Partner won’t change Trust

Your partner is hardly a partner, but why oh why did you have a child, and give up work, and make yourself so vulnerable?

It's not the 19th century. Women are allowed to work, earn & keep their own money, buy their own house, and require a partner to be an actual partner.

He's a dick, but you're a bit of an idiot.

I don't think wasting money on legal advice is a good idea, she can look up how much money her child would get in maintenance on the CMS website.

Does he have a wife and kids separate to you both? I ask because his behaviour is so strange - who else would his trust benefit if not his child?! He is not a partner to you at all. I would seek legal advice on the sort of support you might received if you split as that might be a better option than what is going on atm.

Good advice, @Haroldwilson.

Even though you’re not married your son will be classed as his family, so will inherit! It’s very clear he says his trust is to benefit his family!

Exactly, and this is what a relationship should be - a team, regardless of whether it’s the man or the woman who’s better off financially (although let’s face it, in most cases it’s the woman who’s worse off due to having children).

I think you just need to have open eyes. He doesn't want to be financially connected to you, for now and maybe forever. He's probably heard scare stories about men marrying and losing a lot of money in divorce. He's got three houses, a family trust and you've been together 5 years. You can see it would be a lot to lose.

So that's him. Your choice is what you do. I wouldn't be paying rent or bills if he can afford it easily, build up a fund of your own in case it all goes to pot. If he's supporting you through your degree, that's something. You need a plan for if he turns around and says leave, whether now or in 10, 20 or 30 years time.

I think separate finances can work but don't be naive and protect your own interests.

He's not your partner.
Whose idea was it to have a child exactly and why?

Either way, a disaster for you.
Is he really prepared to fund your degree?
You are in a really precarious position.

I think at this point any trust you might have had in him would be gone... he could placate you, agree with everything you say and still do nothing.
I agree with a PP.. do your training, get your qualifications and then a job & save up enough for yourself & your son to leave.
Grab copies of any paperwork you find during this time, and play the long game...
What are the rest of his family like?

As an intelligent woman, I can’t believe you had a child with a man who loves himself and money so much more than you. You’ve made yourself very vulnerable by not insisting on marriage or a legal agreement/ name in deeds before having the child.
Give him a deadline to put your name on the deeds… I bet he won’t and then you know everything you need to know about this ‘man’ and his love for you both.

Sure, he can write a will.

And write another one the following week to change it and not tell her

My daughter went through this. But only one child. And they broke up.

House got split 50/50. After a battle.

We the grandparents now run a Trust for the wee lass as dd can't afford savings & The Feckless Wonder does nothing.

However, the dad is now with another woan in another house. No child though. I wonder what his new partner thinks re Wills & inheritances.

PS In Scotland.

PPS We took legal advice. Be wary if JISAs & Bare Trusts law should the child die. You won't like who might take over the funds.

This is the risk of having children without the security of marriage.

A lot of people say it's just a piece of paper, but it's a very important piece of paper.

I'm surprised that he doesn't want to ensure your son is financially provided for if he were to pass away, but as long he is registered as his father (birth certificate) , then he wouldn't be left or of his estate.. but it may be a battle, if he had not mentioned your son in his will or anything.

It would honestly make me question the relationship. Your partner are that the two of you are far apart financially and doesn't want to 'lose' out, but to not ensure his child is taken care of is worrying.

OP, I have family money and also earn double what my partner earns. I still married him, have bought a house with him, we've got a joint account etc. That is because I love him and I can't imagine being in a situation where, for example, I can comfortably retire and yet he'd have to struggle on for another decade at least. We're a team and I want us to both be comfortable and for us both to be able to take care of our children if either of us died.

This. I would forget about him- when you’re separated you won’t need to worry about this stuff

I very much doubt he’ll engage in this what happens if he does stuff because look, the reality is, the chances are tiny.
I’d also consider the value in insuring him and paying the premiums when he’s so young and in good health.

I think your son would have a claim against his estate but that is likely 40 years away. It’s a shame he’s going to make him take legal action to get it, but at the same time, he might also change his mind when he’s older and change the will.

There is no “our” property, there is only his property. If he were to die intestate then your son would inherit, but if he has made a will leaving everything to someone else, then your son won’t get anything.
I don’t understand why you didn’t iron all this out before having a child with him, or was it an unexpected pregnancy?
He is a totally feckless father if he is refusing to make any provision for his son, it’s a basic requirement of being a parent, surely ? He is also not committed to you at all. Do you really want to stay with him ? He needs to sit down with you and be totally honest as to his finances and his refusal to either marry or make a clear plan for what could happen in the event of his death, or if you became ill etc.

He has no life insurance either.

What a prince 🙄
Take put your own policy on him and pay for it yourself. It is possible to do this.

Edit:
He won’t even tell me his salary 🤷🏼‍♀️
Fuck me... this is SO wrong.
HOW have you had a child with him? Do yourself a favour - stay in work and do not have another child unless this radically improves.
I'd also lie about your salary and siphon a fixed amount of cash off every month into a savings account / ISA (At some point you and your child will likely need it).

Dont feel bad about lying.

He is more than happy to lie to you and your relationship isnt based on trust / openess / partnership anyway...

If you’re living together as a family with a child together you’re in the role of a wife, not a girlfriend. But the op was foolish to give him all the benefits of marriage without the financial protection it offers in return.

He doesn't want to.

This is so frustrating! I am so very sorry you are dealing with this. He has told you clearly that you and the kid aren't his family. So my question is: why are you with him? What does he bring to the table (other than money)?

He's very clear on where you stand. Where does he stand with you?

He has a moral and legal duty to not disinherit his first son by dint of a second family.

By all means he should also make provision for the child that he has with you.

In regards to the question “How will I look after our property for our son?” id change “our property” as he will instantly have the argument it’s not your property it’s his. I’m sure you’ve made it a lovely home but if it’s in his name it’s actually not yours at all.

try to stay neutral when speaking to him and try not to respond and considering it an information gathering exercise. Then you know what decisions you need to make moving forward. Don’t feel you have to problem solve everything in one conversation! Good luck!

Does he have a will? If he doesn’t get him to write one and make sure he includes his child in it. My understanding though is that if he passed away his child would inherit by default. Does the trust supersede that I wonder?

@SingingOcean My guess is that the OP is several years younger so he’s more established.

Ultimately, she could do quite well out of this arrangement if she’s getting free accommodation while she trains, the issue is whether they break up before she’s qualified. She needs a contingency plan in the event that this happens.

She can insure his life. She has an interest in it so it’s insurance by her. He just has to agree to answer the questions.