Brother-in-Law’s new baby

If the in-laws and the daughter are not close, then I guess she doesn’t want to be in the photo either?

You have to read the previous threads, some of the details there are quite odd and stuck in my memory. Someone got the piss ripped for saying granny to the wrong person. Then you have OP who can't accept them making any distinction between DD1 and DD2 at all. These are not attitudes that are conducive to finding a middle ground.

I agree about the in laws vs DD bio family double standard. OP would do well to save more of her ire for DD1s paternal side.

A lot of comments on this thread make me very happy that my in-laws have completely embraced my 2 older children despite them not being blood relatives. We are all family. My husband and I have since had a child together and our youngest is my in-laws only biological grandchild. Nothing has changed at all. They still refer to the children as “our grandson” and “our oldest/youngest granddaughter”. I accept that not everyone is as lucky as us but it’s a shame.

Their position really isn’t extreme at all, or one that has ever changed. Even OP has said that they treat her daughter kindly, they just don’t consider her a grandchild because she isn’t one. Her own husband doesn’t consider her eldest his daughter, either.

That OP’s husband and her eldest don’t have a father and daughter relationship is apparently fine though, it’s just her in laws that she wants to hold to a completely different standard.

Thats good to hear, im glad! Im speaking as a woman myself and putting myself in the situation in comparison to how my husband is , when we have to do family stuff with my lot. Sorry I wasn't trying to speak on behalf of all women in the world. Apologies for this, but I dont think my opinion is completely out there!

It does, and I wonder if they're not making each other worse. Whilst also having started at fairly extreme positions!

Round and around and around…

What’s a family? Everyone has their own definition. Nobody can include someone against their will, nobody can be obliged to include someone against their will. Just like nobody gets to tell you who your friends are.

Is it “nasty” behaviour for an adult to exclude a child from their definition of family? No, or maybe, or yes. Everyone will decide for themselves how much responsibility they want to take for any given child, depending on whatever factors they want to take into account.

The only thing that’s definite is that the main “loser” in this situation is the child in question. As I’ve said on every thread from this OP: she alone was responsible for bringing her daughter into this family. She CHOSE this family for her daughter. This family didn’t force the DH to marry her, DH didn’t frogmarch her down the aisle and forge her signature on the register: OP chose to marry him and into his family.

This is on OP and nobody else. The OP has brought this unto her daughter. Nobody else.

Sadly based on previous threads, that’s exactly what’s happened.

This situation sounds like a horrendous combination of unkind, thoughtless stubborn in laws and a self absorbed mum who is completely stuck in casting herself and her daughter as victims, instead of coming to terms with and managing this difficult situation as gracefully as possible for her daughters sake.

She posts multiple threads where she’s upset about the latest thing they’ve done that excludes her and her daughter, and ignores all the advice anyone offers. It’s really sad. The in-laws aren’t very nice, but the older girl would be fine if her mum handled it better.

While I can see this hurts you, I think you might just have to let it go.

I have DS who’s 7 and DH has been his dad since 6 months old. DH treats him the exact same as he treats his two previous children and our two joint children. But I do not mind in the least if his family want pictures of the children without DH. Should we ever divorce he has no legal ties to my son, though I doubt it would go that way even if we did split. I think you’ll drive yourself mad trying to control this.

OP you post versions of this over and over again.

The summer party where an in law tried to get a pic of your youngest with her cousins. The time your oldest had a hospital appointment and the in-laws got pizza and had relatives round while looking after your youngest.

You won't get any different answers this time.

I agree. Being kind and inclusive doesn’t cost money.

Your eldest isn't a blood relative.
Shes your daughter and that's fine you have your opinions but don't dictate. Plus its siblings on. You're being weird and controlling. Don't let youngest miss out. That is her paternal grandmother. Not your eldest.

Agree!! Not a family I’d want to be part of. I’d prefer kind people with big hearts any day 🩷

I agree that photo for Mil should be of her actual grandchildren. Your daughter has her own grandparents.

People. Women mostly. Need to stop marrying men and expecting their families to pick up the pieces of their first failed shit head baby daddy.

I say that as a child with a shit head sperm donor.

My siblings family are nice and polite and gave gifts and such but they are not my family. What they did was because they wanted to. Not because me or my mother made demands and had expectations that even my donor didn’t bother to live up to. Blame the shit head daddies and his family who cnba not the people who are not even related to you. Expecting more of a new man’s family than your own child’s smh.

💐💐

I cant be spending my evening arguing with people who think excluding a girl and her mum from family photos as she isnt biologically related, despite being raised alongside her younger siblings is fine and dandy 🙄🙄🙄

Yabu

Op, stand up and leave this shithead of a man. Choose your daughter and show her that noone has any business excluding her. I said this on your last thread. 🙄🙄

No it’s not.

A grandchild isn’t a child that’s parents marry in unless you decide to accept them as such. The only person that decided that child is family is the person who married them. They don’t make decisions for the entire family. Also as seen on here often the person marrying the mother doesn’t really see the child as family either more a something they have to accept to marry the women.

Well thats your business tbh

That is completely different to this circumstance and you know it. This little girl was there before the other kids came along and has been raised alongside them

To exclude her and deny her as your own is fucking nasty and I judge anyone who thinks its fine

This was pretty much my life growing up.

I think it helps when the step child knows that they are not a replacement family more a nice add on.

Problems start when normally mothers let their children have expectations of people who are not their family often while letting the biological family off Scott free.

If they are a family. If the kids are round all of the time and families are enmeshed then yeah. This likely wouldnt happen, as youd probably be joining a family that already has 5 kids rather than them joining yours

But in this circumstance, the girl is joining an already established family, with her mum, and was there before the other kids came along

To exclude her is pointedly nasty

He was with each one for a number of years. I know all of their names and have met each child. Even the ones that came after they broke up as they are my neices siblings.

But none of them view me or my mum as family, and we don’t view them as such. They have their own family on their mum and dads side. I think they’d be a bit creeped out if my mum insisted they were her grandchildren.

Just because you choose to blend families doesn’t mean that your family have to adopt the SC. As you can see, it can get very messy and sad as when relationships end you’d end up losing the family member you’ve been told you must embrace as your own. It’s more realistic to just stop trying to control extended families. People will do what they want to do.

Woman here. Couldn’t give less of a fuck if my husband’s family include me or not. I’m dating him, not the rest of his family.

Life doesn't work this way. People are of their own minds.

I can understand why some don't want to accept random children, acquired through marriage, as their grandchildren.

You saying they should, saying end of, and calling folk psychologically unwell, doesn't make it happen.

Anyway, you seem to be looking for a fight. I am able to see both sides without resorting to name calling.

So a bloke can have a baby with someone who already has five kids and suddenly his mother finds herself a grandmother of six not a grandmother of one?