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AIBU?

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Original poster

Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

215 replies

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 07:05

I’d really appreciate some advice or to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation. Family means a lot to me. I grew up very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with both sides of the family. I have so many great memories and strong relationships with my cousins because of that, and I want the same for my child (DS1).

My in-laws (MIL and FIL) don’t live nearby, so DS1 hasn’t spent much time with them. They’ve recently asked to have him for a weekend, which I would genuinely love. I want them to have a close bond.

The problem is my SIL and BIL’s child, who is 3. They’re a handful (I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things).

The child often with my in-laws, as they do a lot of childcare and live on the same street. The child treats their home like their second house and spends most weekends there too.

When I’ve visited, the child plays very roughly with DS1, doesn’t share, and rarely calms down. I’ve had to step in several times to protect DS1 while the adults just laugh it off. They tend to appease the child with sweets, fizzy drinks, and an iPad, and no one ever steps in or corrects the behaviour.

My dilemma is that the only reason I don’t want DS1 staying there without me is because the other grandchild will almost certainly be there. I could go along and supervise, but then I spend the whole time intervening and the grandparents don’t actually get to properly bond with DS1 because the other child demands all the attention.

I feel torn. I don’t want to upset my in-laws or cause tension with my SIL’s family, but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DS1 in an environment where he might be pushed around and no one steps in.

AIBU?
YABU – You’re being too soft; DC1 will have to deal with bullies at some point.

YANBU – DS1 is still developing and used to a calm environment; early exposure to rough or bullying behaviour isn’t acceptable.

Thanks, everyone.

OP posts:
RedToothBrush · 28/11/2025 07:56

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 07:19

Thanks for your input (I think).

They act in a way that can feel quite bullying, though I realise that’s a strong word to use for a three-year-old. I understand it’s a boisterous age, but the main concern is that their behaviour often goes unchecked, with no real consequences.

Other children end up affected because it’s allowed to continue.
For example, on one occasion, the child kept snatching toys and pushed my son in his walker.
He almost slid off the edge of a step, but I managed to catch him just in time. So perhaps “bully” wasn’t the best word, it’s more about the fact that the adults don’t step in when they should.

Maybe I should have used the word mean, instead. Can a 3 year old be mean?

Show quote history

If this is the case, then your in-laws are struggling to look after their grandchild. They are out of their depth.

This is the reason not to leave your child with them, not the other grandchild.

puppymaddness · 28/11/2025 07:54

Lord get a grip. The child is 3. 3 year olds don't share and they definitely snatch. They are neither bullies nor mean. They are 3.

Poppingby · 28/11/2025 07:53

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 07:41

I have considered this too. I’d have strict rules about no sugar, no screens. I’d like to think they’d respect that.

Show quote history

They definitely won't respect that. That's one of the things you have to weigh up with your desire for a close family relationship - the fact they will do things differently from you. I'm of the opinion that's good for kids (my MIL used to take mine to church - I'm a staunch atheist) but maybe 1 is a bit little if you're going to worry? You can say not yet and fix a date say 6 months away to show you really want to do it?

BunfightBetty · 28/11/2025 07:51

I hear what pp are saying about 3 year olds not being bullies, but some children have more dominant/forceful personalities than others and those children, if unguided and uncorrected, can act in ways that are miserable for the other children around them. This is especially hard if the other child is younger, smaller and less strong.

I’d be saying no to sleepovers without you at this stage. 1 is very young anyway, and the grandparents clearly can’t be trusted to correct and guide the cousin. Encourage the grandparents to visit you more and take your child out by themselves for a couple of hours for now.

pinkdelight · 28/11/2025 07:51

I wouldn’t be sending my 1yo away for a w/e anyway. I know people do but you say he’s not close to the gps plus this cousin issue. They’re too young for it to be bullying but a 1yo needs his parents around regardless and I’d want to be there until he’s older and this 3yo has (hopefully) grown out of this dynamic.

Zempy · 28/11/2025 07:50

But couldn’t they spend extended time with DC at your house?

While you and DH pop off to Paris?

No need to be at GPs.

GooseyGandalf · 28/11/2025 07:49

The problem isn’t the 3 year old, it’s incompetent adult supervision.
3 is a boisterous age, and needs close supervision around a smaller child, and modelling and correction.

Sweets, and fizzy drinks are absolutely unnecessary, awful for teeth and dc’s digestion.

Screens are going to be the biggest hurdle to gp bonding.

Sorry op but I think you’re going to have to accept that your dc isn’t blessed with the kind of gps that you bonded with.

YellowCherry · 28/11/2025 07:47

Personally I think a one year old is too young to spend a weekend with grandparents without you or DH there, regardless of the 3yo cousin. Plenty of time for bonding with them in the future.

Timeforaglassofwine · 28/11/2025 07:46

I think its fair for @browser2025 to use the term bully. Yes a 3 year old doesn't have the capacity to be a bully as such, but his targeted behaviours can certainly be described as bullying, which aren't being corrected by adults. A 3 year old pushing around a 1 year old is a pretty big power imbalance, and the messages supervising adults are teaching the 3 year old, by not correcting, is that his behaviour is acceptable. He'll be a nightmare at nursery and then school, if this is how he is being taught now. Protect your baby @browser2025, I don't think you are being precious.

ForCraftyWriter · 28/11/2025 07:45

Is it an option to ask the bil/sil to not send the 3 year old round that weekend as difficult for pil to manage both children til they’re used to having your one year old?

DeftGoldHedgehog · 28/11/2025 07:43

One is probably a bit young to be at grandparents for the weekend anyway. His dad, sure. I think DD1 was three before she spent that long with GPs, and she knew them very well as they had looked after her one day a week since she was one. Maybe let them take him.for a day and see how they get on.

WhamBamThankU · 28/11/2025 07:42

Yabu, a 3 year old is not a bully. If anything they’re a victim of shit parenting.

Original poster
browser2025 · 28/11/2025 07:41

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/11/2025 07:35

Irrespective of whether the cousin is there, I don't think I'd want my child spending loads of time with grandparents who don't intervene when they're misbehaving, and reward bad behaviour with screens and give them fizzy drinks

I have considered this too. I’d have strict rules about no sugar, no screens. I’d like to think they’d respect that.

OP posts:
PrizedPickledPopcorn · 28/11/2025 07:41

His behaviour isn’t odd, and yes 3 yr olds and 1yr olds take a lot of supervision.

I would definitely have them staying with you to build the bond. I certainly wouldn’t send my 1yr old to stay with grandparents that don’t live round the corner.

To be honest, I wouldn’t send them to stay with people who give 3yr olds fizzy drinks sweets and iPads, to be honest.

Keep the fun at your house where it can be safer!

Spirallingdownwards · 28/11/2025 07:40

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 07:19

Thanks for your input (I think).

They act in a way that can feel quite bullying, though I realise that’s a strong word to use for a three-year-old. I understand it’s a boisterous age, but the main concern is that their behaviour often goes unchecked, with no real consequences.

Other children end up affected because it’s allowed to continue.
For example, on one occasion, the child kept snatching toys and pushed my son in his walker.
He almost slid off the edge of a step, but I managed to catch him just in time. So perhaps “bully” wasn’t the best word, it’s more about the fact that the adults don’t step in when they should.

Maybe I should have used the word mean, instead. Can a 3 year old be mean?

Show quote history

No the child isn't a bully
No the child isn't mean.

The adults are the ones you should have a problem with in that they are the ones who have not set boundaries.

DeftGoldHedgehog · 28/11/2025 07:40

How old is DC? How do they feel about it? Why would DPs need to have both kids for the weekend?

Motnight · 28/11/2025 07:39

I don't understand why you are blaming a 3 year old instead of the adults, Op. Regardless it doesn't sound like a good idea for your child to do sleepovers.

TangerinePlate · 28/11/2025 07:39

HloldingonbYathread · 28/11/2025 07:13

You sound very judgemental and very precious in your own kid. You can not wrap
him up in wool. Let him go and have fun with the cousin and unclench

“Unclench and let them have fun”

😂😂😂

Fun for the other child might not be funny for OP’s child.
It doesn’t take long for accident to happen when supervising adults minimise the impact of a child who doesn’t know right from wrong.

”oops,sorry” doesn’t fix the behaviour of out of control child regardless of age. It also doesn’t fix injuries sustained.

Speaking from experience

I heard
“I don’t know how it happened”
“I didn’t think it would do any harm”
”Oh,he was tired/upset/not well”
”I only turned away for a minute”

All excuses under the sun while the little darling runs riot.

Original poster
browser2025 · 28/11/2025 07:37

My son is 1

OP posts:
Original poster
browser2025 · 28/11/2025 07:37

I guess it just doesn’t seem like normal 3yo behaviour to me, as I have other nieces and nephews. They were never like this at that age and I’d never feel uneasy leaving a child unattended near them. But I agree that regardless of their nature, the child isn’t the problem at that age, if the supervising adults aren’t correcting their behaviour. The word bully was wrong. But the child could turn into a bully I’m sure, if they continue to go unchecked.

The grandparents do spend time at ours instead. But they still would like a closer bond and more time.

OP posts:
IamnotSethRogan · 28/11/2025 07:37

How old is your DS? Sorry if I missed it!

Tangelablue · 28/11/2025 07:36

How old is your child? Does the 3year old spend any time with other children? If he's with adults all the time then he's going to struggle to know how to play and share with other children. It's your job to protect your child and if you think leaving him isn't safe then don't leave him.

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 28/11/2025 07:35

Irrespective of whether the cousin is there, I don't think I'd want my child spending loads of time with grandparents who don't intervene when they're misbehaving, and reward bad behaviour with screens and give them fizzy drinks

Oneearringlost · 28/11/2025 07:35

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 07:19

Thanks for your input (I think).

They act in a way that can feel quite bullying, though I realise that’s a strong word to use for a three-year-old. I understand it’s a boisterous age, but the main concern is that their behaviour often goes unchecked, with no real consequences.

Other children end up affected because it’s allowed to continue.
For example, on one occasion, the child kept snatching toys and pushed my son in his walker.
He almost slid off the edge of a step, but I managed to catch him just in time. So perhaps “bully” wasn’t the best word, it’s more about the fact that the adults don’t step in when they should.

Maybe I should have used the word mean, instead. Can a 3 year old be mean?

Show quote history

Oh, OP, I think you're wrong in using both the word "bully" and "mean".
He's 3! Life is very egocentric, for a three year old. I concede that maybe, if your LO is smaller, then parents/grandparents need to supervise, if they are together.
However, my own neice and nephew used to come and stay, frequently. They absolutely bounced off the walls, were noisy, maybe "rough" at times, didn't share, etc...
They are in their 20s now, and are truly, excellent people, who I would be proud to be parents of.

My 3 and they are close, despite geographical distance.
Don't write him off, with rather cruel ( if I'm honest) language. Because, he will become, ( in your mind), what you call him. And that's not necessarily true.

AmethystDeceiver · 28/11/2025 07:33

Is your child 1?

The problem isn't that your nephew is a bully, 3 year olds are just like that, it comes with the territory. Your placid 1 year old may well be a demon 3 year old - some of them are!

The problem is that your in laws can't supervise him well (this is not really their job anyway, it's the parents job). Your in laws don't sound up for looking after 2 kids under 3, which is fair enough. This isn't on your nephew at all, but your in laws aren't going to manage them both at that same time, so I'd leave it until the kids are a bit older.

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