Disagreement over how to spend Christmas day

It is so clear you are the husband's mother.

You will only hear his side of the story, and it will only be told so that you can take your precious boys side.

@INeedAnotherNameamazing but I shopped, my DH cooked and as a very tidy cook only the actual dishes we ate off were left to do after dinner. If it ever falls on just one parent to do it all shame on both of them (the martyr doing it and the non participate). But even if it was as you put it, that’s no reason to insist 10.30 to midnight at her parents. He offered alternatives. She could compromise.

Is he just a friend?

How old are the kids now? And how long has he chosen to work and spend the day apart from them?

On the face of it, the wife sounds unreasonable for not taking into account her husband's (and the kids?) wishes. But the husband also sounds unreasonable for deciding to ditch all of them and go to work instead.

Poor kids.

You clearly don’t know the wife and you also clearly spend a lot of time with this man where he bitches about his wife and bad mouths her.

so something is very off here. Again, who are you to him?

Sorry - affair partner. OP has since clarified she isn't, so I apologise to her. 😀

Oh come on OP. Youre clearly biased towards the husband.
I don’t think the wife is unreasonable-I reckon she knows if she hosts then she will spend the whole day cooking and running around after everyone, and the build up getting the house spotless. Maybe if the husband cares so much he should offer to do all the leg work! Opting out of christmas with YOU KIDS because you don’t agree with the wife’s plans is absolutely pathetic. I wonder what his poor kids think.

I don’t agree that Christmas is all about the kids. It’s about everyone. Someone compromises each time but not always the same person year after year.

I’ve been thinking about this a fair bit recently and I think it’s more systemic than this. I think that generally, traditionally, women are the ones who carry the mental and emotional burdens of the entire family. They’re planning the Christmas, they’re buying and wrapping the gifts, they’re juggling the schedules of everyone’s time commitments. In households where this is the case, the men are often only too happy to keep back and not input into this (because they can’t be bothered) but maintain the illusion of being the head/provider because they go out to work. To put their foot down and insist that a part of the orchestrated plans (by the wife) change to suit them leaves them wide open to being burdened more generally - and so I think they keep quiet to maintain their status quo.

"We always used to visit people on Christmas Day when I was growing up & I hated it,"

The opposite for me. Once we didn't go to my maternal grandparents' Christmas was never the same again. I suppose it's where you make your best memories.

Hi Husbands Mum,

What does your son contribute to Christmas Day? If they stay home is he promising to make everyones Christmas dinner for them and do the dishes afterwards? Or is he “having a drink and eating crap” while his wife does it?

Did he buy and wrap all the presents for his kids? For his own family? Chances are he doesn’t do his wife wants to chill out at her own families house for the day. & that he often works Christmases and so she’s used to having to manage the day on her own.

Of course she could be a bit more flexible but your OP is not the full story, I am sure of that.

Wife is being very selfish. Let her go to her parents and the husband stays home,let's the children play with their presents,then goes with the children to his parents for the rest of the day. Husband needs to put his foot down now. Wife has had her way for far too long.

But we don't know that the kids don't like it. If they've always gone to the gps' for Christmas, maybe that's what they like. For children it's often the more the merrier when it comes to 'family playing together'.

"Thinking back, my own mother was a bit of a bully towards my father so it must be a more common dynamic that I originally thought."

Well, you often have a dominant person, but that can be a dynamic they both buy into. It's not always bullying. Consider Keeping up Appearances. There's obviously something in it for Richard to let Hyacinth make all the decisions. Obviously, I don't condone real bullying or coercive control.

I don’t understand why he has to drive when the OP has said she has a car and drives. I’d like to hear the other side. Is he a lazy bastard and would he just sit on his arse drinking all day if they stayed home?

How old are the kids now?

Don't they get a say?

Does he ever see his own family?

"I don't agree that Christmas is "all about the kids"

I think it's at least to some extent about kids just like New Year's Eve is mainly for adults.

I don't think it matters so much what the kids want, they'll be happy with presents and chocolate and a happy family. What does matter is that husband and wife here want to spend Xmas differently and there's zero compromise from the wife. He doesn't need a reason about "what's fair on the kids", his preferences should be listened to and accommodated half the time if they can't agree on best way to spend Xmas.

"There's an option available, even if it's a taxi."

OK, I haven't RTFT yet, but taxi really isn't an option if the gp live hours away. And there's no public transport on Christmas Day. I think staying the night could be a better option than driving at 11pm...

I think the same , the poster is his mum .

Absolutely this

We always used to visit people on Christmas Day when I was growing up & I hated it, so always swore that I would only stay at home for Christmas once I had kids! Family welcome to visit us, but my DCs are going nowhere!

The wife (as this is depicted) sounds very controlling and not particularly nice to her DH at all & he sounds like a wet lettuce & a crap dad, choosing to work & miss out on Christmas with his DCs rather than insisting on a change (at least for one year!).

Everyone is unreasonable in this scenario. Poor kids!

What's an "AP" ?
(not that I'm the OP - I am just curious)

OP, are you an AP?