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AIBU?

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Original poster

To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

209 replies

Acc0untd3tails · 29/11/2025 09:26

I've got 3 DC two of which have special needs.

6 weeks ago I enrolled DS (my eldest - 8) in an activity club which takes place on Saturdays, it was suggested by his teacher as something he'd enjoy and he does.

The problem is it's 4 miles each way and I don't drive due to epilepsy so I'm reliant on the bus. The club lasts 1.5 hours and is in a semi remote location, so i don't have enough time to go and do anything productive I just sort of hang around waiting for time to pass.

Also, in order to do this with DS his dad needs to stay up until around 2pm after a night shift to have our other two, whilst due to work again that night. Or my mum has to travel over to have them and she lives even further away.

I've started to dread going. I have ADHD myself which might have something to do with it, aimlessly standing around drives me nuts.

I feel bad but it just isn't working for us.

Would you continue with this club?

YABU - yes
YANBU - no

OP posts:
Coffeeishot · 29/11/2025 12:49

RampantIvy · 29/11/2025 12:34

Maybe the bus times don't sync very well with the activity times?

We only have one bus an hour where we live and one train an hour.

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This is fair,

Blisterinthe · 29/11/2025 12:48

I forgot to add, you need to tell us how long you’re gone for in total so we can actually give you any advise.
My son plays ice hockey in a very cold rink and I see parents with siblings there all the time hanging out for hours. I for one love taking him and just chatting with the other parents, going for a run in nice weather, reading a book, catching up on uni work…

Bruisername · 29/11/2025 12:47

StewkeyBlue · 29/11/2025 12:44

Her DH would still have to stay up 4 hours after his normal bed time after a night shift.

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Not if she takes them all with her and does something with the younger two.

PullTheBricksDown · 29/11/2025 12:46

StewkeyBlue · 29/11/2025 12:43

It does have to be her DH.

Have a re-read of the OP.

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My bad, missed the epilepsy

MeganM3 · 29/11/2025 12:45

3 kids and no parent who can drive a car sounds very difficult. Long term DH should learn to drive and prioritise that so that kids have more opportunities and the family is under less stress overall by being reliant on buses. If you lived in a city that would be different but semi-rural living requires a driver.

StewkeyBlue · 29/11/2025 12:44

Bruisername · 29/11/2025 12:41

But op has said money isn’t an issue so taxis are ok

Her DH would still have to stay up 4 hours after his normal bed time after a night shift.

StewkeyBlue · 29/11/2025 12:43

PullTheBricksDown · 29/11/2025 11:51

Could you learn to drive? It would be useful if either one of you could, but doesn't have to be your husband.

It does have to be her DH.

Have a re-read of the OP.

JLou08 · 29/11/2025 12:42

MellowPinkDeer · 29/11/2025 09:41

It’s exactly the same as working all day and then taking your kids to evening activities!

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It is nothing like that. The exhaustion from night shifts isn't comparable to a 9-5.

Bruisername · 29/11/2025 12:41

But op has said money isn’t an issue so taxis are ok

Lemonyyy · 29/11/2025 12:37

Ah sorry I didn’t clock that dh doesn’t drive. In that case this might not be the right time, invest in some driving lessons for dh and ds can come back to this in future.

AgeingDoc · 29/11/2025 12:34

The fact that nobody in your immediate family can drive is making a bad situation worse and I agree that time and money spent on someone learning now would be well spent. As your youngest grows up and develops interests too this kind of thing will only get worse so it would be a good investment for the future. But it's not the answer to your problem right now. Given the chaos that driving tuition and tests are in currently learning to drive is not a quick process so you need to figure out some other way of dealing with this situation. If you can get extra help from any source that would be great, but if not it doesn't really sound like it is sustainable and I don't think you should be embarrassed to say that OP. It's a cliché, but true - you can't pour from an empty cup.

Lemonyyy · 29/11/2025 12:34

Can you ask around about lift sharing? Someone picks him up and takes him, dad has a sleep then goes and collect him and friend?

RampantIvy · 29/11/2025 12:34

Coffeeishot · 29/11/2025 12:03

4 miles is honestly nothing my town centre is 3 miles away and we have activity and arts centres 5 miles away thats 15-30 minutes on the bus.

Maybe the bus times don't sync very well with the activity times?

We only have one bus an hour where we live and one train an hour.

Blisterinthe · 29/11/2025 12:33

When I used to work nights I’d have my wake period in the afternoon as it was much easier, eg. I was up from 3pm-8am, rather than 10pm-3pm if that makes sense.

TheRealGoose · 29/11/2025 12:32

I think this is something you should have thought of before starting him. It would be very cruel to start then take it away feom him as it’s too much hassle and none of you thought it through.

Teenytwo · 29/11/2025 12:30

Coffeeishot · 29/11/2025 12:03

4 miles is honestly nothing my town centre is 3 miles away and we have activity and arts centres 5 miles away thats 15-30 minutes on the bus.

Do you live in the same place as the OP? Public transport is different in different places. Where I live now a 3 mile bus into town is fast and direct, with only 3 bus stops on the way. At my old house it was just under 4 miles but took about 90 minutes because it went through all the little villages and then a couple of bigger housing estates. She’s explained they are struggling so piping up with I would manage isn’t helpful.

Bruisername · 29/11/2025 12:28

With my pda kid we tend to get round this by involving them in the decision

so in this case it would be that your dad needs to sleep for work so we need to bring the others with us. We have 2 options - stop doing the club altogether or we all take a taxi there and back. And yes you may need to deal with a meltdown but you’ve planted the seed and I find with mine that once calm they can think about it

i sympathise as I know it’s hard but it sounds like this is a good thing for your DS

Teenytwo · 29/11/2025 12:26

Could there be a compromise of bus there and taxi back?

notatinydancer · 29/11/2025 12:26

PullTheBricksDown · 29/11/2025 11:51

Could you learn to drive? It would be useful if either one of you could, but doesn't have to be your husband.

She’s explained she can’t due to epilepsy.

notatinydancer · 29/11/2025 12:24

MellowPinkDeer · 29/11/2025 09:41

It’s exactly the same as working all day and then taking your kids to evening activities!

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It’s not. Working nights is very different.

Jk987 · 29/11/2025 12:23

Can you bring the other 2 with you and take them to a cafe or playground while you wait for the 8yr old?

theriseandfallofFranklinSaint · 29/11/2025 12:21

MellowPinkDeer · 29/11/2025 09:41

It’s exactly the same as working all day and then taking your kids to evening activities!

Show quote history

Have you ever worked nights?

My DH gets in at 6.30am and barely makes it up the stairs he so tired. There's absolutely no way he could stay up until 2pm and then set off for work again at 5pm on 3 hours sleep 🙄

Coffeeishot · 29/11/2025 12:03

4 miles is honestly nothing my town centre is 3 miles away and we have activity and arts centres 5 miles away thats 15-30 minutes on the bus.

Barrenfieldoffucks · 29/11/2025 11:58

As above, how long does the bus take? 4 miles can't be massively long?

Genuinely, once a week for 1.5 hours hanging around does not sound like a big deal. I'm firmly in the suck it up camp tbh, but I do spend 3 weeknight evenings sat in a town a 45 mins drive away for 2 hours each while my teens train. And am off to entertain an 8 year old on a rainy riverbank now for 2 hours while they do more...which believe it or not is more civilised than the usual weekend morning start times

Original poster
Acc0untd3tails · 29/11/2025 11:53

RE taxis I have tried.

Affordability isnt the issue thankfully, the problem is DS' special interest is busses and he's entirely obsessed with them. He enjoys the bus journey just as much as he enjoys the club and had a 1.5 hour meltdown last week when I said that's what we'd be doing from now on 😔

My NT DC would deal with that no problem but DS is incredibly challenging. His autism (PDA profile) and ADHD means something as small as that can tip him over the edge and we spend the rest of the day dodging flying objects and trying to avoid being hit / bit.

OP posts:
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