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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Funding everyone to have multiple children???

270 replies

MyLimeGuide · 27/11/2025 08:12

Hello all, this issue seriously gets me down, as someone who has worked solidly since forever (im 45) always wanted 2 children. I have 1, realised I cant afford 2, seeing what labour have done, lifting the 2 child cap for benefits MADDENS me to the core! Not because of my own circumstances, im more than happy with one and I can give him everything.
Im a teacher, currently working in a SEN school, the majority of the cohort are from non working families with multiple siblings. Their biggest problem is neglect. Often these kids tell us their mum is pregnant again!!
i have seen this pattern with neglected children un every single school ive worked in. Unbelievable that Labour want to increase this!
It's not to help children, its the opposite.
Its unfair on hardworking people to be expected to fund it.
I believe EVERYONE is entitled to be a parent, regardless of circumstances, but NOT breed like its a hobby (a freeloading one with no care)

AIBU - Let everyone breed as much as they want regardless of circumstances its their god given right.

AINBU - This is unfair, children should be born into families that can afford to look after them fully and offer them the time and nurture they need to develop into humans with good mental health.

OP posts:
GentleOlive · 27/11/2025 19:57

Your despair is justified.

Labour are taking from people who make responsible choices and giving to those irresponsible people who don’t feel like they need to make any compromises at all. People who work hard to earn and support themselves have to take from their own children to give to these people. Hope this helps people wake up to the welfare state gravy train and vote to end this madness.

Bryonyberries · 27/11/2025 19:49

Hard working people get UC, not just those not working. It just means their employer isn’t paying a living wage. Maybe those people care about their children and will spend the extra money on improving their children’s lives. Not everyone getting UC is work shy, alcoholic and a druggie. Most are normal families just not fortunate enough to earn a good wage. They will include your nursery staff, your cleaners, those caring for your grandma…

UnhappyHobbit · 27/11/2025 19:47

Dontevenlookatme · 27/11/2025 08:35

I will get shot down for this but here goes. The sort of person who can’t self regulate enough to plan their family according to their means isn’t going to be spending that extra money on their children. Nobody needs more than two children. Everybody knows how they’re made. If as a woman you’re pregnant for the third time unplanned there are remedies. If you’re in a relationship where you are forced into unprotected sex there are choices. Maybe we should start to look more closely from a social services perspective at families who keep having children and whether they’re fit to keep them.

I hope you don’t get shot down for this. You’re highlighting the real issue here. People need to stop being naive to it.

ilovesooty · 27/11/2025 19:43

KitTea3 · 27/11/2025 18:37

I don't know why but seeing repeated references to women "breeding" and "being breeders" especially coming from other women, is giving me the ick.

It's quite dehumanising tbh 🤷 we're reducing women to being nothing more than animals because we don't agree with them.

I think it's entirely possible to have an actual debate about it without stooping to that level ? Or it should be 🤔🤷

I think it's absolutely dehumanising to refer to women as serial breeders, agreed.

Velvian · 27/11/2025 19:43

KitTea3 · 27/11/2025 18:37

I don't know why but seeing repeated references to women "breeding" and "being breeders" especially coming from other women, is giving me the ick.

It's quite dehumanising tbh 🤷 we're reducing women to being nothing more than animals because we don't agree with them.

I think it's entirely possible to have an actual debate about it without stooping to that level ? Or it should be 🤔🤷

I know, no one gives a fuck how many children men have because not many of them are with them all at the same time.

StartingFreshFor2026 · 27/11/2025 19:36

Sometimeswinning · 27/11/2025 19:17

No you silly. Issues with autism and mental health. Issues and causes are 2 very different words. Or did you purposely try to put words in my mouth?

Show quote history

That poster said "huge amount of the issues children have with autism and mental health issues is a direct result of shitty, neglectful parenting. Not all, but a lot of it."

Which sounds a lot like autism is being suggested as one of the issues that is caused by ("a direct result of") poor parenting. I don't think this is a particularly skewed reading of that poster's statement or "putting words" in anyone's mouths, but please, do clarify what you think the "issues" with autism are.

Sometimeswinning · 27/11/2025 19:17

StartingFreshFor2026 · 27/11/2025 18:10

You work with children and you believe most autism is due to neglect and poor parenting?

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No you silly. Issues with autism and mental health. Issues and causes are 2 very different words. Or did you purposely try to put words in my mouth?

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 27/11/2025 18:41

amelior · 27/11/2025 08:18

The benefit cap still exists, so will there be much real change I wonder.

Cynically I feel this change was largely made to appease certain backbenchers.

The benefit cap goes if you work 16 hours a week.

KitTea3 · 27/11/2025 18:37

I don't know why but seeing repeated references to women "breeding" and "being breeders" especially coming from other women, is giving me the ick.

It's quite dehumanising tbh 🤷 we're reducing women to being nothing more than animals because we don't agree with them.

I think it's entirely possible to have an actual debate about it without stooping to that level ? Or it should be 🤔🤷

StartingFreshFor2026 · 27/11/2025 18:10

Sometimeswinning · 27/11/2025 18:09

I wouldn’t be surprised if they work with children and families. It’s pretty much what I would say.

Maybe not the castration or the financial benefit of it all.

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You work with children and you believe most autism is due to neglect and poor parenting?

Sometimeswinning · 27/11/2025 18:09

Velvian · 27/11/2025 17:38

What a lovely person you are. What do you do for work?

A child is autistic or they're not. Fecklessness has nothing to do with it. You realise that some of the wealthiest work obsessed people are autistic?

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I wouldn’t be surprised if they work with children and families. It’s pretty much what I would say.

Maybe not the castration or the financial benefit of it all.

ilovesooty · 27/11/2025 17:46

Friendlygingercat · 27/11/2025 09:15

I belong to the least selfish group in society - single and childfree. My taxes go to sub anyone who wants a child. This legislation is a slap in the face for me and I resent every penny of it. There is nothing to help single people with the expenses they face.

I'm single and childfree and am glad the cap has been lifted.

Velvian · 27/11/2025 17:38

Kilot · 27/11/2025 12:13

YANBU at all OP and I believe a huge amount of the issues children have with autism and mental health issues is a direct result of shitty, neglectful parenting. Not all, but a lot of it. These parents should be castrated, not financially incentivised. Thank you for doing such a hard job.

What a lovely person you are. What do you do for work?

A child is autistic or they're not. Fecklessness has nothing to do with it. You realise that some of the wealthiest work obsessed people are autistic?

Velvian · 27/11/2025 17:18

MyLimeGuide · 27/11/2025 09:19

I fully disagree they are paying MORE than their fair share if they are earning more they are paying more tax. Its BASIC maths.

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You're missing my point @MyLimeGuide , you don't become a billionnaire fair and square, it is not an opportunity open to you or I no matter how hard we work.

What occupation could possibly be 'worth' it, how many hours per week could be worth it? It would be many multiples of 168 hours.

Jeff Bezos has far more of your share of the cash than a family of 5 claiming benefits.

I would really like to see a universal basic income tgat does not penalise parents whose work is low paid. That would incentivise work like nothing else and give people autonomy and dignity.

Treeper22 · 27/11/2025 15:47

Bloozie · 27/11/2025 09:50

Does no one do ANY research before spouting off ignorant shit like this?

"Evidence suggests that lifting the child benefit cap (specifically the two-child limit in universal credit and tax credits) is unlikely to significantly increase the number of children people have.

"Research indicates that the availability of government support is only a minor factor in fertility decisions, which are shaped more by broader systemic issues like housing and childcare cost. Personal aspirations, the incompatibility of work and family life, unaffordable housing, stagnant wages, and inadequate childcare are considered much stronger influences on fertility rates than benefit levels.The primary impact of the cap was a significant increase in child poverty, not a change in family size.

"Campaigners and government analysis highlight that scrapping the cap is one of the most cost-effective ways to lift hundreds of thousands of children out of poverty."

Could someone - anyone at this point, the board is full of people doing the same - just try and explore the evidence-base for your emotional reaction to something, before whipping up a bit of online fury?

It was bad enough when we were just hating immigrants based on vibes.

Now we're kicking low income families and their children.

What is WRONG with people today? Why have so many people allowed themselves to be manipulated into hating their neighbours and people they see every day in their community?

OP, you shouldn't be around kids. I really mean this. Not just because the families you are seeing today apparently had lots of children while the cap was still in place, so it clearly didn't fucking work in the way you want it to and your ability to interpret information doesn't seem compatible with your role as a teacher. But also because if you work in an education setting, and say you are seeing the impact of child neglect every day, and your angle on this is 'freeloaders that see breeding as a hobby' and not 'families that need support' - you're in the wrong job mate. Go and sneer at the people you should support from somewhere else.

Edited

Brilliant post 👏 👏 👏

ChristmasTimeChristmasJoy · 27/11/2025 14:51

Every parent I know who has a sen child are great parents who put their kids first, yes you get the occasional one you raise a eyebrow at but it’s a rarity.

x2boys · 27/11/2025 14:50

MyLimeGuide · 27/11/2025 12:22

Thanks I 100% agree with you too!

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It's a massive spectrum my sons issues have more to do with his chromosome deletion, regardless of my parenting.

x2boys · 27/11/2025 14:47

StartingFreshFor2026 · 27/11/2025 13:28

Oh, I really feel for you. For what it's worth, if they remain 'obviously' disabled (minimally verbal, lots of stimming) you do start to get slightly less judgement (the toddler years were awful for us, really so many tuts and comments). Now my kids are older, we tend to get a bit more help and grace when out and about because people know.

My friends with autistic kids who are fully verbal do not always get the same understanding when in public.

Edited
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This is very true my teen is severely autistic, non verbal etc its obvious to anyone now hes disabled.

Peopleareworried · 27/11/2025 14:20

Avantiagain · 27/11/2025 14:18

The people I know with children with autism are great parents.

I suspect it's like all things there will be children with autism with great and bad parents and children without who have great and bad parents.

Avantiagain · 27/11/2025 14:18

The people I know with children with autism are great parents.

StartingFreshFor2026 · 27/11/2025 14:06

MyLimeGuide · 27/11/2025 13:59

Yes I know there are many many Parents of SEN students that a brilliant. My question wasn't about SEN childen in general anyway, it was about disagreeing with the removal of 2 child cap for universal credit/financial help for parents of ALL children with low income or whom are just unemployed at the expense of the 9-5ers.

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Then you could have left out this whole section of your OP and not started to agree with posters who claim that autism is mostly a result of bad parenting:
'Im a teacher, currently working in a SEN school, the majority of the cohort are from non working families with multiple siblings. Their biggest problem is neglect. Often these kids tell us their mum is pregnant again!!'

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 27/11/2025 14:01

ExtraOnions · 27/11/2025 08:24

They are having children regardless … the only people “punished” by the cap have been the children. Yes these people are feckless, but the children they have should not be disadvantaged by thier parents poor decisions. You have to invest, to try to raise the aspirations and opportunities of the next generation, so they make different decisions.

I agree completely, @ExtraOnions.

You say you see neglected children from big families, @MyLimeGuide - how do you think reducing the amount of money their parents have is going to improve that situation?

Original poster
MyLimeGuide · 27/11/2025 13:59

StartingFreshFor2026 · 27/11/2025 12:24

Ok, in an SEMH special school (I've taught in them) you will have extensive social problems but there will also be a significant proportion of children with undiagnosed (or sometimes diagnosed) disabilities. Both my children are autistic with learning disabilities and attend a generic state learning difficulties school. One child remains non-verbal, but the other gained some (limited) verbal abilities but still severely delayed (extremely obvious 'classic' autism for want of better description) and when he ended up out of school the LA tried to put him in an SEMH special school! He only didn't end up in one because it was an 'over my dead body' situation, however I know it happens to children like him (worked with them myself). So there are definitely significantly disabled children in SEMH schools not just there because they are neglected.

It's no secret that in classrooms there can be a middle class kid and a poor kid both behaving in the same way and the middle class kid will get a diagnosis of autism or ADHD (because they are indeed autistic or ADHD) and the poor kid's parents will be told they're just bad parents (even if the child is autistic or ADHD).

I think it's really unfair to suggest nearly all children in an SEMH special school only have needs related to neglect. Also, without the qualification that this is an SEMH school and not a different type of special school, it sounds like you are also suggesting (even though you later clarified you are not) severely disabled children are just neglected and their parents shouldn't have more children (bit eugenicsy). I know that's not what you're saying but plenty of people do believe that (how many of us parents of non verbal children have heard 'you just need to talk to them more' or 'there weren't kids like that in my day', or 'how much TV do they watch?') As a teacher, you must know people are more likely to trust what you say but I think the reality is more nuanced than you've let on.

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Yes I know there are many many Parents of SEN students that a brilliant. My question wasn't about SEN childen in general anyway, it was about disagreeing with the removal of 2 child cap for universal credit/financial help for parents of ALL children with low income or whom are just unemployed at the expense of the 9-5ers.

OP posts:
KeepYaHeadUp · 27/11/2025 13:57

many of the people being “funded” to have children are hardworking people themselves, not all benefit scroungers as many would have you believe. I say this as someone who qualifies for zero help (we earn 2 decent salaries) but who has opted not to have a 3rd child base on finances. The benefit cap helps many families who are struggling ergo helps children. Crap parents making poor choices and neglecting children will make those poor choices irrespective of the benefit cap and the children suffer.

HereforonedayonlytoavoidStrangerThingsspoilers · 27/11/2025 13:52

MyLimeGuide · 27/11/2025 13:48

Yeah sure i definately said that!!!!🙄

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You said you 100% endorsed that poster's comment - which was calling for parents to be castrated. So yes, you did say it in not so many words.

Seriously, how are you a teacher if you can't spell or do basic grammar?