In-laws - should.i apologise

Sometimes, these big family blow-ups can actually be the turn in the relationship that everyone needs.
I had one with my BIL about 8 years ago now, and honestly, being able to give myself permission to take a HUGE step back from dealing with him, was one of the biggest gifts I've ever been able to give myself.

Nowadays, our relationship has mellowed into one of polite civility. We have close to zero social interaction (he'll occasionally fb message me - I never initiate - and make a point to take my time replying), and keep our interactions in family get-togethers minimal.

It is OKAY to take a step back OP. There's 3 adult children who can handle this after all!

This. DHs problem, not yours. I wouldn’t apologise, you’ve done nothing wrong. I wouldn’t be helping them either, again that’s for your husband and his sister to do, not your problem. Your DH didn’t back you up in the moment though, and I would want to discuss that and sort it out.

Stop doing things for all of them. The only people you owe anything to are your kids. Focus on them. Let them figure out their own transportation and care situation for your MiL and FIL.

Your husband should have backed you up and since he chose sides, leave the burden of the mental load with him. He will soon understand how you feel. At the end of the day MIL and FIL are not your parents, they are his.

Why are you so involved with them? Step back and let your husband sort his family out. They’re not your worry.

First post nails it. Let them get on with it. Step back. However much you miss your parents and having family, this is not your family.

Please don’t use food to bury your anger. You’ve given your time energy and money to support this dysfunctional bunch, don’t give your health as well. And as all PPs say, start cutting back drastically on your involvement.

i disagree i think losing your temper was good as long as controlled way and not unjust or spiteful

sounds like they have taken you for granted for a long time. its gonna be difficult and i think they need you more than you need them, step back and concentrate on yourself and family, husband will have to step up maybe, you can't solve all of the issues and it could put a strain on your family

I think an apology for losing your temper will help you feel better. I would also tell them that the reason this happened was because you have had so much on your plate and you are tired and stressed as a result. Then leave it.

I'd just stop helping. They're not your parents. Your husband not sticking up for you after everything you do for them all is an absolute piss take. I wouldn't argue, I'd just stop. It's not your job. Let them fend for themselves.

I would apologise for losing my temper, but not my words used.
clearly explain that as you annoy them so much, you’ll be taking a step back. You love them and look forward to seeing them at Christmas for a sherry and mince pie.
Then I’d explain to my husband that he’ll be visiting his family with the children but not me going forward. It’s not negotiable and you are sad that he didn’t defend you.
Visit his Dad in hospital though, speak with him and see if he feels safe at home.

I understand where you’re coming from with regards to losing your parents young and seeing others treating their parents like skivvies. Neither DH or I have our parents alive and DH has also lost his sister, so he’s not got any other family members.

HOWEVER, whilst I admire you helping out your in-laws, they will never appreciate you like a real daughter because they still have their actual daughter, even if she’s a total nightmare. Blood is thicker than water with some families (not all!) and this seems to be one of them. Even your DH is treating you like a second class citizen when he’s with his obnoxious family!

I think for your own sanity, you need to step back a lot and let your DH do all the ferrying around for his parents.

He won’t appreciate all you’ve done for them until he has to shoulder the burden alone for a bit. Don’t be tempted to help him out as until he’s in the thick of it, he’ll still take you for granted as the one picking up the slack.

My DH used to be rubbish at looking after me when I was unwell but after he went through gruelling cancer treatment himself, he now totally appreciates everything I do for him. Sometimes they have to suffer a bit before they see the light!

You need some space. How about to your DH, in a calm and compliant voice:
’I am so sorry I raised to the bait and, when your sister shouted at me, I shouted back. It’s best for everyone I take a step back from this situation. Here are the upcoming jobs I usually cover so you and your sister are aware. I need time to find support for myself.’
Stand firm and curious when he wants you to capitulate ‘But how would that help ME and my hurt feelings?’ or ‘Where do MY needs come into this’ or ‘I’m choosing to put our DC and myself first, it’s your choice where you put your DSis’

He’ll to the F no. End this debacle right here. Both my parents are gone as well so I know your pain and kudos to u for being so lovely with pil. But no. You do realise that when pil are gone u will be expected to look after siblings. End it now

You need to take a massive step back. These people are your in-laws, who have a capable daughter and son. Why are you running yourself ragged for them? I appreciate your husband is probably working full-time and you're doing a lot to help him. However, the more you do, the less your SIL and your husband will do. You are not responsible for looking after your in-laws, especially as your SIL and BIL are living in the same house as them!! The adaptations that are required to be done to the home, so your FIL can move home, need to be done. The fact your SIL is kicking up a fuss over this is worrying. However, this is for your husband to be involving himself in, not you. Yes, of course your husband should be defending you, you're his wife. However, telling you to go to the car, may have been his way of defusing the situation.

i would be telling my husband that after the way I have just been treated that’s it, not lifting another finger, block the numbers on your phone and it’s now all on him to do everything

and I would mean it, he does everything

100% this, the more you do the more they will sit back and continue treating you like crap.

I don’t think I’d be stepping foot in that house again.

NHS winter pressures I'm surprised they are happy at him staying in hospital he needs to be discharged and supported at home with a care package that's what happened with my gran

It's extremely unusual that a hospital don't discharge elderly patients, I'm very relived for you that they are keeping fil in and you don't have to deal with that too.

This is for your DH to deal with. He is leaving you with this, so tell him it’s his family and parents .
So step well back and spend more time with people you want to see- other family and friends.

I think this is one of those situations where the act/disrespect has to be the closure you need

if it makes your own life easier address it and offer a factual apology (sorry, I shouldn’t have reacted when you shouted) - it feels like that might give you some peace too - but beyond that, what they’ve told you, loudly, is that at least your SiL does not want your help!

I feel like your DH could have had your back, but I guess he has more experience of his family dynamic. He is the person I would talk to about what happened, as it doesn’t sound like this is typical behaviour for him

Oh, @Brendy76 please do what others say and just wash your hands of your in-laws.

However, the big problem you have - as is seen far too often on Mumsnet - is your (not D) H. I really hope that this was very unusual behaviour from your husband, and that he has always backed you up in front of other people before now? Sometimes we might say or do something really unacceptable, in which case our partners should still treat us with respect and kindness - as we would them - even if they do have to say something like "sorry name, but I can't agree with you on this one, lets leave this subject (or whatever) for now", and then both can discuss it later at home after they have had a chance to calm down.

But, Brendy, the above was not one of the very few - if any - occassions when your partner had a valid reason to not back you up in publc. What he said to you was appalling, he let you down big time! If that was a very unusual circumstance, then maybe you can have a proper discussion with him about it, if you are both willing to do so, and at a time that means you are unlikely to be disturbed. However, if he has behaved like that more than once in a chequered blue moon, then you might benefit in seeing a counsellor for yourself, and possibly a joint relationship counsellor for the two of you - if he agrees - and if you think that your marriage is worth trying to save. I wish you the very best of outcomes, Brendy 💐

You are not their family convenience, a domestic appliance or slave.
Your husband should be ashamed of himself and should be backing you all the way.
Don’t do anything for them ever again.
They need to sort their own shit out. That’s all on them, if they fail don’t give it another thought.
You can’t control them or their behaviour so thoroughly distance yourself.

‘Let them’.

Stop doing anything for these ungrateful fucks!!!

Not everyone can drive. She may never have had enough money to learn.
She may be too young. And if, as OP suggests she has a neurological problem, legally might not be able to learn.
I am surprised there are no buses though.