To be hurt by how little my parents want to see me and my kids?

What a nasty and self-centered attitude.

Elders earned our care by raising us. They aren’t required to facilitate a second generation in order to merit decent treatment in old age.

I really feel for you. I have a very similar situation with my parents. I can understand logically that their circumstances can be difficult and they have things going on. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t make me feel really sad. In my heart I can’t make peace with the fact that I’m always the ball that they choose to drop when they’re juggling. It seems from some of the comments that perhaps it’s difficult to understand how that feels unless you’ve experienced it yourself. I don’t have any advice, apart from massively lowering your expectations, and focusing on the people who do want to spend time with you x

I’m 55 and working full time has finally caught up with me. After going into the office 3 days a week with a long commute, I’m beat by the weekend. I don’t have much leftover to entertain especially children.

However I would try and do something once a month or so, but that’s not having a mentally unwell child that needs looking after.

This is so sad. I am sorry to read this.
Would money stretch to a night away for them for a Christmas present? Or maybe a spa day or a massage for your mum?

I am early 50s and I just don't have the stamina I used to have. They do sound burnt out.

Your poor parents. They must be at their absolute limit with stress -when I was depressed, I couldn't stand seeing anyone at all, even good friends and family. I just wanted silence and nothingness for a while. I didn't even have it in me to answer a text.
It's obviously not to do with you or the kids personally. It's an incredibly difficult time and they are stretched thin.
How about the children send them a letter or card with some drawings or photos?

My original message disappeared,so apologies if you get this twice.
How about using Facetime once or twice a week when your children are around?

When grandparents live far away or when like yours they are quite tied,why not use Facetime or similar perhaps once or twice a week at a time when your children are around?

Good on you for talking to your parents, OP. I hope it provides some reassurance for you that it's not personal or lack of interest. Yes, it could be depression, or burn out. They've been at this for a very long time. You're very kind to offer to have your sister for a while, to give them a break. Remember you have a young family yourself, so take care of yourself too. You have a busy life too, even if differently busy, and your children come first.

It would be ideal if your parents could work it so at least one of them can go part-time or retire, for their sakes.

Even if they aren't physically full time carers, they may always be 'on', waiting for that next call that something has happened, waiting for the next round to start (and who knows how long that will be?), waiting to have to upend everything to run to the hospital or wherever, the constant worry. Even that's exhausting, especially with full time employment.

Yes, it will affect their relationship with their grandchildren, whether it's by choice or circumstance.

Edited, as just read OP's update. Confirms parents aren't coping so well.

You’ll feel more compassion if you read the OP’s updates as I just have

I’ve just read it so thank you. No wonder they don’t have the mental and physical bandwidth for the grandchildren. I hope the discussion has helped the OP.

Working until they’re in their 70s even though they’re already shattered? It sounds unbearable

Why should she?!!!! They haven’t even been decent parents let alone bothered with their grandchildren!!! They are selfish and focused on only one of their children and their lives! OP should just let them get on with life and focus on her children and life with her dh as her parents even farmed her out to her grandparents when she was a child!!

Just remember their behavior when they are older and needing care and you can tell them that what the effort they put in with you and your kids is the same amount they will get back and that you’ll see them once every few years

Exactly that!

I am 54 and shattered at weekends from working full-time in a full-on job - my job is mentally rather than physically exhausting. Very little socialising happens here at weekends - it is spent doing chores and recovering. I am not depressed or unwell - it is age. Caring for your sister - the mental load and worry - they must be shattered. I have a granddaughter - they mostly visit me - bring picky bits for lunch and stay a few hours every other weekend. Sometimes weekly. I love seeing them and will babysit when I can.

@Abracadabra12345 have you read the OP’s update? Her parents are exhausted

Yes as soon as I saw that the OP spent a lot of time with her gp as a child, I guessed that the parents may not be naturally comfortable and enthusiastic about being around young children. There is often a connection.

Id feel hurt too and it’s exacerbated by having friends whose parents are all over the kids. But I also see the other side

Offer to go over and take over household chores for a day once a month. They play with kids, you and dh help them out. Win win.

Will your sister be safe round your DC @Rollerdicegal

I know it’s not quite the same but my DM is going down the dementia route and it had destroyed me mentally, and I feel overwhelmed by everything. I am similar age to your parents. I can imagine the mental strain on your parents that your sister’s illness/behaviour is causing

I think your expectations are unrealistic given they work full time and have caring responsibilities for DSis. Your lack of date nights with DH is really nothing to do with your parents. Families operate differently, some people get loads of help from GPs and some get little. That is life.

They're definitely shattered

A few people have detailed on this thread that as they went so often to their grandparents, they are assuming that their parents will do the same for their grandkids.

wouldn’t the obvious assumption be the exact opposite?!?

that your parents don’t enjoy it?

As someone said upthread, do your visits take up a whole day? They may find this overwhelming.