Page 3 | Bully child in the family is preventing DS from bonding with his grandparents.

browser2025 · 2025-11-28T07:05:08+00:00

I’d really appreciate some advice or to hear if anyone has been in a similar situation. Family means a lot to me. I grew up very close to my grandparents and loved spending time with both sides of the family. I have so many great memories and strong relationships with my cousins because of that, and I want the same for my child (DS1). My in-laws (MIL and FIL) don’t live nearby, so DS1 hasn’t spent much time with them. They’ve recently asked to have him for a weekend, which I would genuinely love. I want them to have a close bond. The problem is my SIL and BIL’s child, who is 3. They’re a handful (I know it’s largely due to age and the way the adults around handle things). The child often with my in-laws, as they do a lot of childcare and live on the same street. The child treats their home like their second house and spends most weekends there too. When I’ve visited, the child plays very roughly with DS1, doesn’t share, and rarely calms down. I’ve had to step in several times to protect DS1 while the adults just laugh it off. They tend to appease the child with sweets, fizzy drinks, and an iPad, and no one ever steps in or corrects the behaviour. My dilemma is that the only reason I don’t want DS1 staying there without me is because the other grandchild will almost certainly be there. I could go along and supervise, but then I spend the whole time intervening and the grandparents don’t actually get to properly bond with DS1 because the other child demands all the attention. I feel torn. I don’t want to upset my in-laws or cause tension with my SIL’s family, but I also don’t feel comfortable leaving DS1 in an environment where he might be pushed around and no one steps in. AIBU? YABU – You’re being too soft; DC1 will have to deal with bullies at some point. YANBU – DS1 is still developing and used to a calm environment; early exposure to rough or bullying behaviour isn’t acceptable. Thanks, everyone.

TheWonderhorse · 28/11/2025 14:55

OP is it possible that you are considered to be a supervising adult? In my family (and my friend group actually) it is a group effort and we all parent the kids we can see. Not with the big things, but with the micro-decisions like 'is that activity safe, do I need to intervene?'

If you were visiting me and had eyes on that particular interaction then you are both permitted and expected to deal with it. He's your nephew after all.

Original poster

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 14:40

Tiswa · 28/11/2025 14:16

Why do you feel the need to put this on the 3 year old OP and trust AI

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Because most people are more concerned that I called out a child’s unkind behaviour toward my own, rather than focusing on the situation.

I’ve already acknowledged that using the word “bullying” was the wrong choice, but my point is that children at that age can still display bullying behaviours. 👍

OP posts:

Tiswa · 28/11/2025 14:16

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 14:06

Ok, I’ve just asked AI, and here’s the answer:

”A 3-year-old child can exhibit bullying or mean tendencies, such as excluding peers, using mean words, hitting, or targeting weaker children, as these behaviours align with emerging social awareness around this age. Behaviours become concerning if targeted at one child repeatedly, intense, or paired with signs like lack of eye contact, no pretend play, or obsessive focus. Relational aggression, like deliberate exclusion (“you can’t play”), can also signal early bullying learned from home, media, or peers.”

Why do you feel the need to put this on the 3 year old OP and trust AI

Original poster

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 14:06

Ok, I’ve just asked AI, and here’s the answer:

”A 3-year-old child can exhibit bullying or mean tendencies, such as excluding peers, using mean words, hitting, or targeting weaker children, as these behaviours align with emerging social awareness around this age. Behaviours become concerning if targeted at one child repeatedly, intense, or paired with signs like lack of eye contact, no pretend play, or obsessive focus. Relational aggression, like deliberate exclusion (“you can’t play”), can also signal early bullying learned from home, media, or peers.”

OP posts:

MsCactus · 28/11/2025 13:30

It's really odd to keep referring to a 3yo as a bully and mean - OP I think you're projecting a lot and I hope you don't call your own DC these names when they display the same behaviour, as all very small children do as they develop and learn social rules.

ALL 3yos need watching with a very small baby - it sounds like that won't happen at your in laws, so don't send your son there! The 3yo is in no way to blame here

Swissmeringue · 28/11/2025 13:19

You sound like you're being overly precious about a 3 year olds behaviour however I really don't think a 1 year old needs to be spending a weekend away from home in order to have a strong bond with grandparents. Maybe encourage GP's to take your DS out for the day a few times and the sleepovers can start when he's a bit older and at least that way can tell you if he likes it or not.

Tiswa · 28/11/2025 13:17

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 13:01

Ok, thanks. I know i have challenges ahead with my own children, and I will reflect on this. I just can’t imagine being able to watch my child behave like that towards other children and be OK with it or laugh it off.

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Yes but that isn’t about the child being bully is it it is the PARENTS failing to act

being appalled at laughing and condoning such behaviour is the problem, not dealing with the behaviour is the problem and yes not dealing with it could actually cause longer term issues

seeing the behaviour as something out of the ordinary though is also a problem because it is normal and the child can’t be judged

and no you shouldn’t just watch you should handle to appropriately and gently whilst understanding it doesn’t make your son a bully

Original poster

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 13:01

Tiswa · 28/11/2025 12:56

all 3 year olds do to some extent act territorial and have moments you just haven’t seen them - there are bits of parenting you keep to yourself

she is going through a development stage one which is necessary and one which she needs guidance - the judgment should be for her parents and your in-laws and not the child

there is a difference between understanding how she is behaving is normal but recognising it should also be handled and it is the latter that isn’t being done

and some are far harder than others and some have their issues at different stages! But negative emotions are normal and something I suspect you need to get used to

but for this thread no don’t send him

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Ok, thanks. I know i have challenges ahead with my own children, and I will reflect on this. I just can’t imagine being able to watch my child behave like that towards other children and be OK with it or laugh it off.

OP posts:

Tiswa · 28/11/2025 12:56

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 12:32

No, I appreciate that. But it would be naive of me to sugar-coat the situation. I feel that the adults in her life are taking the same approach as many people in this thread, assuming she’s not capable of being mean and that kids should just be allowed to “be kids.”

I have other nieces and nephews who never behaved this way at that age, and I would have no problem leaving them unsupervised. But what some might dismiss as “kids being kids” can actually cause harm to other children.

I shouldn’t have referred to her as a bully, but is she a mean child who isn’t being properly guided? Absolutely. Should my son be left with her without supervision? No.

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all 3 year olds do to some extent act territorial and have moments you just haven’t seen them - there are bits of parenting you keep to yourself

she is going through a development stage one which is necessary and one which she needs guidance - the judgment should be for her parents and your in-laws and not the child

there is a difference between understanding how she is behaving is normal but recognising it should also be handled and it is the latter that isn’t being done

and some are far harder than others and some have their issues at different stages! But negative emotions are normal and something I suspect you need to get used to

but for this thread no don’t send him

HappyMeal564 · 28/11/2025 12:47

I don't think you can say that the 3 year old cant be present, but if you think your baby won't be safe you shouldn't be sending him to be there without you. Also if they look after him alot they are part of him not having discipline, they may not be looking after your child how you'd like them to, screens, fizzy drinks etc

Original poster

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 12:44

Candlesandmatches · 28/11/2025 12:40

3 year olds can’t bully. Almost all toddlers are self centered and have to be taught to be caring. There are of course exceptions.
Dont let your child stay there alone.
All toddlers need to be supervised with children smaller than themselves and sometimes older ones too.
Its ok to step in and model good behavior and try to set up games where they both have things to do.

Thanks, and you make some good points. But honestly, I don’t want to be putting in extra effort to try to model her behaviour, that’s her parents’ responsibility. I just want my son to have a good relationship with his grandparents, and it’s frustrating that this is even a barrier.

OP posts:

Candlesandmatches · 28/11/2025 12:40

3 year olds can’t bully. Almost all toddlers are self centered and have to be taught to be caring. There are of course exceptions.
Dont let your child stay there alone.
All toddlers need to be supervised with children smaller than themselves and sometimes older ones too.
Its ok to step in and model good behavior and try to set up games where they both have things to do.

Original poster

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 12:32

Tiswa · 28/11/2025 12:25

@browser2025 have you been bullied because you have a take on bullying that comes I think from personal and unpleasant experiences that I think means you are massively projecting.

The 3 year old spends a lot of time at her grandparents so she has a sense that is her territory and she is reacting - perfectly normal and needs managing but it’s not bullying.

you are about to introduce your son to a sibling managing his normal feelings towards that will be vital and I think needs to be done without words such as terrorising and bullying

No, I appreciate that. But it would be naive of me to sugar-coat the situation. I feel that the adults in her life are taking the same approach as many people in this thread, assuming she’s not capable of being mean and that kids should just be allowed to “be kids.”

I have other nieces and nephews who never behaved this way at that age, and I would have no problem leaving them unsupervised. But what some might dismiss as “kids being kids” can actually cause harm to other children.

I shouldn’t have referred to her as a bully, but is she a mean child who isn’t being properly guided? Absolutely. Should my son be left with her without supervision? No.

OP posts:

Tiswa · 28/11/2025 12:25

@browser2025 have you been bullied because you have a take on bullying that comes I think from personal and unpleasant experiences that I think means you are massively projecting.

The 3 year old spends a lot of time at her grandparents so she has a sense that is her territory and she is reacting - perfectly normal and needs managing but it’s not bullying.

you are about to introduce your son to a sibling managing his normal feelings towards that will be vital and I think needs to be done without words such as terrorising and bullying

Original poster

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 12:19

MossAndLeaves · 28/11/2025 11:43

She's 3, you sound very unpleasant about her.
Why don't you offer to have her over once every week or 2 so you can help her learn how to act with DS and build their bond?

Im not sure that would work, but appreciate your input.

Her being at my home, learning how to play around him in his own space, would create a completely different dynamic compared to her taking over at the grandparents’ house and terrorising other children under her parents’ or grandparent’s watch, since they allow it. Why would she follow the rules of someone who isn’t her parent?

OP posts:

mrsjoyfulprizeforraffiawork · 28/11/2025 12:15

Haven't read the full thread but, yes, a three-year-old absolutely can be mean. When I was three, our family went on a few days' break. My father and big brother stayed on a hired boat with my grandfather (who was already on the boat) and my mother, sister and I stayed in an hotel a couple of miles away. I had no idea what was going on (though I expect they tried to explain everything to me). My family had always lived together and I had never been to an hotel before. I was clearly upset by this, as I took to scratching the lovely hotelier's nice daughters whenever they were close enough. My mother was horrified when she found out and had a serious talk with me alone in our room. I behaved after that and everyone carried on being nice about it. It was 68 years ago and I was mortified whenever I thought about it (my big sister only stopped reminding me of it 7 years ago when I asked her to desist!).

BauhausOfEliott · 28/11/2025 11:43

DS is my first child

Wow, I'd never have guessed...

MossAndLeaves · 28/11/2025 11:43

She's 3, you sound very unpleasant about her.
Why don't you offer to have her over once every week or 2 so you can help her learn how to act with DS and build their bond?

godmum56 · 28/11/2025 11:38

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 11:33

Thanks, yes I will do. I think the GPs are just following the pattern and rules of the parents. I’d like to think they’d respect my rules of no sugar or screens, for DS.

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"liking to think" is not enough though.

godmum56 · 28/11/2025 11:37

I think its the grandparents themselves who are preventing the bonding. For whatever the reason may be, they seem to be unable to keep your child safe or take care of them in the way you want. I think if you want them to be able to be around your child, some gentle (ha!) honesty is required in terms of setting dietary and other boundaries. I don't think its the 3yo's fault any more than it would be the "fault" of a boisterous untrained dog but in both cases, if the responsible adults won't/can't address the issues then its your job to advocate for and protect your child.

Original poster

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 11:33

Changename12 · 28/11/2025 11:26

I why would you want your child to spend time with GPs, who dish out sweets, fizzy drinks and screens Willy Nilly? Invite them to spend time with you so that you have more control.

Thanks, yes I will do. I think the GPs are just following the pattern and rules of the parents. I’d like to think they’d respect my rules of no sugar or screens, for DS.

OP posts:

Changename12 · 28/11/2025 11:26

I why would you want your child to spend time with GPs, who dish out sweets, fizzy drinks and screens Willy Nilly? Invite them to spend time with you so that you have more control.

FlyingApple · 28/11/2025 11:01

browser2025 · 28/11/2025 08:14

I’m going to be eating my words when my son turns 3, aren’t I? I have another on the way too.

Thank you for all the input. I’ll be less critical of the 3yo but won’t be leaving my son there. I think I was considering saying ‘yes’ but with stipulations that the other child isnt there. I’m just sad that there’s this barrier, as I love the in laws and would love for them to have a close bond with him. If my son gets like this at age 3, I definitely won’t be leaving him unsupervised to terrorise other children.

Edited

Maybe but maybe not. Not every toddler snatches etc. It really depends.

waterrat · 28/11/2025 10:58

When I had a 1 year old and met 3 year olds I found them over the top as well.

No a 3 year old can't be mean or a bully

They can be hard work, difficult to be around, poorly parented however but I think you need to consider really really hard if you are being over protective

shakercream · 28/11/2025 10:57

HoppingPavlova · 28/11/2025 10:46

@shakercream I honestly have had this exact situation. Slightly older cousin but basically there all the time my 1 year old was there. Was so rough with her and not GPs fault but the parents never set any boundaries/consequence

How did that occur though? Did you just leave them there or were you there and just sat there and did not intervene? I find that mystifying either way. All my kids are adults but I still intervene if somewhere with kids that age and other adults are not doing the job of supervising/intervening/redirecting etc. You don’t need to yell at toddlers or hit them, just intervene, try and redirect and if you can’t then control appropriately. The worst that happens is a tantrum and I couldn’t give a shit. If a parent wants to complain, I’ll give a double serve back re their shit supervision and parenting skills. If you want to keep relations ‘nice’ for whatever reason, just badge it up as ‘giving you a well deserved chance to kick back and relax, and I’m watching them so you can have a break’ as that then allows them to save face.

Edited

Honestly both
So some of this stuff happened in front of me, I did intervene immediately and there was a big fall out as a result on one occasion. One time I just stood up took my DC and said that's it I'm leaving. It's absolutely exhausting parenting your own kid let alone trying to keep them safe when it feels like no one else is.
Other times I did leave them there but only with my DH there too (I made him stay) and he reported it back to me. I was made to feel I was overprotective and unreasonable but looking back I wasn't at all. It's hard with your first born, so many people saying about pfb and the other cousin was almost "there first" and "it's fine"
I would leave them there now no problem as like I said the cousin isn't interested at all now and the GPSs are lovely but the damage is done unfortunately