To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

As you also have epilepsy I’m shocked you were turned down for support.

Could you learn to drive? It would be useful if either one of you could, but doesn't have to be your husband.

Ah neither of you drive. This is the problem then

The club is not compulsory. Is there a field that the other two could run around in? Getting them tied and hungry?

When I take my eldest to tutoring for two hours. Me and my youngest either wonder around town, spend time in the library or go to a park. I heard glowing review from a family member about how her son caught up with school work by attending this particular center. Her son has similar traits to ds2. It has made a big difference, in his education. So we still continue on with it two and a half year later.

Hanging around at kids clubs is just one of the pitfalls of parenting I'm afraid. Take a book and a thermos.

I tutor a 14yo girl for maths on a Friday evening. I tutored her some years ago, when she was primary age. So when they were looking for tutoring again, they reached out to me. Unfortunately, I've since moved to the other side of town since I last worked with them, and wasn't willing to travel personally...
Well, the dad drops her off at my house (I live a good 25 mins away) and picks her up an hour later. According to the DD, he goes home in the meantime! He must have literally 5-10 minutes at home before he has to drive back again! Rather him than me, but they seem content with the arrangement!

Your DH can't take him after a night shift this is a recipe for disaster he could crash the car!! If it's too much find an alternative within a walking distance

An 8yr old doesn’t need to go to clubs. My autistic DS is an older teen but has never attended any clubs, partly due to our rural location and partly due to the lack of non sports based clubs available.

This comment is absolutely awful. 8 year olds absolutely do need clubs. Any 8 year old would love and benefit from this. Thats fine if you didnt take your kids im not judging but do not begrudge this child an activity that may well be doing them the world of good. Dont put your own situation onto someone else and try to stop someone from doing something good for their child.

Is 4 miles a long way on a bus? Out nearest town is 4 miles away and it is around 15 mins.

Surely this is just part of parenthood? Facilitating our kids in finding themselves until they can do it themselves?

And are you claiming all dla pip etc so you can use that towards taxis? And use dla towards dh driving lessons

Are ypu under ss children with disabilities?
You might be able to get an assesment and seek support for your ds to be taken there and back.
Your epilepsy needs can be taken into acvount.

Maybe speak to the coach and he could ask other families if they live nearby and could offer a list. Given your reason for not driving they may be amenable

I think your DH is more inconvenienced than you are by having to stay up with the other DC after a night shift. Whereas you just seem to get bored having to hang out at the club.

In the meantime I would take a book, ipad, anything to distract you while your DC is at his club and also look for something that he can do closer to home. I also think both you and your DH should start driving lessons as that will make things a lot easier.

Is there another family living nearby who you could share transport with? You take the kids on the bus (which is generally an adventure for kids that age who usually go everywhere by car), you come home so DH can go to bed and the other parents do pick up and drop DS at home?

Bring your laptop or phone, or a book, or your knitting, or even a sketch pad and some watercolours, and use it as your hobby time.

Take a book. Find something you enjoy for the 1.5 hours so you get a bit of time back for yourself. Sounds like your son needs something like this.

Does ADHD actually have anything to do with this? As @Orangine said, no one thinks they’d love to sit in a car or at the side of a ballet class or whatever but it is part of having children.

I am sympathetic to the DH though as I don’t think it’s like working all day - night shifts are brutal - but I would try to keep your DS going if possible, even if that means calling on family for backup.

Yes also agree about the night shifts being worse for health but even without that, finishing at say 6am and still being up at 2pm is like finishing work at 6pm and going to bed at 2am, then having to get up in three hours' time for a full shift the next day.

I haven't done them but I know people who do and I have so much respect for them! Particularly when they try and juggle it with children!

With all due respect you have obviously never done night shifts. I did them for years and the sleep is totally different with your body clock.
You can't change hundreds of thousands of years of how nature has developed the body and it's sleep needs. People who do nights are at higher risk of on going health problems far more than normal workers.

I'm really.leaning towards you getting a taxi and getting all the kids to come. That way your DH gets a quiet house and some proper sleep.
Could any of the other children sign up to do the activity too?

I understand you have the other kids at home but if your mum is willing to babysit id keep at it for your son, take an drink with you and even sit scrolling on your phone means you are having time to yourself,

I used to take one of mine to a Saturday activity on public transport there wasn't much to do i took a book or magazine and just sat for 90 minutes.

Is a taxi an option? DLA is awarded for these kinds of additional costs resulting from disability.

In your situation, if a taxi was viable, I'd take all the kids and find something for them to do and I'd suck up the waiting around. How old are they?

Would a taxi or uber be affordable? Even if just one way and the bus the other way