To think we need to stop treating depressed people as the only ones whose feelings matter in a friendship?

These threads are so weird.

I mean, sure, be hurt and rejected and upset all you like, but what are you expecting to achieve with it?

You can decide not to be friends with them, or you can give them space and let them get in touch when they’re ready. Those are basically your options.

There’s not currently a friendship tribunal you can take your depressed friend to and have them disciplined for negligence.

You can’t call in to a friend agency and get a substitute to cover for your depressed friend, so that your texts never have to go unanswered and you always have someone to go for coffee with.

Do you want to feel free to give them a hard time about it? You wouldn’t be the first.

But it’s not like that’s going to whip them into shape and make them contrite and attentive again. They’re depressed - if they had capacity to be a good friend to you at the moment, presumably they would. But they don’t.

(Unless of course they are saying they’re depressed in the hope you’ll finally back off with your demands of them…? In which case maybe take the hint)

Have you ever experienced anxiety? Honestly this kind of complete lack of understanding is why lots of people who struggle with anxiety don't even bother trying to go anywhere. When they are just going to be judged as rude if it turns out they can't cope.
It's not like this person made a scene. They literally just suddenly left. Which people sometimes have to do.

I dunno... I think it's everyone's responsibility to manage their own emotions.
That involves managing your own hurt if someone withdraws a bit from you.
We can't control what other people do but we can control our reactions to it. And if you know because you've clearly been told, that someone struggles with depression and that will be why they have gone quiet on you.. then I do think you have a responsibility to not make their situation worse by putting the pressures of your own emotions on to them.
It's OK ti feel whatever you feel and maybe discuss it with other close friends.. but I don't think it's ok to put that onto the friends it's directly about. Because what's the point? What will it achieve? You can't cure someone's depression by making them feel shit about it. And you won't make yourself feel any better because it will push your friend away even more...
So really I'm not sure it's healthy to indulge that reaction.

Even if its not due to depression as well I think people have a right to withdraw from friendship and we should respect that.
I think it's a bit unhealthy the amount of expectation and entitlement some people have regarding friendship. Some of it seems either transactional or deeply insecure.
Fir whatever reason sometimes people drift off into their own worlds and can't pay you the same amount of attention any more. That's life. They might come back, they might not.
Personally as a friend ill check in with people from time to time but if someone seems to want to pull away I'm not going to take that personally or get angry about it.

On all the other threads, there were quite a few people who thought both sets of feelings can matter.

This is a TAAT, yes? If you’re that bothered about being ghosted OP, why not say something to your friend?

For a second I thought this was the same poster who's posted 3 thread recently on depressed friends ghosting them but my memory is terrible.....

I thought the same @KitTea3 and had to check the date.

Sometimes it can be used as an excuse for poor behavior. Went out for a friend's birthday recently ,meal in a restaurant, one of the other guests got up to go to the loo and never came back.

Oh shes got problems.....

Yeah, a problem being polite and considerate i'd say.

I wouldn't be annoyed at a friend who cancelled plans last minute I've been there myself spent all morning preparing myself and trying really hard to not be able to do it in the end. I would be annoyed at a friend who didn't send a quick msg to let me know

For a second I thought this was the same poster who's posted 3 thread recently on depressed friends ghosting them but my memory is terrible.....

I hold my hands up. I'm a shit friend..through the worst of my depressive episodes I do what I've always done, I isolate myself. Ironically actually in my mind as a way of protecting those I care about worrying about me, figure I can can just deal with it myself and not stress then out.

Turns out that isn't the case, certainly not with most NT people. They do understandably expect contact and timely responses. Which is fair. I was a the friend who regularly flaked out at the last minute due to anxiety or depression. Eventually the invitations stopped coming. The messages dropped off. People drifted out of my life.

Do I regret it? Absolutely. Do I wish I'd been a better person and a better friend? Definitely. Did they deserve better? Wholeheartedly yes they did.

Bur I can't go back and change things. I'm sorry to those I lost in this. I'm sorry tho those I let down. It wasn't your fault, it was 100% mine. But I genuinely hope you're happy in life and realistically you're better off without me and my flakiness, my drama and an my mood swings.

That said I do (surprisingly) have friends. I have a vest feied who for the past 20 years has been here through thick and thin. Who does understand me, who gets why I am the way I am. With her it doesn't matter if we last talked 2 days ago or 2 months ago we instantly pick up where we left off (though we both have diagnosed ADHD which may be relevant). And whilst I would never expect everyone to be like that I guess the reason we are still such close friends is that ultimately she does understand me as a person and accepts me 100% the way I am. (Flaws and all)

I agree with you OP. I have anxiety and depression and sometimes I have to check myself that im not expecting dh to always bend to my will to avoid upsetting me if that makes sense? I don’t deliberately do that but I think he tries to minimise things that ‘trigger’ me and that’s not fair on him. Not always.

I have immense sympathy for those with mental health struggles - mine have ruined my life BUT it doesn’t give you free reign to not be a decent person and to be held accountable.

I think that you can be compassionate and understanding of friends who have mental health issues while still maintaining healthy boundaries about exactly what behaviour you are prepared to accept and in what circumstances.

So I might understand why you are behaving badly and be broadly sympathetic without allowing you to continue to treat me badly.

It can be a bit of a balancing act, but in the end of the day you don’t have to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

Except nobody expects that for a moment, other than a minority of Mners who appear to often harbour a mild dislike of their ‘friends’ and so get enmeshed in status wrangles about whose feelings matter more.

I'm a bit sceptical as to whether people actually do make allowances for and excuse the behaviour of people who have mental health problems or suffer depression.
I know that these days that is technically supposed to happen.
But I suspect the majority of people still see those suffering with depression as a nuisance and don't really have much empathy or understanding at all. And I say this as someone who has and does suffer from depression

But yes I agree that very many people are experiencing very real difficulties in their daily lives and we should all try to be a bit more sympathetic and understanding of other people's problems.