To be hurt by how little my parents want to see me and my kids?

Some grandparents just aren’t very hands on. We see FIL once a year, and he is retired, in good health and lives about 20mins away. He remarried a few years ago and just isn’t interested.

We see DM fortnightly, even though she lives 90 mins away, because she wants to see us (mostly she comes up to us because she says she is retired and has more time and money than us, but we do go down to stay a few times a year).

If somebody isn’t interested in having a close relationship, unfortunately you can’t force it.

Why are you making up they are full time carers? OP has stayed they aren't

They won't be able to complain OP that they don't have a relationship with their Grandkids as they get older. They are making their choices clear

A lot of people here are making assumptions about why they do this. They have told you their reasons. They are not excuses. Nor however are their reasons fair or equitable.
When there is a shortage of resources in a family they become the focus of competition between siblings and I am so sorry that your parents consistently choose your sister, their non family social life and housework over you and your children. How could you not be resentful?
It is however time to stop wishing for change and instead actively plan your future family with them as the footnote that they have chosen to be. You get to mourn that. It is a matter of some considerable grief to be a child who is of low importance to their parents THROUGH NO FAULT OF THEIR OWN.
If you don't want to involve them in your Christmas this year you don't have to. They won't love you more for doing it. It might unsettle them that you aren't staying in your lane but thats all any reaction is likely to involve.
Im sorry if this sounds a little bleak but I am just one of a number of people here who have a good idea how this will play out in the long term.
If you want to save yourself years of agonising and therapy you really have to accept that they are going to remain the limited people they consistently show you they are.

Did both your grandparents work?
I think a big shift has happened. My grandparents only my grandad worked and he retired at 55 . But my parents worked till 67 and are both still exhausted. Any free time and they just try to catch up with housework and life admin. And my younger brother who has physical and mental health problems. Its a big drain on their energy levels. I think if they didnt have all these stresses they would be spending a lot more carefree time with my children .

One of the things that I didn't really appreciate til I got here is how much working full time takes it out of you when you get older. I do so much less socially than I'd like to, just because I don't have the energy and dh and I do regularly now need weekends just to catch up in the housework and rest.

That said, I can understand why you're upset. Is it something that you could talk to them about?

They probably don’t have capacity with everything else going on for them… they may feel really anxious and guilty. Try not to take it personally, they would most likely want to see you more if their buckets weren’t over flowing…

I suspect that the reason you spent so much time with your grandparents was that your parents have very little interest in children, not even their own. That's sad but it's no reflection on you, just like their lack of interest in their grandchildren is no reflection on them. Just be glad you take after your grandmother not your mum.

You can’t do anything about them, except perhaps offer more support re. your sister. But you can make sure your children have a loving family at home. Focus on that. Keep inviting your parents. Do what you can and don’t worry over the things you can’t.

And stop comparing with other people. You have no idea what their families are dealing with.

I suspect that your parents are overwhelmed with life. They are dealing with your sister who has severe MH issues, who can't live in one place for long and has the habit of getting herself into debt. On top of that, they both work full-time and still have to run a home. Any downtime they do have is spent relaxing with friends. I appreciate you and your husband parent your children when they visit but a 2 year old and 6 year old, are tiring. I wouldn't cancel any Christmas plans you have.

Honestly i feel that thy have a lot on if they both still work full time and then are trying to deal with your sisters severe issues as well. Im nearly 50 and my every levels are definitely not what they used to me . I can imagine in my 60s I'll really feel it.
of course it's sad for you and your kids but it might not be a personal thing. You are doing well , have a dh and lovely kids , maybe they feel your sister needs them more right now.
I don't blame you at all for being sad about it though.

How often do you speak to them @Rollerdicegal? How often did you see them before DC?

Maybe they are not comfortable around small children, hence you spending a lot of time with GPs as a child. Not everyone is cut out to be a parent, and maybe in their peer group it was just expected to have children whether you actually wanted them or not.

Interestingly, there are other threads on MN where you get GPs complaining that they don’t see enough of their grandchildren as the parents work FT and spend their weekends doing chores, hobbies (either theirs or the DC’s), seeing friends etc.

How old are they OP? They are both working full time which gets harder as you get older.

I'm 62 and working full time means I need to spend one day of the weekend covering all the chores and being ready for Monday, so that gives me one day for all socialising. A weekend trip leaves me shattered and running to catch up.

If they feel they need to be around for your dsis then I can see that travelling to you more than once a quarter as well would be too much.

See them at Christmas when they will have some downtime.

How soon will they retire or go part time? I suspect things will improve then.

They do sound a bit crap.

I’d be telling them exactly how you feel.

Agree.

People don’t suddenly morph into stereotypical grandparents. If they weren’t very hands-on with small kids when their own daughter was concerned, it’s unlikely they are going to suddenly be into kids because they now have grandchildren.

And maybe they are just depleted after a lifetime of worry about the sister. Maybe achieving distance from the grandchildren is protecting themselves, subconsciously, from more potentially painful relationships.

Your grandparents looked after you so much when you were young, your parents weren’t around. Maybe due to working or other commitments, maybe because they wanted to do other things I have no idea but they weren’t around all that much so why would you expect them to be around for your children now.
Sorry if that sounds harsh but even with working and looking out for your sister sometimes they have time to see friends and do other things they don’t want to spend their time with small children

The last thing working people want on a Sunday afternoon is to drive 45 min each way, sit thru a chaotic kiddie-centric heavy meal, not have a drink due to driving, get home in early evening tired and frazzled, with Monday morning work looming.

Let OP drive to them as she is the one promoting the togetherness.

Expecting people to feel the way you want them to feel is a waste of time. Their side of the story would be quite different.

Better just to get on with it, they will do whatever they want anyway, and you can choose to see them when you are given the opportunity, or not if you prefer.

I wonder how many of the friends’ grandparents you’re comparing them to, also work full time?
And live 45 minutes away? so I assume that’s a return journey of up to two hours.
Let alone your sister’s needs.

Comparison is the thief of joy, and all that …

Try to establish a once a month tradition
Last Sunday of the month roast dinner at your house. If it's planned far ahead they can put it in the calendar

Be frank and honest with them

Parents can be terrible self absorbed and not realize your needs.

Probably she wasn't very keen on children hence why you spent so much time at your grandparents

I think you just have to accept it is what it is. Mine are similar I guess, but live much closer & they have no other children. I think they have seen the children once this year! me & my husband haven't had a meal out in a long time I'd say 11/12 years even on a significant anniversary or birthday. I spent so much of my childhood with grandparents, aunts & even family friends, they were the people who took me out on fun day trips etc. But that's their choice it's my kids norm and that's fine I doubt they miss who can never be arsed!

I didn't mean the OP but on MN in general..so many people are outraged when grandparents can't commit to childcare or aren't interested in what their child has done.

Maybe they don't want her visiting in order to protect her from the possible harm caused by her sister who might be in self destruct mode and they don't want the little ones there to witness it. It sounds like the sisters living arrangements are inconsistent and they don't necessarily know when she might drop back in to live with them, which I expect can be very stressful worrying about whether your child is safe and what trouble they might be in and you need to help them fix (the debt for example).

The OP hasn't responded yet to how they are when they are there. We don't know whether they are interested and engaged, or like I said just exhausted. The OP also hasn't said whether she and DH both work full time too, so understand how draining it might be at the end of the day (so have empathy with how older adults might be at the end of a working week and then the additional stress of helping their daughter with the mental health issues).

I like the suggestions earlier where someone said to just keep them in the loop - sending pictures and things, as this may be the easiest way for them to build that relationship with the grandchildren.

OP clearly said she doesn't rely on them for childcare. She offers to go and visit them (and takes care of her own kids during that time) and they keep refusing, prioritising everything else. I'd be really hurt too and feel like my parents couldn't be bothered to make the effort for me and my family. If they can make time for friends and family, surely they could spare the time for OP? The point is, they choose not too because they don't care much for her and her fam and they're not interested. OP, I'd stop making the effort. It's sad, but it is so one-sided that it isn't worth. Their loss.

OP has confirmed that she does not, and in fact also stays with her sometimes. They are not full time carers.

But how often are they seeing these friends and doing other hobbies? It is likely that these friends live closer, making it easier to pop round for a quick drink.
I do think there is a lot of pressure on grandparents - from lots of posts on here it seems a lot of people rely on them for childcare and wanting to be available for their grandchildren, but forget that they have had their time raising children and aren't choosing to have grandchildren. In the OPs situation they are still having to parent the sister in a stressful situation.
Yes it is sad for the OP but it is not unreasonable to consider that the grandparents just aren't emotionally or physically available.