Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

But they still would like a closer bond and more time.

Which they can have whilst visiting you.

They don't need visits or overnights without you there for that to happen.

This is also true. They could be starting school in 9 months time and definitely won't get away with pushing and shoving then! But probably won't try it with children the same size.
At 4 children definitely can be malicious - in Reception my daughter had another girl chop her hair off and tell her that her mum was going to kill me in my sleep!

A three year old can't be mean either. It sounds to me that you have very little experience of DC other than your own and you are very protective. A long sleepover is probably not ideal since you will worry. Let DS1 spend a day, perhaps? Pretty sure DGP's won't let your DS1 be pushed down steps - they will know that's not on. But if you are there then you are expected to look out for your DC. You know, in 10 years' time quite likely DS1 and cousin will be good friends.

I would never teach my son (or daughter) to hit back, no matter what age or gender.

Is your child only 1? Still a baby? Very young to stay alone with people he doesn’t know well apart from anything else.

It is absolutely possible for an inappropriately supervised and boisterous three year old to injure a one year old quite badly. It’s also likely that a three year old who isn’t used to it will resent attention paid by ‘his’ grandparents to another child.

I’d just say no. Too young.

The issue isn't the 'bully child', it's that the adults in this scenario are useless and can't be trusted to manage the two kids together in a way that is safe for them.

If I had a 1yo around a boisterous 3yo, I'd be constantly hovering ready to intervene to protect the smaller one (and the larger one, mobile babies can do a great job of hitting and pulling hair!).

The adults sound lazy.

In any case, absolutely no need for grandparents to have a 1yo on their own for a weekend. When you mentioned this, I thought you'd be talking about a 4yo or older.

Being less critical of the 3yo is a good move.

A 3 yo is the product of their environment so he's behaving as he's been allowed to behave.

Also remember that the 3yo will be used to all the attention and all the toys to themselves so sharing with a cousin is a big change.

The issue though is the supervision and the behaviour of the adults. 3yo's don't choose to have fizzy drinks - that's the choice of the adults. As is the not correcting rough behaviour.

The advice is not to leave a 1yo with their grandparents all weekend if you can’t trust them.

Could you word it differently. Could you chat with the Grandparents letting them know how much you’d welcome them spending time with you DS but maybe at a time when your nephew is less physically boisterous or your DS is old enough to manage nephew’s physicality for himself?

No - they can be badly behaved and if they behaviour goes unchecked then they can become bullies as they get older.

3yo’s just don’t have the awareness or thought process to deliberately target someone and bully them in the way older children do.

I don't necessarily think you'll be eating your words, it depends on how extreme your DN behaviour is. My 3yo is a ball of energy at times but no one would ever say he plays 'very roughly' and if they did I would consider this to be a problem. I recognise children who behave the way your DN does and I don't enjoy spending time around them (FWIW my DS doesn't either).

I think it would be tricky to stipulate that your 1yo can only stay over at GPs if DN isn't there. You know your family dynamic better than me, but if I made this suggestion (unless the behaviour was extreme) I can't imagine it going down well.

Agree with others - a 3yo is not a bully, but they DO need supervision and guidance around a younger child. I am inferring that DS1 is not ‘DS no 1’ but DS who is 1yo? In which case, you really do not need to be doing sleepovers to develop a bond with GPs yet.

Mine used to go for weekend visits and a week every summer from about 4&7. GPs visited us a few times a year for a few days from birth to present (they are 17 and 20 now), and we did lots of days out. My DCs adore their GPs. Bonding over Gdad cocking up in cluedo, DNan fussing over whether to peel 3 or 4 sprouts per person at Christmas and getting tipsy on Champagne with their dad in the process, the garden shed that GDad spent one summer converting into a 2 story play house etc. Loads and loads of ways of building and supporting that relationship without needing to expose your very young DS to a 3yo who is still learning the rules and how to self regulate.

Don’t over think it and try not to judge your 3yo DN. You’re not ready yet and that is totally fine.

I won't go into the wrongs and rights of this situation. Bottom line, if you don't feel happy leaving your child with their GPs for a weekend, don't. You can't control what others do, but you can control what happens to your own child. A one year old doesn't need to be left overnight or even during the day to build a relationship with his wider family.

Sure, but it’s very interesting when posters only address this and completely omit to also offer any practical suggestions to help the OP in her dilemma.

I don't mean to be insensitive in case your DS's other parent (child of PILs and sibling of BIL or SIL) is not available/present. But otherwise, it makes sense to have him/her take the lead here because of: (1) being a better judge/interpreter of the extended family dynamic because of having grown up with it and seen it from the inside (e.g., whether or not there's a major issue - maybe the ILs would behave differently if they were directly responsible for DS, without his parent(s) there?) (2) having the best idea of what might constructively be done, based on insider/long-term knowledge of the individuals involved and (3) if all else fails, being able to deliver the message to ILs without as much risk of hurt feelings or being blamed. You're taking on way too much worry over this when you're likely not the best person to be dealing with it.

"TBF far too many people are hung up on you calling this child a bully and whether that's fair. It probably isn't, but also has no relevance"

If someone uses that sort of description about a 3 year old, this is the response they are going to get.

The problem is the adults supervising the 3 year old (or not!), not the child. A 3 year old doesn't have the ability to bully, they are too young to have the capacity for it. However, 3 year olds will very quickly recognise if they portrayal particular behaviours, it means they achieve what they want! So they will do whatever it takes to get what they want! That's not bullying, it's learned behaviour. The 3 year old, I assume is an only child? Therefore not used to sharing, it's something that needs to be taught. I speak as an only child myself and my son being an only child. An adult has to teach and show a child how to share. It sounds as if the adults aren't putting in boundaries in place, disciplining where necessary and offering no consequences to behaviours. That's not your nephew's fault. If your in-laws are not capable of doing the above with their grandson, then no, I wouldn't be allowing my child to stay with them. Fizzy drinks, sweets and screen time for a 3 year old, is not doing them any favours. Instead, perhaps your in-laws could take your son out for the day, without your nephew or similar? Your child doesn't know their grandparents as well as your nephew, and therefore time with then needs to be built up gradually, to a weekend.

3 years old may be too young to be a bully, but he sounds like he's a little so-and-so and being allowed to get away with it. Not all 3 year olds are violent and act up all the time. I wouldn't want my 1 year old near this child either.

You can get three year old bullies but almost all three year d need constant reminders to share be gentle etc etc . If no one is teaching this three year old these things and they don’t go to nursery, school will be a shock.
The sugar and fizzy drinks won’t help the three year old and I wouldn’t want a small child of mine having sweets and fizzy drinks.

Indeed.
I have 3 and 1 year old... please update in 3 years ... 😅

Separarely meet the GPs for days out mid way and invite them to yours.

No way would I be comfortable leaving a one-year old with your PILs without me being there as they aren't giving the three year old any boundaries and appeasing the child with sweets and fizzy drinks will probably make him more wound up and hyperactive and is actually rewarding his rough behaviour.

And actually, as for your thread title, it's not the 3 year old preventing your child bonding with his grandparents. It's the grandparents themselves failing to protect their youngest grandchild.
My kids were the softer cousins who got pushed around by my brother's kids, my parents never stood for it. They treated all grandkids equally.

Other children end up affected because it’s allowed to continue.
For example, on one occasion, the child kept snatching toys and pushed my son in his walker.
He almost slid off the edge of a step, but I managed to catch him just in time. So perhaps “bully” wasn’t the best word, it’s more about the fact that the adults don’t step in when they should.
Maybe I should have used the word mean, instead. Can a 3 year old be mean?

You don’t seem to have much of a grip on child development. Their cognitive abilities don’t really allow them to be bullies or mean at that point, although like everything in life there is a bell curve.

If you really think your child is going to be a wonderfully caring, sharing child as a 3yo, you are probably in for a bit of a shock.

3yo’s believe they are the centre of the universe. It only exists to revolve around them. That’s a normal thought process. It’s all about what they want. So, if they want a toy it doesn’t matter if the toy is laying there with no one or someone else is playing with it, it’s natural to them to just take the toy, because they want it, and that’s the only factor at play. All normal. That’s why you don’t leave 3yo’s unsupervised and more than arm’s length with other kids🤣. Of course, you don’t let them just take something someone is playing with, you stop them or if too late, you give it back and put up with the ensuing tantrum.

Babies, toddlers, young kids also like figuring out the cause and effect thing. Like a baby keeps throwing its bottle as it learns you keep picking it up and giving it back, so it turns into a game as they learn. Or a toddler keeps throwing food in the floor to learn, you throw, it falls, on the floor. Stuff we think is obvious, they do on repeat to learn while their brain wiring gets together. So stuff like pushing other kids, pushing things off things etc. They are not being deliberate arseholes, it’s an interesting ‘if I do this, what happens’ thing. Those that don’t are not ‘good children’, they just have more passive minds.

So, it’s up to adults to constantly supervise and be ready to quickly intervene with kids that age until they are a bit older and the pivot from parallel play to interactive play is more successful, and to save the base being pushed off the coffee table or the dogs tail being pulled, or another child being pushed, with cause and effect investigation of the world.

So, not a bully, not a mean 3yo, but one with shit ineffective adults supervising them. Put the blame squarely where it belongs, instead of on a 3yo being a 3yo.

Agree, too much focus on this and not enough on helping the OP. I expect a number of posters jumping on this are sensitive about their own child/parenting.

Some children are very dominant and need a fair bit of guidance. The solution isn’t to say it’s normal and ignore it. Yes, it can be normal, but it needs guiding and correcting.