To complain to the school

I see 2 separate issues if your child is being called names or other students acting badly towards them that should be reported

Acting badly towards them needs it own punishment this idea of 'well they started it' is not the answer

Parents can justify bad behaviour all they want if it is wrong for one it is wrong for all

I am usually always on the side of teachers.

On this occasion, if what your son is saying is true? Calling someone a cunt/fat repeatedly and then getting this reaction, well, serves the ‘model student’ right. Maybe he will think before opening his gob next time.

Kids can only take so much before they lose their shit. I agree with the other 70% of voters.

So in other words any student that can suck up to her — which is to say, most bullies — can’t possibly be a bully. Since she confirmed those were her words, I would make the head aware of that. That is not an attitude that is compatible with safeguarding the wellbeing of children.

When people talk about schools and teachers doing nothing about bullies, this is the sort of teacher they’re picturing.

Ex teacher

your child needs to report when he is called names and abusive language is used.

it means that if and when he retaliates there is already reports that the other student is provoking.

schools do come down harder on throwing things and physical actions than words in general (unless racist or homophobic language).

But we only have the OPs word and as the OP wasn't there and is repeating whqt her son said that the teacher said then I cannot pass judgement. If the OP actually heard the teacher say that themselves then that would have been different.

As the OPs son was upset then its possible/likely he heard one thing but has added his only conclusion. E.g. the teacher looked up the other child and commented the boy had no behaviour history. The OPs son could have then interpreted this as the teacher giving this as a reason why he could not have said it.

This scenario happens a lot.

I didn't say it was permitted.

I just said that a school can only punish where they have evidence of wrong doing.

I’m not a teacher but am a student manager. I’d be looking into both sides of the story. Probably would mean both received a consequence. I’d be taking statements and looking at the balance of probability.

So bullying is permitted if the victim does not have any witnesses willing to testify?

Op it sounds like your DS told you about the verbal abuse before the subsequent incidents where he retaliated by throwing food?

Did he report prior to the incident and it was brushed off? If so, you do need to email school to make them aware of this.

Obviously he needs to be punished for throwing food but he also needs to be supported by school to come up with a better response if staff are not responding to him reporting verbal abuse.

i completely understand where you are coming from with regard to the height issue. The pressure on children who happen to be taller or hit their growth spurts earlier is very real and if they stood out physically in a different way this would not be tolerated. I can see the biases in some of the responses on this thread.

Is he supposed to shrink himself?

It always seems to be your son is misunderstood or are you a tiny bit biased? Keep records of everything that happens positive and negative, but question your son seriously about what happens, I suspect he is trivialising things and as a much bigger boy he may well be intimidating even if he doesn't do much.

Yanbu. Bullies are bullies. Doesn't matter if ds is 6ft or not x

I agree with you as far as what the OP’s child did but if the teacher really said that the other child can’t be a bully because he’s a “model student” then she’s a fool. People with the attitude that “my child/favorite student/favorite employee would never bully” are one of the reasons that bullying continues.

I wondered about that, unless he threw some peas which were still in the can.

Good Lord the accepted level of violence at my (in fact really brilliant) state school in the mid-‘70s would make this generation’s false eyelashes wither.

Skinheads massacring hippies in the yard, grebos scratching initials into more feeble boys’ arms with rat tail combs, girls being rather too enthusiastically explored on teachers’ desks during break (not by teachers, be it said).
(Though one teacher was given to ramming inattentive heads through thin asbestos walls)

Gawd, a mere bunfight would have been sheer bliss!

I think if your DS was going to get in trouble regardless he should have gone with the orange.

He should get a punishment for his action, BUT 'model pupils' should also get punishments for bullying. I think the teacher is being naive if she thinks some model pupils aren't just very clever at hiding their bullying tactics.

If your child (or you) had reported what was happening to him, it could have been investigated and the the bully punished.

As he retaliated repeatedly and and only brought it up in his defence when caught misbehaving, it doesn't sound as plausible, and he's been shown to treat others badly and needs to be punished.

Because they have beef (olives) presumably.

Yes. If he had denied it then it would be one child's word against another with no evidence either way.

But there are often independent witnesses to physical altercations (that have no friendship link to either party) but when it comes to verbal abuse that's much harder to prove. So if your son had been caught lying he would have been in even bigger trouble so its not always the best policy.

Our school has CCTV everywhere so we would then check that to try and establish what happened.

Oh...

And he didn't throw an orange at him the previous day?