To be hurt by how little my parents want to see me and my kids?

You aren't being unreasonable but neither are they.

Is there a middle ground? Can you suggest meeting somewhere closer to them so they don't have to travel, to keep a relationship with their grandchildren, just for one hour once a month? Lunch or tea in McDonald's?

They’re still parenting a very mentally unwell child and working full time. They just don’t have the time or the energy. May you never be in their shoes.

Also, if your children adore their grandparents, they must be lovely and attentive when they do see them so that's something.

It's hard to enjoy being a grandparent when you're still having to do intensive parenting. It's sad for you all but I'd try to be very understanding of their situation and tiredness levels.

@sittingonabeach I did. Still don’t think she’s being unreasonable for being upset about missing out on a relationship she’d like to have.

I get people are exhausted. I’m exhausted. Life is exhausting! But wanting to build those bonds and special relationships with your grandchildren is important surely?

@No1YouKnow but it’s hard to ignore the exhaustion and competing priorities

I completely understand why you are upset and I have read the update.

My dad is 61, he works full time and lives 30 mins away. Every week without fail he comes round to either take my son to football (could be another mins to an away game) then he takes his sister shopping as she is paid to care for their elderly mother (but doesn’t drive). Or if it’s a Sunday then we will go for a meal or just chill. Regardless, weekend rain or shine, he is here. I haven’t asked him and don’t need to - he wants to be here.

They are divorced but my mum is 58, works PT 2-3 days a week. She frequently wants to pick them up & have them stay on a Friday night. I have 3 children inc a spirited 4 year old so it’s not an easy job. Again, I don’t ask for that. She text me recently to say she’s retiring next year & she can help out with the kids more (we don’t really need it tbh as we balance it between us, but it’s a want to see her grandchildren, not a need!)

My husbands parents on the other side could not give a shit. One lives round the corner and doesn’t see them, unless DH takes them there. It’s not worth the effort to pop in, apparently. I know it makes him really sad.

I get people are exhausted. I’m exhausted. Life is exhausting! But wanting to build those bonds and special relationships with your grandchildren is important surely?

I do feel for you OP
But not everyone gets the ideal amd happy extended family/support.
My mum baby sat my daughter a few times when she was a newborn and after that she had a severe and disabling stroke only in her 50s.
And then we became her carers.
And everything changed.
Such is life.

UABU. You said they work full time! They have lives of their own and have already raised kids. They don’t have to raise yours. Lots of people don’t have parents living nearby. If you want a date night, hire a baby sitter. You can’t expect to have the same set up as you did as a child. Times are different. Sounds like your kids love your parents, so their relationship is already close, just different than yours was with your gps.

Yes, exactly, which is why I'm not fussed if I never have grandchildren. I have enough on my plate!

Then there's the worry about what happens to the vulnerable person after you die. That can be hard.

From your last update, you have your answer. They are just burnt out.

I’ve recently turned 60 and am more tired at the end of the day. And unfortunately cleaning still needs to be done.

Could you be the one doing the journey each time so it’s one less thing for them? Maybe take some food for a picky lunch on a Saturday or Sunday. You go over, your parents spend time playing with or talking to DC while you set out food. You eat together then you clean up while your parents spend more time with your kids then you go.

That’s what I did sometimes with my DC and my grandmother (their great grandmother). It’s no rest for you unfortunately, but for my DC it facilitated a relationship with her. She did the fun things and I did the grunt work.

She is long gone but my DC remember the good times with her.

Ring them and say ‘mum dad my kids miss you, I miss you. We have barely seen you in the last few months when can we get our next get together in the books’ that way you express that you are missing them and you make a plan.

So your mum has gone through peri and full menopause over the last few years. Is she on HRT? Has she been taking care of routine tests like mammograms and pap smears?

She has a full time job and a house to care for, and an adult daughter who has paranoia and can be violent/ volatile.

She has no pleasant retirement to look forward to because the adult child will still need care and her 70s are a long way off. By the time she can retire she may well have health issues anyway, or your dad may, and one of them will end up as a carer to the other. I can see how even one of those elements of her situation would be depressing.

Her life does not sound like a bed of roses, frankly, and she may well see you and your children as yet another responsibility she is lumped with.

They work full time and they're dealing with your sister's MH problems too?

I think you're being unreasonable. They have a lot on their plates.

I live an ocean away from my mum and Dsis.
Can none of you do WhatsApp video calls or FaceTime?

You’re not being unreasonable @Rollerdicegal. It’s totally understandable to be disappointed by your parents priorities and the minimal effort and relationship you have with them. My parents are divorced and remarried, and they prioritised their new partners over everything. It has always hurt, more so after having children and they still make no effort. In-laws also difficult and prioritise DH brother. it’s hugely disappointing but MN is quicK to call anyone out for wanting more from their parents as being unreasonable. I disagree- some people have lovely, close and supportive grandparents, and wishing you had that is perfectly reasonable. However, you’ll probably need to find peace with the reality and accept it.

Christ, they are crying out for help. I can’t believe you are so blasé about your sister hitting your mum!!!

You won’t win. They are exhausted, working full time and managing a deeply unstable child. Their child will always be their priority, as no doubt, your child is to you. Mental illness is awful for those on the receiving end, worse than those affected sometimes.

As a grandparent I am often torn between the demands of work and various family members, my long distance partner, my own indifferent health...it can be tiring and overwhelming. Its hard just maintaining the home sometimes. I do need quite a bit of time to myself, I can feel guilty about that but apparently its 'self care'!. I do see quite a bit of my grandchildren though and more and more I wish I lived nearer.

OP, I think your feeling are natural, but I also think life has changed in a way that makes it harder for many grandparents to be hands on.

With them both working, and a drive away, I think it's very possible that things come up weekends, they are tired, house stuff needs doing, etc - and before you know it it has been a couple of months before they both have a block of time to visit.

It's really differernt when you live close to family, and visiting is 10, maybe no longer than 20, minutes away. You can pop over for an hour and it seems worthwhile. You can visit spur of the moment when the opportunity comes up. Maybe you visit when you aren't feeling 100% because you know you can head home again if you need to. You do things together casually like lend a power tool or drop something off, and get a visit in then.

Even a 45 minute drive can be just enough to stop that kind of casual interaction for some. If they weren't working less likely, but between work and life, it makes a visit much less easy.

That is sad OP but good you raised it with your mum and hopefully you feel reassured that it is not that they don't care but they are just exhausted. I cannot imagine prioritising friends or housework over my DDs or grandchildren but then I am not a carer and am retired. I am probably a similar age to your mum. Also while 45 minutes does not sound very far it is a 1.5 hour round trip but given you offer to drive up there maybe that is not the issue. Can you make a regular trip up there but stress you will only stay a few hours. Maybe a whole day is too much given their health and other commitments. They could be depressed. Well done for having your sister to stay to give them a break.

@HGSufferer you need to read OP’s update

I feel this too OP. I also posted something similar before and ended up feeling like the asshole from a lot of the replies.
But I completely empathise and I don’t think you’re being unreasonable. We can’t force anyone to do something they don’t want but we can feel hurt that we haven’t got the scenario we dreamt of and wanted. It’s heartbreaking, and I often get upset when I see examples of grandparents being 100% in for being involved when my child’s couldn’t seem to care less. Luckily my MIL is the opposite and tries to see him whenever he can.
I personally find it so hard to confront my mum, I don’t want a family falling out so I just let it roll on and put the effort in and hope maybe one day they’ll change their tune.

So sorry you feel abandoned but i trust your conversation with your mum has brought you some comfort. It is exhausting feeling responsible for someone with mental health problems and I hope your parents ard getting support from social services.

It’s good that you spoke to them.

I’m 62 and work full time in a professional role. I am on no medication, not overweight, perfectly able. And I find over the last couple of years my stamina has really decreased. A super fit, active colleague of the same age just confided the same last week. We just don’t have the same energy we formerly did.

It’s disconcerting and discouraging, and the last thing we need is to be guilted about it.

I'd have a quiet word with your parents that you feel a bit neglected as they spend so much time helping your sister.