours each week on running alone,plus ideally a strength training session as well to help prevent injury.

Basically they'd need to have a discussion about what early mornings, evenings and weekends look like in terms of dividing childcare for 6 months before the event itself.

I'm a bit baffled by all of this tbh - as a parent of young children myself the conversation would go like this. "Hey DH, I've been progressing in my running recently and would like a challenge, so I'm thinking of booking a 1/2 marathon on this date, you ok to do childcare that day?" If yes, great, book it, it goes in the diary and he's committed to doing the childcare. If he says "oh interesting, I'm thinking of doing the same" then also fine, we find childcare for the weekend and then book the event.

Why are you making all this so hard, it really doesn't need to be

Just sign up for the bloody race, tell him you have, and get On with your training. Save yourself and us all this bloody angst and hand wringing.

The pair of you sound ridiculous. And, as a PP said, like you don’t even like each other.

It's impossible for us to know what's actually happening here. Maybe he's being deceitful for nefarious reasons. Maybe he just wants something of his own and feels that you've taken up his hobby as just another way to insist that he has no time alone or no sole interests.

I agree with this op.

I also have a feeling you suspect there might be another woman involved. It is possible, but also bear in mind people can become sneaky and deceptive for other reasons, such as outpacing someone they feel is claustrophobically controlling. For me the answer to that might be signalled in the "other deceptive" behaviour you refer to.

DS is a runner, DH used to run but doesn’t anymore, he’s run London a couple of times. I’m a team manager at DS’s athletics club, so whilst I don’t run myself, I’m pretty immersed in running. There are events pretty much every single weekend if you want to find one, I can’t understand why you can’t both do different events for childcare reasons. It may mean one of you has to travel, I drive DS all round the country for events, (often meaning overnight stays), but it’s what you do if you’re a runner. Talk to your DH, ask him outright if he’s planning on doing X event and tell him you’ll look after DC for that one, can he please look after DC for Y event which you’d like to do. If that means you need an overnight stay somewhere, he’ll need to look after DC whilst you’re away. It really shouldn’t be this difficult!

And these two traits actually fuel each other in a negative cycle: the sneakier he is, the more insecure you become so the more you seek to control, and the more you seek to control, the sneakier he will become.

This is all super strange
if you two really can’t have an honest conversation, if you really want to do it yourself then sign yourself up and book it in the family diary
in our house whoever physically puts it in the diary first get to do whatever it is and the other either stays at home or organises childcare
It sounds like in theory both of you could do it, though it sounds like training together won’t work out

Ps I ran my first marathon last month. It was an enormous undertaking and I’d have really struggled with it if my kids were young, luckily my dh was very supportive (as long as I don’t do another one next year 🤪)

Glad I am not the only one who finds this odd!

Why do you think he’s trying to keep this part of his life separate from you? Have you asked him?

What is this madness I've just read?! I don't even know how you can function as a married couple with this level of batshittery. This is not a normal marriage OP - why would either of you need to go to this much effort to upset/ lie to each other over a very normal thing? I'm so confused.

I think there is a communication problem, but it lies with the DH, not the OP.

They’ve obviously devised a system that should work to keep things fair over the years - a calendar and each partner is “default” childcare for one weekend day. That isn’t not liking their children or “playing it” or being exhausting, it’s a way of making sure that each person knows where they stand and that it is fair.

We also see people on here complaining about being the default parent, and nobody wants to be that.

OP - I think the idea of just booking it yourself and letting him know is a good one, if you want to do it. He can cheer you on and his friend with this kids at the same time!

I run. DH runs.

DH would really like to share it as a hobby and occasionally, we do go for a run together but I have no interest in sharing any of my times or training with him. It is my own thing and my personal space. DH doesn't actually mind this at all and if I wanted to do a 10k, I know he wouldn't mind spending that hour with our DC. They're his DC as well after all.

It's impossible for us to know what's actually happening here. Maybe he's being deceitful for nefarious reasons. Maybe he just wants something of his own and feels that you've taken up his hobby as just another way to insist that he has no time alone or no sole interests.

You sound exhausting

I think your H’s behaviour is utterly self absorbed. DH and I don’t ask for permission to do something but we have certainly always checked that it works for the other person because we have kids/pets to look after.

Sometimes one of us has forgotten to add to the calendar or something non-negotiable happens that clashes and we have to rearrange between us via discussion.

It’s ridiculous that he’s so secretive over it.

I think you have bigger problems than whether or not you can do this marathon. The entire marriage sounds pretty toxic to me. You've resorted to playing silly mind games instead of communicating with each other.

I think it's probably time to call it quits. What's your financial situation like? Can you manage on your own?

Your marriage is a mess. He's sneaky and you're controlling. You both need to communicate better.

It really sounds as though you both need to work on communicating here, and he needs to recognise that you are not the default parent to dump things on last minute, nor can he hide things from you with no consequences.

There's a tone in this thread, and your previous one, that because he does something it takes away from your ability to do it - and with communication and organisation that really shouldn't be the case. There's also a bit of a tone that you're put out he's been keeping his hobby to himself, or sharing with others rather than you. I suspect its because of this transactional idea that one person is taking from the other. Like he's secretly bettering his health and fitness and you're not part of that journey.

If you don't trust him then leave. If you want to work through it then take responsibility for the part you play in open communication and let him know he has to do the same, plus he has to ensure you are both equally getting a chance to carve out space for your interests for the relationship to work. Either way, you need to speak to each other.