To stop taking DS to a new hobby? I feel bad but overwhelmed

It's what you do. I flogged through various clubs with my kids. I don't drive either but I've sat through many a tedious hour so that my kids could do dancing, gymnastics, brownies, cubs, boxing etc etc. At one point, my daughter had so many clubs, I made her drop one because I was exhausted & it was ok; she picked dancing above gymnastics. They're 50 ish now & I'm glad I put up with it; it would have been easy to back off.

It may seem like that, but it isn't.

Working nights disrupts circadian rhythm. If you work 11pm-7am you might think it would be okay to live on a sleep pattern of 2pm-9pm but in reality your body is under extra stress from working nights and needs longer to rest. This is why nights workers generally need more total hours of sleep, and have different working laws around rest periods etc.

I honestly think this situation is untenable due to the husband's shift pattern. The hanging around waiting is not the issue here, you suck that up, but staying awake until 2pm will break him.

As a non- driver myself I sympathise. Is it worth both you and DH learning to drive?
I feel like it would make life easier for you all.

Is it something you can do every other week or once a month? I have total sympathy as I'm also quite reliant on public transport and my daughter used to go to a gymnastics class that was a 10 minute walk, then a train, then a 15 minute walk and there was nowhere for me to go while she was in the class - parents couldn't wait inside as it was a studio type thing with no waiting area and it was around an industrial estate. All you could do was hang around outside which was better for those with cars with not so much for me. I hated it and we stopped going quickly. I was disappointed for her and she was disappointed too but there was no way I was doing it every week. Luckily her original class started again not too long after and it worked out. But trying to go anywhere, even living in a city, when you're reliant on public transport can be so difficult.

If I wanted him to keep going but was struggling with the journey I'd try and find a way to take him maybe once a month. If his dad or gran can take him and additional time sometimes then all the better.

I have DC with similar needs OP so I understand your circumstances. I'm also AuDHD myself so similar to you also.

My DC are 16 years old now so we're out of the other side.

In your circumstances, I would get a bus there and a taxi back. I always found my DC had very little left in the tank after an activity and it wouldn't take much to trigger a meltdown. So the taxi back makes sense and also means that your DH can get to sleep a bit more quickly. However, the bus there still gives your DS the pleasure of a trip.

Does he have any other special interests apart from buses? I am just thinking there could be something to make the taxi ride attractive. Can you whip out a toy bus from your bag on the way back? A special "taxi toy" that comes out in the taxi every week?

It might take a bit of adjustment but faced with not going at all, this might be a better option. How is his understanding? Could you give him the choice? Either we don't go at all or we get the bus there and taxi back? PDA often responds well to simple choices so that might be a way to handle it, if he's able to comprehend what you're offering.

Edit: I really think your DH needs to prioritise learning to drive asap. No one being able to drive in the extended family can be an added pressure that you would do without.

Re you struggling with hanging around at the club, take something to do for yourself. I cannot sit and do nothing, not ever. Games on your phone, reading, knitting, catch up on emails - plan to use that time for yourself while you're waiting. It could end up being actually quite enjoyable!

Best of luck.

It would be brilliant if the club ran after school or the same activity was held somewhere closer to your home
I'm guessing you've already checked, but I've oftentimes discovered something similar or the same at other venues is in the process of manifesting when I find the courage to enquire
Wishing You&Yours all the utmost very best 💚🙏💚

He obviously has a great time on the bus as well as enjoying the club but in the long run he needs a mum who is not frazzled or resentful or stressed. Raising 3 kids is hard enough let alone when two have special needs and dad works nights. You know your limits and no one should judge you whatever decision you make.

Pendung ss support eg direct payments can you use his dla to pay someone to take him out all day on the buses and to his activity?

@SummerFeverVenice

“Affordability isnt the issue thankfully, the problem is DS' special interest is busses and he's entirely obsessed with them. He enjoys the bus journey just as much as he enjoys the club and had a 1.5 hour meltdown last week when I said that's what we'd be doing from now on “

Just book him an uber to take him there and back. Yabu to not put forth effort.

If money isn't an issue, how about paying someone with Sen experience to take him?

before I had my own health issues I would have done something like this.

Have you looked to see if there's community transport in your area? A charity which has volunteer drivers. You only pay the mileage and admin fee (for my area that's 55p/mile + £3) and they collect you from your property & return you (perhaps waiting if it's easier than going home). Much cheaper than a taxi and anyone can request to use the community car scheme (but bear in mind that medical appointments are a priority and you might not get a driver each week).

Can you find a ‘normal’ dance class? I say this as a parent to an AuDHD 8 year old DS myself (who is also obsessed with buses, also trains). He does a ‘normal’ dance class in our village hall, in fairness his teacher does have a son with ADHD so is amazing with him.

He's 8 years, not months!

or are you suggesting as he has some SN, he wouldn't remember?

We have 6 kids, 5 have autism/learning disability. I think unless yoh have kids like ours ppl will expect you to get on with it .
I wouldn’t . I’d get onto social work to look for a personal budget for an assistant . It’s not just the activity, it’s being emotionally available to all the others when you get home . It’s shite . Big hugs xx

Well, the main question is how important is this activity to your DS? Does he truly love it? Then I'd do everything to make it work, as first signing him up and then telling him six weeks later now he can't go anymore, that's problematic for me. My older son had a 2 hour drama class and a 1.5 hour dance class when his younger brother was born. I sat in both waiting areas from two weeks after birth with the baby, as dad was working away. After divorce toddler brother simply continued to come and wait, no family close. This was 15 years ago, my older son now has a scholarship at a top performing arts school. Had I taken his clubs away from him, he would have been heartbroken.

Have you looked into any local "short breaks" schemes? In my area, children need to have an EHCP to qualify, and you need to find your own "buddy", but basically you get a set amount of funding per year to pay for someone (the buddy) to take your child out. If you have an adult you trust, you could pay them an hourly rate to take him to the club for you? Could ask if school have any SEN trained staff who take on extra hours outside of school like this?
Tbh the current setup sounds unsustainable for you- this is coming from someone with ADHD, 3 children (2 are ADHD, 1 is autistic), and I worked nights for years, so fully understand every contributing factor!

Today sounds a bad day esp as rain /slipping over

if he likes buses then go on a bus a simple easy journey not to club

you say it’s 20mins walk to bus stop and other end so that’s tiring

is that as need a special bus stop to go for journey or the nearest one

how rural are you ?

I have bus stops literally at end of my road

When I have to sit around for a club I usually do my online shopping or bring a laptop and catch up on work or anything life-admin. Or bring a book abd take an hour to relax (assuming you are not assisting him in the club)

Right if money isn’t an issue you get a taxi there and back

another day after school or Sundays or even sat afternoon after club if you have other 2 with you , you take a bus journey - not every Saturday with other kids

but is he enjoying the bus or the group ?

I don't think it's worth all the hassle it's causing you all OP. It's particularly not fair on your husband really, he needs his sleep after a night shift. Night shifts are unhealthy anyway without the additional lack of sleep. Is there anything you could do every week with your DS to make up for it? They do online dance classes here for children, I don't know how they work but could they potentially be worth looking into? https://fabric.dance/children-online-classes/ Or you could find some fun dance or exercise videos on YouTube and do the routines together at home if you wanted? Or see if you can get him into another hobby that's more easily done at home?

Is he on any benefits? Would this cover an Uber there and back? Or if he's entitled to support hours maybe the carer can take him there and back?

She has to get 2 buses and buses are often running behind schedule. I often get the bus to a local beach about 4 1/2 miles from us. But to get there I have to get 1 bus into town and another bus over to the beach. We sometimes meet my son there in the summer for a picnic. But for us to get there for 12pm according to the timetable we have to get the 12.16 bus. But if we get that bus we often get there too late for the second bus. So we have to get the 12.45 bus instead of the 12.30 which is also usually running about 10 minutes behind schedule. So we get there about 12.10 instead of 12.

To get guarantee we get there for 12 we would have to get the first bus at 11.0. But that also means we are there too early which upsets DD. I usually get a taxi as DS can get agitated waiting for us and think we’re not coming. We are also on a bus route bus stop is just accross the road and second bus stops right at our destination. The OP’s circumstances are different.

Stagecoach say buses are every 15 minutes but that often is not the case. 45 minutes we waited for our bus home yesterday. I could have walked home in that time and would if I didn’t have heavy bags. When it eventually came it was a double decker. So at least we weren’t packed in like sardines. Our route usually has the smaller buses. But because of roadworks that bus had to go a different route.

Could you do bus there and taxi home?

Could your other child with ASN also take part in classes at the same place?

As another way of looking at it, this could be an opportunity to get a break for yourself. I'm sure you rarely get to have a cuppa in peace. I have finally found a club that both my asn kids can attend together. It's half an hour away and no cafe but I've actually found joy in getting a brrak to read a book with a flask of tea. It's been an adjustment as I haven't been able to read for years. I also have adhd so I understand the frustration of being stuck dojng nothing but it's grown on me and is now a highlight of my week.

I know this doesn't solve anything immediately, but if at all possible financially your DH needs to learn to drive. I didn't learn till I was 30 and I'm still not a very confident driver, so I sympathise if it feels daunting, but it just seems like a no brainer in a household of five with two SEN children.