Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

It's poor behaviour indulged by grandparents ideally they would learn actions have consequences but it doesn't sound like the grandparents are on the same page as you regarding having a bond with your child as well as the granddaughter your child nearly having a nasty fall should have been a wake up call it hasnt been because you were there to catch and prevent it from happening I wonder what the reaction would have been if you hadn't been there? Sweets all round? Or actual consequences (being at least told no)

Does this child go to nursery or is it grandparents only?

Don't bother with the sleepovers, at 1 there is really no need.

I know someone who had this exact problem, with their cousins who were never told off and left to run riot while the grandparents and adults didn't pay attention, the person would never leave their child unattended with them as she didn't trust the adults.. the only times she ever left him alone there he was always injured in some silly way, the last time quite seriously as he had been held down and intentionally suffocated during a 'wrestling move', they didn't even ring her when it happened and her child was in such a state, they waited for her to come later and tried to downplay what had happened, no apology, nothing, she was absolutely furious over it, and it caused a big rift in the family that never really recovered, she never left them with them again.

I'm not saying your child's cousins are in the same league as that, but it is the exact same problem, which is complete lack of adult supervision.

Wait till he's older and can advocate for himself, if at all!

I agree with PP who suggested GP come and stay with you. This will help to strengthen their bond in an environment where both your DC feels relaxed, and will give you the peace of mind of knowing their safety needs are being met.

With regard to your DN; it is likely you are going to have some uncomfortable conversations going forward with either GP or BIL/SIL concerning behaviour and expectations of their child. It is very important that you reframe your thinking and more so your vocabulary to ensure open communication and less resentment. Their child is not a bully, their child is LEARNING. they are learning what is socially acceptable, they are learning boundaries in play, they are learning their own strength, etc. This framing puts the responsibility back where it belongs - on the adults!

Depending on your DN level of understanding, you can also use learning with reference to your DC. For example 'oh, remember DC is still learning, can you show DC how we share?'

I know exactly what you mean. Don't subject your child to this if no-one will intervene.

While I don’t agree they are a “bully”, I do agree however that 3 year olds can have some really bad behaviour if their grown ups haven’t addressed it, things like snatching and hitting etc.

Can you have a frank chat with your MIL, without her feeding it back and causing drama that is?

Say “Hi MIL, I would love for DC to come over to you without me there, the only concern is if cousin is there as I have seen them snatch toys and play a bit rough with DC and nobody seemed to notice. Are you able to keep a closer eye if I’m not there? I just don’t want my DC being hit or getting hurt. I also don’t want them exposed to any screen time yet”

A 1 year old is too young for sleepovers, especially with family who are struggling to look after other children and who live so far away that they barely know each other. Just say no. Re-visit when he’s 5 and old enough to speak up for himself if he needs to.

A 3yr old bully. Ive heard it all now.

A 3 yo is not a bully.

However, obviously a 3 yo’s parents are responsible for making sure they don’t hurt anyone etc and that they learn to behave better as they get older.

The GPs and you as parents can make a good relationship happen if they/ you make the effort. It doesn’t have to look like sleepovers though, especially not for a 1 yo

A three year old isn’t a bully, it’s a three year old acting like a three year old. However, if you have concerns about leaving your 1 year old alone with the 3 year old and grandparents because certain behaviours aren’t corrected, or you feel the 3 year old’s negative behaviour will be dismissed to the detriment of your dc then I don’t blame you for having reservations and not wanting to allow contact in this way.

When my dd was 1 yo we spent time with a boy (family member) who was 3 (almost 4). He was obviously very jealous of dd and I noticed that when he thought adults weren’t looking he would do nasty stuff to her (take baby toys from her, shove her, make nasty faces). She was little so didn’t really understand and didn’t necessarily react to what he did so his parents didn’t really react to his behaviour when I pointed it out. Then one day we went to a family party at a pub and he was playing with dd. I was watching at a distance and chatting to someone. As I watched, the boy looked around at the adults, didn’t clock me watching, and then grabbed her hand and lead her away. I followed and I saw him open the door to the car park, tell her to go outside and then started shutting the door on her trapping her outside in the car park. Obviously at that point I stepped in. I told his parents what had happened and they downplayed it and implied I was making a mountain out of a molehill and that I misunderstood the situation, which grated on me. But at the end of the day, he was just a little boy who didn’t understand the consequences of what he was doing. However, after that I heavily supervised them whenever we spent time with them, and I would never have left her alone with him and his parents.

So the point I’m making, if you don’t feel your dc is safe or their well-being may be compromised by spending time with this child without you there to supervise then I would follow your instinct and wait until your dc is older to spend time away from you in this child’s company.

Your 1 year old hasn't spent much time with his grandparents yet everyone thinks that it's a great idea he goes there for a full weekend without you? I don't know how he will benefit from that. If they don't live locally and he rarely sees them he will surely be very confused and upset to be left there.

Thank you! Thought I was goong mad reading that 🤣 Agree wholeheartedly.

The 3 year old may have some questionable behaviour but they won’t be a bully already at that age.

The child is not a bully.

Wait til you have a 3 year old!!

If there is a problem it is the grandparents. Yes, they should be helping a 3 year old regulate their behaviour around a smaller child.

3 year olds are also entitled to play with their own toys without younger children constantly grabbing them (aka ‘sharing’ ). Etc.

And 3 year olds with a strong attachment might well feel jealous when they see grandparents paying attention to a younger child.

It is just bad luck that the grandparents live closer to the cousin. (good luck for them!)

Steel yourself to step back a bit and see what happens. Maybe without you there the grandparents will take more responsibility for managing?

Bit early to think about all this.
The major concern is the lax parenting and supervision from not only SIL but the grandparents - they're all feeding your niece sweets and spoiling her with television etc.
It's hard to tell what you think is unreasonable though as it is your first and 1 is really young so a totally different age. 3 is pretty terrible but they should be hot on redirecting, encouraging sharing, reward chart or consequences etc
If that isn't happening then your dc will have the same!

Maybe let them have him for an overnight along with you or you come in the morning early.. or they have him for the day. He's little still so there's lots of time to encourage the grandparent bond in future with overnights and weekends.

You don’t have a problem with a 3yr old child.

You have a problem with:

1. Your expectations of what a child is responsible for vs what an adult is responsible for.
2. What is reasonable behaviour for a child (boys hitting boys back is not ok, it’s the foundation for youth violence).
3. The supervision and parenting being done around the grandparents house.
4. Your expectations on how much you can shelter your child from others who have different approaches to life to you.

None of this is about a 3yr old bully. However, these all need you to work on before you leave your child there for a weekend.

Your son is one he does not need a asleepover with his Grandparents on his own. Invite them to your house where you can control things. I would bet that they will be giving him sugar etc if they had him on his own.

No, you won’t necessarily ‘eat your words’. I don’t think the behaviour you’re describing is ‘normal 3yo behaviour’ or ‘boisterous’, as others have said. It’s just poor behaviour. 3yos have an understanding of what they are and aren’t supposed to do - if they’re properly taught. You don’t have to just sit back and take it.

My niece goes to nursery with a 3yo who tells her every day ‘I don’t like you, you’re ugly, I don’t want to play with you.’ 3yos can be mean, yes.

The child is being rough and not being supervised or parented to not behave that way. I would avoid sleepovers until both children are a bit older.

I agree, though I’d add that it would make sense to find a way to explain why to your ILs, in a way that makes sure they don’t feel you’re rejecting them or their relationship with your DS.

You could explain that you feel he’s a little young but that you’d love him to develop the same relationship that they have with their DGD. It might also be possible to say that he is a little young to spend time away on his own and also to hint that the DGD would be a little much for him at the moment.

As other PPS have suggested, a discussion with them about how to bring your DS more into their life would be rewarding for both him and them.

Oh and frankly, I'd give the grandparents a miss. They sound lax and quite hopeless. You don't have to associate with bullies just because they're in the family. There is no way that I would expose my 1 year to that thuggish 3 year old. I admit it's probably not entirely the three year old's fault that neither his parents or grandparents have attempted to modify his behaviour. He will probably get a seeing to at school - the school bully at my other child's school got a seeing to in the shrubbery. He never reported it because he wasn't prepared to admit that it was a girl who had beat the living daylights out of him I think the whole school was quite cheered up about the whole thing.

!! It’s completely normal to be ‘very’ protective of a one year old. And it does sound like there’s something to be protective from.

It won’t impede bonding to avoid a sleepover that will mean nothing to a baby - can bond when they’re older and baby has at least learned to talk and run away if necessary. There’s quite a difference between the ordinary rough and tumble with older siblings who have been used to baby since day 1 and infrequent interactions with an older cousin who isn’t used to being gentle and has no feeling of care or ownership of the baby.

Although a 3 year old may not be 'a bully' , they absolutely can exhibit bullying behaviour. I remembered being 4 years old and dreading visiting my Mum's friend as her 3 year old son was awful to me. They'd send me upstairs 'to play with him' and all he'd do was throw things at me (heavy things, too!) and take off his pooed nappy and try to make me sniff it. I was a shy child and didn't know what to do-I attended nursery and school but hadn't ever known any child behave that way before and didn't know how to handle it. As an adult I can see that he may have felt threatened having a similarly-aged child in his bedroom all of a sudden and didn't want me there so lashed out, but it was still frightening and unpleasant.

I think there could be multiple things at play. There is every chance the 3 year old is rougher than normal but your sense of perspective is also a bit screwed by just having a 1 year old and comparing them to a bigger pre-schooler. In time there is every chance the gap will close and actually the cousins could be good friends at 5 and 7. If you’re not comfortable with a whole weekend away don’t do that- it wouldn’t have been my first choice at 1 either.

The 3 year old child is not stopping your DS from bonding with his grandparents. While there is some behaviour from the adults I would not condone, I think you need to accept that the cousin is likely to be closer to the grandparents than your DS.

I think the best way to approach it, is to give the 3 year old attention (not as a reward for poor behaviour but to prevent it) and not see it as a competition. Perhaps involve him in looking after the younger one, so they can develop a caring relationship. TBF the relationship with the cousin will likely last a lot longer than that with the grandparents and you want them to grow up as friends, not rivals.

I have absolutely known three year old bullies - my son who was a very easy going child once came home from creche when he was three years old with a double set of bitemarks on his cheekbone. Apparently he was reading a book, another child came over and demanded the book and my son said he was looking at it and he could have it later. The child in question pushed him over, bit him on the face and tried to make off with the book. The staff told me it was totally unprovoked. Eventually the child in question who acted like a nasty little thug to the other children was asked to leave. The staff were fed up with constantly following him to stop him attacking other children and they had a long waiting list of presumably non-thug like toddlers. Years later I enrolled my son who was small and slight for Krav Maga - anybody else who had a go at him were going to discover he was no push over - and strangely enough several decades later nobody ever has again.