Disagreement over how to spend Christmas day

The wife does sound unreasonable and very uncompromising.

Are you one of the Kids?

Is it a case of her parents being elderly and she goes over to cook and make sure they have a nice dinner?

It depends on how often he’s been forced into that plan though doesn’t it ? If this is real, then the wife is clearly totally self centred and what she wants at Christmas comes before anyone else’s’ wants or needs.

?

The way the OP is written is just so biased towards the "poor, beaten down husband" that it does make me think there is no objectivity at all in the post.

I think if it's all fair then alternating years, one with the mums family and one at home or doing what the dad wanted would have been the obvious solution. However, if the mum would have been the one doing all the hosting/ cooking/ looking after kids at home while the dad sits around relaxing and enjoying a drink i can 100% see why she would rather go out for the day, gets some company, doesn't have all the pressure on her and I personally think going out for Christmas makes it feel like more of an event.

Also the dad deciding to volunteer to work christmas rather than spend the day with his wife, kids and in laws doesn't make me think he just cares so much about what the kids want to do and wants to enjoy the day with his children. It really seems like he does just want to be lazy and if he's not getting his own way he would rather be at work (on what i imagine is not a very busy day, most places it isn't, but i could be wrong).

Basically if dad is that fine with not seeing the family at all over Christmas day i struggle to believe that he would have been a really involved host/ father/ husband on Christmas day regardless of venue.

Is he a lovely attractive colleague working Xmas day with you OP? ;)

Wow. Is this for real?

Nobody knows what goes on in anyone else's household.

I don't think we (or you) have enough information to pass any judgement on this one.

Even the phrase "the wife has insisted" is loaded and one sided. For all we know, he could be a heavy drinker (or a myriad of other possibilities) when he's at home and Christmas Day is the one day of the year that she wants not to have to deal with it.

The wife sounds like a controlling twat and her family sound miserable.

I feel sorry for the kids as well as the husband tbh.
They get barely any time to enjoy presents at home in peace. Family playing together and so on.
I think he is not standing up to her because he might be worried she will take kids and he will end up spending it alone at home

I mean the amount of threads this time of year which are "my husband/parents/MIL don't want to do Christmas exactly how i want to do Christmas" this level of ridgid behaviour does none of us any favours.

I'm not really clear what the AIBU is here. It seems this situation has been going on for years so by now - however right or wrong it is - its ingrained in habit and "its what we always do" kind of attitude so its going to be really hard to change that.

Yes the wife has been unreasonable - but also the husband could of been more firm years ago insisting on alternate years, one year at home, next year at his in laws.
If he's calling the wife a bully my guess is that this isn't the only area where she gets her own way all the time. It's possible for men to be in a controlling relationship as well.

Christmas is not “all about the kids”.

Wife is bringing unreasonable to not be flexible, however if they spend the day at home, would the wife be the one doing the cooking/cleaning/entertaining? If so, then she’s not unreasonable to want to go to her parents where she can also enjoy xmas and relax (assuming her parents are happy to host)

She does sound very controlling and selfish.

Im not quite sure who you are in all of this but it sounds like you’re very much on his side. But of course we only ever know one side in any thread.

I find it hard to understand tbh when the woman is the bully - because objectively the power in any marriage is with the man - both due to his physical power and because of the way society is set up.

But I guess some personalities will always dominate others regardless of the objective “cards”, so to speak.

He is not unreasonable to want to choose how they spend Christmas some of the time (half the time if they can’t compromise ever)

The one year I spent Christmas day at home with (now ex) DP and young DC as he insisted, I did all the cooking and cleaning. Id done all the shopping, wrapping etc. He laid around drinking and ignoring the DC.
So no thank you.

But my mums home is my DCs second home. They have their own rooms etc there so love being there as much as at home. We help with cooking, cleaning etc. Its much more chilled for everyone.

I don’t think the wife should be the one deciding all Christmas plans, but I also don’t see why kids need to stay at home at Christmas. I used to love visiting my family as a child on Christmas Day (no cousins or other kids so just with adults). What do the kids actually want to do? Sounds they’re old enough to have a say too.

Is the husband some kind of remote control robot? Surely if he refuses to drive to in-laws, and the wife doesn’t drive, she can’t force him to drive.

Presumably you are husband’s mother.

Is he saying that wife’s bullying him because he doesn’t want to come to you but is trying to protect your feelings?

Christmas doesn't belong to just her. It would be fair to alternate and then they're both covered. I also think it's inconsiderate to take the DC away from their own home every year.

Sounds terrible, of course. Alternating years would be a good compromise. I can totally understand the appeal of staying home for Christmas, so much so that after running the roads for the entire ten years DH and I have been together, this year, with a four year old and a 9 month old, I’m putting my foot down and we’re all staying home!

Are they very religious and anti commercial Christmas?

Anyway my grandparents believed children should always have Christmas at home, and thats been the rule for my family (generally anyway)

Edit as we cross posted OP. Maybe he just hates Christmas and has come up with a "evil inlaws, mean wife" excuse. I worked with a wonderful woman who would always work Christmas as she hates it.

What a selfish wife, never would I my wants always before my hubby. We do Christmas day just us and our kids and they all get up when they want chill have a lovely breakfast then presents then chill and eat and watch family films and play etc. No stick routine just all relaxed and a pyjama day usually lol...Next day we do both parents for a few hours at each :)

IMO if there are strong feelings about how Christmas should be spent (and the kids are too young to chip in their own opinions) then the only fair compromise is to move to alternating years.

One year with her family and the next year whatever he wants to do. His wife does not come across well TBH and sounds like a demanding PITA.