To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

Take a Uber if only 4 miles?
take all children so partner can sleep and then pick you up.

my youngest child does their reading, spellings, fun puzzle activity books etc whilst older child does activities! Even outdoors with a woolly hat on my youngest will play catch with me, working on hand and eye coordination, or kick a ball. My youngest has great fun just looking at things around them too,

If it were the other way round, I’m not sure I’d be okay staying up til 2pm after a night shift when I had another night shift that night. Is your husband okay with this. I’d be more concerned about his welfare and if he is functioning okay on little to no sleep. That is a lot to expect of someone. Just out of interest, have you managed okay up until now with 3 children and not driving?

So hard! Sounds like it is brilliant for him but not for you. Sorry if you mentioned it already, but are there any cafes nearby where you could sit and read a book? Anywhere pleasant to go for a walk? Is there a leisure centre - could you go for a swim? What about taking the bus there and a taxi back with him spotting buses en route? Would that make it more workable for you?

Have you thought to ask if anyone else could pick him up & drop him off. Ask the leader for suggestions, or you & husband take it in turns so not all on one person.

Op is he actually enjoying the club or is he masking at the club? Because if the bit he enjoys about it is a 1-2-1 bus ride with mummy, he can do that any time. Also if the club is leaving him too over stimulated which is leading to meltdowns then you need to weigh up the costs and benefits. It might be at this point in time that on top of a week of school, this club might be too much for him.

If he absolutely loves it and there are positives from him attending then i think you might need to find a way to keep going, but your bandwidth matters too. I take my dc to a weekly appointment and i see that hour as my time - I'll take my kindle and a flask of tea and it's forced me-time.

You may already do this, but look into low demand parenting. It changed our lives with my two audhd pda children.

You need to go back to ss and reqiest a carers assessment and review.
It takes time so start now with reasonable request for a one to one for ds on saturdays to come to house take him to activity and come back.
As he gets older he will need this more and more so start requesting now laying out his needs to go there and benefts for him.
Plus family situation your needs etc
In meantime can you just take all 3 on bus ? Or is that challenging ? If it is tell ss .
Agree that hanging around is par for the course.

Bus there Taxi back sounds better then your Dh can go to bed when you get in, it does read like you want to stop the club though because of the inconvenience, that isn't a dig just it sounds like a lot of organising.

What's the club? Is it something he can do online (my son did an online coding club for example). I don't drive either so I can empathise

If your son's headteacher recommended I assume it's because his school thought it would be something that would be helpful for him.
Is there anyway you could take your other two children with you and the three of you go for a walk or do something together?
I'm afraid hanging around while your children do activities is part of parenting.

I think @Caspianberg and @frozendaisy have some good suggestions - or either a mixture of both.

Let’s be honest even if dh starts learning to drive tomorrow what with the wait for driving tests he is unlikely to pass in the next 6+ months so an alternative should be sought.

But op, it is ok to say this isn’t working right now so let’s revisit in a few months and have a look around for what is available closer to home.

Totally off topic but you have no idea how much I needed to read this today to know I'm not alone. My 5 year old son is suspected as having autism with pda profile. I'm so glad to not be the only one who feels like the slightest thing leads to biting/throwing things. Felt like I must be the worst mother ever to not be able to stop him.

How would

mum comes over Friday night and stays

you get adult company (H at work) and a back up in case you need to go to hospital (rare) or whatever

H comes home and sleeps

you and son go to club on the bus

when you get home mum can get bus home

even if H passed driving test and you got a car that doesn’t help his sleep much

long term solution H tries to find daytime work

I suggest two options

1. bus there and taxi back. Explain rules to Ds. So he gets bus one way. That should get you back a bit earlier

2. can you alternate and take all three children with you every other week? So it’s only two Saturdays a month dh gets less sleep? Either take the other two to a cafe nearby if there’s one, or just allow them
   both iPad time, take travel card games and colouring or whatever the other two like for 90 mins.

That depends where you live. I have lived in a lot of places and 4 miles on a bus can mean 20 mins travel or 90 mins travel. Not all places have regular direct bus services.

No it's not. It's like working all day then staying up to 2am to go and pick your teenager up from a night club, then being back in work again at 8.

Negotiate in the short term.

bus there for him. Taxi back for mum.

see if you getting back via taxi means DH can sleep earlier.

if not you’ll have to consider other arrangements such as a carer to take him - there are carers that can and do do this!

or him giving up for the short term.

That sounds really tough, op, and I sympathise. My dd is quite similar, though not quite to that extent. If I explained to her that the bus journey was no longer possible if she wanted to go to the club, I'd give her the option of either going to the club by taxi, or unfortunately having to give it up. I realise that PDA is particularly challenging, so negotiation is often necessary for these kids to feel more in control of decisions. Would he be placated if you agreed to get the bus just one way? Maybe easier to go there by taxi (as there's a time pressure) and bus home (when there's not).

I think that four miles on the bus is not that far and the hanging around is just part of being a parent. I'd just take a book, listen to a podcast, scroll MN or whatever.

How does your husband feel about it though? I think him not being able to sleep is the main issue and would go with whether he can cope or not.

If it doesn't work for the family then I would stop the class. These things have to work for everybody, otherwise it builds resentment.
Just saw that he loves the bus journey, could you incorporate that as an activity in it's own right. My son loved buses when he was younger, still does, and we gave ourselves a challenge to travel on every bus in London (not the whole route but at least some of it). That became our thing, he even got to plan the route.

The only way it would be comparable is if you were taking your kid to a weekly activity that ended at 2am.

The day time is when dh needs to attempt to sleep, just like you would expect to be back from kids activities by 10pm to settle down to sleep if you worked days

So tell him you're getting a bus there but a taxi back so you can get home quickly so daddy can go get some sleep.

Sounds like it would be sensible if your DP learned to drive!

I don't know where in the country you are OP but in Scotland any child with a disability is entitled to an assessment...did DS get an assessment before they said he wasn't in need of support ? A direct payment for someone to take him to this club would be such a support. If they won't give you an assessment or have said he isn't in need I would suggest getting a local councillor involved or MP. When I was a SW in this field it did get things done. Good luck 💐

Take the little ones with you? Or send DH with him, he might enjoy the aimlessly standing around if he's tired. Could take a folding chair.

Again fair point i was just going by my experience .