Is it reasonable to be expected to let stepkids in bed with you?

I do have kids and I agree with this.

There is a difference between coming in for a chat in the morning and co-sleeping. If he needs a cuddle at night, his dad should go to him. I don't care how many countries co-sleep through whatever age, not with parents other than their own, they don't. At 11, he is more than likely already starting puberty, his dad is deluded on that. He is also plenty old enough to know not to barge in on a closed door.

What's that phrase - no man falls in love as fast as one in need of a somewhere to live. Or a woman to take care of his kids, based on him pushing to move in asap.

In your friend's shoes, I would be moving him back out asap forever, until his kids are old enough to not want to bed share with him.

Sorry, but if you lied about your BF’s age, how are we supposed to believe any of the other ages you have given? Is the SS actually 11, or is he younger than that, but you wanted to make him out to be older than he actually is? There is no way the only thing you lied about is your BF’s age, because that would be pointless - also pointless if that’s the only age you lied about, even if you did lie about other things.

This is all very new and it’s bound to takes the kids a while to settle. Disturbed sleep is really not surprising and wanting some extra closeness to their Dad is not surprising either.

it’s also not unusual for a 6 year old to wear pull ups at night, plenty do. And plenty also make their way to their parents bed during the night.

My almost 10 year old still ends up in my bed some nights. He gets nightmares and doesn’t resettle well by himself when his brain is working overdrive.

if it’s too much then either me or OH just get into the kids bed instead. It’s a bit musical beds some nights but anything to maximise sleep.

if that doesn’t work for OPs friend then their Dad should just be getting into their bed instead.

My 6 & 9 year olds very occasionally get in with me and dp (not their dad), in cases such as illness, nightmare etc. However that’s for a quick cuddle, reset and off they go. If longer is needed, I go to their beds. I would not expect my dp to have to share with them, not fair and they’re my kids.

dp’s kids are older and moved out but sometimes theyre here and might jump into bed with us in a morning for a chat, all fully in pj’s etc. that I don’t mind.

my kids also have a step mum and if I found out they were sleeping with her, I’ll be honest I’d hit the roof! It’s inappropriate.

i also have an 11 yo boy and no way would he barge in on anyone changing, he knows the privacy rules.

unfortunately I think it’d be a deal breaker for me if I was in your friends position. He’d be told to go.

my friend has to give up hers instead

She doesn’t ‘have to’, though. It’s her house. Why is she tolerating any of this nonsense?

I’m thinking the same. I’m a step-mum, of many, many years and I’d be moving on from this situation. There are so many other complications coming up this doesn’t seem like a grea5 idea for the kids to be honest. I’d suggest he looks for his own place and they postpone the weddding.

It is reasonable to have a boundary about your own personal space and that is really what it is about - it doesn’t matter what it is or whether others agree with it or not because in life peoples opinions vary.

She has every right to say it makes her feel uncomfortable and what is telling her is that her discomfort is played down by her partner and the rules she has aren’t enforced

and that is the red flag and it’s why it won’t work

8 is the acceptable top age for boys in female changing rooms. 11 is a secondary school age lad. Another big, fat no.

Exactly what I was gonnna ask

But an 11 yr old male step-child? Who will be going through puberty? A hard no.

Honestly? It’s her house, yes? Her rules. Or her partner would be better off buying his own house and then he can provide enough bedrooms for his own children. But tbh, I’d be advising OP friend to keep separate houses and not blend.

I see that the friend’s daughters are keeping quiet to avoid arguments …. God knows what they really think. What if the 11 yr old SS starts walking in on them?

Now I know it wouldn't go down well to say this to the father of an 11-year-old boy. But I'm sure I remember Russell Brand - back in the day when he was seen as a reformed drug addict, rather than some weirdo self-help guru and LONG before it transpired that he was (allegedly?) a sexual abuser - talking about how he used the "oh it's fine, he's only litte" cover to get access to women in various states of undress. He was quite proud of this, both the achievement of getting to see boobs as well as the deceit of the thing. He said he knew exactly was he was doing. And Ihave the feeling that this was at an age far younger than 11.

If the only issue between them is the bed, maybe he could get a small double bed for one or both of his kids and go in with them.

If the ages are correct his son needs his own room now or will do very soon. The moment boys start secondary school they seem to grow up very quickly. I suppose your friend's daughters could swap but they may not be happy about it.

If this is real: He’s moved into your friend’s house and she’s the one who has to leave because of his children’s behaviour. Big no.

No way should her son lose a bedroom, even if he’s going abroad for an apprenticeship. He should always feel he has a place at home, in case it goes wrong or he just feels a little home sick.

Don't you mean that she should tell the partner and his children to leave?

Sleeping on the sofa in her own house?

He needs to move back out.

He's latched onto a good thing!

Does she also look after the kids whilst he works or does a hobby?

I don't remember my kids, when they were 11 getting in our bed, if they were poorly or had a bad dream I went to them. They used to shout or knock on the door. Their dad should do that, hes taking the easy option of just letting them, rather than working on a plan where everyone sleeps happily in their own bed. I would be upset if I was your friend mainly because her partner doesn't seem to be taking her concerns seriously. I do think an 11 year old boy needs his own bedroom but that's a bit out of scope if there's just not the room.

Yes I rem that thread

lm on mn in a king by myself - heaven

was fine even ex dh here , but no way could do a double with 2 adults let alone kids - those 6 inches make all the diff

but back to your friend

whats the saying - nothing quite like a man falling in love quickly with a woman who has a house

she sounds lovely trying to accommodate his kids with room splitting - if they shared with their mum and dad they can share now

I have friends who shared with their opposite sex sibling as no choice and lives in a 2 bed house with 2 kids that was owned

it’s only in council properties that an uproar that brother sister can share at over 11

I wish I had known, understood, what a selfish red flag this issue was when it happened to me. I was a sofa sleeper. Never ever did it occur to him to manage this situation. And years down the line, red flags a flapping… selfish shit still goes on. I’m probably projecting I realise, but I’d call it off. It’s not the sleep arrangement exactly, it’s the lack of respect for your bf and her home. It’s not even that he’s putting his kids first, because he’d get up and go to their bedroom, soothe them and return. It is just that his sleep is more important that your bf’s and he cba to parent them. It’s not the kids fault, albeit at 11 he is older enough to understand, this is what he’s like as a parent. This is how your bf features in his life, when he is with this children. She is not his equal. And those children will soon realize that. It happens on here, woman undermined, ignored by the partner and his children! Fuck that. Why did he spilt with his ex? Was he hands off dad by chance ?

If she’s running to you and weeping about the situation after a few months it really doesn’t sound as if it’s going that well.

However, for the sake of the poor kids I’m going to assume that it’s better to try and make it work.

Given that Id be horrified if a woman with kids this age was allowing them in bed with their stepfather, yes I think there should be a process of establishing that the kids go back to their own beds if they turn up. Blending families is not the same, new rules apply.

OP sorry but your friend is an idiot for blending the families at this age. We waited 7 years to do that. Her poor DC! But she is not being unreasonable, the DSS needs to understand boundaries.

I wouldn’t be comfortable with that either as the partner or the mum of the SC. I think her points are valid.

My DS is 11, almost 12 and whilst we both used to love morning cuddles in bed, it's been ages since we had them. He's my biological child and we're close but no, just no.

A step child makes it even worse and it's worrying that your friend is getting weird vibes about the SS's motives. If her partner won't acknowledge her boundaries here, the relationship is done. If the kids were 2 and 4, it would be totally different of course.