son lashed out at me earlier and i dont know what to do now

Is he really though? My 13yo would be on screens 24/7 if I let him. So would most younger teen boys IME. There doesn't need to be any other explanation beyond the fact that gaming is highly addictive and many (most) 14yos just aren't mature enough to self-limit, so need parental input. Likewise with school. It doesn't necessarily have to be 'anxiety'. I mean if I had a straight choice between chilling out or going to work, with no negative consequences, I would absolutely pick chilling out 😁And I'm 44

Or, he’s behaving like a little yob and not going to school because he’s never been disciplined and knows he can get away with it…”using X box to regulate” 😂 Yeah of course he is, what teenager wouldn’t want to spend all day playing X box instead of going to school, if they can get away with it. Not everything is neurodivergence or needs a label, sometimes you have to actually parent your child instead of looking for excuses and labels.

How does he sound neurodivergent based on the information provided?
I don’t think I’ve ever read a thread on here where someone hasn’t remotely diagnosed a child as ND. Sometimes, more often than not, naughty children are just naughty and don’t have any conditions. Of course, there’s a possibility he’s ND but there’s an even better possibility he’s not. Labelling every naughty child as ND does a disservice to those who actually are.

I’m absolutely not the soft parent brigade but I don’t think a slap would work given that by the sounds of it he’d happily slap his mum back and OP has said he’s bigger than her. If he’d been given a slap a year or two ago however…

I suppose you don’t believe child to parent abuse either 🙄

He sounds neurodivergent. A slap will just make it worse. Slapping a 14 year old.😂

This is exactly my thinking.

Op mentioned anxiety. Sounds like he’s dysregulated and lashing out.

My first step would be to try a and have a calm conversation about school with no pressure to attend. Making someone with EBSA attend can make it worse.

I also think he’s using Xbox to regulate….

@ArseInTheCoOpWindowIt’s not like the softly softly approach is working either is it 🤷‍♀️

@aCatCalledFawkesWhat will the professionals do with a teenager who has clearly never been given any discipline? It needs to start at home. He might be bigger but she’s the parent and the adult.

He's suffering from EBSA - emotionally based school avoidance. School have a legal duty to support him in attending school but schools are generally shit and don't care. Join the Not Fine In School Facebook group.

Any suspicion he might be autistic? His outburst might have been a meltdown and the continued unmet needs at school may be why he's become overwhelmed and lashed out.

It's not as simple as "get him to school". Something like 90% of children with EBSA are neurodivergent.

How depressing. His father should absolutely back you up, but then hes probably not very nice either.

I’m so sorry to hear this - it sounds really hard. Can you look at your Council’s website, and see if there is a Family and Adolescent Support Service (they are usually within children’s services); you should be able to self-refer. Within the one in our Council, there are Family and Youth Practitioners who can support and advise, can arrange interventions and access to other things that might help. It’s really worth looking into; it can make you feel less alone with the issue. Good luck.

Except in this situation it's more likely the son will be giving her a slap - my 14yr old is taller and stronger than me. She needs professional help.

School identified that he needs routine.
Thats your job! Take away Xbox, change code on the wifi, let him work to get both back. Sensible bedtimes, appropriate communication, school attendance.
You're the parent, start parenting.

‘Getting a slap’😂😂

Bet that would work well.

I’m not sure what you expected the school to do, you’re the parent so it’s your responsibility to get him to school. It sounds like he’s never had any boundaries and has been left to do what he wants. I agree with others that you need to get on top of this because soon he’ll no longer be a child and outbursts like these will land him in court.
Stop being a wet blanket. No way would I be taking him food, if my child behaved like this they’d be getting a slap and the X box would be going in the bin (bracing for the outrage from the gentle parenting brigade). It might sound harsh but if he doesn’t learn now then he’ll learn the hard way when he’s in trouble with the police.

100% removing a phone or an xbox from a child that is physically violent isn't going to work.

OP this charity is about child to parent abuse and runs seminars to help parents recover control. https://www.pegsupport.co.uk/ they also offer peer support from other parents.

Hmmm... I think I recognize the writing style. Isn't this the OP who is pregnant with her 5th child, with no dads in the picture, complaining that the council doesn't want to give her a 4 bedroom property? She's written before about her eldest playing xbox all the time and getting angry...

Look for support in your area for people experiencing child to parent abuse - your GP or school may be able to signpost. Some services are for parents only, others for both parents & kids. This sort of thing

https://www.respect.org.uk/pages/115-rypp

Agreed. This is why I said to remove it when he's not there - one of the rare occasions he actually goes to school. As opposed to a "Right that's it! Xbox is gone" in the middle of a row.

I know he doesn't listen to your sister OP but I would do this and then make sure another adult is present when he comes home.

Yes - that's what the police are for. No woman should be scared in her own home. I'd arrange for the younger one to be elsewhere (after school club, a friend's, wherever)

First off, his behaviour is abuse. It is. This isn't normal teen stroppiness (for context I have a son who turns 14 in a week). You should absolutely not be scared in your own home, under any circumstances. And it won't get better on its own. I'm sorry, because I know that's hard to hear. Absolutely ignore the "bring him a sandwich" stuff. You're a mother not a doormat. I would reach out to absolutely everyone for help, including SS. Be honest about what's happening. Also be willing to sit him down and say that you are prepared to get the police involved if the physical stuff continues. Add that if he continues to treat you like this he'll be looking for a new home as soon as he turns 18, maybe earlier. I know this sounds brutal, but what's the alternative? He will keep repeating these patterns of behaviour with women till he meets one who won't put up with it and then he'll have a criminal record.

And once you've been brutally clear about the consequences, the XBox is limited and out of his room and he goes to school.

The x box needs to go. School have identified that he needs a routine and that has to start at home. And it starts with no gaming through the night. It will be so hard for the first few weeks but if becomes physical with you or the home you call the police.
you are the adult here and you need to take back control to get him off gaming and into school for his future. I know how easy is it to not do it because it’s easy but he’s learnt you give in so try and set some rules

Yeah right. Easy to say from behind your phone screen. Sounds like he'd possibly go on a rampage and smash the house up, hurt OP.

@harrietliveshere you have a real and serious problem to deal with - and you will be better of dealing with it now than leaving it - imagine him being a year older, physically stronger, etc - the problem is only going to get worse until you take action and it's going to have to be tough - he won't like it but you'll be doing yourself, him and everyone else in the household a big favour in the long run. If he has no control of his emotions or behaviour and has no respect for you - it's possible he can do you (or your property) a lot of damage - you really need to think about that seriously. Do you want to put up with an ever worsening situation until he is 18 - another 4 years of this? 4 years - that's a long time if his behaviour is getting worse.

You need to talk to the school to make them aware of what is going on. Ask for help and support - you really need contact with social workers - see if the school will help facilitate this - or look up "Children's social care" for your area. I would do this first before you cancel the contract on his phone or remove his games console or exclude him from the home internet. If at any point you are physically threatened or attacked - you ring the police - straight away, every time.

It's not going to be an easy ride.. but the alternative is that it gets worse.

Gosh OP. I think you’ve made a bed for yourself here and I understand it’s going to be difficult to get back out of it.
Firstly, you need to acknowledge that you’re living with someone who is being domestically violent. Why the fuck are you taking him room service? Were you born without a back bone? No wonder he has no respect for you.
He’s acting like a complete thug. Stop trying to excuse that with ‘oh he’s not always like this’ - neither are adult men who commit DV.
Once you’ve accepted the severity of the situation I think you’ll be in a better mind to tackle it.
You need to go into school and ask for support. Is there an, ideally male, teacher there that can give him a talking to? Be completely honest with them. Tell them you’d actually really benefit from them doing the home visits when he doesn’t attend.
The XBOX has to go. But I’m not going to patronise you with a simplistic comment of ‘just go and get it’. I understand that it’s completely ruining your family life.
This all really matters OP. For his education, your sanity, his mental development, the welfare of your other child and anybody who ends up living with your son in the future.