To cut my friend off

I would draw back from her completely. Don't respond and work on your other/new relationships. Time to think about yourself.

Tbh I'd just go with the flow. Talk to her when she's responding. Ignore her when she's not. In between just don't think about it and get on with your life.

I agree, I think it's a power thing OP, she's getting a buzz out of controlling you, pulling you in, pushing you away..... it may well be a manifestation of her MH condition but it's obviously still a horrible way to be treated and you are under no obligation to continue the 'friendship' in these circumstances. She clearly has other friends/acquaintances/SM buddies to converse and socialise with, I wouldn't give her any more time or thought tbh. Just stop responding and move on.

ADHD and rejection sensitivity dysphoria.

DC2 either replies straight away or not at all. Once they feel that too much time has elapsed, they'll decide that the person who messaged them now hates them because they have been too slow in replying. Once they have decided tbe person hates them, they cannot bring themselves to reply.

I'm not sure about this actually - it could be the opposite and she's engaging with friends with whom she has a more superficial relationship rather than the OP with whom she has a deeper friendship, maybe she just can't function on that level at the moment. I also wouldn't necessarily conclude that she doesn't want to be your friend. I have a friend who I find it difficult to be around when I'm struggling with my mental health because she is quite intense and talks a lot so a bit draining, and she can be inadvertently triggering and sometimes a bit judgemental. I like her though because she's well meaning and when I'm well I enjoy her company, she's just not someone I can be around much when I'm feeling vulnerable.

but she ignores me for weeks on end. Then randomly comes back. And then we speak every single day. She calls me every night and

No, she is not your friend, what is it in you that constantly puts up with her frankly bizarre behaviour?

You need some genuine friends.

Ignoring concerned messages while being active on SM is something I'd pull her up on, have you actually done that?

It's really hard because I can see it from both sides.

I have mental health issues and I'm also autistic, and when I'm going through a particularly low time, I used Facebook/Reddit/Mumsnet/Instagram to just scroll my days away because it helps me to cope. I also sometimes reply to comments because I feel like there isn't any actual pressure to respond to comments.

However if, on the rare occasion, someone reaches out to me and I'm going through a low time, I do struggle to respond and I worry that they won't understand why I'm not responding if I'm active on Facebook or wherever. But I often don't have the mental energy to respond to people via messages because it feels mandatory to do so. I struggle to keep conversations going as it is, never mind when I'm feeling like shit.

On the other hand, I can understand how this may affect the other person in the situation (the person not being responded to). It seems like it wouldn't take much to pop a quick message across, especially if someone has said they feel like they want to harm themselves, but they could be putting all their energy into NOT harming themselves, so they aren't focussing on messages but moreso on passive activities to try and distract themselves.

It's really hard to navigate for both parties.

I will say, though, that you can stop being friends with someone for whatever reason you like.

I once had a friend very similar but she was part of a big group of us. Kept ignoring us etc and had bad mental health. Turned out she turned a corner with her mental health and had a new life. But decided to completely cut out people in her old life when she had bad mental health as it was a reminder of her bad days. Haven't spoken to her in years now and neither has anyone else

I'd assume that she comes back to restart her narc dance with you

Why don't you just step back from her? Not cut her off completely, just not text her so often, and when she goes through her phase of calling or texting you daily, be busy?
She can't have it both ways!

Just give her the same energy she gives you. She goes quite you do the same

If she is well enough to be dating, she is well enough to text you back. I've been in position where a text seems hugely overwhelming so I could understand someone going silent for a while, but not whilst dating someone new and chatting about that.
The only thing I could think may be a reason is she is embarrassed after talking about harming herself.
Either way, it's not the way to treat a friend and you wouldn't be wrong to end the friendship but if you do want to continue I'd send her a text telling you exactly how you feel. How she responds may repair things or it may allow you to end the friendship guilt free.

Why in the name of fuck are you tolerating this crap? You're not her psychiatrist, care worker or mother. Move on.

Bin her. These people are like vampires. They suck your blood. I’ve experienced this. Look after yourself.

Cut her off.

The illness is a red herring. People can be both ill and also a horrible person. We tend to see people who are ill and overlook anything else. But horrible people get ill, so some people who are ill are horrible. She’s one. Cut her off without explanation. If presssed, say you need to protect your mH (true

There's lots of good stuff on YouTube about people pleasing and boundaries. Maybe look at some of the talks (Tracy Marks, Dr Ramani) so that you feel more comfortable with your entirely reasonable wish to draw back from this person?

I had a friend a bit like this. She was so draining and would spend months ignoring messages. When I reached out to her after another long silence she sent me quite a nasty reply accusing me of not doing enough. That was it for me. I havent spoken to her since. Some times you have to look after yourself as well.
It sounds horrible but ending that friendship has made me feel so much lighter. I didnt realise how the constant worry and guilt trips were affecting me until I put a stop to it.

What positives do you get from the friendship? It's hard to know if she's being manipulative with the hot/ cold approach or genuinely unable to respond due to her MH (I'm leaning towards the first as she seems to have capacity to see other friends during the silences)

You can't change her but you can change your boundaries and how you react. You seem to find her silences and being ignored a bit of a trigger and I would maybe look at how you can switch off / step back when she does that. You would be perfectly entitled to tell her that you can't have a friendship that is this inconsistent and end the friendship.

This sounds a bit people-pleasy, unless there have also been lots of good times where you’ve enjoyed her company, had fun, and been supported by her through your own hard times — are you honestly saying that although you resent not hearing from her when she goes quiet, you also find it draining when she is in daily contact because you don’t like that either? Bluntly, what value is in this ‘close friendship’ for you? And why, if you’re supposedly close friendships is the only option putting up with daily draining phone calls and periodic silences, or cutting her off? Have you never talked to her about this?

Hi op
Ive posted about a similar situation. A friend told me to leave her alone and she didn’t want friends anymore. She had been through a lot.
Then I see her posting on social media about doing something with another friend. It really upset me.
I do feel I’ve been too available but, like you, I feel bad about feeling put-out, jealous as I know she’s genuinely going through a bad time.
We both need to work in our boundaries, self-preservation x

I call people like this emotional vampires, they can be so draining. And I say this as someone who’s had mental health issues and friends with mental health issues.

Five years for a friendship is not long. You said at least two of those years has been problematic.

You also say she ignores you for long periods then gets back in touch and is speaking every day. How is she speaking to you every day unless you allow it?

Don't be a door mat or an enabler.

You have mental health to look after as well, and it’s ok to draw a boundary for yourself like she seems to. I’d be tempted to frame it as you have here: “I can see you are ok because you’re on socials or messaging someone else, and I’m happy for you, but it’s hurtful to me that you are comfortable just dropping me and our communication for months at a time, when you also want me to be there when you’re wanting to harm yourself. You’re taking my support and emotional energy, and then ghosting me and giving nothing back- that’s not friendship and it’s not fair.”