To think we need to stop treating depressed people as the only ones whose feelings matter in a friendship?

And that is why many people with mental health conditions fear and loathe us neurotypicals. Given all they go through on a day to day basis, the fact that you can’t forgive a person for showing a moment of weakness says so much about your empathy levels. Luckily she has me as a friend and not you.

This rang very true for me. I'm honestly not unsympathetic to people suffering with their mental health but sometimes the people expected to provide unlimited understanding and support start to suffer themselves and that them affects their own mental health.

I've seen this with my friend whose husband had bad depression (to the extent of being signed off work for weeks on end). All the shared burdens of family life got foisted onto her - earning an income, caring for three kids, running the house and he also expected constant emotional support, long conversations late at night about how bad he felt when she had to get up early for work and getting kids to school while he stayed in bed because he was ill and couldn't cope. It ended up doing a number on her mental health and the kids as well to some extent as they walked on eggshells around him. The marriage didn't survive. He blamed her for that, for not trying hard enough to support him. Curiously enough once living on his own he became more proactive at getting treatment and commitment to getting better.I

He remarried. She says never again!

I have another thread going about a frirnd who is likely a bit low- though not clinically depressed- and expects me to text frequently checking on her. She is angry that I don't do that.

I am not a big texter but I meet her at least once in 3 weeks. I am a bit low myself, work full time, going through menoause, have a chronicallly ill DD. I simply don't have the bandwidth for constantly texting and checking on people.

I’ve been through this with a friend, I made all the allowances and really tried to be a supportive friend. Then after about 15 months I felt angry at times when I thought about it and then said to myself I matter as well, I’m hurt, I have feelings and I am being messed about. I’m not reaching out to her anymore, she knows where I am if she wants to reconnect.

I’d call you sensible!

Bloody hell. No way am I doing this.Life is too short to apologise for being slapped.
Call me a fair weather friend but I have no time for this.

I don't believe that to be true, they're usually accepted but with pity and I'd hate that life attitude, I've been on both sides of the coin

I have a friend who is depressed and has severe anxiety. One time she was so distressed, when I suggested we stay out another half an hour she slapped me in the face and ran off. I didn’t see her again for 3 months. Did I have any right to be mad at her for hitting me in public and not talking to me for so long? Heck no, she was suffering from mental illness, I should have been more understanding.

When she eventually felt ready to talk to me again, I bought her flowers and her favourite chocolates, and apologised for my selfishness. THAT is what good people do.

And fixating on one thing can be a sign of … people at the back? Anyone?

It’s typical MN contrariness. Someone else does something - poor friend, why are you not more sympathetic OP? OP is clearly struggling to process it and it becomes part of depression / anxiety - ‘oh this has been posted about before!’

Something someone posted years ago on mumsnet always sticks with me:

Their depression might be the reason they act out but that doesn't make their behaviour ok.

I fully support you OP and it doesn't make the recipient of the poor behaviour un-empathetic. You can't step on eggshells around them forever, you have your own boundaries to protect your own MH of how much support you can give.

As well as ‘SIL from hell’, which is also having a bit of a vogue.

@StruggleFlourish I’m sorry to hear what you’re going through. My friends husband was the same, turns out he was having an emotional affair. He let his wife believe he had depression, she was doing everything she could for him, counselling the lot. His head had just turned. I’m not saying it’s the same in your case but something to look out for.

Ive witnessed people with mental health issues treating those around them with complete contempt because mental health can make people very selfish. Not always! I always wonder where the line is drawn between supporting someone you love and having to protect yourself. Depends how close to them you are i suppose.

Your feelings "mattering" is entirely subjective. They don't matter to me, I don't know you, and will stop thinking about your feelings the moment I click away from this thread.

Your hurt feelings at your depressed friend ghosting you may matter to your other friends.

They likely don't matter to the depressed friend, because they've got enough shit on their plate of they're ghosting you already - they are also not likely thinking about you at all, cus they can't.

Saying your feelings "should matter" to someone who is THAT unwell is entitled. To be fair, saying my feelings should matter to bloody anyone feels entitled to me. People are not obligated to care about my feelings. There is no "should" about it. They either do, or do not, and it's something we should appreciate when people do. Not expect of people or dictate from people... And the very least, unwell people.

Sometimes depressed people are unfortunately surrounded by friends who are not really friends.

When depressed, they can't handle the feelings and expectations from these unhealthy relationships.

It's self protection when they've ran out of capacity.

I withdrew from a guy in our group when I was much younger. He was horrible to me when he was depressed, and whilst I understood that he was going through it, I wasn't prepared to be an emotional punching bag. So in that instance I would quite happily call myself a fair weather friend.

I've never ghosted anyone but I do withdraw. I wasn't sure if you meant how long does depression last or how long does a depressive episode last. For me personally I have episodes where I shut myself of from the world and they last anywhere from a couple of weeks to a few months. Depression itself lasts forever but severe symptoms come and go.

I posted on a thread yesterday which very much proclaimed in quite condescending terms that if your friend had cut you out of their life abruptly and you were perplexed and hurt by this then this was your own selfish attitude; you did not understand depression, had clearly never suffered from depression; if you dared think or expect you were worth more, forget it; if you felt you’d been poorly treated then clearly you had no compassion and should only think about your poor, poor depressed friend who was obviously in a dark place and your own feelings weren’t important.

Obviously that was a bit tongue in cheek but only a bit and it was interjected with people who have ghosted others being quite unintentionally ironic by saying things like ‘well, when I did get back in touch they weren’t bothered, so clearly we’re not my true friends.’

I do think there is a bit of a myth that true friendship can withstand no contact for years and tick on regardless. That might be true with a very strong shared past and experiences but otherwise people drift and that’s actually okay when it happens naturally. It’s sad in a way but life does move on. However, if you suddenly withdraw from contact with people, it is a big ask for them to suspend their own feelings for months and years until you feel better. People like to say ‘ah but if you had <physical illness> then …’ but truthfully there isn’t much difference. People do tire of others’ pain, is the blunt truth of it, not because people are intrinsically awful but because friendships should be fun and when they stop being fun they stop being friends.

I don’t actually ghost people when I am in an episode, it’s more that I don’t contact people as much. I think it’s mainly, in my case, that I suddenly don’t know what to talk about for some reason. I also find myself quieter at home.
It is definitely not the silent treatment as such, and I think if your partner won’t talk to you at all, there’s probably something more going on.

Yes me too. Depressed friend ghosted me is the topic of the moment.

Um, may I please ask a quick question?
It's not 100% related to op, but also is.
It looks like about half the people responding here struggle with their mental health in particular depression...
And you've admitted that when you're having a depressive episode you isolate yourself and ghost the rest of the world and shut people off.

Can I ask, how long does this usually go on for? I'm not trying to change the subject here but I am grieving my partner who's ghosting / silent treatmenting me for many weeks now... And I suspect the problem is very much depression related but he refuses to speak to me. And I've never been through anything like this before and I have no idea how long to expect that he won't speak to me because I'm so concerned.

And I'm sorry OP, I don't mean to hijack your discussion. I just wondered if anyone here could answer my question since we were talking about this, because it really really hurts when you're trying to be so considerate of somebody else's mental health and they are not giving you any consideration at all and you're trying to be nice and you're trying to be understanding but you're hurting too. Which is related to your original post so I guess it's not that much off topic....

I thought it was absolutely appalling, to not even then message the birthday person wjo was quite upset.

You've pretty much just demonstrated the point of this thread.

Depression is an illness, and the things you describe are a symptom of that illness. Some people do just vanish either because trying to maintain friendships is exhausting, and/or they feel like a burden and don't want to bother people. However, some do try their best and carry on, but are falling apart when alone. Depressed people often mask, and it is tiring.

Like a few others have said already, this thread seems very familiar.

Only your therapist or immediate family (and often not them either) can be expected to put your needs or wants over their own needs or wants. Such is life.