son lashed out at me earlier and i dont know what to do now

How do situations get like this? How has someone let their child get to this point.
Is it gentle or permissive parenting gone wrong? Is it that they’ve just let the kid have whatever they want and now the child is big, strong and raging with hormones and the kick-offs are now getting too difficult to cope with?

And we wonder why there are so many violent men out there.

OP, for the sake of your younger child, you need help. Don’t let them witness this sort of abuse.

Have you asked him what his plans are now that he won't go to school? Is he going to get a job to support the household - only joking, but still, what he's doing will lead him nowhere and he'll end up doing who knows what?

Speak with the school and ask for a social worker to be involved. He obviously needs a bit of help, as do you. It must be very stressful for all of you.

Quite honestly some of the replies on here are nuts. Taking him food up to leave outside the door? Taking him to Maccies for a chat? No way.
This IS domestic abuse, Op. You said yourself you walk on egg shells around him. He has damaged the house, hurt you and traumatised his brother. My (adopted) dds were similar and I called police every time they were aggressive, which resulted in both being arrested and charged a number of times and one eventually going to prison for it. She is now 24 and back living with me but I kicked her out again yesterday even though she’s 37 weeks pregnant because she was screaming the f word at her boyfriend and wouldn’t stop when told to do so. We live in a semi with a young child next door so pregnant or not, she was told to get out and we will be having a talk later about how that behaviour is unacceptable. It may sound harsh but my house, my rules, and as parents we do kids no favours by letting them get their own way because we’re too afraid to challenge them.
(My bedroom wall still has a mark where I hurled one of their phones at it when they wouldn’t come off it in the middle of the night).

And what about the bit in the middle of this scenario when the 14 year old is once again physically aggressive and starts wrecking the house? It’s really easy to say ‘call the police’ (which of course one should do if someone is aggressive) but it’s not easy to initiate a situation where you know someone might physically attack you, in an enclosed space with a 7 year old present. I had an aggressive step sibling and the whole thing is always complex and not as straight forward as ‘take away the x box and be strong’.

You remove the Xbox.
School is not optional.

Sorry, I know this sounds harsh, but you are allowing this behaviour. He's bullying you and once he is 16yrs old this will be classed as domestic abuse and recordable i law. Stop being his friend and be his parent. You make the rules not him, and it your job to set boundaries.

Turn the electricity off and read a book or play a game with your younger child. When your 14yo comes out of his room tell him that the Xbox is going and he needs to apologise for hurting you and NEVER do anything like that again. Throw the Xbox (and the tablet) away. Start cleaning the house or tidying to keep you all busy. In a week or two things will be better.

If the kids at school are idiots. Is he talking to people he shouldn’t be?

OP, this is serious and people here want to help you. You shouldn't be walking on eggshells in your own home because you are afraid your son will become violent. You have let individual things go and now you have a big problem. You can rewind and start with the individual things this weekend, on you've spoken to school and had time to think. Screen time rules for both boys. Discussions about what the three of you can do together without screens and X-box - films, Monopoly, Scrabble, cooking, gardening, walks, runs, ten-pin bowling and going to football matches if you have the money. Could your 7-year old start something in the New Year just for him - football, cubs?

Ow, what a hard day for all of you. I think you do need to contact the school, not to get him into trouble but because he and you both need suport, and they'll hopefully be able to signpost. He's 14, no kid wants to behave like that, but he must be really struggleling with feelings and needs help to express his anger more appropriately. Maybe ask school to refer to CAMHS (unfortunately it could be a long wait) or any in house counciling or pastoral suport.

You need to get rid of the xbox.

If he starts being violent call the police.

You are not helping him by letting him behave like this with no consequences. In fact you are damaging him.

You need to tell the school because at the moment you can’t cope. If you’re worried about it all kicking off if you do certain things it is a dv situation and needs to be treated as such.

I don’t think this is something you can do by yourself- you need to get outside help and be 100% honest about the whole situation. If it is left as it is what happens in 2 years when he’s supposed to sit his GCSEs or in 4 years when he’s a grown man with no qualifications or plan for the future? At 14 it is fixable but needs hard work and honesty now to make positive steps for his future.

Gaming devices for kids is a really, really bad idea. Get it out of the house.

Get rid of the Xbox, tablet, phone etc, get him to GP for intervention, get parenting lessons so you have the tools you require.

You don't take the Xbox away angrily as a punishment. You take if away calmly because it's really bad for him.

Anger, especially in boys, is unmet needs. They are only taught anger while girls get sadness and frustration and a whole lot of others. If he was younger, I'd say a face-board of emotions on the fridge to teach him. But he's 14.

You need to seek help, both parenting and therapy. You need to reconnect. Instead of Xbox in his room, sitting with you and watching TV or talking or doing something. We pick series, and pause and chat during a lot. You need to have a positive story about him, what's he good at, what does he love. Dig deep and look back if there's nothing right now.

There are lots of great books but I think you also need classes.

You are afraid of your son. You are scared to parent him in case he reacts with an emotional or violent outburst. It is imperative that you address this behaviour in some way. I understand how upsetting this must be for you but you need to think about your other child also. This is not an emotionally healthy environment for them.

First thing, you need to remove the XBox. Trust me, as someone who has gamed since she was 10 years old, i understand the addiction. In moderation it can be fun but you need to put boundaries in place. No school? No video games. Screaming at you and showing no respect? No video games. He says his needs routine and structure, make this his new routine, and if he gets violent? Unfortunately you will need to call the authorities. It may be that he needs special care or diagnosing. This could sadly be the way it happens.

Even though it is the last thing you probably want to do and i do feel for you, your current system isn't working. You don't want an unemployed, entitled, 30 year old living with you in years to come. Be firm, be unwavering and stick to your convictions, it will be difficult but not all acts of love are easy.

A 14 year old needs his sleep.

Apologies - just read the post about dad not being around.

Check out capafirstresponse.org

From OP's account, she has put in no boundaries, ND or not - X-box in room overnight, DS in charge of his phone, no sanctions, and now physical violence. OP, a starting point today would be to tell him that if he is physically aggressive again, you will call the police immediately.

I disagree. When a child is demonstrating extreme behaviour at home, there's probably poor behaviour at school too (in this case, not at school- persistent absence), parent(s) and school having a joined-up approach makes all the difference.

The school can help, certainly on the attendance side of things but they need to know exactly what’s going on so they know how to support. They can also signpost to other organisations who can support.

The OP has said she doesn’t have anyone around to support her and not everyone is able to do this alone. It’s really easy to say ‘just be a parent’ but every parent has different needs and some need more support than others for different things. If left in this situation without outside help I can’t see how it could improve.

How old is your other child @harrietliveshere ?

What are the school doing to re-engage? EBSA is usually linked to SEND. Does he have any diagnosis?

Forcing him into school probably won’t work. School need to build a reintegration programme for him.

I’’ m not sure this is all your fault. If he has a disability, it’s not always that easy to put in boundaries.