Disagreement over how to spend Christmas day

If I were him, I'd crack a bottle open right after breakfast and down several glasses of it, thereby excusing myself from chauffeur duties.

More than a friend, even if she’s not shagging him, yet, this man ditches his own kids on Christmas, bitches to another woman about his wife, and the op is lapping it up. One hundred percent it’s not what’s presented here. What a prince among men. Not.

As you are neither the husband nor the wife in this situation, and you only have the husband's side of the story to go on, obviously you don't know everything but from how you describe it, it looks like the vast majority of us agree that the wife is a bully, controlling, and unyielding in this matter.
It is unfair for one partner to always have to do the driving no matter what the circumstance is if they would like to have a drink and cut loose a bit. Typically the man does the driving in a relationship, (not sure why that is but that's usual) but in the case of going to a get together when one person would like to drink, it is fair to balance the driving duties.
In this situation, considering that it was her in-laws, considering that she was absolutely unwilling to compromise on the scheduling, considering that it was an exceptionally long day, approximately 12 hours, spent at the in-laws house, and he did not particularly enjoy it, that is pretty mean to make sure that he also can't even have a few drinks.
It's possible that Christmas is the most important holiday to her and her family was super important only living 10 minutes walk away, and he gets to choose other things in the relationship and this is the one thing that she gets for herself, that's possible. But from how you describe it, she sounds insufferable and impossible.
But we don't know the whole story.

And yes, people have commented that once the children were old enough that he felt he could make a reasonable excuse of "well I have to work Christmas Day"... He took on the extra hours so that he could be away from this but I absolutely don't blame him for bailing out. Look at what he's got to look forward to. Get up early, kids open the presents, by 10:30 bundle everybody up, go over to the in-laws and sit on the couch for the next 12 hours until 11:00 p.m. and then go home. Yay. No thanks I'd rather get the overtime at work too. I'm sure that the wife was still able to go over to the in-laws and spend Christmas the way that she wanted anyway call me you said that she had a car and she drove and they only live 10 minutes walk away anyway... So it's not like he was ruining Christmas for the family, he was getting away from a bad situation. Makes you wonder how much the kids really enjoyed going to Grandma and Grandpa's for the whole day on Christmas but, didn't hear about their side of the story. Maybe they got lots and lots of gifts and had a good time. Maybe they were stuck sitting on the couch with nothing to do but listen to the grown up stock. Hopefully not. Christmas is supposed to be enjoyment for everyone.

You say this happened years ago, mother-in-law is now deceased, and you're just hearing this story and you just wondered what other people thought. Well, from what we're hearing, I would not want to be put in that situation that the husband was put in.
And imagine if somebody had posted this only the gender roles were reversed, the wife was the one being dragged along all these times, the husband was absolutely impossible to reason with an unyielding as to his demands. Everyone would be saying "divorce him". Anyway, question asked, question answered

I was feeling more balanced on this until he then offered to work Christmas Day, what a whopper! Also the fact that he ‘didn’t get to do all of that Christmas stuff with his kids’ is just an excuse. It’s just one day. We are on the move a lot to different family members on Christmas Day as we see it as important to see family and spend time with them on that day but have home based traditions leading up to Christmas and a full blown Christmas Eve in the house with ham and turkey barns and Christmas music and games etc. I bet you a million pounds he didn’t pull his weight and make Christmas Christmassy on any of the other days! 😂

If I were her I would’ve agreed to one year and if he didn’t pull his weight with chores and the kids then that would be that.

Also 10 min journey- get a taxi home so he can have a drink. Or leave earlier as a compromise?

Yes, even to the point of calling the wife’s parents the ‘in-laws’. Bit of a give away of who the OP is identifying with!

Of course OPs are always written from one perspective, but at least it’s normally a first hand perspective, not second hand hearsay like this.

What has it got to do with you?I'm not trying to be rude but as you won't say how you are related to the situation so it isn't clear how this affects you.

He didn't have to go to his inlaws every year. He could have stood staunch and told her to go and kept his kids with him or discussed and agreed to go after lunch or decided not to go at all but her and the kids go ahead. He chose to be a soft touch and avoid any kind of drama over it and opted to work instead. If he feels he has missed out then that is on him He needed to physically speak up for himself. He could still do that now but it needs to be him that does it. If he has asked you to garner opinions then I don't see how that helps as he isn't willing to do anything about it. She may well be a dominant character but he is a wet wipe so perhaps they are better suited than you or I think.

Exactly! I bet if this was the husband insisting on them going to his parents every year the replies would be different!

What about the husband's parents? Don't they get to see their son and grandkids ever at Christmas?

It is when you have young children.

With the important caveat all else being equal, I think the husband should just simply say, 'no, I'm not doing that this year' and if the kids are old enough he should make sure they get a choice too.

Of course, because women/wives can never be bullies/abusive can they?

Wife U.

H has been VU to cave in every year then to opt out and go to work, adding to the shitness for the DC.

The husband should really have put his foot down and insisted that his wishes were considered at least every other year (the same as the wife should have put her foot down if it was the other way round).
What’s all this about not being “allowed” - no one should be the boss in a relationship.

I really think you should stay out of this and mind you own business. I'm sure you'll say "oh I am", but giving other people's Christmas arrangements headspace is not staying out of it really.

The version you tell - the version that I'm sure has been told to you - is very one sided. It is clear that the person who told you this (I'm assuming the husband) very much wanted the husband to be seen as downtrodden by his selfish wife.

Beware of believing this. Relationships are complex and nobody outside of them truly knows what is going on inside of them. This couple have clearly been together many years and there is obviously a wider context to both their marriage and the decisions about where to spend Christmas- none of which you have been told.

The way this tale has been told to you is rather manipulative and makes me wonder wonder about exactly what else has been omitted or spun in a certain way. The husband could very easily have dealt with this situation years ago by saying no. The fact that he leaves his children on Christmas Day to voluntarily go to work just because he doesn't want to go to his in-laws doesn't exactly cover him in glory. To be honest it suggests he's a petulant, selfish asshole who sulks and tries to ruin things for others (or at the very least opts out of family life) if he doesn't get husband own way. And the fact that he spins that to make him look like a victim is really manipulative. If that's what hes like more generally I'm not surprised his wife doesn't want to spend Christmas Day at home with him.

Don't let him manipulate you into believing his side of the story, or into giving this any more headspace

I'm surprised they are still married. She's awful and his reaction is awful for his children.

Both are being unreasonable.

The wife insisting on her way every single Christmas for, what, at least 10 years? Ludicrous.

The husband for being a cop out and working instead of spending time with his kids at Christmas. Pathetic.

I was one of those kids and I found it so tedious that every Christmas Day had to be spent going to grandparents house where there was nothing to do and everything was rigid and boring AF. Every year it was the same - must do X by 1pm, must do Y by 3pm etc there was no spontaneity, no deviating from the same plan, no fun.

My GP weren't horrible people but they were just boring and uninterested in me. Now I am an adult I love choosing different things to do at Christmas and not feeling like you must spend the day a certain way otherwise its illegal.

“The in-laws don't drink so it's always a subdued affair”

Do you think people only have fun when there’s alcohol involved? I’ve been to a lot of teetotal events that have been the opposite of subdued.

OK you're not the husband OP sorry.
Couples have to find ways to agree how to spend their time as a family. I bet Christmas day is not the only bone of contention. They need to reach a compromise and both are responsible for making that happen.

If you’re not related to him or having an affair why can’t you eat who you are in the scenario?

Husband tells wife he’s not driving this year and he will not budge on that

OP are you ABSOLUTELY CERTAIN that you are not the husband in this scenario?

IMO they’re both BU in different ways.

She’s selfish with her weird parents Christmas obsession, he’s selfish in having a volunteer job as a cop out and leaving his kids to also have a mid boring Christmas. He should have put his foot down about it a long time ago.

Just seen you're not his mother (allegedly), so I now guess you are in your late 20s and shagging the husband.